CircleInTheSea

AH has admitted to having a drinking problem and has uttered the dreaded 'alcoholic' word, which is something he wouldn't do for a long, long time. Over the past few months he has had slip ups, but is genuinely and actively trying not to drink. I have suggested AA, personal counseling/therapy, would like to go to couples therapy for help with dealing with his alcoholism (and other issues) together, etc, but he is adamant that he does not need any help. I disagree, but am I wrong to think/use the term 'recovering' alcoholic if he isn't seeking any sort of help? Last night we had a pretty nasty hours-long argument that was in no way related to his prior abuse of alcohol, but it was brought up that I should be more considerate of his moods (ie, put up with his crappy moods, not nice tones, and do what he asks immediately) since he is trying to kick this habit for the betterment of our family. That all the little things he asks me to change about myself should be easy since he is fighting this super hard, all-encompassing, moment to moment compulsive addiction and that I should be able to handle these small requests. This doesn't really sound right to me, and I can't seem to articulate why, if that makes any sense...
I have a feeling I will be posting here more often in the next few months....

Learn2Live

This doesn't sound "right" to me either and yes, what you are saying makes complete sense.

IMO, the reason why is because his just trying not to drink changes nothing. Keep reading. Try Al-Anon.

Scott1970

IMO, I quit drinking many times..I guess "recovering". But I learned that that just made me a dry drunk and did nothing to fix my problems emotionally. When I finally took the step to work the program and utilize all the tools available to me did I considered myself in recovery. It has helped me understand my shortcomings, character defects etc.. I have developed a spirituality I never had before. I am looking at things in a whole different light and am doing less "stinking thinking"

I wish I could say things were great on the homefront...but recovery is needed by the whole family. That is where Al-Anon is key.

Good Luck and God Bless

Live

pssssst.....I ADORE your avatar!

least

Someone here once said, "recovery is not drinking and feeling good about it." Sounds like your hubby isn't feeling too good about anything lately... I don't think you have to be "in" a "program" to be truly recovering, but being "in recovery" means (to me) working hard on your 'issues' and not putting the responsibility for change on the other person in the relationship. Just my two cents...

Freedom1990

I beg to differ on his "perception" of how you should be acting.

My disease is threefold-physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual.

I had to address all three areas in order to achieve sobriety and recovery.

Quitting drinking is no excuse for poor behavior, period. Your AH's sense of entitlement speaks volumes.

I've said many times, alcohol is only a symptom.

Take away the alcohol, and no work on all three areas, and you've got a miserable self-centered dry drunk.

I've had 'dry spells' myself over the years where I completely got off track, and I had a lot of amends to make to people who were around me during those times.

The good news is you have found recovery for yourself, and you can start making changes in your life like setting boundaries.

Are you attending Alanon?

CircleInTheSea

Thanks I wanted to put 'working on my recovery one stitch at a time' in my siggie line. Haven't gotten that far yet I loves me some knitting!

Thank you all for your support. Since December when I 'officially' joined, I've done lots of reading, picked up new hobbies (I'm hoping to try roller derby this fall...), distanced myself from his drinking (by trying to work detachment...), and trying not to wait for the next drinking episode.
We do not have a local Alanon (I live in a very rural area), however, one of my co-workers is heavily involved in a substance abuse recovery center in a nearby town. We talk quite a bit (her husband has now been sober for many years...) and we've discussed the possibility of starting our own Alanon group. Part of me is working on a backup plan (stashing funds, paying off debt, making sure I have the items needed should we find ourselves in the situation of divorce...).

AlwaysGrowing

Um.. I would say... Are you driving just siiting in a car?

Jadmack25

I got that sort of "request" some years and many binges ago, and fell for it all...hook, line and sinker. It wears very thin after a few periods of dodging the cr*p, and I finally decided this was HIS disease, his recovery and his problem and I was not doing anymore dodging.

I told him that I detested unpleasant behavior when he was drunk and it was not on to cop other rubbish when he was sober, so sort it or go elsewhere and take it out on someone else. Bad manners and behavior are not on my agenda at any time.

God bless

kelsh

Hi Knitting a stitch in time.....

When I quit smoking I worked jigsaw puzzles at the kitchen table to keep my hands busy. I had a great need to quit but it was much harder than when I quit drinking.

Now your question...this is just about myself & what I am doing to keep my Sobriety in tact.

The first year I quit drinking I went to AA every evening & also to the two noon meetings. One of these was a Women's Meeting.

The second year of my recovery I enrolled in college to get my BA Degree in Psychology. I already had the first two years done. I worked half days, went to classes late afternoon & early evenings, & attended three AA Meetings a week. I kept this schedule for two more years & then got a job at Mental Health & worked two more years part time & then was promoted to a Geriatric Mental Health Counselor.

When I worked full time I still went to at least three meetings a week & kept up with my now 15 year old youngest daughter...a hand full I might say since she had Juvenile Diabetes, PTSD, & Depression....so lots of mood changes but we survived it.

As I got more into my job & people knew where I worked I had problems with one elderly member talking to the group about what I did to the people I worked with & he didn't have a clue even what my job invoved.

And since I, too, live in a small rural community, many people all go to all of the meetings...actually they are sober & they use AA as their social life.

So when I found Sober Recovery on the Internet I started coming here plus did my meditations, steps, & all that it took to keep myself sober at home & it is still working.


kelsh

FarawayFromCars

Sounds just like my alcoholic sister. She says she is staying sober, but she is not in a recovery program and is still actively drinking. What she says and what she does are two different things. And I think that goes for us, too, those who are close to the alcoholic--we can say what we feel / need / want / etc., but it is what we do that counts (just as it is for them). So if you are not happy with his perceived recovery, what can you do to change the situation so YOU are not affected by his rules?
Wishing you hugs and good thoughts...hang in there....

p.s. like your avatar....are you a knitter? I'm a knitter, too!

ChrrisT

Admitting he's an alcoholic is not the first step in recovery. IMO It's just license to drink more. " I drink cause I'm an alcoholic!!"

QUOTE]but he is adamant that he does not need any help.[/QUOTE]

This is what will cause you potentially years of insanity and misery.

Good luck keep posting