Nightmares
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
Nightmares
I just had to share with you guys cause I just don't know where else to put this. The last 3 weekends I have had terrible nightmares about my mom. For those that don't know she was diagnosed with cancer a couple of months ago - prognosis is terminal. She lives across the country - she is my best friend and my rock not to mention my mom.
This afternoon I dreamed I was carrying her through the hospital (she was only bones in the dream) and no would would help us. The dream went on forever - carrying her from place to place and begging for help. Then I got mad and yelled at a couple of ladies then my mom disappeared and I was alone. I haven't felt good since I woke up. Wanted to call xabf but didn't. That would just make things way worse - I know this. My subconscious mind is really doing a number on me. I can keep things pretty together most days but this whole thing is just H*LL. Mom sick and abf gone - what the heck happened to my life?
I have stress induced asthma now - I feel like I can't breathe cause my heart is broken. At least I am shedding a few tears now - that has to be healthy I guess. I feel like I have to be stronger than ever right now but there is a little kid in my heart that is scared to death. I just want to get on a plane and go home and have mom be well.
I also have to lay some of my team off at the end of the month. I manage about 40 or so people and this feels like crap too. This is the 3rd time in the last 2 years I have had to do lays offs. Makes me feel miserable - I know it is my job to do it but it still sucks seeing these people every day and knowing I have to choose soon who goes.
Sorry for the garbage dump guys. Just having a tough night tonight.
This afternoon I dreamed I was carrying her through the hospital (she was only bones in the dream) and no would would help us. The dream went on forever - carrying her from place to place and begging for help. Then I got mad and yelled at a couple of ladies then my mom disappeared and I was alone. I haven't felt good since I woke up. Wanted to call xabf but didn't. That would just make things way worse - I know this. My subconscious mind is really doing a number on me. I can keep things pretty together most days but this whole thing is just H*LL. Mom sick and abf gone - what the heck happened to my life?
I have stress induced asthma now - I feel like I can't breathe cause my heart is broken. At least I am shedding a few tears now - that has to be healthy I guess. I feel like I have to be stronger than ever right now but there is a little kid in my heart that is scared to death. I just want to get on a plane and go home and have mom be well.
I also have to lay some of my team off at the end of the month. I manage about 40 or so people and this feels like crap too. This is the 3rd time in the last 2 years I have had to do lays offs. Makes me feel miserable - I know it is my job to do it but it still sucks seeing these people every day and knowing I have to choose soon who goes.
Sorry for the garbage dump guys. Just having a tough night tonight.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Oh, wow! ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
Could you have anymore on your plate?
I am so sorry.
I hate nightmares, I have some gruesome ones too...it is my subconscious mind working through things.
If it gets to be too much, see a Dr....our minds need the rest at night, as well as our bodies.
For me, sometimes I need a break from it even if it is "processing"
Could you have anymore on your plate?
I am so sorry.
I hate nightmares, I have some gruesome ones too...it is my subconscious mind working through things.
If it gets to be too much, see a Dr....our minds need the rest at night, as well as our bodies.
For me, sometimes I need a break from it even if it is "processing"
i hate cancer!!! And i hate sickness!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 143
I am so sorry for your mother, Lola. I too have been having nightmares lately, they are horrible, and you're right you just can't shake the feeling even after the dreams are over! It puts a bad start to the whole day if you ask me! Hope you feel better!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
So sorry to hear you're feeling this way and have all this happening.
I'm afraid I can't say much, it is painful and it is process you have to go through. I know how hard it is, and it takes time to heal.
11 years ago my dad passed away, and only two weeks after that my mum was diagnozed with breast cancer. It has been a long battle for her but she did manage to survive. That was real tough time in my life. And I just had my first child 9 months before it all happened, so all of that was just too overwhelming to me (I was only 26 at the time). I too had nightmares and it felt like the whole world was falling apart. It put me in the constant state of panic, I feared earthquakes and any other kind of thing that can just come our of nowhere and distroy my life even more. I think the whole experience for me (apart from obvious) was mostly about realizing how little in life is controled by me, and how on any given minute anything could go so terribly wrong. At the time I knew nothing about recovery, and I tended to see life in black and white. Since than it has been a fair amount of pain in my life that has thought me to see things from the different perspective, but at the time there was no short cut through that pain, but there were few things that were a bit helpful: getting enough rest, eating properly, doing nice little things for me, and talking, talking, talking about it.
I really feel for you
Take care
I'm afraid I can't say much, it is painful and it is process you have to go through. I know how hard it is, and it takes time to heal.
11 years ago my dad passed away, and only two weeks after that my mum was diagnozed with breast cancer. It has been a long battle for her but she did manage to survive. That was real tough time in my life. And I just had my first child 9 months before it all happened, so all of that was just too overwhelming to me (I was only 26 at the time). I too had nightmares and it felt like the whole world was falling apart. It put me in the constant state of panic, I feared earthquakes and any other kind of thing that can just come our of nowhere and distroy my life even more. I think the whole experience for me (apart from obvious) was mostly about realizing how little in life is controled by me, and how on any given minute anything could go so terribly wrong. At the time I knew nothing about recovery, and I tended to see life in black and white. Since than it has been a fair amount of pain in my life that has thought me to see things from the different perspective, but at the time there was no short cut through that pain, but there were few things that were a bit helpful: getting enough rest, eating properly, doing nice little things for me, and talking, talking, talking about it.
I really feel for you
Take care
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I know, I dont know how I am going to handle when she gets sicker
I hope you are feeling a little better today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
Thank you all for your support. I really appreciate it. I am feeling much better today after a decent night sleep nightmare free thankfully. I seem to have way more bumps in my road on the weekends. I need my free time to rest but it also allows my mind to go places that a way tougher than during the week when I am working and distracted. Next weekend I need to plan for emotional stuff to come up. I am no good at a daily journal but maybe a weekend one would help me through this time. Having xabf not around on the weekends will take some time to get used to as well. He was gone for 6 months no contact a couple of years ago so I know I can do it - just have to get new routines. His drunk drama was negative but took time - I need to get new routines to fill up the vacant space he has left.
Mom is doing good today so that helps - some days it seems like she has more energy than me! She has a friend that is a Chaplin that came to dialysis last night and played her healing flute music for the group - pretty cool. Between dialysis, visiting nurses, physical therapy and doctor visits she has a busy schedule. I just pray and pray we can at least stay at this level for awhile - with help she is still able to stay at home. She owns a big building that she rents out parts of so there are people there with her a lot of the time. She is an artist (oil painter) and her dream was always to have a place that would be used for artist to come to. That dream has really come together this last couple of years. She rents space to a bronze sculptor, drawing classes a couple of times a week and an art gallery in part of the space. Also a massage therapist too. Mom has a great life built for herself - I want her to be there and happy as long as possible.
The future is not today though - ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Mom is doing good today so that helps - some days it seems like she has more energy than me! She has a friend that is a Chaplin that came to dialysis last night and played her healing flute music for the group - pretty cool. Between dialysis, visiting nurses, physical therapy and doctor visits she has a busy schedule. I just pray and pray we can at least stay at this level for awhile - with help she is still able to stay at home. She owns a big building that she rents out parts of so there are people there with her a lot of the time. She is an artist (oil painter) and her dream was always to have a place that would be used for artist to come to. That dream has really come together this last couple of years. She rents space to a bronze sculptor, drawing classes a couple of times a week and an art gallery in part of the space. Also a massage therapist too. Mom has a great life built for herself - I want her to be there and happy as long as possible.
The future is not today though - ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
My Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was 33 and she was only 55. She was all that was left of my family, and man it was tough, we were close. She only lived 3 months past the diagnosis.
I did have the presence of mind to make her funeral arrangements before the fact, after wards I figured I wouldn't be in any shape to, and I was right.
I read a book called "On Death and Dying" by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross which was of some comfort, as it explained what to expect.
Some of my friends are facing this now as we are getting older ourselves. I miss my Mom, but I'm glad it's behind me already.
Sounds like she's living a great life. Hugs to you.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
I did have the presence of mind to make her funeral arrangements before the fact, after wards I figured I wouldn't be in any shape to, and I was right.
I read a book called "On Death and Dying" by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross which was of some comfort, as it explained what to expect.
Some of my friends are facing this now as we are getting older ourselves. I miss my Mom, but I'm glad it's behind me already.
Sounds like she's living a great life. Hugs to you.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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