venting here until I don't care anymore
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
venting here until I don't care anymore
Passive Aggressive AH and i are sharing a car, all though I think soon enough I'll just say you keep it or you drop it off and don't come inside,
I just picked him up at work and drove him to my house to drop me off so he could take the car. I had groceries in the car. When we got home, I took a work related call and when I hung up, after explaining I needed to go and being on the phone for a total of 3 minutes, he had left, with half of my groceries.
There's a beautiful example of PA for you. I texted him, said I needed my stuff. He said, 'you looked like you were working, I thought you had it all YOu'll have to wait until 3pm when I bring you the car back.
I raged at him, said, "Well I'm good and angry now, that should fulfill your sick passive aggressive needs. Why didn't you tell me you were leaving? At least I"m pissed now, so you can look like the good guy."
I know I have to completly disengage, but need a good long time AWAY from him to do it. The sight of him makes me furious right now.
I've been in heaven before, where nothing he did affected me. I need to get back there.
I just picked him up at work and drove him to my house to drop me off so he could take the car. I had groceries in the car. When we got home, I took a work related call and when I hung up, after explaining I needed to go and being on the phone for a total of 3 minutes, he had left, with half of my groceries.
There's a beautiful example of PA for you. I texted him, said I needed my stuff. He said, 'you looked like you were working, I thought you had it all YOu'll have to wait until 3pm when I bring you the car back.
I raged at him, said, "Well I'm good and angry now, that should fulfill your sick passive aggressive needs. Why didn't you tell me you were leaving? At least I"m pissed now, so you can look like the good guy."
I know I have to completly disengage, but need a good long time AWAY from him to do it. The sight of him makes me furious right now.
I've been in heaven before, where nothing he did affected me. I need to get back there.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Any way you can get out of sharing a car with him?
I so know that pattern-my ex doing something totally irresponsible, but it was always "I thought...I thought..." hmm, maybe you should stop thinking for once? lol
And then when you get upset that he did something so unthinking and illogical and inconsiderate, he manages to turn it around on you.
Not much you can do about it - maybe just grin and bear it until you truly can cut off all contact with him. Labeling him is just gonna make him angrier-my ex hated it when I tried to put a label on him.
I so know that pattern-my ex doing something totally irresponsible, but it was always "I thought...I thought..." hmm, maybe you should stop thinking for once? lol
And then when you get upset that he did something so unthinking and illogical and inconsiderate, he manages to turn it around on you.
Not much you can do about it - maybe just grin and bear it until you truly can cut off all contact with him. Labeling him is just gonna make him angrier-my ex hated it when I tried to put a label on him.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Originally Posted by transformyself 
I know I have to completly disengage, but need a good long time AWAY from him to do it. The sight of him makes me furious right now.
How can you solve that issue? Want us to brainstorm with you?
I'll start.
Divorce him and ask for the car in the settlement.
Take the car in lieu of a month or two of child support.
Buy out his "half" of it.
Get a bike with a big basket?
L
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I just told him to keep the ******* car full time and I will let him know when I need it. I have a bike, both kids have bikes and I have friends (unlike him) who will help me when I need to go to the store, etc.
He keeps calling, trying to get me to fight with or understand him. He claims he wasn't angry when he left, then detailed how angry he is at me because when I came to get him at work I wasn't ready at 1:30. He's crazy! And no longer my problem! He's totally flipped out and I don't ******* care. I just want him to leave me alone.
I"m going to yoga so I don't tear a hole in the side of the house with my bare hands. Then I'm going to an impromtu high school reunion with my sister, the Queen of Laughter. Ha!
He keeps calling, trying to get me to fight with or understand him. He claims he wasn't angry when he left, then detailed how angry he is at me because when I came to get him at work I wasn't ready at 1:30. He's crazy! And no longer my problem! He's totally flipped out and I don't ******* care. I just want him to leave me alone.
I"m going to yoga so I don't tear a hole in the side of the house with my bare hands. Then I'm going to an impromtu high school reunion with my sister, the Queen of Laughter. Ha!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
hmm
It sounds like a bold, secure thing to proclaim that he can keep the car until you need it back but...now he has your car and you are now on a bike. Friends are great for helping out but you're now not as self reliant as you were with a car and that puts his hooks deeper into you.
Yoga sounds like a good thing to go do.
I also see that you're pissed and like it was mentioned in another thread, anger is good so long as you can channel it in the right direction. ie Yoga.
It sounds like a bold, secure thing to proclaim that he can keep the car until you need it back but...now he has your car and you are now on a bike. Friends are great for helping out but you're now not as self reliant as you were with a car and that puts his hooks deeper into you.
Yoga sounds like a good thing to go do.
I also see that you're pissed and like it was mentioned in another thread, anger is good so long as you can channel it in the right direction. ie Yoga.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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I have to agree with Anvil on this. It seems to me like you are both playing games. If you are truly done with him, then be DONE. This back and forth is just keeping everything all stirred up and no one, including your kids, can get any long term peace.
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Ah. Yoga.
I dont' have time to go into this, but no, this is not what happened.
We were trying to reconcile. Also, we have no money, my car is totaled and we are sharing HIS car, not mine. There was no reeling him back in, there was him coming to me, making promises that he could do whatever I needed, me foolishly believing him. Things were fine until I needed him to be compassionate about him going somewhere were OW will be. Then he turned on me. Started this passive aggressive stuff again. Screw him.
Please accept my explanation for this and don't tear it apart. I'm not in denial. I"m not reeling him in. I"m not passive aggressive. We weren't acting like a couple, we WERE a couple, based on his assertion that he could change. And I was STUPID enough to believe it. I thought I was strong enough to keep my boundaries. That's my part in the drama. Being stupid enough to think, once again, that when I truly needed him to be compassionate and not go out drinking with his buddies to a place where OW will be, that he would follow through on his word. He's not seeing her anymore, but he's still seeing his true love-booze.
I can't afford my therapist anymore either. But I will go to yoga now every day, as I trade with them-marketing for class.
I haven't been in weeks and weeks but just one class made a world of a difference. And it was HOT in there today, too!
couple things....challenges maybe......you just stated in another email that you once again allowed him to be all lovey dovey and woo you with queen like treatment and gifts......right after you had MENTIONED to him that you were seeing someone else. NOW all of the sudden you have decided that HE is passive agressive....and that HE is the bad guy. are you so sure about the culpability there?
why is he still YOUR HUSBAND?
why do you insist on SHARING a vehicle?
is that you really aren't ready to let go? cuz you don't seem to let HIM get very far without reeling him back in.....and THEN blowing up with ANGER as if it's ALL his fault.
nothing is ever all one sided.
is it?
what's your part in this ongoing drama? you SAY you want him gone, but still have him very much at the center of your life, watching the kids, sharing the car, acting like a couple again........are you angry at HIM?
why do you insist on SHARING a vehicle?
is that you really aren't ready to let go? cuz you don't seem to let HIM get very far without reeling him back in.....and THEN blowing up with ANGER as if it's ALL his fault.
nothing is ever all one sided.
is it?
what's your part in this ongoing drama? you SAY you want him gone, but still have him very much at the center of your life, watching the kids, sharing the car, acting like a couple again........are you angry at HIM?
Please accept my explanation for this and don't tear it apart. I'm not in denial. I"m not reeling him in. I"m not passive aggressive. We weren't acting like a couple, we WERE a couple, based on his assertion that he could change. And I was STUPID enough to believe it. I thought I was strong enough to keep my boundaries. That's my part in the drama. Being stupid enough to think, once again, that when I truly needed him to be compassionate and not go out drinking with his buddies to a place where OW will be, that he would follow through on his word. He's not seeing her anymore, but he's still seeing his true love-booze.
I can't afford my therapist anymore either. But I will go to yoga now every day, as I trade with them-marketing for class.
I haven't been in weeks and weeks but just one class made a world of a difference. And it was HOT in there today, too!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi transform-
perhaps your frustration has to do with expectations.
we learn, the hard way, that people who drink too much tend to be unreliable, selfish, untrustworthy and careless.
why are on earth are you surprised your AH was unreliable, selfish, untrustworthy and careless? would you miss a bag of groceries in a car or leave without informing the other person? i doubt you would do those things. but alcoholics are a bit foggy and don't behave like sober people, even if they are not drinking at the time.
if you choose to reconcile with him, you would have to take him as he is.
as for OW, i do empathise. it seems that may be his local and her local too. good luck trying to get a drinker to change their local. i've been in that same exact situation, except that i didn't know what OW looked like. one night, xABF and I were out, she was also in the bar, and xABF didn't bother to let me know all night. by the way, he also pretty much ignored me all night and i thought "why is he so distant?". yuck. guess he didn't want OW to feel threatened. ha.
you know, it really is best to just accept everything and let them get on with it and have nothing to do with it. the moment we try to control the situation (as in he can't drink at his local because OW is there), we drive ourselves out of balance.
for myself, best just to let go 100% and then its got nothing to do with me anymore and i can get on with my peaceful life.
naive
perhaps your frustration has to do with expectations.
we learn, the hard way, that people who drink too much tend to be unreliable, selfish, untrustworthy and careless.
why are on earth are you surprised your AH was unreliable, selfish, untrustworthy and careless? would you miss a bag of groceries in a car or leave without informing the other person? i doubt you would do those things. but alcoholics are a bit foggy and don't behave like sober people, even if they are not drinking at the time.
if you choose to reconcile with him, you would have to take him as he is.
as for OW, i do empathise. it seems that may be his local and her local too. good luck trying to get a drinker to change their local. i've been in that same exact situation, except that i didn't know what OW looked like. one night, xABF and I were out, she was also in the bar, and xABF didn't bother to let me know all night. by the way, he also pretty much ignored me all night and i thought "why is he so distant?". yuck. guess he didn't want OW to feel threatened. ha.
you know, it really is best to just accept everything and let them get on with it and have nothing to do with it. the moment we try to control the situation (as in he can't drink at his local because OW is there), we drive ourselves out of balance.
for myself, best just to let go 100% and then its got nothing to do with me anymore and i can get on with my peaceful life.
naive
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Originally Posted by transformyself
I've been in heaven before, where nothing he did affected me. I need to get back there.
Finally decided that it was just me, after all, nothing to do with her.
Nothing.
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Ok I've got more figured out. THis is long, I"m working this stuff out. Thanks for being patient with me, for the insights and for your ESH.
Just picked up AH from work, took him and the kids back to his house to drop off so they can get ready to go to our nieces graduation party. She is my favorite and I'm upset that I"m not going but I just can't spend the hour in the car with him, then all night with his family. Just can't.
So, AH is being predictably very sweet and funny. When I tried to talk to him about ANYTHING relating to the past week he switched quickly to aggressive. That shut me up.
Yes, my frustration is all about my expectations.
I'm not sure if it was denial that led me to believe things would be different this time, I think i don't care right now. He came up with a "new one," when he said he wanted to reconcile, that he could finally, because he'd seen the error of his ways, could finally give me what I needed with regard to OW. I'm just not remembering that i told him at that time, if you do this to me again, it will be the last time. So glad I'm remembering that right now.
In the past, he's told me he wouldn't respect my feelings about her. Outright. Said horrible things to me.
so, yes, I guess it was denial that got me hooked in again. To be fair, we had a great time for however long that lasted. There were some issues with drinking, he was too drunk to pick up the kids once which made me furious, but I decided then we wouldn't be living together. That way he can have his little apartment to drink in. But those were my expectations that got me in trouble, that he wouldn't get so drunk he couldn't take care of the kids.
Just now, he was being all nice and then made a comment about how I was "ignoring" him.
When I thought through it, I realized, remembered, the thing that has tortured me all along with this man. Everything is fine as long as I do not hold him accountable for his actions. As long as I shut the hell up when he wants me to, everything is fine.
He can't meet my expectation. He can't. He turns on me when I need him and the way that he does it compounds the actual issue.
When i told him how I felt about him going to this beer fest-as naive points out his "local."-he turned on me. It was subtle. He withdrew and became subtly hostile. He made up all kinds of stuff, accused me of doing things to him that I wasn't. Like, he is contributing more money for the kids than I am. That's just one of the things, and THEY'RE NOT TRUE. They are a distraction from the fact that he doesn't want to put our relationship before drinking.
So I not only felt betrayed about the beer fest, but also by the untrue accusations that I wasted more time to defend myself against.
Ready to vomit yet?
And here's my favorite part. You know how we see here on SRF&F women (mostly) who go back again and again to their abusive partners?
I am one of them. But. Each time, there is movement further along a line of awareness. Awareness of myself, of why I do what I do.
This time, I've gotten a bit further than the last. The cloud is lifting. As my anger (rage really) fades, I can see our dynamic more clearly-how I want things from him he just isn't going to be able to provide. I need to keep a clear head about this and not stay in angry mode. Move to acceptance, release my attachment to the benefits I think are there for us to be together.
Later tonight I'll work up a positives and negatives list and keep it with me.
This from naive is beautiful and kind. Thank you.
Just picked up AH from work, took him and the kids back to his house to drop off so they can get ready to go to our nieces graduation party. She is my favorite and I'm upset that I"m not going but I just can't spend the hour in the car with him, then all night with his family. Just can't.
So, AH is being predictably very sweet and funny. When I tried to talk to him about ANYTHING relating to the past week he switched quickly to aggressive. That shut me up.
Yes, my frustration is all about my expectations.
I'm not sure if it was denial that led me to believe things would be different this time, I think i don't care right now. He came up with a "new one," when he said he wanted to reconcile, that he could finally, because he'd seen the error of his ways, could finally give me what I needed with regard to OW. I'm just not remembering that i told him at that time, if you do this to me again, it will be the last time. So glad I'm remembering that right now.
In the past, he's told me he wouldn't respect my feelings about her. Outright. Said horrible things to me.
so, yes, I guess it was denial that got me hooked in again. To be fair, we had a great time for however long that lasted. There were some issues with drinking, he was too drunk to pick up the kids once which made me furious, but I decided then we wouldn't be living together. That way he can have his little apartment to drink in. But those were my expectations that got me in trouble, that he wouldn't get so drunk he couldn't take care of the kids.
Just now, he was being all nice and then made a comment about how I was "ignoring" him.
When I thought through it, I realized, remembered, the thing that has tortured me all along with this man. Everything is fine as long as I do not hold him accountable for his actions. As long as I shut the hell up when he wants me to, everything is fine.
He can't meet my expectation. He can't. He turns on me when I need him and the way that he does it compounds the actual issue.
When i told him how I felt about him going to this beer fest-as naive points out his "local."-he turned on me. It was subtle. He withdrew and became subtly hostile. He made up all kinds of stuff, accused me of doing things to him that I wasn't. Like, he is contributing more money for the kids than I am. That's just one of the things, and THEY'RE NOT TRUE. They are a distraction from the fact that he doesn't want to put our relationship before drinking.
So I not only felt betrayed about the beer fest, but also by the untrue accusations that I wasted more time to defend myself against.
Ready to vomit yet?
And here's my favorite part. You know how we see here on SRF&F women (mostly) who go back again and again to their abusive partners?
I am one of them. But. Each time, there is movement further along a line of awareness. Awareness of myself, of why I do what I do.
This time, I've gotten a bit further than the last. The cloud is lifting. As my anger (rage really) fades, I can see our dynamic more clearly-how I want things from him he just isn't going to be able to provide. I need to keep a clear head about this and not stay in angry mode. Move to acceptance, release my attachment to the benefits I think are there for us to be together.
Later tonight I'll work up a positives and negatives list and keep it with me.
This from naive is beautiful and kind. Thank you.
you know, it really is best to just accept everything and let them get on with it and have nothing to do with it. the moment we try to control the situation (as in he can't drink at his local because OW is there), we drive ourselves out of balance.
for myself, best just to let go 100% and then its got nothing to do with me anymore and i can get on with my peaceful life.
for myself, best just to let go 100% and then its got nothing to do with me anymore and i can get on with my peaceful life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 26
"I"m going to yoga so I don't tear a hole in the side of the house with my bare hands."
God, I can identify with this a lot! It is either one way or another for me. I'm either depressed or raging. Lifting weights has been a good, healthy outlet for me. I'd like to give yoga a try...could use the relaxation/meditation aspect of it.
God, I can identify with this a lot! It is either one way or another for me. I'm either depressed or raging. Lifting weights has been a good, healthy outlet for me. I'd like to give yoga a try...could use the relaxation/meditation aspect of it.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Yoga is great...
I also do boxing. Boxing is a really cathartic way to let go of some tension and clogged up frustration!
I also do boxing. Boxing is a really cathartic way to let go of some tension and clogged up frustration!
Originally Posted by TheSeeker
"I"m going to yoga so I don't tear a hole in the side of the house with my bare hands."
God, I can identify with this a lot! It is either one way or another for me. I'm either depressed or raging. Lifting weights has been a good, healthy outlet for me. I'd like to give yoga a try...could use the relaxation/meditation aspect of it.
God, I can identify with this a lot! It is either one way or another for me. I'm either depressed or raging. Lifting weights has been a good, healthy outlet for me. I'd like to give yoga a try...could use the relaxation/meditation aspect of it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Dearest Transformie... I would so be doing what you're doing right now (going back to AH) if it weren't for the grace of God in providing legally enforced no-contact. I've tried everything I can think of to get around it, and come dangerously close to succeeding. My heart goes out to you, my friend! You're already so very strong and independent. Keep getting stronger, and building your self confidence. LOVE/HUGS - Tigg
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