NEOMARXIST

I think in recovery then I am discovering that I always felt/feel like feelings somehow needed to be acted on. This was usually by not wanting to feel them and so using my preffered drug of alcohol to block them out. I realise more and more how I came to depend on booze as my medicine in many ways.

I would have used to say that I drink simply because I liked getting drunk, which I did love back in the day, however why did I love it so much? Because it just seemed to be the magic key that fit the lock and made my mind/body feel complete and whole. Very hard to describe and I'm sure that only alcoholics could understand what I mean, and it's different for everybody to varying degress, so maybe not?

I am looking forward to my AA meeting tonight and last night I was in a city 30 miles away at a gig and I saw a good few street alcoholics. One of the people I saw as I was walking out of the gig looked about 26 and he was drinking Carlsberg Special brew as most alcoholics do. I was saddened to see his face as he literally was white as a sheet and I doubt his life expectancy would much beyond 3-5 years.

However I always have to watch myself and not ponder too much on this stuff as it can trigger my own addict mind to some degree. What I did find is that how much I dislike being in bars now that I don't drink as they are boring places that minus the alcohol are just crap to be honest. Even walking through city centres at night I really dislike as they're just full of drunken revellers shouting and screaming as alcohol tends to make you do. I ain't pious though as I did my fair share of shouting and swearing and taking a p*ss up shop windows etcetc.

I am so glad that I left that life behind and I cringe at what a drunken tw*t I must have acted when I was out and sober people were witnessing my behaviour. I always remember that I'm one drink away from being right back into the madness and I'm grateful that I realise the severity of my alcoholic condition.

For me on a Friday night then AA is where I should be with other alcoholics who realised that alcohol ain't the solution. I'm OK with this and sobriety and recovery is about seeing the bigger picture and playing the long game. I have faith that by putting this work in then I will be rewarded in terms of peace of mind, happiness and clarity of thought.

Without my recovery I would have nothing but a can of carlsberg Special brew to drink and I thought this morning as I was getting up ready to drive to University how ill that bloke would feel today and how hopeless, another can just to open his eyes. When you drink that stuff then you really are fit for nothing, I used to drink it regularly and it is so damaging and increases the addiction of alcohol tenfold as it's literally like an instant drop out of life. The blackouts come so quickly as downing 500ml of 9% lager soon take their toll. The initial hit was so warm and euphoric too, a gradual glow into the limbs from the burn in the stomach. It gets so many people hooked and it's very difficult to get out of the hole. It really will take evrything from you and give nothing be misery and desolation in return, I always have a healthy respect though as simply knowing that ain't enough for me. I have to work my recovery and keep living in a spiritual way to keep my happiness and peace of mind so that I don't need to look to alter my state of mind through a chemical.

Grateful to be sober, grateful to be a recovering alcoholic.

peace

NEOMARXIST

Was a great meeting and thought I'd cement the good feeling by posting on SR. Listened to some great shares and really enjoyed sharing myself, whilst trying to hopefully instill some hope into the newcomers that recovery is worth the effort.

Grateful to be sober, grateful to be a recovering alcoholic. Grateful for AA and SR.

Peace

coffeenut

I hear you on wanting to let newcomers know that it IS better. A sober life is just better beyond belief.

So hard to convey to newcomers. But, it is!

artsoul

It's amazing, isn't it? We thought we were enjoying alcohol and the bar atmosphere and that we were able to manage our lives while drinking. Thought we couldn't live without it.

But after a few months of sobriety (once that obsession lifts), it's hard to imagine going back to the bar, shouting and screaming, numbing our reasoning and our souls, for what.....? It's hard to see the downside while we're in the middle of it, but after a bit of time it's really clear. I'm glad we're not p***ing our lives away anymore.

Thanks for your thoughts, Neo.

Kmber2010

I am grateful as well for my sobriety and for the fine folks here at SR who share their experiences with me. Its a good feeling to be able to have others relate and connect with you.

Thanks Neo.