stellaloella

Such bad dreams. I'm not proud of my drinking, never have been, and have been trying various methods of cutting down. I do constantly read here but don't always post so I hope that doesn't matter too much...

I'm a hardcore drunk. I'll say that now. It started with me just drinking with buddies at the bar, never mind I drank as much as equal as them. Now, I hide bottles of vodka because whenever I try to quit I am awake all night with a horror picture show that often ends at 6 a.m. or later.

Fact is, I don't want to whine. I'm scared. I hate that I've failed to quit. In fact, my last month might be my worst ever with me acting completely insane, flashing the UPS man, alienating people, drunk dialing everyone I know, you name it. In fact, my grandmother is probably dying so I'm trying to stay sober until I'm allowed to see her, but those nightmares were unbelievable. SO SCARY that I tried to stay awake just to verify that I was still alive... in fact, why am I.

This is not meant as a pity party. I really respect those of you who have a handle on your sobriety. It is what I am trying for, so hard. My will is apparently less. I keep buying booze and hating so many parts of it but fearing these things like the horrifying dreams, family hate, all the shame, or... in effect... the knowledge of who I've become. I'm ashamed.

But I want my health. I am encouraged by this site so i keep trying. I have not drunk vodka tonight. Yes, I'm one of those who goes to a hidden place and just swiggs away. But I am trying to quit and I was horrified, just terrified by my dream. So real. In fact, I fully participated in the dream and felt its horror and fear even more than ever since I was a child. So scary.

I never intended to be an alcohol addict, and it's a relief that at least people do understand the nature of this difficult struggle. I have a lot going for me in other respects of my life; I'd like to just be able to show for my ablility to get through this one. Thanks for just listening. I am trying, and have some support. It's so much.

LaFemme

Hi Stella! Sorry about your Grandmother:-(

You don't sound so much like someone having a Pity party to me...rather you sound like somebody be desperate to quit and unable...something I can relate to. You say you read on SR so you know that there are those of us who were just as bad off as you...you also probably know that people are going to ask what you are doing to get sober ...trying to stop on sheer willpower alone doesn't get many very far ..you need a plan. Everyone has a unique path to take but AA can help a lot and is a good place to start.

I see to have horrid nightmares every night...I drank in the hopes that if I drank enough the nightmares wouldn't come. The nightmares where all various stages of war and destruction. I killed people in my dreams, i got shot, the dreams were so real and vivid that I felt the shock of resistance as I stuck a sword into a person and I felt a bullet ripping into me. I thought sober it would be worse. I was wrong...after a week sober I have not had a single dream of that kind.

So, find a way ...AA or something else...you can do it...you have our love and support just figure it out and have the life that you were meant to!

LaFemme

julez

Stella, it doesn't sound like a pity party. It sounds like you have some really strong feelings about your drinking, and know you need to stop. I say take those feelings, identify them, and use them as your first step in moving forward. Its tough, but the fact that you care, and want to change, is great. Figure out what you can do next. Hang in there. One small step at a time.

BurningChrome

Stella, In many ways, I felt the same as you :-( I had lost touch with so many good friends due to my incredibly unhealthy pre-occupation with alcohol, at first, I saw it as giving up and saying good bye to my best and _only_ friend! Pretty pathetic self justification looking back on it, but that's the way it was for me. I see that _now_. It does NOT have to be that way! Take the advice of others here and _do_ something/anything different, see your doctor (trust me, they have heard it all before and are NOT judgemental), see a counsular, go to a meeting, anything, just do something different. I actually changed the routes I drove originally so I would not even pass by a liquor store!
Best of luck stay strong!
..Mike


- Oh, I see you posted here around 4:00 in the morning, yep, I have been reading posts here Many times at 3:00-4:00 in the morning after just 2-3 hours of terrible sleep. I know what you are going thru!

LexieCat

Hi, Stella,

I know that lonely and desperate place that you are. Until you stop drinking, you will continue to feel that way. Does the thought of feeling that way for the rest of your life scare you? It should--because that's what you have to look forward to, unless you stop.

When you have had enough, I suggest that you check into a medically supervised detox. Before you go in, get rid of EVERY drop of booze in the house--down the drain, out the door, in the trash. Once you have detoxed safely, throw yourself into a rehab program or AA.

Only you can make the decision. We'll be here to support you every step of the way.

Cottonwoodchris

Stella, the first few days of detox for me were awful. The dreams were like waking nightmares. I didn't sleep for 3 days. I would close my eyes and it was a different world. Then I was seeing faces, hearing voices, I got medical help (Zanax) and it all went away. Now, 21 days sober and quit the Zanax 8 days ago. Agree with the others, see a doctor, withdrawl can be dangerous. Then get into a program. Be there for your grandma before it's too late.

shaun00

Might be a good idea to run this past the doc.....before you stop abruptly.
Some get into serious medical complications with detox with appropriate meds.

nightmares that are that vivid were what i suffered towards the end of detox.
maybe a week of the booze.....once my sleep pattern returned the nightmare ceased......

Dee74

I remember really horrific nightmares - asleep and awake - after periods of hard use - I really empathise.

I agree with Shaun and Lexie tho - please do go get yourself checked out by a Dr, or detox programme as soon as you can...then check out a rehab and/or recovery programme.

There is a better way to live Stella - there's lots of us here to prove it
You're among friends.

D

stellaloella

Thanks, all, for your responses. I know I'm a few-and-far-betweener with my posts, but this site has been helpful and comforting to me for about 3 years. I saw my grandmother today (not good) but at least I was sober. I did not come home to drink because for some reason, whether it be the hospital cafeteria food eliciting a full stomach or just a distaste for my lifestyle, I've actually managed Day 1. Again. So sad to see a dying woman but I guess it was really a wake-up call that at the level of my drinking, it could be me, a 33 year-old woman (instead of an 87 year-old woman). I love my grandmother and grew up with her as my closest neighbor. She was in a stupor but said "well if you live this long you may go through this" and I almost cried... because I've had two serious falls this last month and wondered, waking up of course, why I was still alive. I have determined to see a doctor so I can just get through this because I'm a chronic relapse case and I know it just keeps getting worse every time I start drinking again after each effort to quit.

I appreciate, so much, the honesty of all the people here. Thanks so much for all the support I've been given. It's been the difference between me bawling my eyes out or just smiling a little knowing that I'm just in the same position of so many others. Thanks to you.