kia

am struggling tonite is this withdrawl from him cos its hard and ive really wanted to contact him tonite so am gonna go to bed so i dont do he seems to have vanished too so am worrying and i know i should be worrying about me not him but i dont suppose u go from loving him to not caring over night cos i just cant do that cos i do care and do still love him despite it all but have relised have to let go or be dragged as has been said and right now he dont want me anyhow but that dont make it easier really cos i kinda think he will come back and then what suppose thats where al anon comes in really could really do with going more than once a week too but its awkward getting to em and im not so good with folks i dont know that was hard enough other night it would be like starting over again will see how i get on next week cos how does the sponser thing work then cos think that would be helpful when im feeling like this like i want to talk to someone cos its when i look for him when i do anyhow sleep i think is what i need to do now and a few words with my HP nite all xx

Kassie2

so sorry kia - what you are going through is very hard for many... withdrawal of a relationship can be tough ( I would recommend the book From Abandonment to Healing - it is the book from the Damn Book Club here ) it describes the emotions and thoughts you may be experiencing and gives exercises on how to help you deal with them.

You are right about keeping the focus on you! who else's job is it anyway? So he isn't around and does want to be with you? Look at it this way... who wants to be around someone who won't let them do whatever they want to do regardless of the risky nature. My AH?RAH? (IDK) doesn't want to "work it out" b/c he doesn't like admitting that he has a problem - I often go through periods of sadness and feeling rejected but remind myself that things are this way b/c I couldn't live this way anymore.

Get to meetings when you can - get some reading to help focus on you. What else are you doing for you at this point? Whether or not he comes back depends on whether or not you accept him at that point. Love is good and doesn't end but it doesn't mean that you have to put up with anything from anyone.

kia

will look on amazon for the book i seem to be having probs reading again though will need to force myself to pick up my book again cant concentrate on anything and your right about he dont want to be around me cos i do blame him well he did cheat on me and is still with her and hes still drinking which is prob why hes with her shes ok with it drinks with him prob an alcoholic like he is.What am i doing for me im trying to work what to do now i was gonna be moving back to my house so it was there for when he moved in now i dont know what to do my minds just so mixed up cos where i am now i got ppl round me so i dont feel lonely there would be mostly alone as daughter goes out quite a bit but im putting off moving back as i just cant do it dont have any energy for anything and half of me wonders if i should just sell it now as have no need to another house now but then my heads saying dont act in haste cos im hurting atm as its a good house and ive always loved my house and have fought hard to get it back as my ex had it for quite a while ex hubby that is not the drinker i just cant seem to be any sort of rational thinking atm and to cap it all my dogs sick too and dunno whats up with her but think its serious as it aint going away and i cant afford her treatment as on benefits its all such a mess really is and feel its getting on top of me right now

bookwyrm

Kia, if you're on benefits, the PDSA will treat your dog for free. Check their site for how to access their services PDSA - Home Page This could be one less worry for you.

You don't have to make any decisions about your house right now. Wait till you're in a better place to think about it.

All you have to do is take one small step at a time. You don't need to do everything at once. Take it one day at a time. You will get through this. :ghug3

freebuthurting

Yes - pouring some of that worry into getting your four legged friend to the PDSA might not be a bad diversion actually. At least its something you can actually and physically do something about and hopefully get a good result from the energy you put in.
Just a suggestion.

Kassie2

I would also reiterate that there is no rush to do anything or make any decisions. When my AH moved out I got rid of a lot of stuff that I later wished I had and will probably have to replace.(so much money wasted). I started to look for another house or an apt and prepared to sell this one until I got down to last step when I realized that I didn't need to move - (so much time wasted).
I let go of everything and everyone in my life and (except for my kids) and now I am alone. I realized that I was trying to do "something" to make me feel better but it doesn't work.

Today, one year later, I have rehabbed the half of the house that didn't get done before with the help of a local handyman. I finally feel I have a place I feel safe and comfortable. Do I miss him? Well, my next door neighbor has been doing this into her fourth year... this past week when her plumbing broke down, her first floor was flooded, the dog got sick etc. I sat with her and the dog while she vented about how she has to deal with everything while her exh doesn't have to be bothered! I joined right in!

You will always think of him but not the same. Not as much of the time and with mixed feelings - sometimes glad and sometimes angry. Hang in there.

KerBearz

Kia, I am trying to understand what you are talking about. Without any punctuation or sentence structure ~ I just don't get it.
Sorry.

kia

ive got the paper work for it the only problem is they wont treat a dog with a pre existing condition ill send it off though and see what happens they can only say no i suppose but it just feels like everythings getting on top of me

missphit

so sorry Kia. i hope you can try to just focus on yourself and know that nothing has to be done immediately and you can just try to do one thing at a time...or nothing at all. sending in the paperwork is a great idea and then you can take it from there. remember YOU are the important person to think about. try to do good things for you!

kia

im at the moment trying to stop the pounding in my head had a few too many last night and was a few tears which was a bit embarassing but i did warn em it might happen and they would put on some romance thing on the tv and the floodgates opened.But am just not doing anything atm cos i just cant think straight right now and moving again is last thing i want to be doing, sorry about the lack of puncuation when im upset the writing gets worse was gonna change it but my edit button seems to be gone and actually thought well this is me for me this is how i write and am sorry about that but hey it is what it is time to start been me and right now at this time this is me xxx

freebuthurting

Curses for that romantic show - they should have put Zoolander on instead - or something else equally daft and mindless.

chapter 5 honey - detachment. Take a few deep breaths - make a cuppa and then try and read it. It really really helped me yesterday.
x

Bathroom awaits - today is cleaning day...

kia

thanks free i did forget i shall read it xxxx

KerBearz

I really don't have anything left to say.

kia

im sorry i never meant to upset anyone on here i did write earlier that wasnt sure whether i should post im going out for a drink tonite but its been a diffucult week this week and i felt i needed it first one in two weeks and likely to be few weeks again before the next but i am sorry if ive upset anyone but well actully i can do what i want with my life can i not and if i want a drink i willl have one and i did cos drinking in moderation is ok actaully dunno why im explaining myself cos i dont really have to do i prob the codie in me feeling i have to do that and guess i have to learn dont i to me its gonna be like relearning a whole lifetime and trying to change things

Tally

I think it's prolly just a bit ironic that's all Kia.

But you're perfectly right, you're not an alcoholic and if you want to have a drink now and again then you're perfectly entitled to do so without judgement. Lots of people enjoy drinking socially and if it's something you do still enjoy then you shouldn't let the experience with the A spoil that for you.

Personally I used to love having a laugh and a drink with my mates. It's only since the A shat all over my life that I stopped drinking and that's something I miss sometimes, the ability to just let go and have some fun, whether that be with alcohol or not. I'm tightly wound up and hate to be out of control these days.

kia

thats why i did it cos it is hard sometimes cos it has affected me too but its the only way i can unwind cos im so stressed atm and well its the only i can unwind but i do still and will always have some issues with drink i cringe when i hear beer cans be opened by whoever it is cos i cant help but think am i know gonna have someone having a go at me over something very petty daft isnt it eh

lulu1974

Hi Kia,
So sorry you are hurting. I went through the phase when I started going out andtrying to have fun a few months after my split. I have the opposite problem. I am a lightweight. So I go out have 2-3 glasses of wine and am tipsy. I wish I wasnt that way because I enjoy talking to people and want to stay clear minded but then people buy you a drink etc..
It was a phase for me and I no longer go out where there is drinking because my body just can not handle it. As long as you are doing it in moderation it will be ok.
Hang in there kia...I know its tough but some of us take longer to heal then others so just take care of you, trust your higher power and know we have been there too...

Hugs
Lulu

kia

i do trust him and know he looks after me and yep i think im prob what they call a lightweight too cos i dont like losing control now the way i used to before been involved with him i think im prob about 3 or 4 glasses and thats me the same way and plus if i get more than that i also cant control the tears either which are never far away atm im trying to take care of me but it aint easy cos half of me wants to self combust (not sure thats the word im looking for brains not so good atm) my eatings not good etc maybe its cos i feel i cant control any other part of my life but i cant what i eat i dunno but for most part i eat enough to survive but that it and most of that is forced down

freebuthurting

I think you should go and talk to a Doctor Kia. This has gone on for a little while now and there might be something a Doctor can do to help you with your mental health. Tell the Doctor what your state of mind is and how you feel. I am not suggesting you need a prescription because, IMHO, that tends to make things worse in the long run - but perhaps you could get a referal for some productive councelling.

KerBearz

Kia, I'm not upset, just annoyed. For some reason your posts are triggering me... I think it's because I have seen this cycle of depression, despondency, anger, fear... drink! so many times with my AH. With so many healthy and life affirming options available, I'm annoyed that choosing to tie one on was the solution you picked.

thats why i did it cos it is hard sometimes cos it has affected me too but its the only way i can unwind cos im so stressed atm and well its the only i can unwind

This is clearly my issue to work through. Just ignore me. I do hope you will feel better soon.