Teenie

I'm having a hard time deciding whether to keep in contact w/ my ex. He wants nothing to do w/ me after calling the cops on him(it was almost a reflex reaction). And i keep sending him e-mails talking about the negative things that happened because i'm just SO bitter.

@ the same time, am still subconciously clinging on and trying to keep him in my life still in hopes that i'll get that phone call from him telling me he's getting help and wants to work on things between us. In return, i get nothing but negative responses back from him telling me that I'm the liar because i denied calling on him and he apparently saw me talking to them.

I found myself looking @ his facebook today deciding whether or not to remove him from my facebook friends and just couldn't get myself to do it.

suki44883

Why not just step back and give it some time. He's angry right now, whether he has good cause to be or not. Continually bothering him with emails, etc. is only going to reinforce his anger. Instead of worrying about what he's doing or thinking, why not work on getting your own issues under control. Consider whether or not living with someone you have to call the police on is really the kind of relationship you want.

Teenie

I've asked myself that question and said that to him as well "a relationship should have to be like this" The thing is, he's gotten a new phone and refuses to give me the number or call me. I'm just scared to never see him again. He was the only one I ever spent time with. I'd lost contact w/ my friends because i know how they felt about my being w/ him due to his behavior in the past and i felt as though love was stronger than friendship so i chose him over my friends. Which is dumb.

So now I'm trying to rekindle my friendships w/ ppl i haven't seen or talked to in a long time and it's hard because I'm pretty sure they all know what i was up to.

suki44883

Well, it sounds like he has moved on and is not interested in talking. You should respect that and work on your self-esteem issues. You don't need him. You don't need anyone in your life that frightens you to the point where you feel the need to involve the police. Continue to attempt to rekindle your past friendships. Having friends to talk with will help you move forward and not place so much importance on him.

tam

teenie, sounds like your giving him mixed signals, you need to make up your mind and stick to you decision. I too did the same thing in the beginning,but Im telling you NOTHING CHANGED..I then put my boundaries in place after the decision (thank you all for your support) with not living with an addict anymore and have stuck with them fully.(and yes some days it is hard).he has called me 26 times and left messages from being angry to I love you, I have not responded to any..I have not called him or gone to his residence, NOTHING..this past sunday he called my house/cell phone approx.15 times within 1 hour, leaving 1 message in an angry manner, I need to talk to you now! I called the police, I got scared he was coming over. I dont know what he is capable of doing now. he was again instructed by the police that I do not want contact and that if he comes over he will be arrested. I truly got scared.
teenie, I dont know why you called the police, but please know that by calling them to hurt your partner or play games or get him into rehab isnt helping the people who truly need help with domestic issues.

URMYEVERYTHING

I can say speaking from the person (me) who wants to get away from the addict and wishes he would disappear, I get so pissed when he keeps crossing my boundaries and not respecting that I have asked him to stop. The next step would be for me to change my number if it gets too unbearable and I'm not able to delete and ignore his messages.

It causes nothing but more resentment and anger towards him when he doesn't respect what I'm asking for right now and confirms even further how I don't want to be with him (despite the addiction problem).

It's possible your boyfriend may feel the same way and needs some room to himself. Step back for awhile and work on you in the meantime. You will be surprised about what you find out about yourself when you sit still long enough.

Teenie

I know. And i didn't call them to play games. It was more of a relflex type of reaction because i wasn't thinking clearly. I hadn't seen that behavior from him in a long time. Flipping out on me telling me to "eff off", shoving me and wrestling my phone out of my hand telling me that I could live w/out a phone for a while and than throwing my battery down a flight of stairs. Maybe I should have just left.

Live

That is violence/abuse and you don't need that in your life. From past abuse I react reflexively and call the cops too. It is scary and I don't need that in my life ever again! That is not love. I would suggest you contact your local domestic violence center and make an appmt~they are quite wonderful at helping you sort these feelings out!
hugs

dollydo

Teenie,

It is over, accept it, let it go. There is no decision to make about being in contact with him, he has changed his number, he is done.

He is an abuser, he is not a man that you should spend another day with.

Your friends, saw right through him. Swallow your pride and get back to the business of living your life.

What you are doing is only hurting you, it is not affecting him one little bit.

I am sorry that you are going thru this, however, it is for the best.

coffeedrinker

Teenie,

We have talked a lot on this board about our relationship to our addict being similar to US being addicted. That HE is our drug. Often, the addict will try and change his/her relationship to their drug of choice in order to keep that drug around. They can't handle the idea of never getting the drug again, so they just drink beer not booze, they use heroin or pills to maintain and not get out-of-control high, they try a pattern of only using on weekends. etc, etc. But it soon becomes apparent that these tricks just don't work. They are soon sucked right back into out-of-control, addiction and the behaviors that accompany it.

I was also struggling with having some contact with my ex. We were friends first, and for a long, long time. I thought we could re-establish something like that.
Cynical said in a post to me, that she has become convinced that the only way to get through this and break the unhealthy tie, is to go completely no contact.

I decided to take her advice. And you know what? She was absolutely correct.

You are hoping to have some kind of a relationship with him, one that is scads better than where you guys left off. But he is still your own drug of choice, and the messed-up craziness, and the dynamics will just keep coming back, unless and until he REALLY gets better. I know that you know this. But what I'm trying to say, is that you really need no contact. I mean totally. The emails just keep things alive. Which is what you want, so you continue to do it. (Also you want resolution, but that's for another discussion.)

One step forward and two back is common. It's normal. But you have a great deal of control over how much that happens. You have a lot of power. Take it, and run.