Codependence and a propensity for being abused?
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Codependence and a propensity for being abused?
Deeeeeep Thoughts, by NoDayBut2Day...
I've been living with my parents now for almost 10 months after having left XAH. I notice that both of them have some codependent tendencies though they don't seem to drown in it the way I have. They both will sometimes go out of their way to help someone, but there is a limit to that kindness, and there's a point where they're both unafraid to slam the door and walk away.
I, on the other hand, struggled for many years/still struggle with saying NO, perhaps because I thought I needed to be accepted, to be popular, etc. In a very real sense, I sublimated my boundaries in order to be liked. I remember as a child wanting so much to be accepted by the other children, who rejected me for being "ugly" (I had massive eczema) or a "halfbreed" (I'm half viet). I was often lonely and felt inadequate.
When I was 14, I was molested by my physiotherapist who was treating my back paralysis. I don't remember much about the actual abuse (can you say "repression"?), except I remember thinking to myself when the touching go out of hand that "good girls just shut up, smile and don't make trouble, no matter what". Then he did what he did, and I was left with some rather important emotional scars.
When I was 15, my best friend got herself an older boyfriend who was quite interested in bedding her. She was still a virgin and rather afraid, so she threw him my way. I was so desperate to be accepted and thought that the road to popularity, especially in an all-girl school, was having an older boyfriend, so I gave in. This boy would have us involved in group make-out sessions, would invite his older friends to partake, and would instruct us about how women "should behave" sexually. I won't go into details, but the gist of it was "sublimate yourself to the man's satisfaction, no matter what".
In any case, here I am, a good 15 years later, looking back on my past relationships, and realizing that this boy's "instructions"--along with my seemingly inherent codependence, really permeated my take on sexuality as well as relationships. My *role* was to be the saviour and to grin and bear it whenever the going go tough. Obviously, this attitude got me into worlds of trouble...
What I'm wondering is this: do you think that being codependent make one a "natural" victim, more likely to suffer abuse at the hands of those who "naturally" prey on the weak?
I don't want to change what happened to me, because I'm finding myself a better and stronger person for having gone through it and learned from it, but I wish I could understand the hows and whys of it all...I'm seeing someone new, who seems to come from an entirely different planet than the Codie World I've been living on. I have however run into remnants of my past relationship habits and I'm trying to figure out how to work through them.
Your input is much appreciated
I've been living with my parents now for almost 10 months after having left XAH. I notice that both of them have some codependent tendencies though they don't seem to drown in it the way I have. They both will sometimes go out of their way to help someone, but there is a limit to that kindness, and there's a point where they're both unafraid to slam the door and walk away.
I, on the other hand, struggled for many years/still struggle with saying NO, perhaps because I thought I needed to be accepted, to be popular, etc. In a very real sense, I sublimated my boundaries in order to be liked. I remember as a child wanting so much to be accepted by the other children, who rejected me for being "ugly" (I had massive eczema) or a "halfbreed" (I'm half viet). I was often lonely and felt inadequate.
When I was 14, I was molested by my physiotherapist who was treating my back paralysis. I don't remember much about the actual abuse (can you say "repression"?), except I remember thinking to myself when the touching go out of hand that "good girls just shut up, smile and don't make trouble, no matter what". Then he did what he did, and I was left with some rather important emotional scars.
When I was 15, my best friend got herself an older boyfriend who was quite interested in bedding her. She was still a virgin and rather afraid, so she threw him my way. I was so desperate to be accepted and thought that the road to popularity, especially in an all-girl school, was having an older boyfriend, so I gave in. This boy would have us involved in group make-out sessions, would invite his older friends to partake, and would instruct us about how women "should behave" sexually. I won't go into details, but the gist of it was "sublimate yourself to the man's satisfaction, no matter what".
In any case, here I am, a good 15 years later, looking back on my past relationships, and realizing that this boy's "instructions"--along with my seemingly inherent codependence, really permeated my take on sexuality as well as relationships. My *role* was to be the saviour and to grin and bear it whenever the going go tough. Obviously, this attitude got me into worlds of trouble...
What I'm wondering is this: do you think that being codependent make one a "natural" victim, more likely to suffer abuse at the hands of those who "naturally" prey on the weak?
I don't want to change what happened to me, because I'm finding myself a better and stronger person for having gone through it and learned from it, but I wish I could understand the hows and whys of it all...I'm seeing someone new, who seems to come from an entirely different planet than the Codie World I've been living on. I have however run into remnants of my past relationship habits and I'm trying to figure out how to work through them.
Your input is much appreciated
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Yes.. I believe being codependent has the propensity to make us the victim.... and being the victim furthers our codependency.
I just started reading "Codependent No More" and I read a paragraph and I have to set it down... it's a punch in the gut... It really, really hurts.
I realize that my role models were crazy and the lists I'm reading.... most every line item applies to me... I'm sad, I'm sickened and I'm relieved to finally understand the depth of my sickness.
Now that I have the knowledge...it's up to me to change me.
Yes... I've placated to people to be accepted and I always thought I was a strong individual... I could take care of me attitude... when in fact... I've just been a house of cards... falling down every time someone nudged at my foundation.
I just started reading "Codependent No More" and I read a paragraph and I have to set it down... it's a punch in the gut... It really, really hurts.
I realize that my role models were crazy and the lists I'm reading.... most every line item applies to me... I'm sad, I'm sickened and I'm relieved to finally understand the depth of my sickness.
Now that I have the knowledge...it's up to me to change me.
Yes... I've placated to people to be accepted and I always thought I was a strong individual... I could take care of me attitude... when in fact... I've just been a house of cards... falling down every time someone nudged at my foundation.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day 
I remember as a child wanting so much to be accepted by the other children, who rejected me for being "ugly" (I had massive eczema) or a "halfbreed" (I'm half viet). I was often lonely and felt inadequate.
Like you, I wanted so much to be accepted, and felt lonely and inadequate.
I was never molested, but had a close call when my grandmother took me with her to visit a friend of hers, and while I was outside playing, her friend's husband came out and tried to get me to pull down my underpants. I got scared, ran inside, and told my grandma. She never took me over there again.
I was raped in my early 20's when I was walking home from a bar one night, and a guy pulled up and offered me a ride.
I didn't deal with that until I was pregnant with Amber, had a complete emotional breakdown and ended up in a women's program in the psych ward for 2 weeks. Because a lot of the other women I was in there with had also been raped/sexually abused, that came to the surface. I'm glad it did.
As for being a natural victim as you describe, all I know is my past experiences and feelings from childhood on colored the decisions I made for a long time. I didn't understand boundaries, I didn't understand that I had rights, I lived in painful dysfunction. I definitely had a pattern with the men I picked.
:ghug3
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
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What I'm wondering is this: do you think that being codependent make one a "natural" victim, more likely to suffer abuse at the hands of those who "naturally" prey on the weak?
I'm not so sure the why of it (what caused the codependency) is as important as the fixing part.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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I think it is important to say that no matter what type of personality we have or if we are prone to be codependent, that it is still the fault of the abuser! You were a child and not even an adult. Your codependency is NOT to blame for you being abused. It is the fault of the abusers. It is like saying that a women in a sexy outfit that is hanging out in bad areas is just asking to be raped. It is still not her fault. Sure, we all have bad judgement and make mistakes with choices we make, but no one deserves to be abused for it. The responsibility of abuse falls totally on the abuser's shoulders in my opinion. What happened to you even if you had codependent tendencies is not your fault. You are not weak and the situations that you mentioned you were a child and the first situation he was an adult pedifile who was taking advantage of a young child. That is inexcuseable! No one codependent or not should be abused, period.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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I don't believe in fault-finding. I do believe in accepting my past and what happened for what it is, learning something from it, and moving on. Yes, I believe that codependence makes you more vulnerable to abuse of all kinds. The way out of codependence is thru independence. The less dependent you are on others, the less you have to put up with from others. I am 100% independent and I take no $hit off anyone anymore. I was sexually molested by multiple people my entire childhood thru age 19, I have been beaten by BFs, cheated on, used, taken advantage of time and again. No more. I am glad you have your parents who can support you right now so you can work toward your independence without being beholden to some man.
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