What is wrong with me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
What is wrong with me?
It has been almost a week since I moved away from my XABF. I did not give him my forwarding address and have changed my phone number.
I should be feeling stronger, but instead I feel sad and lonely and want to fill this void with someone else who isn't much better than him.
What is wrong with me?
I should be feeling stronger, but instead I feel sad and lonely and want to fill this void with someone else who isn't much better than him.
What is wrong with me?
Behind the Red Door
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by groybin 
It has been almost a week since I moved away from my XABF. I did not give him my forwarding address and have changed my phone number.
I should be feeling stronger, but instead I feel sad and lonely and want to fill this void with someone else who isn't much better than him.
What is wrong with me?
I should be feeling stronger, but instead I feel sad and lonely and want to fill this void with someone else who isn't much better than him.
What is wrong with me?
I have this (hypothetical) shelf that I keep things on. It's kind of like a hope chest. It's where I put my hobbies and dreams while I'm busy with life. When I have quiet times, I go the shelf and pick up something that has been collecting dust since I last played with it, read it, researched it, etc.
Reach inside yourself and find something meaningful that you've put off doing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
Originally Posted by Live
I certainly wouldn't expect myself to get over a broken relationship in a mere one week's time.
I kept a journal with sporadic entries over the past year, and just reading over it makes me incredibly sad.
We had troubles from day 1 it never got much better and ANY progress that we began to make was ruined by a relapse into drinking.
I was so incredibly unhappy when we connected last year and was facing tremendous changes in my life at that time (separating from my spouse of 20 years). I desperately needed someone to hold onto and he "fit the bill" when he contacted me out of loneliness. We were 2 miserable people looking for an escape.
Instead of taking the time to process my separation from my spouse, I immediately went from one bad relationship to another with alcohol added into the mix. So now I am faced with the loss of both relationships.
I have no one to "run to" no one to "quickly make it better" no one to "help distract me"
I have got to be strong and deal with it here and now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
My initial reaction was to chuckle to myself about how damned indignant we get when we think they have gotten over us quickly.
The heart has it's own time and anyone who rushes me does me no favor.
I have a feeling you will be glad that you kept a journal.
hugs
The heart has it's own time and anyone who rushes me does me no favor.
I have a feeling you will be glad that you kept a journal.
hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Originally Posted by Still Waters
I plan on taking a year off from relationships for every day I was married to my abusive AH. 
so I think I won't bother for the foreseeable future, and I am very, very, happy with that decision.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
Very important not to repeat - no new guys - you are too fragile right now.
Start loving yourself - it's sounds corny - but if you learn to be comfortable in your own silence you won't NEED anyone else.
Take this time to enrich your life.
You can do this!!
Start loving yourself - it's sounds corny - but if you learn to be comfortable in your own silence you won't NEED anyone else.
Take this time to enrich your life.
You can do this!!
Behind the Red Door
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
I think one of the biggest, most overlooked issues with relationships is that people are wired to have them, that society, by it's actions, show that we're supposed to be in them. We don't have to be in a relationship to be happy, and it's best if we're already happy when we go into one.
Another problem is that people equate being alone with loneliness, not to say that one can't be lonely when alone, but if you are then you're probably lonely in a crowded room, too.
The best way to not be alone, is to get involved in something that you enjoy doing.
Another problem is that people equate being alone with loneliness, not to say that one can't be lonely when alone, but if you are then you're probably lonely in a crowded room, too.
The best way to not be alone, is to get involved in something that you enjoy doing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
how you doing today, groybin?
you are grieving. give yourself permission to do so.
grief takes a toll on us. we may be extra tired because of the energy it takes out of us. your grief may be complicated by other factors, like perhaps you went into the relationship trying to get unmet needs met that were hanging from the marriage.
be gentle with yourself. consider seeking healing from working with a professional, or check out "the grief club" or other self-help book.
you are grieving. give yourself permission to do so.
grief takes a toll on us. we may be extra tired because of the energy it takes out of us. your grief may be complicated by other factors, like perhaps you went into the relationship trying to get unmet needs met that were hanging from the marriage.
be gentle with yourself. consider seeking healing from working with a professional, or check out "the grief club" or other self-help book.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Kansas for now
Posts: 100
The trouble with grieving is that you don't WANT to do something you enjoy because you don't enjoy anything anymore. That's why I went to Al-Anon - one more try!- because I am extremely alone and far from family (not that they aren't fairly fatal). Even though I knew how to combat depression (eat, sleep, exercise) I just couldn't. I just thank God, it was a great Al-Anon group. Equilibrium restored --- most of the time. This forum has been a real revelation to me, too. I had no idea so many of us were going through such similar agonies. They say you shouldn't tell a depressed person to "cheer up" -- but I tell myself, "Cheer up, Daybreak," all the time and it seems to help. So I won't tell you to cheer up, Groybin, but maybe a loving nudge to yourself would help you, too.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by groybin
It has been almost a week since I moved away from my XABF. I did not give him my forwarding address and have changed my phone number.
I should be feeling stronger, but instead I feel sad and lonely and want to fill this void with someone else who isn't much better than him.
What is wrong with me?
I should be feeling stronger, but instead I feel sad and lonely and want to fill this void with someone else who isn't much better than him.
What is wrong with me?
Misery loves Company and Like attracts Like. So, when you are not taking care of yourself, you will attract and be attracted to people who are not taking care of themselves. Likewise, when we work on ourselves (go to therapy, work a program, pursue our education, work on our spiritual life, work on our physical health, etc), we attract those people who are also trying to grow and mature and be healthy.
It is hard to be good to ourselves. I don't know why. There's nothing wrong with you, it's like a habit you can change but you have to find the motivation to change and to move.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
[QUOTE=ChrrisT;2684358]Very important not to repeat - no new guys - you are too fragile right now.
Start loving yourself - it's sounds corny - but if you learn to be comfortable in your own silence you won't NEED anyone else.
[QUOTE]
Thanks ChrrisT...good advice. I went and deleted the phone numbers of people who I know deep inside are not what I want or need. Now, when I am feeling low, I won't be tempted to reach out to them.
Start loving yourself - it's sounds corny - but if you learn to be comfortable in your own silence you won't NEED anyone else.
[QUOTE]
Thanks ChrrisT...good advice. I went and deleted the phone numbers of people who I know deep inside are not what I want or need. Now, when I am feeling low, I won't be tempted to reach out to them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
how you doing today, groybin?
you are grieving. give yourself permission to do so.
grief takes a toll on us. we may be extra tired because of the energy it takes out of us. your grief may be complicated by other factors, like perhaps you went into the relationship trying to get unmet needs met that were hanging from the marriage.
be gentle with yourself. consider seeking healing from working with a professional, or check out "the grief club" or other self-help book.
you are grieving. give yourself permission to do so.
grief takes a toll on us. we may be extra tired because of the energy it takes out of us. your grief may be complicated by other factors, like perhaps you went into the relationship trying to get unmet needs met that were hanging from the marriage.
be gentle with yourself. consider seeking healing from working with a professional, or check out "the grief club" or other self-help book.
I have an appt to see my therapist next week. I have been reading Melody Beattie's book and journaling too.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Modern movies, songs and TV programs show people jumping from relationship to relationship with apparently little damage to their hearts, minds or emotions. But real life is not like that.
Sometimes you just need to mourn it for a while. Don't wallow in it or get stuck in it - but its ok to be sad for a while.
Sometimes you just need to mourn it for a while. Don't wallow in it or get stuck in it - but its ok to be sad for a while.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
Originally Posted by Live
That was a very strong thing to do! Awesome!
It was done in a split second moment, if I had thought about just a little bit longer, I would have talked myself out of it.
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