duet_4-8

My oldest son melted down on me over his younger brother (AS).

It was just a big misunderstanding borne of the fact that instead of going directily to AS, he told me to tell AS he needed help moving something out of the barn when he got off work at 9pm.

AS is a theatre major in college and had auditioned for a part last night. He got a call-back (meaning they liked him and wanted a second audition) for tonight at 7. He honestly didn't know what time he would be able to leave.

I totally misunderstood the importance of what needed to be moved (some store fixtures from oldest son's old business that had been sold and needed to be put in a trailer) and that it HAD to be done tonight. So when the call-back came, I sent big bro a text (he was at work) just saying "hey-(AS) has to go to school tonight, he will help you sometime this weekend-love you."

Not 5 seconds later, the phone rings and older son is livid that his plans are being upset, he is inconvenienced, his brother is such a loser, so irresponsible, ungrateful, blah blah blah.

Now I realize that AS has a lot of issues, but this particular situation was not his fault. I tried to explain that it was ME that did not understand and that I would get in touch with AS, that he could come back asap after the audition, which is part of a class he is taking and not just something he chose to do, etc. When I couldn't give a specific time, older son just kept ranting and I finally lost it myself.

I HATE when that happens!

I told big bro that he should have communicated with AS himself. He said he didn't want to because AS makes him so mad, and went on to say some pretty self-righteous and judgmental things. And then I basically let him have it for being so self-righteous and judgmental.

And it went downhill from there. He kept ranting about how inconsiderate AS is and how he had his plans made and now had to change them. So I opened my big mouth and reminded him how many times, like this morning, that I drop everything I have planned to take care of his kids for him when something comes up.

Now I feel horrible for saying THAT particular thing, even though it does have more than a grain of truth to it.

Someone tell me what I could have done differently, other than not get angry.



Jen

barb dwyer

well...

first, if one of MY kids 'went off' on me - he'd get hung up on.

he can talk to me with respect that I'm his mother, or not at all.

when you took the blame, and he kept on going - same thing.
because everything he said after that was a ten year old talking.

I got sick of MINE when they WERE ten -
I'm sure as HECK not gonna put up with THAT crap ... now.



"talk to me when you're a rational adult."
*click*

no shouting.
no muss
no fuss.

it's when they 'dump' like that
that makes us as parents feel as if
we should DO something about it.

ten year olds thinnk like that.
not adults.

when the fact the FACT is ...
once they're grown...
their decisions ... count.

their decisions ... are truly theirs.

anyway I don't know if it's 'right' or not...

but when I turned 50
I decided no one NO ONE was ever going to speak to me like that.
ever again.

and for the most part - I have kept that word to myself.

KariSue

Ahhh, don't beat yourself up. We're human. We get angry and lose it. It is just one of those things.

I am very easy going and patient but it seems like the times I've lost it and told my AS off is the time he made some improvements. I guess he knows if he gets me THAT upset then he'd better try harder. Dunno. Even when I'm that upset I manage to stick to the issue, no name calling, fight fair, etc.

I wouldn't worry about it.

Kari

suki44883

If your son refuses to communicate with his brother, that is his problem. You shouldn't be used as an intermediary in these situations. Surely the brother isn't the only person who could have helped your son move whatever needed moving. In any case, if he's not willing to talk to his brother directly, he has no one to blame but himself if things get screwed up. You have nothing to feel bad about.

outtolunch

Consider not doing what these two brothers can do for themselves. Don't put yourself into the position of being used as an intermediary. That's the part of this that you control. The rest is up to the brothers to work out, or not.

Kindeyes

Don't shoot the messenger. You got shot. I hate it when that happens.

This is a great example of why it is called a family disease. I've been in these situations too and it leaves us feeling like poop. The A doesn't feel like poop. The "shooter" doesn't feel like poop. WE end up feeling like poop.

The only way to stop it is to refuse the play the game.

In normal situations with "normal" people, we can pass a message on and not be held accountable for the response from the other party. When there's an A (or SIBLINGS) involved, there's nothing normal about it.

I'm sorry your day got pooped on.

gentle hugs

PS - I'm really enjoying the other post you started! Famous Last Words.....priceless.

duet_4-8

Absolutely right. I told big bro that. Not doing it anymore. Also told him that I would not talk to him when he was yelling, and that how I (and his father) choose to deal with his brother's problems is none of his concern.

Still feeling kind of poopy tho....

cece1960

Well getting caught offguard and in the middle is a difficult place to be, for sure.

I agree...let them handle their relationship. I find that while I can have thoughts about my AS, I have little tolerance for others chiming in. My "normal" kids have on occassion, used the AS as a backboard to get what they want, or to justify thier own anger. I no longer stand for it and they know it. They're all adults, and can handle their own relationships, and if they are willing to put me in the middle, well shame on them.

AS discussions are off the table in my home.

And you know how they know that? Because I lost it on them just like you did.

newnormal4me

Cut yourself some slack and know that you love them both and you were trying to be peacemaker! If you are feeling bad about your part, i.e. the comments about watching your grandkids, then let your older son know you're sorry about that comment and move on.

I am one of four fiesty sisters, lol! I am a middle child and have been in the middle of way more skirmishes than I desire. I learned to listen to the ranter, then not respondto any of it and simply tell her to go to the other one and work it out; and that there was nothing I could do to resolve it. Once I started doing that, I quit getting sucked into stupid arguments and got some peace! Now none of my sister's are A's, so it's different, but not so much. Siblings can be ultrsensitive about each other, it's normal. Sounds like your older son got caught up in the moment and it went downhill from there.

I can imagine that having an addicted sibling can just intensify so much more between siblings. Has your older son ever sought help RE his brother? Just a thought.

****{HUGS}}}

duet_4-8

No, because he unfortunately is still of the opinion that he doesn't have a problem and it is all his brother/father/me. It's called codependency DUH but he is still living in the land of denial.