21 and going to ruin my life (probably, maybe IDK)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Boston, MA (Mattapan) Legit ghetto but I love it
Posts: 174
21 and going to ruin my life (probably, maybe IDK)
My parents kicked me out. I'm 21 so I should probably be out anyway but... I wasn't. I'm staying with a friend currently. I'm trying to work out moving back home. I had almost a month sober then I drank last night. I've been mostly avoiding the drinking here (there is a lot of it) but I got caught up in it last night and through "oh I'll only have a couple" which of course turned into a lot. Well not THAT much but hey not drinking for three weeks... well I don't know I got drunk faster. (I had maybe 5 beers and like 4 shots of Capt Morgan)
Basically it was just like hanging out with people and everyone was drunk but I must have blacked out at some point cos I don't remember getting to the room I'm in now. My friend lives in a fairly big house (it's actually like his parents or something) and I've been sleeping in one room but somehow ended up in another. Though I remember going to the room I normally sleep in.
Anyway I'm looking into moving back into my parents cos living here probably isn't the best situation. If only I could get back with my ex and be happy like we used to be because it is so easy for me to stay sober when I'm happy.
I also am hung over ish right now. I don't actually know what the point of this post is I suppose I'm just updating people. And making some sort of confession.
Oh and for those of you sober...stay sober. Black outs/hung overs are not a fun thing to relive.
Basically it was just like hanging out with people and everyone was drunk but I must have blacked out at some point cos I don't remember getting to the room I'm in now. My friend lives in a fairly big house (it's actually like his parents or something) and I've been sleeping in one room but somehow ended up in another. Though I remember going to the room I normally sleep in.
Anyway I'm looking into moving back into my parents cos living here probably isn't the best situation. If only I could get back with my ex and be happy like we used to be because it is so easy for me to stay sober when I'm happy.
I also am hung over ish right now. I don't actually know what the point of this post is I suppose I'm just updating people. And making some sort of confession.
Oh and for those of you sober...stay sober. Black outs/hung overs are not a fun thing to relive.
Better now than never
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Sunny South Florida
Posts: 52
Yea.... I remember being 21. At that age, the only way I wouldnt drink with my friends is if I didn't hang out with them. Sorry to here your parents kicked you out. IMO a kid should be able to stay in his home while they need to, which leads me to think that something may have happened for them to ask you to leave.
Only advice I have is stay sober, if you have other friends that dont drink, hang with them when people come to the house your staying at, or maybe go to a movie or something.
Good luck
Only advice I have is stay sober, if you have other friends that dont drink, hang with them when people come to the house your staying at, or maybe go to a movie or something.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Edmonton, Alberta.
Posts: 398
Hello SS,
I'm very sorry to hear of your troubles and have read through some of your previous posts also, so have an idea of the context.
Relationships usually end (regardless of the amount of pain this causes!) because they should. Even if this man came back to you today, considering all that has happened since then would you really want him back? Really? As Tom Waits says: 'you can't unring a bell'. From all you have written here and previously, it seems that you are 'romanticising some pain that's in your head' (some Joni for you). This is something I do if I'm not careful, and it is one sure way to lead me back to just saying 'oh, f**k it', and drinking.
Your life won't be ruined by your parents kicking you out, the end of a relationship,or even by the death of loved ones. All of these things may be hard to deal with but won't kill you. If you are an alcoholic, your life will be ruined by drinking, if you let it.
You've posted here a fair bit but don't seem to have a plan or program of action to start dealing with alcohol issues. You may be playing with fire here and I would hate to see you still posting in the same vein in 5 years time.
One thing I know: If you are serious about quitting permanently, you are going to have to make some changes in yourself and DO something.
I hope you find a way through all this SS.
SM
I'm very sorry to hear of your troubles and have read through some of your previous posts also, so have an idea of the context.
Relationships usually end (regardless of the amount of pain this causes!) because they should. Even if this man came back to you today, considering all that has happened since then would you really want him back? Really? As Tom Waits says: 'you can't unring a bell'. From all you have written here and previously, it seems that you are 'romanticising some pain that's in your head' (some Joni for you). This is something I do if I'm not careful, and it is one sure way to lead me back to just saying 'oh, f**k it', and drinking.
Your life won't be ruined by your parents kicking you out, the end of a relationship,or even by the death of loved ones. All of these things may be hard to deal with but won't kill you. If you are an alcoholic, your life will be ruined by drinking, if you let it.
You've posted here a fair bit but don't seem to have a plan or program of action to start dealing with alcohol issues. You may be playing with fire here and I would hate to see you still posting in the same vein in 5 years time.
One thing I know: If you are serious about quitting permanently, you are going to have to make some changes in yourself and DO something.
I hope you find a way through all this SS.
SM
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Hi,
Maybe it's easy for you to stay sober when you're happy, but for me, I had to learn how to stay sober when I wasn't happy. Life is full of ups and downs, and us addicts have to learn to deal with life, without numbing our feelings.
I hope you keep reading and posting.
Maybe it's easy for you to stay sober when you're happy, but for me, I had to learn how to stay sober when I wasn't happy. Life is full of ups and downs, and us addicts have to learn to deal with life, without numbing our feelings.
I hope you keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Anna is so right....when things go well we can take a different view. this relationship that you want so badly is not happening, it's not your fault...but you have to save yourself....because he certainly won't.....remember that....you wake up and have to live with yourself....he doesn't care enough to take an interest but that is HIS problem, not yours.
make peace with your family I hope....what happened to your counciling and rehab? living in a strange house with people who party hard won't assist you in your long-term goal and by the time school starts again, you can either have a sober 2 months or a drunken haze and try to function with that....it's your choice.
be thankful that you have a way out, make aplan and get the real help you are asking for....you CAN get past this, and believe me, he is not worth your pain.
best vibes to you....
make peace with your family I hope....what happened to your counciling and rehab? living in a strange house with people who party hard won't assist you in your long-term goal and by the time school starts again, you can either have a sober 2 months or a drunken haze and try to function with that....it's your choice.
be thankful that you have a way out, make aplan and get the real help you are asking for....you CAN get past this, and believe me, he is not worth your pain.
best vibes to you....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: north carolina
Posts: 74
Sorry you are having a tough go of things. For me, drinking started as something when celebrating, I turned to it more when things were bad to dull the pain, and eventually it was just something I did, regardless of how happy or unhappy I was with everything else.
You are young, and life will have many ups and downs, long after you've forgotten about the breakup with this loser (facebook - seriously?). Learning to deal with these ups and downs without being self-destructive would be an important step forward. Please try to get to some counseling or rehab or something. If you can't do it now for financial or other reasons, start working on a plan towards that goal in a few months time. I wish I would have sought some help when I was your age - I would have skipped a lot of pain.
You are young, and life will have many ups and downs, long after you've forgotten about the breakup with this loser (facebook - seriously?). Learning to deal with these ups and downs without being self-destructive would be an important step forward. Please try to get to some counseling or rehab or something. If you can't do it now for financial or other reasons, start working on a plan towards that goal in a few months time. I wish I would have sought some help when I was your age - I would have skipped a lot of pain.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
One of the things I learned in recovery is how to stay sober when I'm unhappy. I hope you find a better place to stay..but as they say, wherever you go..there you are. Its up to you to decide how the rest of your life goes, you're the architect of this one life..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Boston, MA (Mattapan) Legit ghetto but I love it
Posts: 174
I did go to rehab but it was only three days. It was at a mental hospital type place and it honestly really wasn't that helpful. it was more of a detox program...which wasn't really what I needed but there was a lot of counseling and AA and such apart of it. And they gave me a treatment plan and I have follow ups so that's all well and good I suppose.
I am home for the night right now because I have family therapy tomorrow. This will be our first session all together. I am hoping I can get my parents to let me move back home even if it means paying half the rent or something... we just kind of got into a huge blow up and I was angry and they really didn't agree with the rehab thing and that was part of it but it's a lot of things. We have a lot of pretty heavy issues to work out. My parents are good people but they've both have been to hell and back. (My Mom more then my Step Dad)
Anyway, I guess I have a lot of clarity about myself. Or that's what people keep telling me, that I'm a hell of a lot smarter than I am acting and that my problems come from a lack of caring about myself, not a lack of realization that what I'm doing is stupid/wrong etc. They say that's a good things to have.
I have a straight edge friend who I could move in with for a while if I needed to. I'd just feel weird about it because he's kind of got a thing for me and has for a long time and while we've kept it strictly friends (which is what I want and need right now) I know he wants it to be something more and I'm not sure how that would work out... I guess we will have to see how this goes.
I am in a lot of therapy right now so...headed in the right direction. And we all have relapses right? I mean I'm not saying drinking wasn't really stupid but...I'm trying not to beat myself up TOO much. I don't think many people get it on the first try...
I'm starting to gain some acceptence for the whole break up thing, I talked a lot about that in the therapy I've been in and they think I'm sort of transferring some of my feelings from losing my brother (and others) into losing this relationship with Ryan. It's probably true and something I think I already knew (My real Dad left before I was born and then my first step Dad left in I was 7 or 8ish) but anyways I won't bore you all with those details because I can do that in therapy.
(By the way I hope everyone here is doing well, I've missed you guys/the internet in that past couple of weeks or however long its been)
I am home for the night right now because I have family therapy tomorrow. This will be our first session all together. I am hoping I can get my parents to let me move back home even if it means paying half the rent or something... we just kind of got into a huge blow up and I was angry and they really didn't agree with the rehab thing and that was part of it but it's a lot of things. We have a lot of pretty heavy issues to work out. My parents are good people but they've both have been to hell and back. (My Mom more then my Step Dad)
Anyway, I guess I have a lot of clarity about myself. Or that's what people keep telling me, that I'm a hell of a lot smarter than I am acting and that my problems come from a lack of caring about myself, not a lack of realization that what I'm doing is stupid/wrong etc. They say that's a good things to have.
I have a straight edge friend who I could move in with for a while if I needed to. I'd just feel weird about it because he's kind of got a thing for me and has for a long time and while we've kept it strictly friends (which is what I want and need right now) I know he wants it to be something more and I'm not sure how that would work out... I guess we will have to see how this goes.
I am in a lot of therapy right now so...headed in the right direction. And we all have relapses right? I mean I'm not saying drinking wasn't really stupid but...I'm trying not to beat myself up TOO much. I don't think many people get it on the first try...
I'm starting to gain some acceptence for the whole break up thing, I talked a lot about that in the therapy I've been in and they think I'm sort of transferring some of my feelings from losing my brother (and others) into losing this relationship with Ryan. It's probably true and something I think I already knew (My real Dad left before I was born and then my first step Dad left in I was 7 or 8ish) but anyways I won't bore you all with those details because I can do that in therapy.
(By the way I hope everyone here is doing well, I've missed you guys/the internet in that past couple of weeks or however long its been)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I've done both....i could find any reason to drink, happy or sad, i am an equal opportunity drinker.....the reasons weren't important, sucking down the alcohol was.
SS I hope you get to go home to your family, that seems to be the most stable place for you...I am sorry about your brother and unfortunately there is no time limit on feeling grief.....but it will feel better in time.
SS I hope you get to go home to your family, that seems to be the most stable place for you...I am sorry about your brother and unfortunately there is no time limit on feeling grief.....but it will feel better in time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
SS, glad you posted and I hope you get to that better place.
Relapse is about accepting and learning from it. We can get or stay sober but without positive change within and around us......we will always seem to be grasping at recovery.
Huggs to you and all you are going through.
We all have a faced problems in our lives while drinking and while sober. I didn't really begin recovery until I relapsed and got sober for me. I had to relearn how to live life without alcohol, stop beating myself up for the past and begin to accept and love me for me. I could finger point my messed up childhood, taunting in my school days, pressures of work and toxic 1st marriage and even the painful divorce. Heck, lets through genetics in there too. Point is.....in my darkest hour with no ray of light.....I said NO MORE. Dumped the booze and got into recovery for real. Nothing will erase my past but I have so much to live for today. I love me. My recovery is will continue for the rest of my life and I have learned there is no other who can make change for me but me.
We will never fully get sober if we keep looking for the perfect situation. We do it when we do it for us. This is how we will handle the ups and downs that life will continue to give us. Just hang on tight my friend.
Hang in there and keep with the counseling. That is good stuff there and it helps us understand ourselves.
All the best.
Relapse is about accepting and learning from it. We can get or stay sober but without positive change within and around us......we will always seem to be grasping at recovery.
Huggs to you and all you are going through.
We all have a faced problems in our lives while drinking and while sober. I didn't really begin recovery until I relapsed and got sober for me. I had to relearn how to live life without alcohol, stop beating myself up for the past and begin to accept and love me for me. I could finger point my messed up childhood, taunting in my school days, pressures of work and toxic 1st marriage and even the painful divorce. Heck, lets through genetics in there too. Point is.....in my darkest hour with no ray of light.....I said NO MORE. Dumped the booze and got into recovery for real. Nothing will erase my past but I have so much to live for today. I love me. My recovery is will continue for the rest of my life and I have learned there is no other who can make change for me but me.
We will never fully get sober if we keep looking for the perfect situation. We do it when we do it for us. This is how we will handle the ups and downs that life will continue to give us. Just hang on tight my friend.
Hang in there and keep with the counseling. That is good stuff there and it helps us understand ourselves.
All the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Boston, MA (Mattapan) Legit ghetto but I love it
Posts: 174
Sorry it’s been a few days since I updated I’ve been busy.
My treatment plan is pretty intensive. I’m in a partial hospitalization program Monday-Friday from 9 AM until 3 PM. I see a therapist on Saturday as well. The partial program is dual-diagnosis. Depression and Alcoholism so it focuses on both things… it include individual therapy, group therapy, AA, self esteem building, art therapy and family therapy. I go to group and individual every day, and I’m on a 90 meetings in 90 days program. Every time I go to a meeting I have to fill out a work sheet about how I felt, what I identified with etc and then we discuss them in group and such. They’re focusing a lot more on the alcohol part of my problem right now but with my therapist I’ve focusing more on depression… and greif conseling. I have some pretty heavy abandonment issues and I’m trying to get to the root of those… my shrink thinks I turn all my anger inward instead of directing it at the people who deserve it, like my ex and is extremely concerned because he think I am extremely suseptipale to being an absusive relationship… so I have a hell of a lot to work on.
I’m pretty… well just sad right now. I miss him. I don’t know why I just do. Lately I’ve just felt so empty and hopeless and like nothing matters. I want to figure out what I want for me that doesn’t involve another person. I’m suppose to make a list of 25 things Iike about myself but so far I’m not having much luck.
For as long as I can remember I've avoided pain. I don't let myself think about it. I distract myself with work or with something else, anything else so I don't truly have to deal with the pain. Right now I'm trying to find the courage to truly stand up to my demons and defeat them so I can be in a happier and healthier place without that happiness coming from a source other than myself.
My treatment plan is pretty intensive. I’m in a partial hospitalization program Monday-Friday from 9 AM until 3 PM. I see a therapist on Saturday as well. The partial program is dual-diagnosis. Depression and Alcoholism so it focuses on both things… it include individual therapy, group therapy, AA, self esteem building, art therapy and family therapy. I go to group and individual every day, and I’m on a 90 meetings in 90 days program. Every time I go to a meeting I have to fill out a work sheet about how I felt, what I identified with etc and then we discuss them in group and such. They’re focusing a lot more on the alcohol part of my problem right now but with my therapist I’ve focusing more on depression… and greif conseling. I have some pretty heavy abandonment issues and I’m trying to get to the root of those… my shrink thinks I turn all my anger inward instead of directing it at the people who deserve it, like my ex and is extremely concerned because he think I am extremely suseptipale to being an absusive relationship… so I have a hell of a lot to work on.
I’m pretty… well just sad right now. I miss him. I don’t know why I just do. Lately I’ve just felt so empty and hopeless and like nothing matters. I want to figure out what I want for me that doesn’t involve another person. I’m suppose to make a list of 25 things Iike about myself but so far I’m not having much luck.
For as long as I can remember I've avoided pain. I don't let myself think about it. I distract myself with work or with something else, anything else so I don't truly have to deal with the pain. Right now I'm trying to find the courage to truly stand up to my demons and defeat them so I can be in a happier and healthier place without that happiness coming from a source other than myself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Someone,
It sounds like a good plan. Give it all you've got! You will make progress but at times it may seem to be slowly. The healing process is slow but sure. So, I'm so happy to see you taking positive action!
Do keep us posted. I'm so proud of you for getting this help. It will change your life for the better in so many ways.
Much love,
Lenina
It sounds like a good plan. Give it all you've got! You will make progress but at times it may seem to be slowly. The healing process is slow but sure. So, I'm so happy to see you taking positive action!
Do keep us posted. I'm so proud of you for getting this help. It will change your life for the better in so many ways.
Much love,
Lenina
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi Someone - I'm glad you're getting a lot of help right now. Take advantage of it and just focus on you for the time being. You can turn your life around and begin to live again. I had underlying depression as well, but it wasn't until I stopped drinking that they could treat me and address it properly.
All the best to you as you start on this new journey! Let us know how it goes.
All the best to you as you start on this new journey! Let us know how it goes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
I am glad to see your update and man....I so can identify with holding things in and carrying on. I did that and is one of the things I am working on. Before I started drinking....I was direct and had a "life is what you make it attitude" but somewheres along the line (probably stemming from years of my mom venting her issues on me) I began holding everything in and adopting this attitude that there was something wrong with me. I have been working on that in counseling. I used to drink to forget all that I was holding in and in sobriety....I have accepted that I am not responsible for the happiness and lives of others. I can offer help and try but I must come first.
Keep going SS and your treatment plan seems to be right on track!! Quitting wasn't as much of the problem for me....it was what was lying underneath.....driving me to it.
Huggs girl...keep posting
Keep going SS and your treatment plan seems to be right on track!! Quitting wasn't as much of the problem for me....it was what was lying underneath.....driving me to it.
Huggs girl...keep posting
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
