Fail :(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 176
Fail :(
Yesterday I posted about feeling very hAlt, and having to go to work. I went to work. Right off my brother started in on me... "Rory, don't you want a drink? You know you want one, have a drink. You know you're just gonna cave anyway, it's in your blood, blah blah drink blah vodka blah gin" It was very annoying. He's a real @ss like that. There was one time I had 8 days and we went to olive garden and he wouldn't take me home unless I had a glass of wine. But anyway, I had a tonic and lime sitting on the server station and when my back was turned that little sh** poured alcohol in it, I'm not sure what kind, not that it matters. I took 2 big swallows before I realized it. I was livid. The general consensus is that I overreacted, which was even more infuriating, especially since I felt like slugging him and in all actuality I didn't even raise my voice. I poured the drink out. And then promptly (shamefully) made another. FAIL. I ended up going out after work and having a couple drinks.
I feel like all I do here is whine and make excuses, so I might as well go ahead with some more... no one in my real life is supportive of my recovery. NO ONE. Everyone thinks it's a big joke. No one thinks I have a problem and my (attempted) sobriety seems to actually offend some people. I feel like a pariah, a joke.
Obviously I am avoiding my brother as much as possible and will not be around him outside of work. And yes, I will be sniffing my drinks now. I also plan on going to more meetings and trying to meet new, likeminded people.
I feel pretty disgusted with myself, my general weakness. I know in the end it's no ones fault I drank but my own. I chose to pour that drink after I dumped the surprise drink. I know if I really really didn't want that drink, no one could have made me pour it
I wonder if I'm really "ready" to quit. I don't even know what that means... being "ready". I want to quit, isn't that enough? Yes, part of me wants to drink, but isn't that what the addict in you always wants? Ready or not, I'm trying again. M'fing Day 1. Again.
I feel like all I do here is whine and make excuses, so I might as well go ahead with some more... no one in my real life is supportive of my recovery. NO ONE. Everyone thinks it's a big joke. No one thinks I have a problem and my (attempted) sobriety seems to actually offend some people. I feel like a pariah, a joke.
Obviously I am avoiding my brother as much as possible and will not be around him outside of work. And yes, I will be sniffing my drinks now. I also plan on going to more meetings and trying to meet new, likeminded people.
I feel pretty disgusted with myself, my general weakness. I know in the end it's no ones fault I drank but my own. I chose to pour that drink after I dumped the surprise drink. I know if I really really didn't want that drink, no one could have made me pour it
I wonder if I'm really "ready" to quit. I don't even know what that means... being "ready". I want to quit, isn't that enough? Yes, part of me wants to drink, but isn't that what the addict in you always wants? Ready or not, I'm trying again. M'fing Day 1. Again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Between Serenity and Despair
Posts: 522
Ugh. Well, here's the thing: Sobriety isn't like opportunity. It doesn't only knock once. So you've still got the option.
It took two quits for me. I quit November 1, 2007. I did okay for a couple of weeks and was starting to get my sea legs. But, then, my parents came for a visit, and my dad brought me a bottle of Norwegian liquor. I drank it down and started all over. The thing is, I had a little experience with not being drunk and I was miserable. It was the holidays, and I knew quitting right in the big middle of them would be hard, especially being as we had a parade of house guests (all of whom drink). So I made myself a promise that I'd quit January 1, 2008. I have stayed with it. I think I needed that first failed quit to realize how much better I felt when I didn't drink. Maybe I needed it to see the light, too. I don't know.
I didn't have any support in real life or online when I quit drinking. It's a hard way to leave the party. Didn't you mention going to an AA meeting the other day? If that helped, perhaps you could try to find one this weekend. SR has helped me realize how much it helps to be around other drunks and to talk to other drunks. Even if it isn't face to face.
As for your brother . . . gee whiz. Do you think you can have a serious talk with him? Or is his poo-pooing just going to continue? I think this is one of those times making a stink is warranted. Don't cut him any slack.
I understand needing the money generated from your job, so I won't dare say, "Quit your job. Quit it now!" However, do you think you can start looking next week while you're off? If not, I understand. We each have our lot in life.
Yeah, I know what you mean. I've taken one surprise drink since I quit. My truck has those double drink holders. I had a Topo Chico and my husband had a beer. (Yes, I know you're not supposed to be drinking in the car, but I can't change what he does.) For some stupid reason, he had put his beer in my drink slot. I was driving, and, without looking, I grabbed his beer a took a big swig. Now, since we were sitting in the truck, I didn't spew it everywhere, but I wanted to. I griped at him for doing something so stupid and never took another drink. The experience shook me to the bone, even though one swig of beer didn't make me drunk and certainly didn't make me want another one.
The thing is, nobody quits for you. You have to make the quit for yourself. It's hard. It sucks. And other people just don't understand. Even in the midst of all this, you have to make the quit happen if you want it.
Yep. The addict will holler and climb the walls. It'll tell you all sorts of lies about how you weren't that bad when you drank. I think you have to find the part of yourself that wants to quit badly enough to suffer through all that. You have to find the positives that being quit puts into your life. And sometimes you have to look real dang hard for those.
You can do it. I believe in you.
It took two quits for me. I quit November 1, 2007. I did okay for a couple of weeks and was starting to get my sea legs. But, then, my parents came for a visit, and my dad brought me a bottle of Norwegian liquor. I drank it down and started all over. The thing is, I had a little experience with not being drunk and I was miserable. It was the holidays, and I knew quitting right in the big middle of them would be hard, especially being as we had a parade of house guests (all of whom drink). So I made myself a promise that I'd quit January 1, 2008. I have stayed with it. I think I needed that first failed quit to realize how much better I felt when I didn't drink. Maybe I needed it to see the light, too. I don't know.
Originally Posted by Aurora80
no one in my real life is supportive of my recovery. NO ONE. Everyone thinks it's a big joke. No one thinks I have a problem and my (attempted) sobriety seems to actually offend some people. I feel like a pariah, a joke.
As for your brother . . . gee whiz. Do you think you can have a serious talk with him? Or is his poo-pooing just going to continue? I think this is one of those times making a stink is warranted. Don't cut him any slack.
I understand needing the money generated from your job, so I won't dare say, "Quit your job. Quit it now!" However, do you think you can start looking next week while you're off? If not, I understand. We each have our lot in life.
I feel pretty disgusted with myself, my general weakness. I know in the end it's no ones fault I drank but my own. I chose to pour that drink after I dumped the surprise drink. I know if I really really didn't want that drink, no one could have made me pour it
The thing is, nobody quits for you. You have to make the quit for yourself. It's hard. It sucks. And other people just don't understand. Even in the midst of all this, you have to make the quit happen if you want it.
Originally Posted by Aurora80
I wonder if I'm really "ready" to quit. I don't even know what that means... being "ready". I want to quit, isn't that enough? Yes, part of me wants to drink, but isn't that what the addict in you always wants?
Originally Posted by Aurora80
Ready or not, I'm trying again. M'fing Day 1. Again.
You can do it. I believe in you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Your brother was an @sshole, but you can't control his behavior, just your own. And on that same idea, your recovery amongst your family and friends will be a solo trip... it's that way even for people that have family and friends who don't actively sabotage their recovery.
Well lot's of practical stuff... watch your drink, blah, blah, HALT... which you are already using... If you are inclined towards AA... get to a meeting, read the book, get a sponsor and a support group... maybe you can get one of them to take your brother out back
.... just kidding.
Keep coming back !
Mark
Well lot's of practical stuff... watch your drink, blah, blah, HALT... which you are already using... If you are inclined towards AA... get to a meeting, read the book, get a sponsor and a support group... maybe you can get one of them to take your brother out back
.... just kidding.Keep coming back !
Mark
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
So, if no one supports you, don't talk about it.
That's how it was with me, and I didn't say a word to anybody. I just did it. Then people see the change.
I think you said you needed the job and couldn't find anything else? My advice would be to look really hard for something else. I know I never could have gotten sober in a drinking environment.
That's how it was with me, and I didn't say a word to anybody. I just did it. Then people see the change.
I think you said you needed the job and couldn't find anything else? My advice would be to look really hard for something else. I know I never could have gotten sober in a drinking environment.
Star Wars geek!
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Warner Robins, Georgia
Posts: 10
You know man, if your Bro will not be supportive and is even pushing you to have a drink then well, don't hang out around him. Don't go to dinner with him and so on. I am a opiate addict and my brother is too and even more then that. So, I don't hang out with him. Sure, I'll talk to him on the phone or computer. If he starts in I can always hang up. I am not even on day one of being clean yet but, I do understand that making a change in the people we surround ourselves with is a very important step. Even if they are family. Church is a great place to meet new people that are supportive and caring. Instead of sitting at the bar at a restaurant sit at a table far away from that area.You can hang out at the park or go to Baseball games (even Little League) to meet new people. I would treat things (and people) related to alcohol as if they have the plague! No one wants the plague! I know it is easier said then done. But changing the scenery and the company will help. That, for me, was one of the things that helped me to notice that I do have a problem. Just some thoughts for what ever it is worth.
God bless!
God bless!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
I'm sorry, Aurora. Quitting drinking is hard enough but when you are around people who purposely sabotage your efforts, it's nearly impossible. Would your brother hand a peanut butter sandwich to someone with an allergy to peanuts? What he did was unconscionable.
It is often necessary that we change those we associate with, especially if they are not supportive of our efforts. True, it was you who made that drink and then chose to go out drinking afterward, but most times, once we get a taste of alcohol, we are no longer thinking clearly.
You explained in your other thread about why you work in the type job you do and I understand that. But there must be other places where you don't have someone actively encouraging you to drink.
Hang in there and do your best to stay strong. I really think I'd do my best to find a workplace that doesn't allow drinking or at the very least, doesn't have people there who encourage it.
It is often necessary that we change those we associate with, especially if they are not supportive of our efforts. True, it was you who made that drink and then chose to go out drinking afterward, but most times, once we get a taste of alcohol, we are no longer thinking clearly.
You explained in your other thread about why you work in the type job you do and I understand that. But there must be other places where you don't have someone actively encouraging you to drink.
Hang in there and do your best to stay strong. I really think I'd do my best to find a workplace that doesn't allow drinking or at the very least, doesn't have people there who encourage it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Has your brother always been abusive to you? He SHOULD be fired, or even arrested (no, I'm not kidding--spiking someone's food or drink is a criminal offense in many places).
Yes, it WAS your choice to pour yourself a drink and go out after work for more, but you don't need morons like your brother deliberately sabotaging you. We all have to learn to deal with insensitive people, but this goes beyond mere insensitivity.
If you don't feel you can complain to your boss about his behavior at work, I'd seriously consider looking for another job.
This would be a good time for you to get a sponsor, if you don't have one. Someone like that might be able to help you strategize and more effectively cope with the unsupportive people in your life.
Yes, it WAS your choice to pour yourself a drink and go out after work for more, but you don't need morons like your brother deliberately sabotaging you. We all have to learn to deal with insensitive people, but this goes beyond mere insensitivity.
If you don't feel you can complain to your boss about his behavior at work, I'd seriously consider looking for another job.
This would be a good time for you to get a sponsor, if you don't have one. Someone like that might be able to help you strategize and more effectively cope with the unsupportive people in your life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Home is where my cat is...
Posts: 228
I'm having to say goodbye to my mom for awhile. Not because she drinks or encourages me to BUT because she does such a number on my head and always has. Its such an unhealthy relationship and I find it was impossible to have the confidence in myself to do this while still interacting with her. Sooo bye bye mom! for now at least. And I don't feel once ounce of guilt about it because this is way too important and long over due.
I encourage you to do whatever it takes to make this change in your life so you can actually have a change in your life. Only you can make it all happen. Also, remember to leave the guilt behind. You have nothing to feel guilty about no matter what you have done. Move forward and be strong!
I encourage you to do whatever it takes to make this change in your life so you can actually have a change in your life. Only you can make it all happen. Also, remember to leave the guilt behind. You have nothing to feel guilty about no matter what you have done. Move forward and be strong!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Aurora, glad you posted. You can't control others and you can't let anyone be the excuse to drink. It is hard not having support. I just more or less shut everyone out (for fear of being tempted or triggered) and kept going.
Being ready is all on you. I knew when I was ready because I had destroyed my life and almost died. I couldn't live or breath anymore existing that way. Guess that is why I started off so strong and with the exception of the hellish detox and handling lifes ups and downs....I won't drink ever again.
Guess I couldn't take anymore of the self inflicted pain of drinking and watching those who care about me be devastated by actions. I did it for me.
Hope you get to that higher place. You have the desire....you just need to be committed to a new life.
All the best!
The getting sober
Being ready is all on you. I knew when I was ready because I had destroyed my life and almost died. I couldn't live or breath anymore existing that way. Guess that is why I started off so strong and with the exception of the hellish detox and handling lifes ups and downs....I won't drink ever again.
Guess I couldn't take anymore of the self inflicted pain of drinking and watching those who care about me be devastated by actions. I did it for me.
Hope you get to that higher place. You have the desire....you just need to be committed to a new life.
All the best!
The getting sober
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
Hi Aurora....I think I'm just about to offer your a bunch of cliches<G>. Of course, generally speaking, something becomes a cliche because it has been repeated over and over again...usually because it's true.
When I didn't put my recovery first, in order to accomodate job/family/friends....I lost all of them when I continued to drink. I learned that my addiction is the only thing in my life that was likely to drive me to jails, instutitutions and death. THEN...how important is family? Jobs? etc.
I had to not only give up all my old ideas, but my associations as well. Although I was fortunate that my family supported my sobriety, there were all kinds of underlying, secret sabotages that I encountered, because the family system will AWAYS want to sustain the established dynamic...meaning....you are the alcoholic and you are not supposed to get sober. In fact, at two years sober my mother actually offered me a beer!!! Needless to say, this is usally unrecognized and unintentional...something well below the level of consciousness...but in your case.....well let me just say that I put 3,000 miles between me and my "loving and supportive" family for the first three years of my sobriety. I think families can be absolutely the most dangerous territory of all....a veritable minefield of secrets, entanglements, hidden emotions, anger and resentments. If they're not sabotaging, they're enabling, or "loving you to death."
I went back to school to learn a new profession, and worked part time at (ugh) telemarketing while going to school at night. Life kind of sukked for a while. But it really did get better...and better....and better.
I went to daily AA meetings for my first six months and I followed the advice to "get a commitment" (make coffee, set up, greeting others, etc) and that enabled me to meet and acquire a whole new group of friends and associates very quickly. I didn't miss the old ones, and I suspect they didn't miss me much either. I got a sponsor who also introduced me to lots of sober people, many of whom are still my friends.
I may not be able to choose my family, but I can certainly choose whether or not to subject myself to abusive behavior....family or not.
Today I am still distant from my family, but it's not out of any threats to my recovery...it's just that I prefer to spend time with like-minded people, and my family hasn't a clue about how my mind works....why would they? I still attend AA, mostly because that's where my real friends tend to be. and these days I actually appreciate the warmth and affection of my family whenever I am around them. They love me as best they can.
blessings
zenbear
When I didn't put my recovery first, in order to accomodate job/family/friends....I lost all of them when I continued to drink. I learned that my addiction is the only thing in my life that was likely to drive me to jails, instutitutions and death. THEN...how important is family? Jobs? etc.
I had to not only give up all my old ideas, but my associations as well. Although I was fortunate that my family supported my sobriety, there were all kinds of underlying, secret sabotages that I encountered, because the family system will AWAYS want to sustain the established dynamic...meaning....you are the alcoholic and you are not supposed to get sober. In fact, at two years sober my mother actually offered me a beer!!! Needless to say, this is usally unrecognized and unintentional...something well below the level of consciousness...but in your case.....well let me just say that I put 3,000 miles between me and my "loving and supportive" family for the first three years of my sobriety. I think families can be absolutely the most dangerous territory of all....a veritable minefield of secrets, entanglements, hidden emotions, anger and resentments. If they're not sabotaging, they're enabling, or "loving you to death."
I went back to school to learn a new profession, and worked part time at (ugh) telemarketing while going to school at night. Life kind of sukked for a while. But it really did get better...and better....and better.
I went to daily AA meetings for my first six months and I followed the advice to "get a commitment" (make coffee, set up, greeting others, etc) and that enabled me to meet and acquire a whole new group of friends and associates very quickly. I didn't miss the old ones, and I suspect they didn't miss me much either. I got a sponsor who also introduced me to lots of sober people, many of whom are still my friends.
I may not be able to choose my family, but I can certainly choose whether or not to subject myself to abusive behavior....family or not.
Today I am still distant from my family, but it's not out of any threats to my recovery...it's just that I prefer to spend time with like-minded people, and my family hasn't a clue about how my mind works....why would they? I still attend AA, mostly because that's where my real friends tend to be. and these days I actually appreciate the warmth and affection of my family whenever I am around them. They love me as best they can.
blessings
zenbear
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hey Aurora, I think Lexie has a really good point about your brother, he is being Abusive to you.
You've gotten great advicd, all I want to ad is look really hard for a new job.
I have faith in you, you can do this!
You've gotten great advicd, all I want to ad is look really hard for a new job.
I have faith in you, you can do this!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Lowell
Posts: 345
Aurora, a lot of good advice here and very good replies. I really don't have anything to add to help solve unacceptable behavior on your brothers part. And no family to speak of to support you.
What inspires me about yourself, and others here like you who have slipped, you all get right back on the bike and decide to continue forward. I've never seen anything like it before I got to this forum and it gives me those goose bump feelings. I really like it.
So keep coming and do what ever it takes to try to change things that you can.
Keep you in my prayers, God bless.
Harry
What inspires me about yourself, and others here like you who have slipped, you all get right back on the bike and decide to continue forward. I've never seen anything like it before I got to this forum and it gives me those goose bump feelings. I really like it.
So keep coming and do what ever it takes to try to change things that you can.
Keep you in my prayers, God bless.
Harry
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 176
Originally Posted by Mark75 
get a sponsor and a support group... maybe you can get one of them to take your brother out back .... just kidding.
Keep coming back !
Mark
.... just kidding.Keep coming back !
Mark
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hey Aurora,
Oops, a slip huh, well, I'm glad you're back.
Sounds like your bro is running on fear, he's losing someone who drank with him, and now that you're changing, (and you are changing), then maybe he'll have to look into his own problems without you there to make it all seem alright. I have four brothers, so I know the drill. My brothers still can't believe I'm actually trying to stop this insanity, so I steer clear of them most of the time.
Recently I've decided to really give sobriety a chance in my life.... for me. I thought I had done that before, but I was still trying to please others, look "good" in their eyes, and was even drinking occasionally to show them I could "handle" it. I'd awake the next morning alone; they weren't there to see the bloodshot eyes, to hear the hacking cough, to know the real misery inside. They didn't care. No one called to ask if I was ok, they were own their own path and I was just an occasional drunk with them. They are still out there and always will be.
But the real question is, can we build a new life without alcohol? I know for sure that I can't build a new life with alcohol, so the options are limited. We either build a new life without alcohol or continue the same old, same old till it eventually drives us up a wall, or kills us. Once we make this decision, it requires that we start that very day making changes that protect our decision, even if that's going for treatment, quitting a job, or telling our family to mind their own business.
You deserve a new life, and your bro needs a size 12 up the backside. hang in there.
Oops, a slip huh, well, I'm glad you're back.
Sounds like your bro is running on fear, he's losing someone who drank with him, and now that you're changing, (and you are changing), then maybe he'll have to look into his own problems without you there to make it all seem alright. I have four brothers, so I know the drill. My brothers still can't believe I'm actually trying to stop this insanity, so I steer clear of them most of the time.
Recently I've decided to really give sobriety a chance in my life.... for me. I thought I had done that before, but I was still trying to please others, look "good" in their eyes, and was even drinking occasionally to show them I could "handle" it. I'd awake the next morning alone; they weren't there to see the bloodshot eyes, to hear the hacking cough, to know the real misery inside. They didn't care. No one called to ask if I was ok, they were own their own path and I was just an occasional drunk with them. They are still out there and always will be.
But the real question is, can we build a new life without alcohol? I know for sure that I can't build a new life with alcohol, so the options are limited. We either build a new life without alcohol or continue the same old, same old till it eventually drives us up a wall, or kills us. Once we make this decision, it requires that we start that very day making changes that protect our decision, even if that's going for treatment, quitting a job, or telling our family to mind their own business.
You deserve a new life, and your bro needs a size 12 up the backside. hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 587
Hi, take it as a learning and continue on. You know for ourself what is best, independent what others say. Only you!!!! can take care and ensure you!!!! get what you need. Whetever it will take. So dust yourself of and start again.
Take it as a lesson.
Take it as a lesson.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Many of us had to start again Aurora...glad you're back.
I know in my case I had to cut some folks loose to make it - it's hard enough dealing with our drinking problems without dealing with someone else's issues too - some I couldn't cut loose physically cos they were family, but I did it mentally.
This is your life and your future - noone elses.
D
I know in my case I had to cut some folks loose to make it - it's hard enough dealing with our drinking problems without dealing with someone else's issues too - some I couldn't cut loose physically cos they were family, but I did it mentally.
This is your life and your future - noone elses.
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Aurora, I must of quit at least 30+ times, at one point I stopped counting all the one day sober starts. Tomorrow is 4 weeks for me, which doesn't sound like a lot unless you spent the last 5 years living in my skin:-)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: England
Posts: 137
Am enraged at your Brother for his insenstive attitude and spiking your drink like that, teach him a lesson.
Make him a "nice drink" after taking a leak in it, then when he has drunk it tell him "I pee'd in that jerk" see how he likes it.
Seriously though life must be tough with his attitude around you all the time cant think of a solution except to change your job and avoid him altogether until he grows up.
You do have people who support your decision to stop drinking, lots of them, all of us on here do. Keep talking to us hun,
Make him a "nice drink" after taking a leak in it, then when he has drunk it tell him "I pee'd in that jerk" see how he likes it.
Seriously though life must be tough with his attitude around you all the time cant think of a solution except to change your job and avoid him altogether until he grows up.
You do have people who support your decision to stop drinking, lots of them, all of us on here do. Keep talking to us hun,
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
