Opinions Please
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Opinions Please
If this posts twice, I am sorry! It seems it just disappeared the first time!
ood afternoon. Here is the situation. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and has been clean for three months. Right before he went to rehab he got into some trouble w/the law and has court on Friday. I have not accompanied him to his court dates in the past (two) but am going for this one. He does already have in writing from his attorney the plea bargain what is agreed on and that is what will happen. His court day was to be in June but was postponed to 7-2.
Before it was postponed we made plans to go to the lake w/my family. There will be lots of people there, and to be fair, some of them may be drinking. Not alot, but someone may have a beer. (not necessarily our family but some friends of my sister's inlaws are coming who dont even know us). I am very excited to go as are my children. Actually, one of my girls is already there w/her aunt.
The court day got changed to 7-2 and my husband decided he is not ready to go to court that day then go to the lake for the weekend. That is fine and understandable to me, however I am still planning on going. He is not making a huge deal about it, but has said several little things to let me know he does not think I should go.
I guess here lies my frustrations. Why should everything in my life have to change because of this?? I want to go spend time w/my family and friends. I want to take my kids on this trip (we had told them earlier this year we would take them on a big vacation this year but since this has happend and cost of thousands, we can no longer afford to go, so this is their trip).
I guess I just think if it were me I would be saying "Go Go..have fun" but he has to make me feel bad. I am sure it is me too as I do feel bad, but I dont want to stay home and moap around the house because of his huge guilt and frustration over what he has done. I am by nature a social person and I dont think I should have to become someone else because my husband never wants to go anywhere anymore. I dont mean drinking establishments, but no where. He does not want to leave the house. I cannot live that way.
So, I guess I need opinions please. Am I wrong to go...and to be excited to go?? Thanks in advance.
ood afternoon. Here is the situation. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and has been clean for three months. Right before he went to rehab he got into some trouble w/the law and has court on Friday. I have not accompanied him to his court dates in the past (two) but am going for this one. He does already have in writing from his attorney the plea bargain what is agreed on and that is what will happen. His court day was to be in June but was postponed to 7-2.
Before it was postponed we made plans to go to the lake w/my family. There will be lots of people there, and to be fair, some of them may be drinking. Not alot, but someone may have a beer. (not necessarily our family but some friends of my sister's inlaws are coming who dont even know us). I am very excited to go as are my children. Actually, one of my girls is already there w/her aunt.
The court day got changed to 7-2 and my husband decided he is not ready to go to court that day then go to the lake for the weekend. That is fine and understandable to me, however I am still planning on going. He is not making a huge deal about it, but has said several little things to let me know he does not think I should go.
I guess here lies my frustrations. Why should everything in my life have to change because of this?? I want to go spend time w/my family and friends. I want to take my kids on this trip (we had told them earlier this year we would take them on a big vacation this year but since this has happend and cost of thousands, we can no longer afford to go, so this is their trip).
I guess I just think if it were me I would be saying "Go Go..have fun" but he has to make me feel bad. I am sure it is me too as I do feel bad, but I dont want to stay home and moap around the house because of his huge guilt and frustration over what he has done. I am by nature a social person and I dont think I should have to become someone else because my husband never wants to go anywhere anymore. I dont mean drinking establishments, but no where. He does not want to leave the house. I cannot live that way.
So, I guess I need opinions please. Am I wrong to go...and to be excited to go?? Thanks in advance.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Am I wrong to go...and to be excited to go??
I"m sure the others will be along soon with better advice than mine, but my opinion is of course not.
More importantly, why do you feel like you're "wrong," to go on a planned family vacation that he has backed out of? You planned it. The kids are already there. You're not responsible for his feelings or actions, and do have a responsibility to take care of yourself and family.
You know, you can tell him you don't like him guilt tripping you. That's a big no no at my house. Clear boundaries help a lot, if you tell him you don't like it and he continues, he's not respecting your boundaries.
I"m sure the others will be along soon with better advice than mine, but my opinion is of course not.
More importantly, why do you feel like you're "wrong," to go on a planned family vacation that he has backed out of? You planned it. The kids are already there. You're not responsible for his feelings or actions, and do have a responsibility to take care of yourself and family.
You know, you can tell him you don't like him guilt tripping you. That's a big no no at my house. Clear boundaries help a lot, if you tell him you don't like it and he continues, he's not respecting your boundaries.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
He should be apologizing to you and your kids for his stupid behavior, that caused him to face a court to begin with.
So he screwed up and expects you to pay some of the price for his mistakes, by staying with him? NO WAY, MATE.
His muck up, so he cops the WHOLE penance.....he stays home alone and you all go and enjoy yourselves.
He complains...tell him to cut the cackle, and take it like a man, it is his responsibility, not yours.
God bless
So he screwed up and expects you to pay some of the price for his mistakes, by staying with him? NO WAY, MATE.
His muck up, so he cops the WHOLE penance.....he stays home alone and you all go and enjoy yourselves.
He complains...tell him to cut the cackle, and take it like a man, it is his responsibility, not yours.
God bless
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
If I screwed up I would not expect anyone else to suffer. I would not expect anyone else to change their plans or pay for my mistake. As a matter of fact I would be falling all over myself apologizing for any inconvenience, embarrassment or suffering I might have caused.
I would also expect anyone close in my life to live up to the same standards.
I would also expect anyone close in my life to live up to the same standards.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
You should definitely go and have fun! Also, think of it as a chance to give yourself a break from the situation at home. Recovery is a long road, and you are being patient and supportive of your husband's recovery. But remember that it's your recovery too from all the chaos he has put your family through. You need a break, and you should not feel guilty for taking the opportunity to spend time with family who loves you. This trip should also remind you that it's okay to just have fun.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 35
Hopeful4 - go to the lake and enjoy your children and family. Your AH is still very self centered, and he needs to accept the consequences of his actions. If he wants to stay home, and have a pity party, why would you want to participate?
Tell him that you wish that he was coming, but that you respect his decision to stay home.
Have a great week end.
Tell him that you wish that he was coming, but that you respect his decision to stay home.
Have a great week end.
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