lucybooz

i am the mother of a 43 year old alcoholic. he is out on his own making mistake after mistake. he's been in and out of rehab treatment centers (all non-cost places) i'd say at least 5 times - some more than once. he stays for just so long and then gets tired of the "living conditions", gets employment and he decides to go "out on his own". each and every time he goes out on his own he's back in the gutter in no more than 2 weeks. he just can't do it on his own.

my question is this. he's going thru a spell now where he is sounding desperate for help and he claims he CAN'T get any help from anyplace. do these rehab centers continue to take people back who never finish the program and just stay awhile and then leave? that's what i'm thinking when he says, "noone will give me the help i need".

he's used and abused probably most anyone he's come in contact with. he doesn't pay his bills, and i could go on and on but anyone reading this probably understands EXACTLY what i mean.

he tells me "he needs MY help"!!!!! there is absolutely NOTHING i can do to help him anymore. i told him to try to find an aa meeting and ask around if anyone there could give him someone/someplace to contact for help. he has no phone service (pawned for about the 100th time), and just uses the computer at the local library. that is the only contact i've had with him - e-mails.

i'm thinking he's burned so many bridges that perhaps there is NOONE who WILL WANT TO help him anymore.

how do these places operate? will they turn down those who have walked out before or do they operate under the assumption that they are there for help no matter how many times the alcoholic falls down?

he also said he needs to go to detox. he's been to detox before and i don't understand why he can't go again.

someone PLEASE help me understand this "help" thing.

lucy

catlovermi

There will NEVER be a time when AA will refuse him. They may get tough with him, and call him on his areas of denial/unwillingness, but they will never refuse him their program. They may not offer to be his sponsor until they believe he's willing to do whatever it takes to get sober, but they will never refuse him their program.

They can help him figure out what to do, to get help, if he really wants it.

So, you are officially off the hook, good job!

Sending encouragement,

CLMI

smacked

You, my dear, aren't qualified to help him. I think you know that.. and I'm sure it goes against most of your motherly instincts to reinforce this with him (and yourself).

The help you CAN provide, is turning him over to the folks who are qualified..

I don't know if rehabs refuse people after 'failed' attempts.. Maybe they do, I'm not sure.

Like CLMI said, AA never will. Never ever ever.. and the experienced and kind folks there, can point him in the right direction.

You are not an addiction specialist, but there's lots of folks who are.

He can go to any ER for detox.

It sounds like he's whining about the NATURAL consequences of his actions, which are important for him to experience.

Stay strong, mama!

lucybooz

i think his main problem is he has no phone. i just got an e-mail from my son and he tells me he must first be seen by a psychiatrist to see if he has depression and only then can he be taken into "detox", and then a rehab center. he "claims" they changed their protocol. i don't understand why they told him that but didn't tell him how to go about doing that. you can't just walk in off the street and ask to see a psychiatrist!!!!! not to mention i'm sure he hasn't a dime to his name. i told him to ask to use someone's phone and call to see exactly what he must do and how - it would be a local call.

i e-mailed him numbers to call for aa and the alcohol treatment center (that was a 800 #).

more than that i can't do!!!!!!! it's just mess after mess after mess, and i'm so over it all!!!!!

don't get me wrong - i love my son, i truly do, but this is totally ridiculous, all these years of this drama, and it all ends the same way - every time.

lucy

Learn2Live

If he has been in rehab before, he knows EXACTLY where to get the help he needs and he knows it is NOT his mother!!! If you have to "help" him, look up the phone number of his local A.A. and email him that. Don't fall for the, "You're the only one who can help me" ploy!

Jazzman

I hear the Salvation Army will take anyone in that wants to work a program of recovery.

Freedom1990

He's managed to get an e-mail to you, but having no phone is a problem?

I'd take his story about detox and the 'changed' protocol with a grain of salt.

AA is free and never turns anyone down.

SoloMio

Yes, I don't know an alcoholic who had no recourse at all. My AB knows the system down to a science, and he's been to dozens of detox facilities, hospitals, you name it. He also qualifies as an Army veteran (don't ask me how--he has a dishonorable discharge for just going MIA), so the Veteran's Administration has been an incredible lifeline.

I also did some volunteer work at the Bowery Mission in NYC.. it was fabulous--you undergo an interview in order to become a "resident" and at that point, you get a safe haven while working as part of the community in volunteer service and also working on your recovery.

Not sure if there's anything like that where you live, but the point is, there is no shortage of resources for the willing soul.

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

I think his main problem is that he's an alcoholic and apparently hasn't hit a bottom yet. You, otoh, seem to be handling it all quite well. Good work!

lucybooz

everyone who replied is right!!!!!! i see it now - instead of talking about "reasons to get help", he's just giving excuses "to not get help".

my guess is that even if he would enter a rehab center today, it would be for the wrong reasons yet again.

i'm so very glad i've never had to PAY for his past rehab experiences. what a waste of money that would have been. until he goes to rehab FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, it will always be a waste. so sad!!!!!!!

lucy

Learn2Live

I'm no mindreader but it sounds like he has been using rehab as a soft place to land.

Freedom1990

My 32 year old AD grew up around the rooms of AA since she was eight years old, when I went through a 30 day inpatient rehab.

She's seen my own long-term recovery.

She checked into a rehab years ago, but that was only because a warrant was issued on her for a parole violation because she'd been popped with a dirty UA. She thought going to rehab would 'look good'.

She got kicked out. She thought it was a bed and breakfast, and she should be able to sleep as late as she wanted every day.

She's had drug/alcohol evals, and knows just enough to lie about so that it looks like she doesn't have drug/alcohol problems.

She goes to counseling (court-ordered) but just goes through the motions. It certainly isn't for any self-improvement.

She'll go to a local church on Sundays, then turn around and sell her Xanax on week days for extra cash.

I don't think she will ever seek recovery, and I'm okay with that.

My life is full and rich despite what she does with her life.

I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.

You're doing great! We can love them, but we don't have to buy into their BS.

:ghug3

lucybooz

AMEN!!!!!!!!!

freedom - i love your puppies!!!!!!! we have 3 dogs, 3 cats, AND a turtle!!!!!

as for the pets - TRULY UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FROM THEM!!!!!!!

Still Waters

There is NO other ailment that has more help (and free at that) available than alcoholism.

None.

Freedom1990

Thank you! I'm going to have to do a new signature picture because baby Ku'a is growing like a weed. Oh...my...God, do puppies ever require a lot of attention and energy!

She thinks it's funny to wait until I get in the shower, and then she drags off the bath mat!

Life is certainly not dull at this house, and I have a kitty crew too!