A Tad Bit Lonely
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
A Tad Bit Lonely I'm reading my CNM book (again)...
And I am rereading the piece she wrote about our inner child.
"Nurture and cherish that frightened, vulnerable needy child inside us. The child may never completely disappear, no matter how self sufficient we become.Stress may cause the child to cry out. Unprovoked, the child may come out and demand attention when we least expect it."
"Let the child cry if he or she needs to. Comfort the child. Figure out what he or she needs."
~ Melody Beattie
And I am at a place where I am looking around Me now, and notice that no one really ever asks me how I am. Asks if I'm okay. And not just about my ex....but in general.
Do you suppose that because of my controlling nature, and my need to fix everything in the past, that I have created a "I got this under control" type persona for myself?
I really need for people to want to be comfortable and feel safe asking me these things. It's not that I am looking for others to fix me, my inner child just needs to feel cared for. I want to be more approachable.
Does this make sense to some of you? Does any one else have this lack of nurturing in their lives?
Do people ask you how you are doing? Do you need anything? Do they just call to check in? Because I don't have that in my life (except here)...and I sure as hell need it in my "human" life.
?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ???????????????
I'm really wanting to break through this.
And I am rereading the piece she wrote about our inner child.
"Nurture and cherish that frightened, vulnerable needy child inside us. The child may never completely disappear, no matter how self sufficient we become.Stress may cause the child to cry out. Unprovoked, the child may come out and demand attention when we least expect it."
"Let the child cry if he or she needs to. Comfort the child. Figure out what he or she needs."
~ Melody Beattie
And I am at a place where I am looking around Me now, and notice that no one really ever asks me how I am. Asks if I'm okay. And not just about my ex....but in general.
Do you suppose that because of my controlling nature, and my need to fix everything in the past, that I have created a "I got this under control" type persona for myself?
I really need for people to want to be comfortable and feel safe asking me these things. It's not that I am looking for others to fix me, my inner child just needs to feel cared for. I want to be more approachable.
Does this make sense to some of you? Does any one else have this lack of nurturing in their lives?
Do people ask you how you are doing? Do you need anything? Do they just call to check in? Because I don't have that in my life (except here)...and I sure as hell need it in my "human" life.
?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ???????????????
I'm really wanting to break through this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
sofacat
I think we all have a need to know that someone cares about us and how we are doing. Those of us who have jobs that demand that we be in control of ourselves and our work environment are still in need of knowing that someone gives a hoot. Often we are shouldering great responsibility with very little appreciation from others. It gets old.
Personally I have to be careful who I look toward to give me those kind of "I care" messages. I can't look toward my employees (eeek). I can't really look toward my children, particularly my AS son.....that would be a recipe for disaster and disappointment!!
I get quite a bit of it from my NarAnon meetings. Lots of gentle hugs available there. Although I'm not one who has a lot of friends, I have a few who are warm and show their love and care (luckily my dear dear mother is one of those bestest friends).
But there are still times that I feel an emptiness and loneliness and I have to overcome it myself or go in search of someone who just gives that vibe out to me as a matter of just being around them. I have to make the effort.....make the phone call. And it usually starts with me asking how they are doing.
Sometimes I just have to comfort myself with a warm bath or a good book.
I love your signature by the way.......I think I'll put that one up on my refridgerator too! I definitely need to know that God's arm is around my shoulder and his hand is firmly over my mouth!
gentle hugs to you today
I think we all have a need to know that someone cares about us and how we are doing. Those of us who have jobs that demand that we be in control of ourselves and our work environment are still in need of knowing that someone gives a hoot. Often we are shouldering great responsibility with very little appreciation from others. It gets old.
Personally I have to be careful who I look toward to give me those kind of "I care" messages. I can't look toward my employees (eeek). I can't really look toward my children, particularly my AS son.....that would be a recipe for disaster and disappointment!!
I get quite a bit of it from my NarAnon meetings. Lots of gentle hugs available there. Although I'm not one who has a lot of friends, I have a few who are warm and show their love and care (luckily my dear dear mother is one of those bestest friends).
But there are still times that I feel an emptiness and loneliness and I have to overcome it myself or go in search of someone who just gives that vibe out to me as a matter of just being around them. I have to make the effort.....make the phone call. And it usually starts with me asking how they are doing.
Sometimes I just have to comfort myself with a warm bath or a good book.
I love your signature by the way.......I think I'll put that one up on my refridgerator too! I definitely need to know that God's arm is around my shoulder and his hand is firmly over my mouth!
gentle hugs to you today
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
love your quote - have used it many times at school - and yes i have experienced exactly what you are describing - people are usually coming to me for something rather than asking me if i'm okay or need something - it is a lonely spot at times - i'm trying to create a more real outward appearance - one that reflects the real me who is not always able to fix things
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I get that ALOT. Most of it is because they don't want to put me on the spot. Nobody asks for the most part. Kinda like the elephant in the room? I will tell you I've gotten a few heartfelt letters/cards telling me to hold my head high, they don't know how I've done it, survived it, how strong I am etc. I saw a lady @ the fair who sent me a very nice 3 page letter. I thanked her for it and said nobody really even mentions it. She said we want to, we want you to know that you have our support and we're proud of you. We just don't know how to say it. We don't want to upset you by bringing it up.
My own MOM who I talk to all the time and has been by my side through all of this, sent me a mushy card. She couldn't/didn't want to say it to my face. She knows I know all of those things that the card said, she didn't want to verbally say them and bring them up again. I think because she doesn't want me sad, upset or to make me cry again.
They care. It feels like they don't @ times. But they care. A friend from HS that I hadn't been in touch with forever, inboxed me on Facebook. She basically said I don't even know why I'm writing, I don't know what to say, I cannot imagine what you've been through, maybe this isn't appropriate...But I'm so sorry. I'm here if you would ever need me. You have NO idea what that meant to me. I can feel the 'gossip' out there. For someone to reach out? That means the world.
They care Sofa, they just don't know how to approach it.
My own MOM who I talk to all the time and has been by my side through all of this, sent me a mushy card. She couldn't/didn't want to say it to my face. She knows I know all of those things that the card said, she didn't want to verbally say them and bring them up again. I think because she doesn't want me sad, upset or to make me cry again.
They care. It feels like they don't @ times. But they care. A friend from HS that I hadn't been in touch with forever, inboxed me on Facebook. She basically said I don't even know why I'm writing, I don't know what to say, I cannot imagine what you've been through, maybe this isn't appropriate...But I'm so sorry. I'm here if you would ever need me. You have NO idea what that meant to me. I can feel the 'gossip' out there. For someone to reach out? That means the world.
They care Sofa, they just don't know how to approach it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Hugs, Sofa.
Yes, I think the way you have presented yourself has something to do with this thing you are missing from others.
I have a cousin who is a Caretaker Magnificent. She would come to my side at the drop of a hat, if ever I asked. For a long time, although I knew she must have her "issues", since she always wore a secure and content face, and was always ministering to others, my take was that perhaps she wasn't even aware of them.
The closer we got, the more she slowly started opening up. The more my "how are yous" got some honest answers. Two weeks ago when I was packing my house, I had a complete melt-down. She walked in the door 15 minutes into it and put her arms around me. After a moment, she was crying too. I thought "wow, your compassion is over the top" and minutes later she was sobbing to me, having just discovered that her late husband had been unfaithful. One of things she shared during that vulnerable half hour, was that she doesn't really have many close friends. She had been bottling this stuff up, for fear of who to spill it to! Why didn't she know I was always just a phone call away? (Answer (I think): didn't want to burden me, who was also going through stuff)
We need to allow ourselves to be real, and to vulnerable to others. Perhaps your current circle sees you as the super strong, caring-for-others person, and it's not on their radar to actually ask about you.
Maybe you need a few different friends?
Hey, Sofa.....
how you doing today?
Yes, I think the way you have presented yourself has something to do with this thing you are missing from others.
I have a cousin who is a Caretaker Magnificent. She would come to my side at the drop of a hat, if ever I asked. For a long time, although I knew she must have her "issues", since she always wore a secure and content face, and was always ministering to others, my take was that perhaps she wasn't even aware of them.
The closer we got, the more she slowly started opening up. The more my "how are yous" got some honest answers. Two weeks ago when I was packing my house, I had a complete melt-down. She walked in the door 15 minutes into it and put her arms around me. After a moment, she was crying too. I thought "wow, your compassion is over the top" and minutes later she was sobbing to me, having just discovered that her late husband had been unfaithful. One of things she shared during that vulnerable half hour, was that she doesn't really have many close friends. She had been bottling this stuff up, for fear of who to spill it to! Why didn't she know I was always just a phone call away? (Answer (I think): didn't want to burden me, who was also going through stuff)
We need to allow ourselves to be real, and to vulnerable to others. Perhaps your current circle sees you as the super strong, caring-for-others person, and it's not on their radar to actually ask about you.
Maybe you need a few different friends?
Hey, Sofa.....
how you doing today?
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
(((( Awwwwww.....Coffee!!!!!! ))))
Thanks for asking!
I've been having a pity party all day!!! And you????
I actually just got off the phone with my best friend, who now lives on the other side of the country from me. She's a multi-tasking workaholic as well... and we both discovered that in our hurried busy busy lives.... we have forgotten to reach out to the people around us. So when we STOP.... and it's quiet, we hear crickets!!! and then wonder...where did everybody go???
Now....I called my oldest brother tonight and we started talking. He opened up to me about his personal issues and I of course, listened... but then he asked me how I was doing... and when I started to tell Him.... he changed the subject.
I swear I almost fell out laughing, because I knew this was my "subject" de jour.
Callie... I think it's wonderful that you have that many people reaching out to you. I do have a client, a psychologist, who I have been pretty open with during our visits when she's getting her haircut. She actually brought a book that she wrote of poems and sayings for Me. It was something she put together after her divorce. I was really moved by this.
She also recommended a book called "The Cinderella Complex" ...anyone heard of it?
At any rate... the people in my chair ask me how I am doing. And I love them for it.... but the people who are closest to me don't. That is the issue that I am presenting to myself at the moment.
Kindeyes.... I think we are very much alike. I too have been taking warm baths and reading books. Words With Friends has also become my companion. But I am ready to start having friends again. And I think I've lost my ability to seek them out.... for now.
As for my signature.... I read this about a week ago and laughed my butt off when I read it! Glad you all love it as much as i do!!!!
I hope you all had a great day today.
And keep posting.... I am all ears. Wanna BUST THROUGH THIS ONE DAMMIT!!!!!!
Thanks for asking!
I've been having a pity party all day!!! And you????
I actually just got off the phone with my best friend, who now lives on the other side of the country from me. She's a multi-tasking workaholic as well... and we both discovered that in our hurried busy busy lives.... we have forgotten to reach out to the people around us. So when we STOP.... and it's quiet, we hear crickets!!! and then wonder...where did everybody go???
Now....I called my oldest brother tonight and we started talking. He opened up to me about his personal issues and I of course, listened... but then he asked me how I was doing... and when I started to tell Him.... he changed the subject.
I swear I almost fell out laughing, because I knew this was my "subject" de jour.
Callie... I think it's wonderful that you have that many people reaching out to you. I do have a client, a psychologist, who I have been pretty open with during our visits when she's getting her haircut. She actually brought a book that she wrote of poems and sayings for Me. It was something she put together after her divorce. I was really moved by this.
She also recommended a book called "The Cinderella Complex" ...anyone heard of it?
At any rate... the people in my chair ask me how I am doing. And I love them for it.... but the people who are closest to me don't. That is the issue that I am presenting to myself at the moment.
Kindeyes.... I think we are very much alike. I too have been taking warm baths and reading books. Words With Friends has also become my companion. But I am ready to start having friends again. And I think I've lost my ability to seek them out.... for now.
As for my signature.... I read this about a week ago and laughed my butt off when I read it! Glad you all love it as much as i do!!!!
I hope you all had a great day today.
And keep posting.... I am all ears. Wanna BUST THROUGH THIS ONE DAMMIT!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
At any rate... the people in my chair ask me how I am doing. And I love them for it.... but the people who are closest to me don't. That is the issue that I am presenting to myself at the moment.
They don't because they think you've 'got this'. The ones that ask aren't really the ones who genuinely care. IMHO. We've presented ourselves as warrior codies right? We're strong, undefeated, rightous right? They're not gonna step on our 'strong toes.'
They don't understand where we've been, or how broken and lonely we are. But they love us and want to be there. Do they bring it up and make us sad, do they let us go about and stand behind pushing support. I myself have been on both sides of the fence. Not with drug addiction, but with where to lay the lines..
People care sofa, they just don't know how to approach it. I know my bff has 'relayed' what people are saying, but alot of times she shys away 'cause she doesn't want me down again.
They don't because they think you've 'got this'. The ones that ask aren't really the ones who genuinely care. IMHO. We've presented ourselves as warrior codies right? We're strong, undefeated, rightous right? They're not gonna step on our 'strong toes.'
They don't understand where we've been, or how broken and lonely we are. But they love us and want to be there. Do they bring it up and make us sad, do they let us go about and stand behind pushing support. I myself have been on both sides of the fence. Not with drug addiction, but with where to lay the lines..
People care sofa, they just don't know how to approach it. I know my bff has 'relayed' what people are saying, but alot of times she shys away 'cause she doesn't want me down again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
sofacat, I feel the same way. after my ah left, everyone was calling me, do you need to talk? do you need anything? how are you? then over time it slowed down, almost like after a funeral, loved ones move on to their daily lives. the one thing that everyone saids to me, your strong you will get through this,you have been through alot and you are strong..NOT, not this time. this situation is very emotional and dramatic to me, my health problems I was able to control and fight. yeah I go to work, yeah I do the chores, yeah but I get sad, I get lonely. I see families doing things together out and about and here I am doing things by myself.I know in town people dont know what to say, we know alot of people. I understand they feel funny asking as they know I have been through alot with my health and now this, which I understand, but I too am lonely. thank goodness for this forum!!
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Callie... I get what you are saying. I know that people care. I realize that people care.
I am starting to notice how people are with Me. And I think I am the creator of this. I am pretty private. I don't go out much at all. I work a lot, and when I come home... I'm in for the night.
I have a few friends that will invite me out from time to time, but they're power drinkers....and I'm just not into being around that. I did try last weekend to go out with them...but they were SO DRUNK.... I just can't handle being around that. So I started yawning, blamed it on my age....and went home.
I am the youngest of seven children.... and only one of them after the separation had the nuts to talk to me about it. My sisters... well, they're codies too, so they dodged the subject. It really hurt my feelings, and still kind of sits inside.
But I think I am the one who did this to myself. I think I am so damn independent and doing "my own thing" that I have put up this wall around me.
And I want the wall to come down now.
I want people to come in. I didn't realize just how much I have been in my own bubble...so consumed with myself and MrSofa...that I just left everyone.
Make sense???
I am starting to notice how people are with Me. And I think I am the creator of this. I am pretty private. I don't go out much at all. I work a lot, and when I come home... I'm in for the night.
I have a few friends that will invite me out from time to time, but they're power drinkers....and I'm just not into being around that. I did try last weekend to go out with them...but they were SO DRUNK.... I just can't handle being around that. So I started yawning, blamed it on my age....and went home.
I am the youngest of seven children.... and only one of them after the separation had the nuts to talk to me about it. My sisters... well, they're codies too, so they dodged the subject. It really hurt my feelings, and still kind of sits inside.
But I think I am the one who did this to myself. I think I am so damn independent and doing "my own thing" that I have put up this wall around me.
And I want the wall to come down now.
I want people to come in. I didn't realize just how much I have been in my own bubble...so consumed with myself and MrSofa...that I just left everyone.
Make sense???
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Makes perfect sense. I 100% am the way you are too. I've ALWAYS been very private. Always. I have alot of friends, but only a few GOOD friends. It's because I've miminized who I let in. I started working out and there is a huge group of girls that I went to HS with that work out. I've started joining them and I can't tell you how much it's helped me.
I too don't go out. Never have, but I've been starting to get offers and I am GOING to join them when I can. I don't care if it's for lunch, a night on the town, hot tubbing etc. Through xah's addiction I severely alienated myself. I too want the wall coming down. Cause it's lonely! I think with xah gone and more 'time' on my hands, I am looking around wondering where everyone is! The drama is gone and it's time to immerse myself in society again.
I too don't go out. Never have, but I've been starting to get offers and I am GOING to join them when I can. I don't care if it's for lunch, a night on the town, hot tubbing etc. Through xah's addiction I severely alienated myself. I too want the wall coming down. Cause it's lonely! I think with xah gone and more 'time' on my hands, I am looking around wondering where everyone is! The drama is gone and it's time to immerse myself in society again.
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
"think with xah gone and more 'time' on my hands, I am looking around wondering where everyone is! "
Exactly!!
There's also the issue that now that I am not a busy body, and Mrs. Fix It.... I have even MORE time on my hands. And I'm just not quite sure what to do with myself!!!
It's this "now what?" thing..... and I KNOW you know what I mean here!
As for friends.... well, I'm a hairdresser... and let's just say "my kind" likes to party.... a lot! I purged myself of all of my former friends because they were too slippery for MrSofa... and quite honestly, I just don't want to be around that anymore.
My BEST friend... my sister so to speak, moved to California, and I'm in Florida.
SO I'm back to square one... and am in need if some new friends.
In my 40's now... so this isn't as easy as it used to be. And all of the people in my daily life are mostly in their 20's.
It just seems like I have an awful lot of excuses for why people aren't around Me.
I know I did this.
Exactly!!
There's also the issue that now that I am not a busy body, and Mrs. Fix It.... I have even MORE time on my hands. And I'm just not quite sure what to do with myself!!!
It's this "now what?" thing..... and I KNOW you know what I mean here!
As for friends.... well, I'm a hairdresser... and let's just say "my kind" likes to party.... a lot! I purged myself of all of my former friends because they were too slippery for MrSofa... and quite honestly, I just don't want to be around that anymore.
My BEST friend... my sister so to speak, moved to California, and I'm in Florida.
SO I'm back to square one... and am in need if some new friends.
In my 40's now... so this isn't as easy as it used to be. And all of the people in my daily life are mostly in their 20's.
It just seems like I have an awful lot of excuses for why people aren't around Me.
I know I did this.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I usually do have people ask how I'm doing. I don't hide my feelings well at all and am pretty out there with my "stuff'. I have found that when I am willing to share the yuck parts of my life, others will share too, and we enter a mutually concerned place. When dealing with addicts, takers, abusers however, we will give and not get back in return as its all about them. I put myself out there..sometimes I make a friend, sometimes I don't. I see my mom who is afraid of being hurt by people and is unwilling to take a risk..I do not want that for myself AT ALL. There are some people that I kind of stop asking how hey ae cuz you won't get a real answer from them.I love alanon cuz they tell you..when someone from the program asks how you are doing..be honest. Alot of us are used to saying.."I'm fine" when what we really mean is..pretty crappy. I think this is a great topic!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I feel lonely almost all the time.
My daughter is the only one still at home, but I must detach from her.
I have no car, because of some chaos I created for myself.
Infuriating to be without a vehicle.
I feel not only alone, but ill equipped to handle anything.
On the plus side, I have not had a cigarette since Thursday evening at 11 pm.
Good thing I dont have any money, cause I would be buying a pack!
LOL
I dont think I am afraid of my inner self, the wild adventurous side, I think I am afraid others won't like it. Sigh.......
Embracing my limbic brain. Yep.
My daughter is the only one still at home, but I must detach from her.
I have no car, because of some chaos I created for myself.
Infuriating to be without a vehicle.
I feel not only alone, but ill equipped to handle anything.
On the plus side, I have not had a cigarette since Thursday evening at 11 pm.
Good thing I dont have any money, cause I would be buying a pack!
LOL
I dont think I am afraid of my inner self, the wild adventurous side, I think I am afraid others won't like it. Sigh.......
Embracing my limbic brain. Yep.
Last edited by wicked; 09-27-2010 at 09:27 AM. Reason: spelling error
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
I think I am afraid others won't like it.
wicked... I know exactly what you mean.
Good job on the not smoking thing! I still haven't crossed that bridge yet. Kudos!
wicked... I know exactly what you mean.
Good job on the not smoking thing! I still haven't crossed that bridge yet. Kudos!
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Okay kiddies, are you ready for a big turn of events that happened this afternoon? And....it's on topic! Try to follow me here... and keep in mind, there are no accidents!
So, I'm on the FB. And a few weeks back I "hid" MrSofa's posts. He's over in another country, living it up...playing on the beach, partying, what have you. SO I hid it so as not to see it. BUT I forgot to hide his friend who is with him. And this morning I saw pictures of Mr.Sofa with another woman....... and I'm PMS'ing. So....what do I do???
Oh, I did. I sent a sh!tty e mail to him. I know, I know... I realized the second I did it, that it wasn't a very good thing for me to do. But I did..... but that's not why I'm writing this...though I expect a lashing from a few of you- I know I deserve it.
So...I texted a good friend of mine to tell her what I did. 15 minutes go by, and no text back. Now, I'm already feeling lonely and unloved...and not getting a text back made me start to feel even worse. But then.... I get a text back asking
"what are you talking about?" What?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wait...who did I just send that text to?!!! And then I realize that I accidentally sent to Mr.Wonderful (My current love interest, but only I know that, and we're just friends kind of guy). Oooooooooh noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! :rotfxko
Now here's where it gets interesting and the lesson was learned.
So, I text Mr.Wonderful back and tell him that my ego woke me up this morning and reared it's ugly head.
Now, one of the reasons I haven't wanted to get closer to Mr.Wonderful is because he never really asks me how I am. (another one). But we do have very intelligent and fun talks with each other. And I admit, lately we have been talking almost every day.
BUT ON THIS DAY............I revealed to Him that I am still very broken. By accident!
So, I think to myself... Oh great. Now he's gonna run for the hills and stop talking to Me. But guess what happened.........
He called me to ask me how I was and to see if I was all right!
and there it was. Just staring me in the face. My lesson.
The moment I exposed my vulnerabilities, my real side, my emotions, my true self.... my friendship with Mr.Wonderful took on a whole new life. And he was great about it.
His ex wife (3 years ago) is an addict too. So he understood. Wow. And after we got off the phone...i felt so much better. No guilt, no remorse, no embarrassment...nothing.
There are no accidents. I believe that. And today of all days...right as I brought this topic to you all....the lesson I needed to learn laid down right before my feet.
It is Me. I am the reason things aren't what I want them to be. And if I wasn't gonna take the risk of exposing my true self...the universe just did it for me.
Holy cow.
So, I'm on the FB. And a few weeks back I "hid" MrSofa's posts. He's over in another country, living it up...playing on the beach, partying, what have you. SO I hid it so as not to see it. BUT I forgot to hide his friend who is with him. And this morning I saw pictures of Mr.Sofa with another woman....... and I'm PMS'ing. So....what do I do???
Oh, I did. I sent a sh!tty e mail to him. I know, I know... I realized the second I did it, that it wasn't a very good thing for me to do. But I did..... but that's not why I'm writing this...though I expect a lashing from a few of you- I know I deserve it.
So...I texted a good friend of mine to tell her what I did. 15 minutes go by, and no text back. Now, I'm already feeling lonely and unloved...and not getting a text back made me start to feel even worse. But then.... I get a text back asking
"what are you talking about?" What?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wait...who did I just send that text to?!!! And then I realize that I accidentally sent to Mr.Wonderful (My current love interest, but only I know that, and we're just friends kind of guy). Oooooooooh noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! :rotfxko
Now here's where it gets interesting and the lesson was learned.
So, I text Mr.Wonderful back and tell him that my ego woke me up this morning and reared it's ugly head.
Now, one of the reasons I haven't wanted to get closer to Mr.Wonderful is because he never really asks me how I am. (another one). But we do have very intelligent and fun talks with each other. And I admit, lately we have been talking almost every day.
BUT ON THIS DAY............I revealed to Him that I am still very broken. By accident!
So, I think to myself... Oh great. Now he's gonna run for the hills and stop talking to Me. But guess what happened.........
He called me to ask me how I was and to see if I was all right!
and there it was. Just staring me in the face. My lesson.
The moment I exposed my vulnerabilities, my real side, my emotions, my true self.... my friendship with Mr.Wonderful took on a whole new life. And he was great about it.
His ex wife (3 years ago) is an addict too. So he understood. Wow. And after we got off the phone...i felt so much better. No guilt, no remorse, no embarrassment...nothing.
There are no accidents. I believe that. And today of all days...right as I brought this topic to you all....the lesson I needed to learn laid down right before my feet.
It is Me. I am the reason things aren't what I want them to be. And if I wasn't gonna take the risk of exposing my true self...the universe just did it for me.
Holy cow.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
It just seems like I have an awful lot of excuses for why people aren't around Me.
I know I did this.
I know I did it too. It stems back years ago and this 'illusion' that I put out there. The 'illusion' that everything was peachy keen. I had the 'perfect' life. Great house, cars, clothes, kids etc. While I do have that, I also had an drug addict on my hands. It took a heck of alot of work to mask that reality. I did it though for a while... until it got bigger than I could handle.
Once he got worse, I alienated myself even more. I'm now trying to venture out and I feel much better. I've always been a social person. I allowed addiction to take that away from me. Now that this mess is mostly out of my life I'm looking around @ the tornado that hit, the pieces laying all around and there's nobody to clean it up but me. Piece by piece I'm trying to put the kid's and my life back together. It's overwhelming and lonely @ times, but I'm proud that I'm doing it.
I also hate that those closest to me had to deal with me because I chose to deal with him. My family, my bff all had to suffer because of me because I chose to suffer with/for xah.
I know I did this.
I know I did it too. It stems back years ago and this 'illusion' that I put out there. The 'illusion' that everything was peachy keen. I had the 'perfect' life. Great house, cars, clothes, kids etc. While I do have that, I also had an drug addict on my hands. It took a heck of alot of work to mask that reality. I did it though for a while... until it got bigger than I could handle.
Once he got worse, I alienated myself even more. I'm now trying to venture out and I feel much better. I've always been a social person. I allowed addiction to take that away from me. Now that this mess is mostly out of my life I'm looking around @ the tornado that hit, the pieces laying all around and there's nobody to clean it up but me. Piece by piece I'm trying to put the kid's and my life back together. It's overwhelming and lonely @ times, but I'm proud that I'm doing it.
I also hate that those closest to me had to deal with me because I chose to deal with him. My family, my bff all had to suffer because of me because I chose to suffer with/for xah.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
OMG. Thank you for this post! I don't get on here as much anymore. But stopped by to see how everyone was doing today.
I could have written everything you posted. I have always been the one that has it together (well it seems that way to other people).
I totally get how you feel. I too do not have a ton of friends and I have always been the person that people come too in need and I'm always there to take care or help. I never ask for help. It is always ME taking care of myself. Period.
I agree I have created this for myself. So others around me don't stop to think...wait does she need something?, how is she doing?
I guess all I was wanting to tell you is THANK YOU for your post.! Hopefully we can learn to ask for help and reach out to others instead of acting like we can do it all for everyone AND ourselves.
I could have written everything you posted. I have always been the one that has it together (well it seems that way to other people).
I totally get how you feel. I too do not have a ton of friends and I have always been the person that people come too in need and I'm always there to take care or help. I never ask for help. It is always ME taking care of myself. Period.
I agree I have created this for myself. So others around me don't stop to think...wait does she need something?, how is she doing?
I guess all I was wanting to tell you is THANK YOU for your post.! Hopefully we can learn to ask for help and reach out to others instead of acting like we can do it all for everyone AND ourselves.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I totally get how you feel. I too do not have a ton of friends and I have always been the person that people come too in need and I'm always there to take care or help. I never ask for help. It is always ME taking care of myself. Period.
I agree I have created this for myself. So others around me don't stop to think...wait does she need something?, how is she doing?
Amen! I too have ALWAYS had it together. I was and still am (bizarre?) the go to person. I'm not together though. Thanks for the thread sofa.
I agree I have created this for myself. So others around me don't stop to think...wait does she need something?, how is she doing?
Amen! I too have ALWAYS had it together. I was and still am (bizarre?) the go to person. I'm not together though. Thanks for the thread sofa.
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