Marticus

Im grateful for being alive! The way I was and where I was going, I really dont know where Id be today. Ive been off drugs/alcohol since may (have had a few slips) but was headed for a complete nervous breakdown. I kept fainting and my emotions were just all over the place. I prayed nightly for help and was completely stuck in every way possible. The doctor said thats where I was headed. The drugs and alcohol took a hold of me when I was 24 and took over my life for about 3 1/2 years. I started believing they would help with my terrible anxiety/depression, and they did, for the first month, and then they took complete control. Mostly marijuana (3 grams a day by the end) and hard liquor as much as possible (vodka!). I would wake up, smoke, all day smoke/drink, goto bed high or just pass out. I cant believe how bad things became for me now that im clear headed and can see straight (literally!) I feel as though I might have as well been in jail for those years! I cut off all contact from most people and would just use and seclude myself, unless of course you had something I could use. My anxiety only became worse, I drained my bank account to zero and lost all relationships and friendships. Im also grateful ive found this page, as I see many others can and probably do relate. I attend NA/AA meetings as much as I can and I am back on track to putting my life in order. It was like a bad dream, as 'did that really happen?'!
I dont know what happened in May 2010, but I did have what some would call a 'spiritual awakening' and lost the *desire/craving* to use, something I really believed id never lose or would have to go to inpatient rehab, and I know I would have never went! Im so grateful that god, or a 'higher power', or wtv was able to relieve me of that sickness. Now I know I need to stay away from people who use and would influence me, as I cant be around it while im in recovery. Im doing my 12 steps and have a new found appreciation for life. Im starting all over so to speak. I think 'If anytime I should use, it should be now!' because im stuck building back my bank account from nothing, lost all my relationships and ignored those who tried to help. So its a whole new friend set and people in my life. Im trying my hardest and strongly believe I will overcome it and continue to remain clean and sober. I hope whomever is reading this, if youre also clean and sober, stay there!

Reubena

Glad you are here, Marticus

Horselover

Welcome Marticus and thank you for taking the time to share. Keep up the gratitude because it will keep you focused and on track in my opinion.