Saturday relapse on codieness
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Saturday relapse on codieness
I went to a baby shower on Saturday on a Golf course.
A coworker sat next to me and was showing me pictures of random stuff - then he showed me one with XABF+GF. She looked stunning and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Ouch.
I accept this dragged me down during the weekend.
Today I am thinking - where was this pic taken?
In a bar.
In fact in the same bar where we went too.
Nothing has changed.
I remembered why I no longer hang around with that crowd.
I thought "what a guy without tact, showing me this"
Then I thought "perhaps I look well and over it and it seems I don't give a damn anymore?"
He kept showing the pic and saying "here is X and Y..." and showing it around
I mean this guy watched how tough it was on me.
And he also said "F really enjoys drinking" and hinted he realized he has an issue.
Yet he still goes out to drink with him.
"Can't control anyone" was what I kept thinking.
Yesterday I got therapy and the therapist said I deserve all great things in life. This made me cry.
I don't know if I should remember the bad stuff to get past this last one. I just want to let it all go away and get back on track to my Alternate Universe of Healing, Recovery and Good stuff.
I am glad anyway that it was a one time occasion (the baby shower).
At least those 2 didn't go to the event in person (well it was Sat early morning so probably the hangover was bad).
What a lonely place this is, but I am trying to think I am no longer fooled and I no longer support a sinking ship. I am glad I have a place to be honest with people that get it, it really is priceless. It strikes me how others can keep being in denial. I was so thankful for SR and all the concepts we talk about here.
In group therapy they told me it must be tough to be in "indirect contact" with that hell but also that is will be a good barometer for when I am healthier and let go for real.
The therapist told me I am acting like my mom, repeating the story (depressed while ex gets someone and moves on) and that I am trying to show my love to my mom this way, or get her to love me (for her to empathize with me) but that it is a learned pattern. And that this is not me. And that she will make me give this pattern back to my mom.
Thanks for letting me vent. At least I have emotional homework so time to get busy, I am so angryyyyyyyyyyy for still letting it to get me..
A coworker sat next to me and was showing me pictures of random stuff - then he showed me one with XABF+GF. She looked stunning and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Ouch.
I accept this dragged me down during the weekend.
Today I am thinking - where was this pic taken?
In a bar.
In fact in the same bar where we went too.
Nothing has changed.
I remembered why I no longer hang around with that crowd.
I thought "what a guy without tact, showing me this"
Then I thought "perhaps I look well and over it and it seems I don't give a damn anymore?"
He kept showing the pic and saying "here is X and Y..." and showing it around
I mean this guy watched how tough it was on me.
And he also said "F really enjoys drinking" and hinted he realized he has an issue.
Yet he still goes out to drink with him.
"Can't control anyone" was what I kept thinking.
Yesterday I got therapy and the therapist said I deserve all great things in life. This made me cry.
I don't know if I should remember the bad stuff to get past this last one. I just want to let it all go away and get back on track to my Alternate Universe of Healing, Recovery and Good stuff.
I am glad anyway that it was a one time occasion (the baby shower).
At least those 2 didn't go to the event in person (well it was Sat early morning so probably the hangover was bad).
What a lonely place this is, but I am trying to think I am no longer fooled and I no longer support a sinking ship. I am glad I have a place to be honest with people that get it, it really is priceless. It strikes me how others can keep being in denial. I was so thankful for SR and all the concepts we talk about here.
In group therapy they told me it must be tough to be in "indirect contact" with that hell but also that is will be a good barometer for when I am healthier and let go for real.
The therapist told me I am acting like my mom, repeating the story (depressed while ex gets someone and moves on) and that I am trying to show my love to my mom this way, or get her to love me (for her to empathize with me) but that it is a learned pattern. And that this is not me. And that she will make me give this pattern back to my mom.
Thanks for letting me vent. At least I have emotional homework so time to get busy, I am so angryyyyyyyyyyy for still letting it to get me..
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
I am so much a codi. I'm sitting here crying at work because I feel bad for him. He has no job, money etc. And he left almost two weeks ago. I just want to take care of him. I know that's the codi but am working on it. I hope as each day passes it will be easier.
God bless.
God bless.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
A good thing I did on Sat - realized it hurt and cried a little.
Played a favorite band and sang along.
Painted my hair with an organic tint - now its black and closer to my original color. I may stop painting it altogether. Nothing wrong with my color right? supposedly I need to stop trying to be someone different.
I put on a tribal temporary tattoo on an arm and I love it.
Can't wait for kickboxing tonight...
Played a favorite band and sang along.
Painted my hair with an organic tint - now its black and closer to my original color. I may stop painting it altogether. Nothing wrong with my color right? supposedly I need to stop trying to be someone different.
I put on a tribal temporary tattoo on an arm and I love it.
Can't wait for kickboxing tonight...
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
veryregretful, I cried for weeks at work, so I get it. It sucks but it sucks more to be there acting as if nothing is wrong - also reading here I know alkies are very resourceful....... need to hand all this to HP/God...
Thanks Tally - that is what I thought, one can smile and be happy in a pic but who knows WTF happened afterwards. I guess I was fooled again thinking "perhaps he is now able to cut back and love for real". Sheesh.
I was also thinking about someone who cares about my interests - what would he do?he would invite me to a yoga retreat or a vegetarian restaurant or to walk on a park.
The same war-themed bar (which I find repulsing, to banalize tragedy) and only beer to drink - there are no sodas sold there. It is just beer. It is still about HIM, HIS tastes. And alcohol. And enablers. Why am I surprised?
This helps. Thanks, thanks for getting me....
I'll read the Stickies once again.
Thanks Tally - that is what I thought, one can smile and be happy in a pic but who knows WTF happened afterwards. I guess I was fooled again thinking "perhaps he is now able to cut back and love for real". Sheesh.
I was also thinking about someone who cares about my interests - what would he do?he would invite me to a yoga retreat or a vegetarian restaurant or to walk on a park.
The same war-themed bar (which I find repulsing, to banalize tragedy) and only beer to drink - there are no sodas sold there. It is just beer. It is still about HIM, HIS tastes. And alcohol. And enablers. Why am I surprised?
This helps. Thanks, thanks for getting me....
I'll read the Stickies once again.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Ok, so she looked stunning now.....wait a while longer, when the cr*p gets heavier and he puts her thru what you went thru, and I bet she just looks stunned.
The Codie thing is all round the wrong way.....Codies run after their A"s to "help, fix, love" them, but can't put the effort into themselves. It is as if we were born to be just nurses, maids, to mummy those who are too busy with their Addiction to care for themselves and not expect anything good back.
Looking at it rationlly, on seeing an A, we should run like hell out of their way, because we know the hurt and misery that comes with them, but no, we almost dive bomb them and give til it hurts. We are left damaged even more, and then get told that we were no help to our A, and all we did was prolong the agony.
Even when we finally get exhausted and either leave, give the A the boot or get replaced by a fresh version of us......we still think over and/or worry ourselves sick over them.
I had to remind myself when split from boozing RABF, that if he was cold, hungry, sick, broke, stuck in town and no cab money, owed money and couldn't pay pub pals, etc;
IT WAS HIS CHOICE TO DRINK, despite his 40 plus years of knowing what the consequences would be, HE DECIDED to drink.
TC when you see this new GF, don't envy her being with him, PITY her for what lies ahead of her, and be thankful it isn't still you in his trap.
VeryRegretful, it is still a new and open wound for you, but please try and look at your needs and let him follow his own path. He chose to run out on you, to leave you for the addictions he needed more than he needed you, and you were the one left in pain, not him. He is an adult, and if he is homeless, unhappy, or whatever, there are places and people who are trained for caring for him. You can look at working your recovery and treating yourself as important, needing care and attention for yourself.
Both of you deserve so much, and it will come.
God bless
The Codie thing is all round the wrong way.....Codies run after their A"s to "help, fix, love" them, but can't put the effort into themselves. It is as if we were born to be just nurses, maids, to mummy those who are too busy with their Addiction to care for themselves and not expect anything good back.
Looking at it rationlly, on seeing an A, we should run like hell out of their way, because we know the hurt and misery that comes with them, but no, we almost dive bomb them and give til it hurts. We are left damaged even more, and then get told that we were no help to our A, and all we did was prolong the agony.
Even when we finally get exhausted and either leave, give the A the boot or get replaced by a fresh version of us......we still think over and/or worry ourselves sick over them.
I had to remind myself when split from boozing RABF, that if he was cold, hungry, sick, broke, stuck in town and no cab money, owed money and couldn't pay pub pals, etc;
IT WAS HIS CHOICE TO DRINK, despite his 40 plus years of knowing what the consequences would be, HE DECIDED to drink.
TC when you see this new GF, don't envy her being with him, PITY her for what lies ahead of her, and be thankful it isn't still you in his trap.
VeryRegretful, it is still a new and open wound for you, but please try and look at your needs and let him follow his own path. He chose to run out on you, to leave you for the addictions he needed more than he needed you, and you were the one left in pain, not him. He is an adult, and if he is homeless, unhappy, or whatever, there are places and people who are trained for caring for him. You can look at working your recovery and treating yourself as important, needing care and attention for yourself.
Both of you deserve so much, and it will come.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
for VR...If HE's not worried about not having $$ or a job why should you be? he has no interest in his own self care....why is that?
He SHOULD be worried about his responsibility to support his children.
TC, perhaps this "stunning" woman will smarten up and quickly move on...or she won't be very "stunning" for very long....nothing robs your looks like hard living and stress. which you have removed from your life, congrats.
He SHOULD be worried about his responsibility to support his children.
TC, perhaps this "stunning" woman will smarten up and quickly move on...or she won't be very "stunning" for very long....nothing robs your looks like hard living and stress. which you have removed from your life, congrats.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
You know that empty spot youre feeling right now?
You keep ON this path -
it's gonna fill - with YOU ...
and man I'm here to say it's effin GREAT!!!!!
this is part of the process.
you've just been shown another hole in the puzzle is all.
You keep ON this path -
it's gonna fill - with YOU ...
and man I'm here to say it's effin GREAT!!!!!
this is part of the process.
you've just been shown another hole in the puzzle is all.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Barb, I was just thinking of how it is like happiness is starting to fill Taking Charge - like coloring her hair, and her fun little tattoo. That is a good feeling, when we can begin to rise above the yukky quicker and quicker all the time.
Sometimes a little "salt in the wound" is healing. I always put a little salt on cancer sores- hurts like a B&#@*, but they heal quicker.
chicory
Sometimes a little "salt in the wound" is healing. I always put a little salt on cancer sores- hurts like a B&#@*, but they heal quicker.
chicory
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
There WILL come the day
that you'll see a pic of this guy and go ...
ewwww. I've come SO far from THAT trainwreck.
TRULY JULIE!!!!!!
You're gonna go ... GOD I hope nobody remembers me with something like that.....
then look in the mirror and go -=
"I am SOOO sorry i did that to you!!!"
then laugh and move on.
again.
that you'll see a pic of this guy and go ...
ewwww. I've come SO far from THAT trainwreck.
TRULY JULIE!!!!!!
You're gonna go ... GOD I hope nobody remembers me with something like that.....
then look in the mirror and go -=
"I am SOOO sorry i did that to you!!!"
then laugh and move on.
again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
My ex is also dating a beautiful woman. She describes her relationship with him as "we live like we're married," although my ex has no intention of marrying her, I've asked him. I've about given up trying to get her to understand that perhaps it isn't in anyone's best interests for her to be so involved in my daughter's care. The effort she puts into being a good wife and stepmother-- without the ring-- looks exhausting from where I'm standing.
I've asked myself, would I be willing to do all that to keep any man? And the answer is no. The anger does pass and pity remains. She's a lovely, intelligent, capable woman and odds are, she's signed up to have her heart go through a major train wreck.
Oh... and I'm doubtful about your therapist's assessment. There's this principle in science called Occam's Razor ("one should not increase, beyond what is necessary, the number of entities required to explain anything"). If you're distressed because your ex has someone new, I don't think that's necessarily related to how you feel about your mother. Men tend to start new relationships faster post-breakup, therefore generally straight women have to deal with the ex's new SO sooner than men do. Maybe you're just not ready to move on quite yet, and it hurts, and that's ok.
I've asked myself, would I be willing to do all that to keep any man? And the answer is no. The anger does pass and pity remains. She's a lovely, intelligent, capable woman and odds are, she's signed up to have her heart go through a major train wreck.
Oh... and I'm doubtful about your therapist's assessment. There's this principle in science called Occam's Razor ("one should not increase, beyond what is necessary, the number of entities required to explain anything"). If you're distressed because your ex has someone new, I don't think that's necessarily related to how you feel about your mother. Men tend to start new relationships faster post-breakup, therefore generally straight women have to deal with the ex's new SO sooner than men do. Maybe you're just not ready to move on quite yet, and it hurts, and that's ok.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Did this guy really know that you two were together? Are you absolutely sure he was trying to push your buttons, or could it be he was ignorant of your past relationship?
I don't see how your behavior was codie because you are not with this person anymore.
Wasn't it just grief over the loss of a relationship?
I am not being flippant, but just trying to define codie. I sort of define codependent behavior as the dynamics that happen when you are actively in the relationship with an addict.
Sorry...forgive the bluntness....I've been up for 22 hours. EEeh. Bed now.
I don't see how your behavior was codie because you are not with this person anymore.
Wasn't it just grief over the loss of a relationship?
I am not being flippant, but just trying to define codie. I sort of define codependent behavior as the dynamics that happen when you are actively in the relationship with an addict.
Sorry...forgive the bluntness....I've been up for 22 hours. EEeh. Bed now.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I read this thread again and I will take MYSELF to a veggie restaurant, to a park AND to a yoga retreat. 
!! DUH!! I hadn't realized I can already do those alone and have a good time, LOL.
!! DUH!! I hadn't realized I can already do those alone and have a good time, LOL.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: England
Posts: 137
Awful guy showing you the pic in the first place needs a good kick in the balls if you ask me.
Sure she might have looked stunning all dolled up out and about in a bar, i bet she didnt look stunning at the end of the night or first thing in the morning.
Anyway YOU are stunning, brave and sincere, you have gone through so much, dont care what she looks like hun, I know it hurts but it is not what we look like it is who we are.
AND
Suzie xxx
Sure she might have looked stunning all dolled up out and about in a bar, i bet she didnt look stunning at the end of the night or first thing in the morning.
Anyway YOU are stunning, brave and sincere, you have gone through so much, dont care what she looks like hun, I know it hurts but it is not what we look like it is who we are.
AND
Suzie xxx
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks barb and everyone, thanks. I feel better and back on track.
Today I paid my rent 100% because the BF is leaving today/tomorrow... I feel great.
I wanted to invite my mom to stay with me for a few weeks but no, I need my space and finally after 2 years am ready to respect that need. It is OBVIOUS that I need lots and lots of SILENCE, SPACE, PEACE.. and I am finally going to get them... yay!!
littlefish I am not sure about his intentions but yes, we all know each other for years now, we even drove together the 7hours from our original city, he saw each other separately post breakup... then I started avoiding him like the plague and he started to become closer to him and "them"... he also told me that "he is not a bad guy, just 'too young' " and that I should not "demonize him"... but now that I know they hang out together after work as well I want to go NC with him again. And that is what I am doing.
Codie behavior to me was comparing myself to the new GF and believing hurtful stuff for myself or feeling menaced or attacked somehow.... trying to control others... as in these thoughts: "why isn't XABF becoming adult?? sober?? why is he having fun????? why is he happy and I am miserable?? all this time he has been enjoying life and not giving a damn, he does not deserve joy" that kind of harmful thinking.
Some context-
My mom married my dad and he left when my daughter was 6 and I was 3 - then he re-married and introduced us to the 'new wife'... ok another light bulb moment is coming.... that was also something shocking for me - I am not sure how much time passed since my dad left the house and when I met his new partner, but I remember not knowing who she was (and she is not the warmest person on Earth) and feeling sad/shocked/confused... the same 'this is too quick for me to handle' feeling, the same "I am not good enough and this other woman IS good enough for his time/attention/affection.. and he shows it to ME"
My therapy homework is to write to my dad about all the things I need/have needed so far. I will need 2 Kleenex boxes. I have already worked this before but no, it seems I am not over that yet.
Anyway, I love my therapist. I always leave hopeful for myself. I look forward to fill my life of me and get to know ME... THAT is new!! For now, mesotherapy at 630, Pilates at 715 and kick boxing at 830...
I am so glad I am on "the other side" and get back on my feet faster... whew!! I am grateful for having an HP to resort to and know I am OK... I am OK now... all is going on as it should be... and there is an afternoon to enjoy...
((HUGS EVERYONE))
Today I paid my rent 100% because the BF is leaving today/tomorrow... I feel great.
I wanted to invite my mom to stay with me for a few weeks but no, I need my space and finally after 2 years am ready to respect that need. It is OBVIOUS that I need lots and lots of SILENCE, SPACE, PEACE.. and I am finally going to get them... yay!!
littlefish I am not sure about his intentions but yes, we all know each other for years now, we even drove together the 7hours from our original city, he saw each other separately post breakup... then I started avoiding him like the plague and he started to become closer to him and "them"... he also told me that "he is not a bad guy, just 'too young' " and that I should not "demonize him"... but now that I know they hang out together after work as well I want to go NC with him again. And that is what I am doing.
Codie behavior to me was comparing myself to the new GF and believing hurtful stuff for myself or feeling menaced or attacked somehow.... trying to control others... as in these thoughts: "why isn't XABF becoming adult?? sober?? why is he having fun????? why is he happy and I am miserable?? all this time he has been enjoying life and not giving a damn, he does not deserve joy" that kind of harmful thinking.
Some context-
My mom married my dad and he left when my daughter was 6 and I was 3 - then he re-married and introduced us to the 'new wife'... ok another light bulb moment is coming.... that was also something shocking for me - I am not sure how much time passed since my dad left the house and when I met his new partner, but I remember not knowing who she was (and she is not the warmest person on Earth) and feeling sad/shocked/confused... the same 'this is too quick for me to handle' feeling, the same "I am not good enough and this other woman IS good enough for his time/attention/affection.. and he shows it to ME"
My therapy homework is to write to my dad about all the things I need/have needed so far. I will need 2 Kleenex boxes. I have already worked this before but no, it seems I am not over that yet.
Anyway, I love my therapist. I always leave hopeful for myself. I look forward to fill my life of me and get to know ME... THAT is new!! For now, mesotherapy at 630, Pilates at 715 and kick boxing at 830...
I am so glad I am on "the other side" and get back on my feet faster... whew!! I am grateful for having an HP to resort to and know I am OK... I am OK now... all is going on as it should be... and there is an afternoon to enjoy...
((HUGS EVERYONE))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
taking charge-
totally relate to what you are going thru. that guy was not your friend to show you that picture.
just keep doing your recovery work. that guy wasn't good for you. just keep keeping on.
there are a lot of fish in the sea.
right now, you have a golden opportunity to get to know yourself. many never take such opportunity. sure, it's a hard road but well worth it.
hang in there.
naive
totally relate to what you are going thru. that guy was not your friend to show you that picture.
just keep doing your recovery work. that guy wasn't good for you. just keep keeping on.
there are a lot of fish in the sea.
right now, you have a golden opportunity to get to know yourself. many never take such opportunity. sure, it's a hard road but well worth it.
hang in there.
naive
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
You're gonna go ... GOD I hope nobody remembers me with something like that.....
Thanks barb.
naive: thanks. I had conflicting feelings about this "friend" but now its very clear.
Thanks HP for reminding me to keep away and seek other real life friends (those that don't even know XABF or anyone similar, because they got other stuff to do other than waste themselves in bars)
Off I go to kick and punch the anger out of my system !!
Thanks barb.
naive: thanks. I had conflicting feelings about this "friend" but now its very clear.
Thanks HP for reminding me to keep away and seek other real life friends (those that don't even know XABF or anyone similar, because they got other stuff to do other than waste themselves in bars)
Off I go to kick and punch the anger out of my system !!
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