I need advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 2
I need advice
I am new here so bear with me. My life is being torn apart by my Mother In Law (MIL) and I don't know what to do.
A little background. My huband's father died when he was 10 of a cocaine addiction. He has a lot of guilt and unresolved issues with this even though he won't admit it. He has a younger brother (6 years) who doesn't remember anything about his dad and feels no emotions when it comes to the Dad or the mother. MIL remarried fairly quickly and step-father in law is a HUGE enabler.
When I met DH, MIL was in the hospital. I think she has been addicted to pain pills for as long as I've known DH (12 years ago) but everyone denies that it has been going on for that long. She was a highly functioning addict for years. She got fired from jobs regulary due to excessive time off and eventually stopped working in 2005. Her behavior can be described as evil and manipulative at best. I was never good enough for her son and we've had issues from day one. She fights with everyone, throws a fit if she doesn't get her way, and threatens to kill herself all the time. DH is also an enabler and pretty much lets her get away with anything for fear that she will die also. I have pretty much been told that I need to put up with her behavior because 'she is crazy' and saying anything to her won't make a difference.
The past 3 years she has pretty much become non-functioning. She doesn't leave the house, hasn't come to any family event in years, and has a surgery every few months. She claims she has 'intense pain'. She has been sick for as long as I've known DH, it has just gotten much worse.
She finally agreed to rehab a few weeks back but only spent 5 days there detoxing before she got kicked out for being uncontrollable. She claims she is cured although she has been to the emergency room 3 times that I know of (they will no longer give her narcotic based pain meds). My husband is now committed to finding out what is physically wrong with her so he can fix her - he has found a team of doctors and now they are taking about a pinched nerve and another surgery. They know about her issues. She is also in group therapy and blames all of her behavior and issues on her horrible childhood which my husband buys (and I agree she has had it bad, but I don't think that justifies her abusive behavior to me, our kids, or my husband).
So now, my husband gets mad at me when she calls and I won't answer the phone (she has a history of making up stuff that i never said to start fights) and I generally don't want to deal with her. He on the other hand is bending over backwards to try and help her and be as supportive as possible. I don't buy this recovery one bit.
How do you know when enough is enough. I love my husband, we have 2 amazing daughters...but I cannot continue to live this nightmare. He won't go to counseling. I am at my wits ends. This women is making my life a living hell.
A little background. My huband's father died when he was 10 of a cocaine addiction. He has a lot of guilt and unresolved issues with this even though he won't admit it. He has a younger brother (6 years) who doesn't remember anything about his dad and feels no emotions when it comes to the Dad or the mother. MIL remarried fairly quickly and step-father in law is a HUGE enabler.
When I met DH, MIL was in the hospital. I think she has been addicted to pain pills for as long as I've known DH (12 years ago) but everyone denies that it has been going on for that long. She was a highly functioning addict for years. She got fired from jobs regulary due to excessive time off and eventually stopped working in 2005. Her behavior can be described as evil and manipulative at best. I was never good enough for her son and we've had issues from day one. She fights with everyone, throws a fit if she doesn't get her way, and threatens to kill herself all the time. DH is also an enabler and pretty much lets her get away with anything for fear that she will die also. I have pretty much been told that I need to put up with her behavior because 'she is crazy' and saying anything to her won't make a difference.
The past 3 years she has pretty much become non-functioning. She doesn't leave the house, hasn't come to any family event in years, and has a surgery every few months. She claims she has 'intense pain'. She has been sick for as long as I've known DH, it has just gotten much worse.
She finally agreed to rehab a few weeks back but only spent 5 days there detoxing before she got kicked out for being uncontrollable. She claims she is cured although she has been to the emergency room 3 times that I know of (they will no longer give her narcotic based pain meds). My husband is now committed to finding out what is physically wrong with her so he can fix her - he has found a team of doctors and now they are taking about a pinched nerve and another surgery. They know about her issues. She is also in group therapy and blames all of her behavior and issues on her horrible childhood which my husband buys (and I agree she has had it bad, but I don't think that justifies her abusive behavior to me, our kids, or my husband).
So now, my husband gets mad at me when she calls and I won't answer the phone (she has a history of making up stuff that i never said to start fights) and I generally don't want to deal with her. He on the other hand is bending over backwards to try and help her and be as supportive as possible. I don't buy this recovery one bit.
How do you know when enough is enough. I love my husband, we have 2 amazing daughters...but I cannot continue to live this nightmare. He won't go to counseling. I am at my wits ends. This women is making my life a living hell.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Have you tried just telling him something like...."I am washing my hands of the whole matter. If you want to run yourself ragged taking care of someone who has no desire to help herself and manipulates everyone, then go right ahead, but don't expect me to do the same."
About all you can do is detach yourself from the matter. That is, unless it has caused such a rift that you are willing to separate because of it. Only you can decide that. I'm having trouble understanding why your husband would feel guilt over his dad's death when he was only 10 years old when it happened.
About all you can do is detach yourself from the matter. That is, unless it has caused such a rift that you are willing to separate because of it. Only you can decide that. I'm having trouble understanding why your husband would feel guilt over his dad's death when he was only 10 years old when it happened.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 2
Thank you for your reponses.
I guess I should clarify - maybe guilt isn't the appropriate word to use. I guess my husband worries that he will end up with 2 parents dead from addiction. So, I guess the guilt comes in when he doesn't go above and beyond with his mother. He doesn't want to end up with 2 dead parents. Plus, she makes him feel horrible when she calls to rehash how horrible their lives were when my husband was younger. My husband became my MIL's little husband, as sick as that sounds. My husband is a spitting image of his father so there are a lot of displaced emotions.
I do need to set boundries. My fear is, he will not be OK with it. His thought process is she is crazy and we need to go above and beyond to make sher she doesn't slip off the deep end. However, history has shown no matter what we do or don't do, she is never happy. Even giving her grandkids didn't make her happy - she was annoyed because the kids were getting all the attention. Sad situation.
I guess I should clarify - maybe guilt isn't the appropriate word to use. I guess my husband worries that he will end up with 2 parents dead from addiction. So, I guess the guilt comes in when he doesn't go above and beyond with his mother. He doesn't want to end up with 2 dead parents. Plus, she makes him feel horrible when she calls to rehash how horrible their lives were when my husband was younger. My husband became my MIL's little husband, as sick as that sounds. My husband is a spitting image of his father so there are a lot of displaced emotions.
I do need to set boundries. My fear is, he will not be OK with it. His thought process is she is crazy and we need to go above and beyond to make sher she doesn't slip off the deep end. However, history has shown no matter what we do or don't do, she is never happy. Even giving her grandkids didn't make her happy - she was annoyed because the kids were getting all the attention. Sad situation.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Well, this is about YOU, so does it really matter if your husband isn't okay with boudaries that protect YOU? Knowing that you cannot control what he does, the only thing left is control your own actions and reactions. Only you can determine when you have had enough and whether or not this is something that you just cannot live with anymore.
By the way, welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here. Hope you'll stick around awhile and read and post often.
By the way, welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here. Hope you'll stick around awhile and read and post often.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Your husband isn't responding the way you want and you aren't responding the way he wants.
Is there any way you can suggest that both of you leave each other alone concerning his mother? My husband and I learned we have to agree to disagree sometimes. If he or I start to stray into one of those areas, our standard response now is "you know I'm not the person to talk with about that."
Is there any way you can suggest that both of you leave each other alone concerning his mother? My husband and I learned we have to agree to disagree sometimes. If he or I start to stray into one of those areas, our standard response now is "you know I'm not the person to talk with about that."
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