LiOVE

I found this site while google-ing things about recovery. I'm already glad I found it! I've been sitting in front of the computer for the past 2 hours reading post after post. I relate with so much of what I've read which is a nice change since I've been hiding my boyfriend of 5 years heroin addiction from amost everyone in my life.

He just recently went into treatment, like a real treatment. No more "I'm going to do it on my own" program. I'm so happy for him and everything he is doing. I have tried for years (unsuccesfuly), to help him get sober. He moved to another state for about 10 months and was sober, when he came back home almost instantly he started using. It was like all his months of sobriety went out the window and he just became the person he was before. The last few years of my life with him have been so hard, I like to refer to myself as a sober addict, I've been suffering from addiction (his addiction) without ever doing drugs. I've watched his life fall apart, and couldn't help but feel like it was happening to me. I relalize now that I may be "codepenent", I dont like that term but I read a list of common codependency traits and if I had to highlight the things that I've done or felt the whole page would be yellow!

After the last time I spoke to him and he suggested in the nicest possible way that maybe I should go to a NarAnon meeting, I decided I would do look it up first so I knew what I was in for! I was very skeptical about it at first, It made me feel like he thought something was wrong with me like I was the one who needed "treatment". After I read about it, I looked up the nearest place by me for a meeting and put a reminder in my blackberry of when to go! Maybe it will help me and that will help us? Any insight from anyone who has experience with anything simliar would like to give I would LOVE to hear. Thanks.

Spiritual Seeker

Al-anon/ Nar-anon - either one and comb. of both as they are interchangeable.
There is something wrong w/ you.
Go and work the 12 steps through these programs to "FOCUS Only on YOUR part"

You must change or will take the problems to the next relationship or back to this one.
Let him get well on his own. It is insanity that "U have tried for years -unsuccessfully- to help him get sober. "
Now it is time to see that U are powerless over him and his addiction and see where you do have power- to change yourself, whether he maintains sobriety or not.
If he gets sober and you don't do your own work, there is little room for you to truly be joyful.

Get busy changing the things you can.

coffeedrinker

This is a tough realization. We have often spent so long focusing on the addict, and seeing that clearly, he/she is unwell, that we get some of our good feelings from being the "normal" or "good" or "healthy" or "sane" one.

The truth is, that we too have an illness of sorts, an affliction if you will. If we did not, we would never be so deeply involved with the significant other/addict.

Please keep coming to this site. And follow through with that Naranon meeting. You will sit in a room with others who COMPLETELY understand the compulsion, the love, the heartache, you feel due to the relationship you have with him.

keepinon

I truly felt like I was dying when I went to my 1st meeting. By the time I left it felt lke a boulder had been lifted off me...I felt like I could breathe for the first time in a long while. They said.. you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Someone else added that you can't contribute to it.
I was sick in every way possible..I too felt like there was nothing wrong with me, it was my daughter who had the problem! I have learned alot about addiction, codependency, and how to deal with people in a mature, loving way. These meetings can provide some much needed sanity for you.. let us know how it goes!

Freedom1990

Addiction is a family disease. It affects everyone involved with the addict.

Naranon/Alanon are 12 step programs that provide support for the loved ones of addicts.

To better help you understand why it's important for you to have a program too, I'll give you an illustration.

Imagine a baby mobile hanging above a crib. It has all these objects hanging from it in various places, and it's balanced.

One of those objects is the addict, the rest are family and friends of the addict.

The addict is doing his/her own thing, and everyone else has their 'role' in life that keeps that mobile balanced.

Now the addict finds recovery, so cut the object representing the addict away from the mobile.

You've got an unbalanced mobile tipping wildly, trying to achieve balance, but it can't because the addict has stepped into a different role (recovery), and no one else knows what their role in life is now! Everyone is 'off balance', if you will.

Naranon/Alanon gives us the opportunity to change our roles in life, to begin looking at at the damage that active addiction has created in our lives, and begin to heal.

Balance is restored.

Make any sense?

Chino

Freedom, I love analogies and that was perfect, thanks!

LiOVE,

If it helps any, codependency is not considered a personality/identity disorder by the psychiatric community. It's learned behaviors and can be unlearned, but it takes lots of work especially if we've had those behaviors a long time.

I have learned, though, that these behaviors can be part of an actual personality/identity disorder. I've also learned that simply being aware of our codie behaviors and doing the work to change them, positively changes everything about our lives. Acceptance is key

LiOVE

Thank you all for your input. I'm going to my first NarAnon meeting tomorrow morning. I feel very anxious about it. I'm trying to be optimistic though. I hope it's helpful, I really want it to be helpful.