Argh... I just want to move on already :(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Argh... I just want to move on already :(
Hi Everyone,
I need some ESH.... It's been a while!
I moved out of my (now seperated) AH's apt. 3 or so months ago. There has been very little contact (conversations were mainly by email or text and usually about financial issues). I've tried to not think about AH and to push all my thoughts and feelings about him away- I think that's probably part of the reason I haven't been on SR much. It was somewhat working for a while (with a few ups and downs), but the past 2 weeks I've been really, really struggling. I've had quite a few days off work, but instead of getting out and meeting with people, I was hiding out in my apt (my roomate is on vacation, so I haven't had much social interaction other than at work). I had my first two almost anxiety attacks in public when I was running some errands (I was able to use my breathing technique before they turned into full anxiety attacks). I guess I'm starting to become more and more depressed and it's getting really hard to counteract it. I just don't want to leave the apt. or talk to anyone unless I have to.
I went by AH's apt. on thursday to pick up some insurance letters and saw him for no longer than a minute. I miss him and would probably go back to him, if I could - but everything inside of me screams NOOOO when I contemplate maybe trying to be friends (and more) with him. My anxiety level rises everytime I'm around his apt or work area. I guess that's a good thing, my body finally recognizes that this would be toxic for me. But part of me is still in love with him. It's crazy, it feels like part of me wants to just be with him and part of me wants nothing but run away and never look back. It's like a constant battle inside of me. There's a lot of pain and anger that I'm still carrying around with me, but then why do I still love him - after everything he's done, after his cheating, after all his lies, after witnessing all his abusive behaviors?? - It just doesn't make any sense.
I guess part of me is still hanging on to my good old fantasies... "he will finally realize that he needs to get into treatment - he'll get sober and everything will be fine - we will get back together and live happily ever after" ... yeah right! I can't seem to move on. Just the thought of meeting another guy makes me want to scream and run the other way (well, actually the thought of me going back to AH makes me want to do the same thing). Hm!?
Maybe it'll help getting some of my thoughts and feelings out - Thanks for letting me share (I hope my post isn't too confusing)!
I need some ESH.... It's been a while!
I moved out of my (now seperated) AH's apt. 3 or so months ago. There has been very little contact (conversations were mainly by email or text and usually about financial issues). I've tried to not think about AH and to push all my thoughts and feelings about him away- I think that's probably part of the reason I haven't been on SR much. It was somewhat working for a while (with a few ups and downs), but the past 2 weeks I've been really, really struggling. I've had quite a few days off work, but instead of getting out and meeting with people, I was hiding out in my apt (my roomate is on vacation, so I haven't had much social interaction other than at work). I had my first two almost anxiety attacks in public when I was running some errands (I was able to use my breathing technique before they turned into full anxiety attacks). I guess I'm starting to become more and more depressed and it's getting really hard to counteract it. I just don't want to leave the apt. or talk to anyone unless I have to.
I went by AH's apt. on thursday to pick up some insurance letters and saw him for no longer than a minute. I miss him and would probably go back to him, if I could - but everything inside of me screams NOOOO when I contemplate maybe trying to be friends (and more) with him. My anxiety level rises everytime I'm around his apt or work area. I guess that's a good thing, my body finally recognizes that this would be toxic for me. But part of me is still in love with him. It's crazy, it feels like part of me wants to just be with him and part of me wants nothing but run away and never look back. It's like a constant battle inside of me. There's a lot of pain and anger that I'm still carrying around with me, but then why do I still love him - after everything he's done, after his cheating, after all his lies, after witnessing all his abusive behaviors?? - It just doesn't make any sense.
I guess part of me is still hanging on to my good old fantasies... "he will finally realize that he needs to get into treatment - he'll get sober and everything will be fine - we will get back together and live happily ever after" ... yeah right! I can't seem to move on. Just the thought of meeting another guy makes me want to scream and run the other way (well, actually the thought of me going back to AH makes me want to do the same thing). Hm!?
Maybe it'll help getting some of my thoughts and feelings out - Thanks for letting me share (I hope my post isn't too confusing)!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 25
I am new here but just could not help commenting. I am in exactly the same situation as you mentally. Fortunately, although engaged, I did not live with him and I did not marry him. We have been apart for 3 weeks and I have been no contact for 10 days.
I suffered immensely for alot of our three years together. He could not communicate, he was lazy, he did not take care of ANYTHING - not for me or himself, he denied me affection, he lied about everything and he constantly betrayed me by putting profiles on dating sites and talking to women behind my back. He is weak and a coward when it comes to participating in anything that doesn't revolve around him. Any single time I have expressed my concerns about our relationship he says nothing and disappears. I have always been the one to run back, dig him out of his own depression and try to make things right. Three weeks ago he did the same thing after I tried talking to him. This time I blocked him every way possible from contacting me, I wrote him an email and told him I would call the police if he ever came near me again and I have done nothing but try to put the three years I wasted behind me. It sucks! I have moments where I love him and want him back at any cost and then I want to strangle myself.
And on a side note - I supported him through 28 days of rehab back in November, and after 40 days he stopped working on his own recovery. He is exactly the same person doing the same bad things and rehab did nothing but keep him from picking up the beer.... which he probably has done again by now. There is no way he could live his mess of a life sober, sadly.
I will gladly keep you company, feel free to email me any time. My heart is with you and I wish you the best.
I suffered immensely for alot of our three years together. He could not communicate, he was lazy, he did not take care of ANYTHING - not for me or himself, he denied me affection, he lied about everything and he constantly betrayed me by putting profiles on dating sites and talking to women behind my back. He is weak and a coward when it comes to participating in anything that doesn't revolve around him. Any single time I have expressed my concerns about our relationship he says nothing and disappears. I have always been the one to run back, dig him out of his own depression and try to make things right. Three weeks ago he did the same thing after I tried talking to him. This time I blocked him every way possible from contacting me, I wrote him an email and told him I would call the police if he ever came near me again and I have done nothing but try to put the three years I wasted behind me. It sucks! I have moments where I love him and want him back at any cost and then I want to strangle myself.
And on a side note - I supported him through 28 days of rehab back in November, and after 40 days he stopped working on his own recovery. He is exactly the same person doing the same bad things and rehab did nothing but keep him from picking up the beer.... which he probably has done again by now. There is no way he could live his mess of a life sober, sadly.
I will gladly keep you company, feel free to email me any time. My heart is with you and I wish you the best.
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