firestorm090

I've been thinking about the slipups I've had since treatment and one sure thing seems to set up a relapse, I stop answering my phone. I cut off communication with those who are helping me stay out of the bars. I begin to isolate myself, stop going to meetings, stop coming to SR, stop reading recovery material, stop working the steps, and then a short time later I inevitably end up drunk. I've read all of the replies to my inquiries the past couple days, as well as other threads, and I keep seeing the word "action" in the responses of those who seem to be relatively content staying sober. Action seems to be the crux of a spiritual program, as I'm beginning to understand it. I've read this many times before, but it is only now beginning to make sense. It's like if we're not doing something proactive toward recovery, then we will slip back into our old ways, because we are always in motion, and we must constantly be vigilant in ensuring we don't steer off course and hit a tree or drop off a cliff.

When I stop answering my phone, I'm almost certainly cutting off my lifeline, and I end up here wondering just what the h*ll I'm doing. Putting 2 & 2 together sometimes makes me feel like I haven't really learned much at all.

keithj

Cause or effect, Firestorm? Are those things the cause of your relapse, or are they the effect of not being recovered? Are those things the effect of still having an alcoholic mind, that usually and eventually leads to the dis-engagement you describe, and the eventual relapse you experience?

An old sponsor of mine described it like roller skating uphill. If I'm not putting effort into moving upward (making spiritual progress), then I'm slipping back downhill. Funny thing is, the view looks the same until I slam into the bottom.

LaFemme

Sounds kind of like depression to me (at least from my personal experience)...have you ever done any CBT?

firestorm090

Thanks keithj,

I don't know whether it's the cause or the effect, however I do know that I'm not "recovered" or I wouldn't be here.

Also, I know I've never really made much progress in the "spiritual" program, although I've tried to work the steps, made amends, prayed till I was blue in the face, asked to be relieved of the obsession to drink, tried to work with others although I have never felt nor claimed that I have anything like a solution to this problem. I have struggled with alcohol all of my adult life and know that I can't do this alone, which is why I keep coming here, I know that I'm only a breath away from a drink if I don't find some way to stop this insane way of saying to h*ll with life and grabbing a bottle of booze. Meetings help, staying connected helps, but I wouldn't recognize a "spiritual awakening" if it walked up and slapped me across the face. I envy those that have found this or experienced this in their lives, but it has not happened to me yet. So for now I'll keep trying to stay connected, because without that lifeline, I know beyond doubt that I will die drunk and alone.

penny74

Yeah.. closing the curtains, not opening the door, not picking up the phone.. only going out for to buy booze as quick as possible..sounds very familiar.

CarolD

FS.....
I'm sorry you returned to drinking
I too had to make fresh starts.
I'm glad you are here again.

I strongly suggest you get back to basic AA
and begin Step work again.
Start reading your BB for direction....

Forward we go...side by side

RobbyRobot

Right on, firestorm. Now take that thinking and nourish it into action by coming to understand your need for a Higher Power of your own understanding. Not some one elses that you swallow and later have to spit out because its not for you. Have and hold a simple understanding of your own. That coming to an understanding is in itself a spiritual action. Spiritual actions happen from the inside out. They will have a outward action soon enough. Stay with it! It all starts within ourselves. You are on the correct path to living a good sober life with all that investigative thinking on spiritual needs and actions.

RR

littlefish

Check your big book and look at the appendices section.

I have version 4 and there is a special appendix (II) about the alternative to the spiritual awakening.

See, I also couldn't see myself having a dramatic spiritual awakening. I am open to the idea, but I don't know if it will ever happen. Appendix 2 really helped me because it discusses how we can also reach a spiritual awareness through education. It states that many of us will not have a dramatic moment of awakening, rather, it will be a slow process of learning. I like that. I think that is probably going to be the shape of my journey.

A lot of the tools in AA are simple barriars to alcohol. If you plan to go to an evening meeting, or do service (so you have to show up), go to an AA convention or workshops....your chances of drinking that day are greatly reduced. If you plan to socialize with fellowship people, your chances of drinking that day are severely challenged. If you wait until the evening to call your sponsor, you probably won't drink during the day.
I did those kind of things and it works.

I relate completely to your first post. I am an isolater. I drank alone. I became incredibly isolated when I went chronic with this disease. So, when I feel myself moving in that direction, isolation, I know I am moving towards a drink.

It's no surprise there is a chapter in the big book called "into action". A great AA speaker pointed out that the chapter is not called "into thinking". My involvement with people is 10 times what it was 3 years ago. I understand now that a day without plans is a serious danger to my sobriety.

A great deal of my recovery has involved getting out of the house to meetings, making appointments, and keeping them, offering to meet people or take on committments, calling people, and essentially, staying active.

Angelic17

Firestorm, it's kind of ironic that your telephone has alot to do with your relapse. What's so similar to my son, is that every time he would relapse, he never took my calls. When his phone is off or his mail box is full, I knew my son is using. I would panic when he didn't answer my calls. I always wondered if he were dead or overdosed. After I left him a frantic message, he would call me back, and lie to me ofcourse. It was a total horror show. After reading your post you seem to understand things more clearly now.
I sure hope you keep yourself in recovery. Without recovery our lives are unmanageable and disasterous. Keep moving forward.

michelle01

I think that some of us have preconceptions, perhaps a bit skewed or affected by early exposure to religion, as to what a 'spiritual awakening' entails. To me, it was the chance to start over deep inside, to gain a new outlook, find healthier ways of 'connecting' with those around me, learn that I couldn't always control everything around me, and sometimes it was okay to 'let go'. It wasn't a flash bang or strike-me-down phenomenon. More an extended process of growth and learning, which led to a personal change. It took time and was sometimes a struggle but the obsession did lift.

It hasn't made life perfect but improved the way in which I manage it. A lot of the things which once sounded like cliches to me began to make sense for the first time ('oh yeh, that's true after all!!!')

I must admit I get a bit concerned about the overuse of 'formulas' at times. I don't know if there is a perfect formula... more a general outline of what one can do, and you need to apply the inner conviction and wherewithal.

NewMe11109

Hi Firestorm -

I too am sorry that you are struggling. I would echo what KeithJ said.

Let's look at it from a "make lemonade out of lemons" perspective ...

You just recognized that when you cut yourself off from others and isolate, you are going to drink. So, the next time you start feeling like you want to isolate yourself, go to a meeting, or come to SR, or force yourself to do something that you used to like to do that doesn't involve alcohol.

Part of recovery is learning the tools to recognize when the alcoholic brain is talking crap to us. I sometimes feel as you do and I now have the ability to recognize the feeling for what it is ... just a feeling that will pass with time. But, to help it pass in the most positive way, I get out of my own head and then try to go help someone else.

That is basically the simple message of AA -- when all else fails, go help another person who suffers.

So, you've got a new tool in your toolbox. A good learning, so don't beat yourself up about drinking. But, as you said, without action, you won't recover.

Aurora80

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