Luckyv2

I am just so damn sick of it. I am tired of being trapped in the what if...if only....and one more time. I just don't know why I have to keep doing this. What if anything can change beside either dieing (which I almost welcome)...(but not really). Being Institutionalized. Hell be thinking of turning myself in to the nut ward, counseling? WHAT! WHAT WHAT WHAT!!!!!

What is really bothering me right now is, I've been reaching out to my family all day, no one answers, no one texts me back, I am just tired of it. The pain that I have isn't nothing to the pain that I've caused everyone else. I just can't escape!

I've been thinking about just packing up Chance and I and just leaving everything behind. Been there and done that. Don't work. I am really not even wanting to use tonight but the thought of drinking a few Budweiser have been really implanted on my mind. I know where that will take me oh too quick. I've tried to call people, no one answers, no meetings going on, no one answering the phone.

Have I finally taken myself into a position where there is no help? No one to reach to, no one to talk to. Hell I wouldn't blame anyone for the way I treat others.

I went to a meeting today, even chaired it. The topic was being responsible for our own recovery. I listened very closely today. knowing that I am the only one that is Responsible for my recovery. Or even the lack of. Just so damn tired of going 3 or 4 months and than ****ing it up for one or two days when I know damn well it just keeps getting worse and worse.

After spending the past few hours trying to call and talk to people here in town, I took my sleeping pill. I just got back inside from taking Chance to the bathroom walk into the Kitchen and see my sleeping pills sitting there. Thinking .... I'll show them Mother ****ers if they don't want to talk to me than I will make damn sure that they don't talk to me or see me again in my living life. Yet I can't do that. I don't want to die that way. So what to do? I read the first Chapter out of the NA Basic Text "Who's An Addict." Oh my the words just kept jumping out at me like I've never seen before. I am just so not knowing what to do. Should I admit to the people what is going on? Should I just get up and run? Should I Give up on life? I really don't want to that is for sure.

My Daughter or her friend, or maybe my nephew's friends stole all my Hydrocodone, which I haven't had one for a week tomorrow. I haven't had anything since last Wednesday. It just keeps getting worse and worse. I don't know how to fix this! I need a damn good fixing that is for sure!

I come here? Why? No where left to go? I hate the way that I am feeling. I especially hate the way that I've treated everyone in my life. I need to recover, I want to recover. Is there a Chance? I don't know. All I know is I don't ever want to look like this again. If there is a God Please help me! NOW!

24hrsAday

Hi Chance.. Thanks For Your Honesty.. You Know You Are Here.. Still Here For a Reason Even Though You May Not Know Why..

Rowan

Aw Vic, you aren't alone. Don't listen to that addict voice that's trying to tell you different. Don't ever give up on yourself, or on getting clean.

least

Don't give up, dammit!

Balou

You went 5 days that is fantastic, keep going! Did you take any pills? Are you ok? you can talk on the chatline, everyone is very helpful on there, just tell them you want to share, do you have a sponsor? Maybe your family is busy, somtimes I shut myself out from everyone because I don't feel like talking to anyone, nothing against the person. Try not to take it personally, and take it one minute at a time, don't give up.

Dee74

I never gave up Vic - I made it eventually
Neither should you.

Keep trying, add whatever you can to that toolbox, and keep reaching out, both here and at the meetings.

It's not over til we stop breathing.
D

ibiza1

dont give up mate. i really hoper things get better for you soon.

onestepforward

Hey Chance, I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. But, good choice in deciding to post on here for some support! I hear your statement about sometimes welcoming death. I have felt many times that I would rather die in my addictions rather than give them up. My heart goes out to you in this time of pain. No advice, you know what you need to do.

Kerbcrawler

Hey chance..hang in there, ive always liked reading your stuff here, an truly hope you find peace of mind and happiness, in your own longterm battle with substance abuse, the paraphanelia that surrounds it, the associate users,that help keep you in the dark place, sometimes you jus gotta do it, find change, new ppl, new challenge, even new location, drop the victim attitude an freshen up the outlook, an go get a life, sorry buddy,sounds a lil harsh..try new things.dont dwell on a past you cant change,the future you can,.best of luck chance..hope to read up on a brighter happier you soon, wishing you well freind....never give up.

Impurrfect

awwww, ((Vic)), I'm so sorry you're still struggling. Don't give up, sweetie. There are a lot of people here who care for you, even though we're not physically there with you.

Keep trying. You are never a failure until you quit trying.

Big hugs and prayers to you!!

Amy

keithj

So you have an understanding of powerlessness and loss of choice. Even knowing where it would take me, knowing all the consequences, knowing how miserable and defeated and hopeless I would feel, I would still pick up a drink after some time sober.

It doesn't matter if it's NA or AA, the basic idea is that we are doomed to keep repeating that pattern, and unless there is a complete re-arrangment, a psychic change or spiritual awakening, there is little hope for us.

The 12 Steps are the specific directions for producing that change.

When I followed those directions, guided by someone who had gotten free from that despair, my world changed and has never been the same. I never got that from chairing meetings.