froglegs

I just had to come here and get some input/advice on what I should do about this.
STBX is driving me absolutely crazy. Everytime he calls me he's all mopey, and complainig, I have no money, I have no this, no that, I live in a cave (his moms finished basement..with his own bathroom, bedroom and living room..rent free..must be rough). Everytime I see him he makes a comment on what I am wearing "Oh, another new shirt", everytime I ask him to help out with the kids when it's not hyis weekend or day I have to explain why, where I am going, with who..etc. I am getting really sick and tired of it. I don't know what to do.

The funny thing is he is so sad, so lonely, so broke, misses his house, misses his family but he finds the time to sext girls in the middle of the day and night and form relationships via the internet. The whole thing makes me sick.

I am trying to remain cordial for another 2 months when the divorce will be final. I am trying to keep my distance from him unless I absolutely need to see him.

I cannot take the constant moping and "poor me" attitude anymore...what do I do?

I feel guilty for moving on. I am doing great, I have never been happier but I am feeling guilt for being happy. I have the chance to go on my dream vacation to Napa Valley for 6 days in October..i am afraid to ask him if he will watch them because I don't want to hear "Oh, going on vacation, must be nice...with who...for how long...what are you going to do...." blah blah blah......

LaTeeDa

Mine did the same thing, for a short time. I couldn't cut off contact completely because of logistics involving children/finances, etc. So, what I did was make my boundaries clear. We will talk about children and finances and other necessary topics, but not personal circumstances, our relationship, etc.

Then, whenever he would start to go there, I would end the conversation. Gotta go, bye. It took a little while of repetition, but it finally sunk in and he stopped going there.

Good luck.

L

suki44883

Who does he expect to make his life better? You? Sorry, but that is not your job. If he wants to lay around the basement and sext to women, that's his decision, but bully for you for getting away from all that. You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty about having moved on with your life.

I agree with LTD that your conversations with him should be about the kids and related business only. Just flat out tell him that you won't discuss anything else, and then stick to that. I have had friends like that...always mopey and depressed. I eventually just stopped associating with them. Who needs all that negativity? Is there someone else who can watch the kids while you go to NAPA?

TeM

I'm not a psychologist or anything, but I have made some observations on human nature. There are some people who seem to draw their sense of happiness and self worth from others. They cannot feel complete by themselves or on their own. Maybe your STBX is one of these?

Anyway, good luck with your new direction in life.

Thumper

Yep.

I deleted my long post sharing my story - which is shockingly similar to yours.

I flat out ignore the emails that are not kid related (and before we were divorced the logistics of that or selling the house). If it was blabbing on the phone or in person - I was just stone cold silent and got out of there asap.

The moping and sad self-pitying attitude still grind on me but I am getting better at just letting it go. It no longer makes me feel guilty - just irritates me.

Hang in there.

Learn2Live

Does it bother you so much because you feel responsible for his happiness, or responsible for these things, all of which HE is responsible for? Look within yourself and see WHY his words bother you. Accept whatever you need to accept in order to stop feeling responsible for him.

You have the power to CHOOSE to feel guilty or not feel guilty. You continue to choose to feel guilty. Stop feeling guilty. Guilt is POISON. When you feel yourself feeling it and thinking it, RECOGNIZE IT for what it is, and then STOP IT. Do whatever you need to do to stop the guilty thoughts. Do this long enough and you will successfully quell the guilty feelings. Soon, you will be completely DETACHED from ALL his words.

GO. TO. NAPA!!! If you start practicing my "stomp out guilt" exercise now, you will be prepared to do this in time to go :O)

sandrawg

Yeah, seriously, like you should feel guilty because YOU are making good choices with your life, while he continues to make bad ones, and therefore is suffering the effects of it?

That is some passive aggressive BS on his part. Don't buy into it.

dollydo

Just the facts, nothing but the facts, keep it to what is absolutly necessary, no idle chat.

No idle conversation, no guilt!

FarawayFromCars

the guilt thing is tough...but keep moving forward. He has choices, and he makes the choice to stay in the "poor me" zone. You have the choice to not feel guilty for wishing to move forward...it is tough, but you can make that choice. He is responsible for himself. Sending you hugs!