Any Thoughts?
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: anywhere, usa
Posts: 39
Any Thoughts?
This is not my first time here, I read more than I write but it sure is helpful. A little background info first. I have a 24 year old AD, or so we have been told. Problems started when she was 17. At that time she was court ordered to a 30 day program. After about 3 weeks she was kicked out for breaking down a door to get to her money to walk to a nearby store and buy cigarettes. She was then sent to another program where she stayed about 6 months. Came out of there with a really good attitude but was only able to stay sober for about 5 or 6 months. Ended up going back to old friends as she said she could find no one her age in the program. Since that time she has been in 3 30 day programs and her last one was a 90 day program. Once or twice she went on her own free will. She always comes out saying she does not want to go back to that life, but eventually does.
She recently moved out and started a trade school with a grant and loans. She had been living back at home after being kicked out of a halfway house about a year ago. She again said she hated what she was doing to herself and had started outpatient again and was going to meetings. Went for an assessment at the facility she had been in recently and was on a waiting list. That never came through.
Now to my question. She is back to drinking and smoking pot. She denied it until we caught her red handed. She now tells us she has been drinking for about 10 months and can now controll it. She says she only had problems before because she drank so much to fit in and be accepted by the people whe hung around with. I know when I was young I drank ALOT. After getting married and starting my family I have no issues. I would never have thought to do the things she has done or talk to my parents and call them the names she has called us.
Now, back to my questions, Do any of you think this is possible?, that she now can control it? She has been seeing a counselor that has helped her with her self esteem.
She is not employed yet, not that she is not trying, I know she is. She has a bad history and about the only thing she can do is restaurant serving. Background history shows stealing. She is such a great person but once she starts drinking she starts to change. Others see it but she can't. Just thought I'd throw this out there for any ideas. Thanks for listening.
She recently moved out and started a trade school with a grant and loans. She had been living back at home after being kicked out of a halfway house about a year ago. She again said she hated what she was doing to herself and had started outpatient again and was going to meetings. Went for an assessment at the facility she had been in recently and was on a waiting list. That never came through.
Now to my question. She is back to drinking and smoking pot. She denied it until we caught her red handed. She now tells us she has been drinking for about 10 months and can now controll it. She says she only had problems before because she drank so much to fit in and be accepted by the people whe hung around with. I know when I was young I drank ALOT. After getting married and starting my family I have no issues. I would never have thought to do the things she has done or talk to my parents and call them the names she has called us.
Now, back to my questions, Do any of you think this is possible?, that she now can control it? She has been seeing a counselor that has helped her with her self esteem.
She is not employed yet, not that she is not trying, I know she is. She has a bad history and about the only thing she can do is restaurant serving. Background history shows stealing. She is such a great person but once she starts drinking she starts to change. Others see it but she can't. Just thought I'd throw this out there for any ideas. Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
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Not that it matters, I just wanted to add that the reason she is so sure she can control it it that after each sober period she has usually lost control quite quickly, I would say within about a month or 2 she is usually out all the time, up all night, sleeps all day. Now, she is not doing this so she thinks she is in control.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
I agree with the others...I have serious doubts it will work. I'm sure she truly believes she can control it, and may actually do so for some period of time, but sooner or later, she'll be right back where she was. If a person truly can control their usage, they don't need multiple rehabs. Also, if a person isn't a problem drinker/user, they never question whether or not they can control it, it just never enters their mind to do so because it isn't a problem.
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It is not her questioning it, it is her family. I just feel used and manipulated by things she has done. I guess my fear is that I have told her I am very close to cutting ties with her as I don't feel I want to put myself through what I have already gone through with her over the past 8 years. But, what happens if she doesn't go off the deep end and can controll it. Then I have cut her out of my life for nothing. That' why I am questioning what the odds are she is OK
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
You can detach from the behavior without cutting her out of your life. You say that she has improved and is looking for work. These are good things. You dont' have to assume that the other shoe is going to fall, but you can be ready for it if it does. Have you considered finding and attending Alanon meetings? You will find much support there and you will learn how to detach from her alcoholic behavior so that you aren't devastated if she does return to her old ways.
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Yes I have attended al-anon meetings but right now we run a business out of our house and things are really busy.
Our problem is we are close. She calls atleast 3 or 4 times a day. Sometimes she says to much, things I don't want to hear because I know this means she is out drinking and sometimes she says very little and calls but really has nothing to say which I assume she is hiding something and in my mind i assume the worst.
She feels she is a rap artist. Goes to bars to perform, nothing we can hear because it is all anger and foul language. I don't see how this can be good for someone who should not be drinking
Our problem is we are close. She calls atleast 3 or 4 times a day. Sometimes she says to much, things I don't want to hear because I know this means she is out drinking and sometimes she says very little and calls but really has nothing to say which I assume she is hiding something and in my mind i assume the worst.
She feels she is a rap artist. Goes to bars to perform, nothing we can hear because it is all anger and foul language. I don't see how this can be good for someone who should not be drinking
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Perhaps it's time to start setting down and enforcing your boundaries. How many calls a day would you be comfortable with? What topics do you not want broached?
Give it some thought, figure out your boundaries, tell her once and then whenever she breaches a boundary, shut her down (or hang up). It WILL create tension between you, but then she'll learn that you're not always there, as a proverbial soft place to land (or rant at).
Give it some thought, figure out your boundaries, tell her once and then whenever she breaches a boundary, shut her down (or hang up). It WILL create tension between you, but then she'll learn that you're not always there, as a proverbial soft place to land (or rant at).
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
I'm having a difficult time figuring out if she lives in your home. If she does, only you can decide what you will or will not live with. Is it okay with you that she is unemployed but still goes out to bars singing and drinking? Even if she doesn't live with you, you still don't have to be around her if she is drinking. Learning how to set boundaries and enforce them can be a tremendous help.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
"Once you become a pickle, there's no going back to being a cucumber".
there's another saying as well -
"Everyone builds castles in the sky. Only the alcoholic tries to move in".
Rap stars don't do what they do for free.
They're probably the most business-oriented
creative group in recorded (pun-sorry) history.
They don't give - ANYTHING away.
It's more than effortless to get raving drunk in a bar
and not spend money.
If you're a woman.
It reads like walkin talkin denial
and dishonesty.
Both with the self, and with you.
My advice?
carve out the time for meetings.
find/make the time.
I think she's having little more than a 'lucky streak' as far as the use goes
and there may be chunks you're not being told.
Jus' sayin.
there's another saying as well -
"Everyone builds castles in the sky. Only the alcoholic tries to move in".
Rap stars don't do what they do for free.
They're probably the most business-oriented
creative group in recorded (pun-sorry) history.
They don't give - ANYTHING away.
It's more than effortless to get raving drunk in a bar
and not spend money.
If you're a woman.
It reads like walkin talkin denial
and dishonesty.
Both with the self, and with you.
My advice?
carve out the time for meetings.
find/make the time.
I think she's having little more than a 'lucky streak' as far as the use goes
and there may be chunks you're not being told.
Jus' sayin.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I drank ALOT when I was young, I was never court ordered to enter rehabs, I never broke down a door when I wanted cigarettes, I didn't attend 4 more rehabilitation programs, and then go back to drinking. I made some not great decisions when drunk, I had hangovers from hell, but I finished my education to PHD level, I held down jobs, I got promoted and had and looked after my children and as my responsibilities grew I naturally didn't drink as much without any thinking about it, because being blind drunk, dealing with a hangover or drinking often, just didn't fit with my life anymore; I grew up. Sounds like your own personal experience, doesn't sound much like hers.
Can she control it? I have no way of knowing, neither do you, probably she doesn't either, many people seem to decide not to take the risk given the damage that has been done in the past. Perhaps this is a time to wait and see what her drinking brings, and not worry about it in itself. Does the same unacceptable behaviour towards you continue? does she accept responsibility for her choices in the past and for the effect that has had on her life and choices now? does she get a job? working in a restaurant is a decent way that many young people start out, she has to prove her employability, is she willing to do it? These are things that only time will tell, and in the interim for your own sanity it might be best to try and not worry about that future, because worry doesn't change the outcome, or prepare you better, it just saps your happiness now.
She has to live her life the way she feels fit, but you get to decide how much of that you are comfortable being around.
Can she control it? I have no way of knowing, neither do you, probably she doesn't either, many people seem to decide not to take the risk given the damage that has been done in the past. Perhaps this is a time to wait and see what her drinking brings, and not worry about it in itself. Does the same unacceptable behaviour towards you continue? does she accept responsibility for her choices in the past and for the effect that has had on her life and choices now? does she get a job? working in a restaurant is a decent way that many young people start out, she has to prove her employability, is she willing to do it? These are things that only time will tell, and in the interim for your own sanity it might be best to try and not worry about that future, because worry doesn't change the outcome, or prepare you better, it just saps your happiness now.
She has to live her life the way she feels fit, but you get to decide how much of that you are comfortable being around.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I agree with everyone above who advocate you setting boundaries with her, regardless of whether or not she can control anything. At first it is a little cumbersome and unfamiliar-feeling to do this but you CAN do this. I know what you mean about being told things you really don't want to hear. I have been through this also.
It sounds like practicing Detachment from the alcoholic's behavior and problems, and boundary-setting, are good tools for you to practice right now. There are plenty of threads here on both topics, or you can Google them and get practical advice and How-To's on doing these things.
I recommend starting with the Serenity Prayer.
It sounds like practicing Detachment from the alcoholic's behavior and problems, and boundary-setting, are good tools for you to practice right now. There are plenty of threads here on both topics, or you can Google them and get practical advice and How-To's on doing these things.
I recommend starting with the Serenity Prayer.
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