The Cycle, a tragedy by Jazz
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The Cycle, a tragedy by Jazz
I had a pretty normal childhood being raised in a middle class neighborhood of the nations capitol. Lots of great childhood memories of family time and family vacations, good times in general. Typical 60s father workaholic and stay home mom for a while, then mom getting back to he job market as the kids grow up. But when I hit my teenage years the family dynamics began to change along with my fathers drinking. His job became more and more stressful and he worked long hours and would get home late, mom holding dinner until he arrived. He'd slam down a couple scotch old fashioned drinks then we would all sit down for dinner time.
This is where my memories of a dysfunctional family begin, when I was a teenager at dinner time. My father became a nasty drunk and had some bone to pick with my sister that I just didn't understand. She's my step sister. My mother had divorced and remarried my father but to me all I ever knew was that she was my sister. My father would slam down a few drinks then we would sit down to dinner and more often than not he would start in on my sister with the nasty and degrading comments. He seemed to enjoy antagonizing her. She would end up leaving the table in tears and my mother would snap at my father and the atmosphere would get so thick you could cut it with a knife.
As I got older and began to think more and more for myself my fathers disappointment and general nastiness was directed at me as well. We had the kind of home that nobody wanted to come to when my father was around. My friends made jokes about having an ogre for a father and I was in complete agreement. I spent a lot of time in the evenings held up in my room, or more accurately, hiding out in my room.
My sister and I would beg my mother to leave my father and get us out of that environment but for years she did nothing to let us know we were worth saving. At one point I remember she did look around for some other places to live but nothing ever came of it. My mother was paralyzed with fear that she could not make it financially on her own. Even though she worked full time and had a decent job, she didn't think she could afford to leave. Sure things would have been tight, and there would have been many niceties we could not have afforded, but we would have survived. My mother was convinced she was stuck and there fore my sister and I were stuck right there with her.
My sister and I eventually moved out by the normal empty nest process and my mother was left alone at home with my miserable father and nobody to share with her the martyr misery she kept wallowing in for no good reason. She drinks heavily herself, spends a lot of evenings out of the house drinking with friends. I learn later in life that she had a couple affairs during that time period. My fathers condition continues to worsen.
A couple more years pass and my father had a mild stroke that forced him into an early retirement. My mother would tell the story she was just about ready to leave then he had the stroke so she was forced to stay because she would feel like she was abandoning him. So they live like this for another couple years then my father had a major stroke that left him in a vegetative state with no brain activity accept for the ability to breathe unassisted.
My mother now faces a financial catastrophe with never ending monumental medical and nursing home expenses. She contacts a well a politically connected friend and he helps to get my father bumped up to the top of the list for a local VA hospital where he stayed for four years until he eventually died of pneumonia.
This is the tragic story of a good man that succumbed to an addiction that contributed to his early death at 56. This is the story of a good woman who suffered from codependency who had the choice to spare herself and her children from being road kill in my fathers tragedy. My sister went on to marry a street drunk who she saved and helped find recovery, just long enough for my sister to have two daughters with him. My to nieces will grow up with many of the same memories of a nasty drunk father like my sister and I. They will grow up with out a healthy father figure in their life like my sister and I. For me, I went on to a second marriage with an alcoholic that I tried to save and ended up risking exposing my own children (from my first marriage) to what I was forced to endure as a teenager.
No matter how conscious you are of your past the cycle WANTS to continue. It takes a colossal effort to break the cycle and it's gonna hurt, it's gonna suck, it's gonna be hard. But the sooner you break the cycle the better off your kids will be in their effort to avoid the cycle all together.
The beginning.
This is where my memories of a dysfunctional family begin, when I was a teenager at dinner time. My father became a nasty drunk and had some bone to pick with my sister that I just didn't understand. She's my step sister. My mother had divorced and remarried my father but to me all I ever knew was that she was my sister. My father would slam down a few drinks then we would sit down to dinner and more often than not he would start in on my sister with the nasty and degrading comments. He seemed to enjoy antagonizing her. She would end up leaving the table in tears and my mother would snap at my father and the atmosphere would get so thick you could cut it with a knife.
As I got older and began to think more and more for myself my fathers disappointment and general nastiness was directed at me as well. We had the kind of home that nobody wanted to come to when my father was around. My friends made jokes about having an ogre for a father and I was in complete agreement. I spent a lot of time in the evenings held up in my room, or more accurately, hiding out in my room.
My sister and I would beg my mother to leave my father and get us out of that environment but for years she did nothing to let us know we were worth saving. At one point I remember she did look around for some other places to live but nothing ever came of it. My mother was paralyzed with fear that she could not make it financially on her own. Even though she worked full time and had a decent job, she didn't think she could afford to leave. Sure things would have been tight, and there would have been many niceties we could not have afforded, but we would have survived. My mother was convinced she was stuck and there fore my sister and I were stuck right there with her.
My sister and I eventually moved out by the normal empty nest process and my mother was left alone at home with my miserable father and nobody to share with her the martyr misery she kept wallowing in for no good reason. She drinks heavily herself, spends a lot of evenings out of the house drinking with friends. I learn later in life that she had a couple affairs during that time period. My fathers condition continues to worsen.
A couple more years pass and my father had a mild stroke that forced him into an early retirement. My mother would tell the story she was just about ready to leave then he had the stroke so she was forced to stay because she would feel like she was abandoning him. So they live like this for another couple years then my father had a major stroke that left him in a vegetative state with no brain activity accept for the ability to breathe unassisted.
My mother now faces a financial catastrophe with never ending monumental medical and nursing home expenses. She contacts a well a politically connected friend and he helps to get my father bumped up to the top of the list for a local VA hospital where he stayed for four years until he eventually died of pneumonia.
This is the tragic story of a good man that succumbed to an addiction that contributed to his early death at 56. This is the story of a good woman who suffered from codependency who had the choice to spare herself and her children from being road kill in my fathers tragedy. My sister went on to marry a street drunk who she saved and helped find recovery, just long enough for my sister to have two daughters with him. My to nieces will grow up with many of the same memories of a nasty drunk father like my sister and I. They will grow up with out a healthy father figure in their life like my sister and I. For me, I went on to a second marriage with an alcoholic that I tried to save and ended up risking exposing my own children (from my first marriage) to what I was forced to endure as a teenager.
No matter how conscious you are of your past the cycle WANTS to continue. It takes a colossal effort to break the cycle and it's gonna hurt, it's gonna suck, it's gonna be hard. But the sooner you break the cycle the better off your kids will be in their effort to avoid the cycle all together.
The beginning.
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Wow, that was amazing and upsetting all at the same time - thank-you.
As I tell others on this website who complain about their AH of 2 years/5 years etc that I am them after 22 years of marriage and still on the merry-go-round. You have just given me a glimpse of my possible future and more importantly my daughters, if I don't manage to loose my fear of being financially independent and get the hell out!
As I tell others on this website who complain about their AH of 2 years/5 years etc that I am them after 22 years of marriage and still on the merry-go-round. You have just given me a glimpse of my possible future and more importantly my daughters, if I don't manage to loose my fear of being financially independent and get the hell out!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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This was a very heartbreaking but insightful post. Thank you for sharing.
It makes me think about my own life (family members, relationships, etc.) and wonder if I too am subconsciously repeating the mistake of trying to "save" people in my life from things in their life. I can say with certainty that the two relationships I think of and miss the most, oddly enough, were with women that suffered from some form of a problem that affected their life and mine.
I think of my own father, who died at 50, and his lifestyle of alcohol and drugs. I never really got to know him and when I was getting old enough to move past being angry with him to trying to understand, it was too late. I am afraid that there might be a chance that I allow myself to become involved with women or people that I feel need my help. Sounds foolish, but it's a possibility.
It makes me think about my own life (family members, relationships, etc.) and wonder if I too am subconsciously repeating the mistake of trying to "save" people in my life from things in their life. I can say with certainty that the two relationships I think of and miss the most, oddly enough, were with women that suffered from some form of a problem that affected their life and mine.
I think of my own father, who died at 50, and his lifestyle of alcohol and drugs. I never really got to know him and when I was getting old enough to move past being angry with him to trying to understand, it was too late. I am afraid that there might be a chance that I allow myself to become involved with women or people that I feel need my help. Sounds foolish, but it's a possibility.
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Just to add, after my father died my mother went on to support herself and live out her life living independently, doing as she pleased and chained to no fear of the unknown. As it turned out her worst fears were baseless.
My sister who had an uphill struggle against zero self esteem all her life is now a successful independent single mother running her own business and raising two amazing daughters on her own, now vigilantly mindful of the lessons they are learning from her.
I had to go get my own self esteem as a young adult, facing my fears and being successful at any challenge I took on. The only thing I have failed at so far is rescuing Mel from her own tragedy.
Some times I come off as harsh when I see children's self esteem at stake. I thought I owed you all the reason why.
My sister who had an uphill struggle against zero self esteem all her life is now a successful independent single mother running her own business and raising two amazing daughters on her own, now vigilantly mindful of the lessons they are learning from her.
I had to go get my own self esteem as a young adult, facing my fears and being successful at any challenge I took on. The only thing I have failed at so far is rescuing Mel from her own tragedy.
Some times I come off as harsh when I see children's self esteem at stake. I thought I owed you all the reason why.
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Originally Posted by Jazzman 
My sister and I would beg my mother to leave my father and get us out of that environment but for years she did nothing to let us know we were worth saving.
Thanx for posting this. A reminder to get myself more healthy everyday - for me , but to make up for lost time with my beautiful children.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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This post is exactly why I know what I have to do. Sadly, if I had to, I could go on living the life I had with my AH, but yesterday when he turned to my daughter and said things that were SO inappropriate....I had a vision of what her life would be like as she got older. How he would turn his anger on her when she didn't do exactly what he wanted her to. Then flash forward to what kind of behavior she would accept & expect from her future boyfriends/husband....and I knew that the pain I feel I would NEVER want her to feel. So if I didn't get out for myself, I knew I had to for my kids. I have 6 children, and my older boys have been exposed to my AH (their stepdad) for about 4 years....I pray that he has not damaged them to much. The boys are all great students and very kind young men.....I hope that does not change. Thank you for this post as a reminder of why I am doing what I am doing!
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Jazz-it was at that point, when I could see older DS's self esteem start to slide and saw him doing what I did when I was a kid that I had a major wake up call. I could stay and he could live the messed up life I did or I could leave and like you said-break the cycle. I now spend many days building him back up. He still has contact with stbxah who still causes some damage--which I try my hardest to undo once DS returns home. I just remind him that he is an incredible boy and to not fall into the trap his father lays for DS because his father cares so little for himself.
Thanks for this post--it helps clear the fog that sometimes covers my eyes.
Thanks for this post--it helps clear the fog that sometimes covers my eyes.
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What a post! I am in recovery from alcoholism and, just as my illness is soooo selfish, so is a codependent parent for keeping their children in a dysfunctional home. My two oldest children (18 and 17) have been raised in this dysfunction due to my choice of partners - their father is an addict, my other long-term partner and parent of my 5 year old son is an alcoholic/addict. I don't think I knew any better when I was drinking myself, but since being in recovery I ended the 10 year relationship with my little one's father when it became apparent that he had no intention of stopping drinking. As painful as it was to let go of him (and it was incredibly hard staying away from him) I knew that this was no way to raise my children. I am aware that my older two may have relationship issues in the future, but at least I am here for them if they do. My little one, God willing, has escaped the same destiny and I hopefully, with him at least, have broken the chain. Let us all protect our children from emotional harm - being a mother isn't just about feeding them and clothing them etc. Self worth is the most essential thing that is needed to grow into a healthy adult, so lets make sure they grow up with it. Again, thank you for your post Jazzman - I know now that I made the right decision, no matter how much pain it caused me at the time. Hugs to you.
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Thank you for posting this, Jazz.
So often I see people post on here who think that even an alcoholic father/mother is better than NO father/mother. I would beg to differ. My 2 sisters married alcoholics, and I have seen the damage it wrought on my nieces and nephews. They all grew up in sick, toxic, dysfunctional home environments because of my sisters' choices.
I, too, ended up being exposed to it because my siblings were all a lot older than me, and married w/kids by the time I was a child. I remember my parents and I visiting my sister L's house one time--her husband was 3 sheets to the wind. At one point, he stood up from the couch and peed all over the floor.
My sister acted like it was no big deal. She chastised him, then rushed to clean it up.
My other sister married a guy who went to bars all the time and cheated on her. I was spending the night at her house one night, when she got me and my nieces and nephews up at 2am to go chase him and some floozy down at a local bar.
My parents weren't alcoholics. They were normal. I don't know how my sisters ended up like that. I do know it was not fair of me to be exposed to that kind of insane behavior. Thankfully, I wasn't exposed to it 24-7, BUT THEIR CHILDREN WERE.
One of my nieces has had 2 kids out of wedlock by 2 separate fathers, and cannot hold down a job.
One of my nephews became a heroin addict and has been in jail for various offenses. He's supposedly clean now.
One of my nieces married a functioning alcoholic who's in his 30s now and experiencing serious health problems from drinking and not taking care of himself. They're always experiencing financial problems. They have a young daughter and I pray she's not exposed to too much insanity because of the alcohol.
Don't be fooled - this disease affects everyone. As traumatic as it is on the codependent, it's probably 1000 times worse for children because they have no way of escaping-they have no choice in the matter. Many of them grow up angry, resentful, hating themselves because as children, they somehow thought they caused their parent's disease...or, like my niece who married the alcoholic, they become overachievers. My niece was forced to act like the parent from an early age--in addition to marrying an alcoholic, she has all kinds of health problems, like migraines and high blood pressure. And she's only 37.
Just go over to the "Adult Children of Alcoholics" thread and read some of the posts, if you want to see what damage living in an alcoholic household as a child does.
Yes, I agree with Megan, the codependent parent is equally as responsible as the alcoholic one is for what the kids are going through.
So often I see people post on here who think that even an alcoholic father/mother is better than NO father/mother. I would beg to differ. My 2 sisters married alcoholics, and I have seen the damage it wrought on my nieces and nephews. They all grew up in sick, toxic, dysfunctional home environments because of my sisters' choices.
I, too, ended up being exposed to it because my siblings were all a lot older than me, and married w/kids by the time I was a child. I remember my parents and I visiting my sister L's house one time--her husband was 3 sheets to the wind. At one point, he stood up from the couch and peed all over the floor.
My sister acted like it was no big deal. She chastised him, then rushed to clean it up.
My other sister married a guy who went to bars all the time and cheated on her. I was spending the night at her house one night, when she got me and my nieces and nephews up at 2am to go chase him and some floozy down at a local bar.
My parents weren't alcoholics. They were normal. I don't know how my sisters ended up like that. I do know it was not fair of me to be exposed to that kind of insane behavior. Thankfully, I wasn't exposed to it 24-7, BUT THEIR CHILDREN WERE.
One of my nieces has had 2 kids out of wedlock by 2 separate fathers, and cannot hold down a job.
One of my nephews became a heroin addict and has been in jail for various offenses. He's supposedly clean now.
One of my nieces married a functioning alcoholic who's in his 30s now and experiencing serious health problems from drinking and not taking care of himself. They're always experiencing financial problems. They have a young daughter and I pray she's not exposed to too much insanity because of the alcohol.
Don't be fooled - this disease affects everyone. As traumatic as it is on the codependent, it's probably 1000 times worse for children because they have no way of escaping-they have no choice in the matter. Many of them grow up angry, resentful, hating themselves because as children, they somehow thought they caused their parent's disease...or, like my niece who married the alcoholic, they become overachievers. My niece was forced to act like the parent from an early age--in addition to marrying an alcoholic, she has all kinds of health problems, like migraines and high blood pressure. And she's only 37.
Just go over to the "Adult Children of Alcoholics" thread and read some of the posts, if you want to see what damage living in an alcoholic household as a child does.
Yes, I agree with Megan, the codependent parent is equally as responsible as the alcoholic one is for what the kids are going through.
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Thanks for sharing Jazz. We're all really just doing the best we can do. Everything else is in the capable hands of HP.
Glad to hear the happier ending part. That's my life, too. My sisters and I endured horrible struggles. We still suffer from it, but strive to better ourselves and are seen as community leaders. With issues.
Interestingly, I know folks who were raised in the lap of luxury, with two loving, attentive, gentle parents-who cut themselves uncontrollably. And know of more examples that quite frankly make no sense to me, but I try to not judge others situations. It's hard.
As children, we're helpless and rely on our adults--and our HP-- to care for us. But once we reach adulthood, we can take responsibility for our lives or not take responsibility for our lives and continue to blame and resent. I did that Lord, for decades. Having PTSD means reliving those traumas every day. I'm just now am getting to a point where I am not angry with my parents.
We're all the victims of victims.
Glad to hear the happier ending part. That's my life, too. My sisters and I endured horrible struggles. We still suffer from it, but strive to better ourselves and are seen as community leaders. With issues.
Interestingly, I know folks who were raised in the lap of luxury, with two loving, attentive, gentle parents-who cut themselves uncontrollably. And know of more examples that quite frankly make no sense to me, but I try to not judge others situations. It's hard.
As children, we're helpless and rely on our adults--and our HP-- to care for us. But once we reach adulthood, we can take responsibility for our lives or not take responsibility for our lives and continue to blame and resent. I did that Lord, for decades. Having PTSD means reliving those traumas every day. I'm just now am getting to a point where I am not angry with my parents.
We're all the victims of victims.
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Originally Posted by Jazzman
No matter how conscious you are of your past the cycle WANTS to continue. It takes a colossal effort to break the cycle and it's gonna hurt, it's gonna suck, it's gonna be hard. But the sooner you break the cycle the better off your kids will be in their effort to avoid the cycle all together.
I was the first in my family to break the cycle.
Not everyone was happy with that either.
My sponsor often reminded me that there would people who did not want to see me 'well.'
I upset the apple cart in a long history of alcoholism and codependency on both sides of the family.
I'm glad I held firm in doing what I needed to do.
Thank you so much for posting that, Jazzman.
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I have only a handful of specific, concrete memories from my childhood. When I started therapy, my therapist asked me to remember things from growing up and I had a very hard time coming up with many specific incidents.
Mostly, I just remember being afraid. My father would disappear for days, sometimes weeks at a time. I remember being afraid he wouldn't come back. My mother was perpetually angry. I remember being afraid of doing anything that might anger her. Which could be anything from talking too loud, to coloring outside the lines in my coloring book. When my father was around, he could be the most fun, loving dad in the world, and flip on a dime to raging. In addition to being an alcoholic, he was a compulsive gambler, so we never had enough money to pay the bills. We moved 15 times before I was 12, sometimes in the middle of the night to avoid the bill collectors and landlord. I also remember several times being dragged out of bed along with my sister and loaded in the car with my mother to go driving around to the bars searching for my dad. When he was found, the result would be a knock-down, drag-out fight between him and my mother while we two little girls shuddered in the back seat of the car.
I swore my children would never have to live through the hell I lived through. As it turns out, the specifics were different, but they lived in fear for much of their childhood, too. You're absolutely right that the cycle WANTS to repeat. And even though I was determined to stop it, I fell right back into the trap. Alcoholics may be different in some ways, but the cycle is the same.
L
Mostly, I just remember being afraid. My father would disappear for days, sometimes weeks at a time. I remember being afraid he wouldn't come back. My mother was perpetually angry. I remember being afraid of doing anything that might anger her. Which could be anything from talking too loud, to coloring outside the lines in my coloring book. When my father was around, he could be the most fun, loving dad in the world, and flip on a dime to raging. In addition to being an alcoholic, he was a compulsive gambler, so we never had enough money to pay the bills. We moved 15 times before I was 12, sometimes in the middle of the night to avoid the bill collectors and landlord. I also remember several times being dragged out of bed along with my sister and loaded in the car with my mother to go driving around to the bars searching for my dad. When he was found, the result would be a knock-down, drag-out fight between him and my mother while we two little girls shuddered in the back seat of the car.
I swore my children would never have to live through the hell I lived through. As it turns out, the specifics were different, but they lived in fear for much of their childhood, too. You're absolutely right that the cycle WANTS to repeat. And even though I was determined to stop it, I fell right back into the trap. Alcoholics may be different in some ways, but the cycle is the same.
L
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The old saying that history often repeats itself is so true. My grandfather was an alcoholic, my mom was an alcoholic, my brother was a drug addict, I suffered with addiction, my sister suffered with addiction, and my son suffers with addiction. It just runs right down the line. Children learn what they live. It's a known fact. Your story is very touching and makes alot of sense. In my family, I decided to break the cycle. I stopped using drugs. I also married a good clean man, that has never had a drug or alcohol addiction. When you know better, you do better. Thanks for sharing Jazzman.
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I was talking to one of my college tutors about this topic; I told him I thought that the UK was a timebomb waiting to go off because of the drug and alcohol problems here. Sadly, even if the children of these relationships do not actually pick up drink and drugs themselves, the majority of them still have the behaviour and coping mechanisms of their role models. I see the cycle being repeated over and over in some families that I know; I just pray to God that my recovery hasn't come too late for my kids. So far, so good; but I pray for their physical and emotional health daily. I am also a much improved role model for them than the one of old. My 19 year old daughter is in a serious relationship with the son of an alcoholic - obvious dynamics at play there - although neither of them drink to excess thankfully. On a positive note, we codies CAN make a big difference just by getting well ourselves - it is never too late. This is a great thread for me today; I have read just what I needed to read. Thank you all.
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Thank you. I only knew of one heavy drinker in our family and he was nicknamed NIP, because he downed a 40oz bottle of whiskey a day. My parents drank when in company or parties, as do I, but my sister is an alcoholic and I have been with 2 A's in my life.
First was 22 happy years of marriage till at 60 he began hitting the wine hard, and his persona changed from wonderful to terrible. He died last year.
Second is RABF who I knew was an A from the start, but did NOT know what misery the word meant. I spent years as the codie enabler til I quit the position. He is still sober and working his program, after 8 months, but we live in our own units and have our own space.
I take it as it comes now, and if he hits the bottle that is his problem and not mine.
A while ago, before SR, I would have been imagining what I would do and checking on him every day....just in case. Haven't done that for yonks, and oh what freedom it is.
Your post had the tissues out for me, but thank you for it, Jazzman.
God bless
First was 22 happy years of marriage till at 60 he began hitting the wine hard, and his persona changed from wonderful to terrible. He died last year.
Second is RABF who I knew was an A from the start, but did NOT know what misery the word meant. I spent years as the codie enabler til I quit the position. He is still sober and working his program, after 8 months, but we live in our own units and have our own space.
I take it as it comes now, and if he hits the bottle that is his problem and not mine.
A while ago, before SR, I would have been imagining what I would do and checking on him every day....just in case. Haven't done that for yonks, and oh what freedom it is.
Your post had the tissues out for me, but thank you for it, Jazzman.
God bless
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