NEOMARXIST

I feel that one of the most important things in my recovery was realising and accepting that change was going to have to happen in my life and my thinking if I was to remain sober. However I didn't want to stay sober if it was just another 'dry' period where I would be feeling totally and utterly frustrated, resentful and angry towards both myself but towards other people and the world. Though I would have took that but realised through experience that it wouldn't last.

I cannot explain to you all how much my thinking andf attitude have dramatically changed over the past year in sobriety and recovery.

I learned in recovery that alcoholism was something that came in the person and not in the bottle. At first this can sit uneasy with many newcomers as it infers that indeed YOU are the problem. Not the other 'excuses' that you used to use which led to your drinking.

All of the excuses, rationalisations and resentments have to be stripped away. Change had to occur so that I realised and accepted that me, and only me, was the sole reason why I drank. No excuses and no blaming anything or anybody else.

I used to think very differently. My world view and attitude were very different. I haven't 'sold out' or anything. I am still me. It's just that I also learned that thinking along the lines of "I, Self, me" ie- the ISM of AlcoholISM was going to lead me back to the bottle. I would say I have a more 'mild' view of the world, society and life now. It is so much easier and peaceful to cope with.

When I thought about it much of my thinking was quite self-obsessed. I was not a spiteful person or anything like that. Far from it. I would pay for mates to get wrecked just so I would have company. Ha-ha.
Many of my issues were towards myself and this instinctively makes your thinking wrapped up in your own head and troubles. I realise that now. When I notice my thinking becoming a little introverted I work my recovery and get my clarity back.

My mind truly used to be like a whirlwind. Terribly low one minute and then euphoric the next forcing some 'happiness' through binging on alcohol and drugs. I used to cling to this fleeting happiness as I knew it would be all I got. I was terribly depressed, then Would have a brief rest bite and celebrate by getting wrecked, and then go back into depression until the brief rest bite never happened. I was totally f*cked.

I have really changed how I think about life now. It has really helped me. I was a sucker for 'projected' thinking. Before I got into recovery I didn't even realise all of these things. I used to cause myself terrible worry and stress by racing my thoughts into the future and getting depressed and hopeless. My life felt like it was slipping away from me and I couldn't help it.

Now if I notice my thinking getting outside of the present then I work my recovery and get things back into the day. The future works itself out nice as long as I look after today and plant the seeds.

My life has changed so much in the past year. There are the material things that sobriety and recovery have given me; The steady job for the last 10 months, the driving license back, the car, Starting University in Autumn ( something I am very proud of!). All these things are great and can be physically seen as rewards for staying sober.

But the greatest rewards are the things that cannot be physically seen. These are the things which truly are priceless; Self-respect, Pride, Love, happiness, serenity, Peace of mind. The respect and love of my family again. I make my amends to them each day I am clean and sober.

I have changed as a person and I am ever grateful for this. I was sick and disgusted at the person I had become. I was resentful at myself more than anybody else. I didn't like myself very much and tried to run away from my reflection by binging on alcohol and drugs. It is impossible to run away from though. I realised that and stopped fighting and surrendered. There was no pride or self-respect in being a drunk. I knew I had to change and am grateful for having the tools available ie - SR, AA + Much wisdom from elsewhere, to be able to learn from and practice daily in my life.

Grateful for being a recovering alcoholic.

Peace and Love xxx

least

Thanks Neo! Your posts never cease to inspire and encourage me.

Anna

That's a super post, Neo!

You really have good perspective on your recovery and how far you've come.

I agree totally, it's not about the alcohol. It's about us and having to learn a new way to live. I was depressed and anxious and so caught up in myself and my problems. I had to learn that my life is not all about me.

AWOL

Great Post Neo

Many things I can identify with there. The "helter skelter" of alcoholism is infused with irrationality and projection. And it set me thinking about how much alcoholics project their behavior onto others. I know I did... yeah I often paid for my mates to get wrecked, and there was something of the Pied Piper to my drinking patterns ("let's watch the rugby/soccer/Grand Prix at my place and I'll supply the wine farm" or I'd pay for the party to continue... any party). I nearly sank a catamaran with the amount of alcohol I took aboard for my mates. And the next morning always came back with the same result... a shocking hangover and that tentative reach for the next round. I'm beginning to see that there was a huge lack of awareness or any semblance of social responsibility in that behavior. And there was huge denial, "Who me? An alcoholic? You must be joking." Then, somehow the light dawned (I don't know where it came from) but it comes back to what you correctly identified as the real source of the problem: it was me, the alcoholic. The admission alone turned the screw on my awareness and, in time, as sobriety dawned so did serenity and, amazingly, the projection stopped... and blaming others for anything fell away. I think that's because once you take full responsibility for your life and your sobriety, you are finally the captain of your ship... and it's not a bad voyage after all.

Toronto68

Neo, what I think is so nice about your posts here is that you have a way of making an impression across generations. It's still interesting or surprising to me that you are still younger than I was when I started the awful part of my journey. But that's just because lives aren't identical, I'm a different leaf on a different tree.

I know you see what you have done for yourself as a gift and that you stay focused on that to the best of your ability on an ongoing basis. There's no age requirement for that.

Thanks.

Peter G

Your posts always hit home for me Neo.

NEOMARXIST

Nice chilled out Sunday afternoon. Just got back from an AA meeting. Looking forward to the World Cup final tonight.

SR is such a great resource. Daily contact with other alcoholics and addicts is something which is important for my recovery. It keeps me grounded and down to earth as well as restores clarity to my thinking. I also really enjoy my daily visits to SR.

That was a real change. Actually enjoying, looking forward to and embracing recovery. I really enjoy the many facets of recovery and all that it entails.

I used to spend Sunday afternoon either hungover and resentful that I wasn't still drinking or in blackout as far away from peace and Love as one could wish to get.

Grateful for being a recovering alcoholic.

peace and Love xxx

vegibean

Ahhh......NEO, and as always........

I love reading your posts, they're awesome.

Have a great time enjoying the final game. I haven't gotten into at all, but it's been amazing how many soccer fans we have here all of a sudden in the States.

Ha ha!!!

coffeenut

I sure hope you're writing a book, Son.....it would be a Great One!

Thanks for the post!

NewMe11109

Thanks Neo. Great stuff.