KeepingItReal

This is so hard. I can't stop crying. Part of me wishes I could take it all back and just try to accept and deal with the drinking. That level of miserableness was better than what I feel now. Maybe the alcohol use wasn't even really an issue. Maybe she's right, maybe I am crazy. It was only bad because I made it bad. I didn't love her unconditionally. I gave up. I suck.

I don't want to see her. I don't want to hear her. I don't want to smell her. I know the 3 C's, but right now I feel like she chose alcohol over me...that I wasn't enough. My heart is broken.

lulu1974

I have been there. This is the bargaining stage. You are not crazy and if you went back nothing would change. Going through the separation is a process and I am so sorry you are in soo much pain. But I promise you it does get better. Keep coming here and surround yourself with as much help as you can to make it thru and come over to the other side...We are the happy side.

You know in your gut something is wrong. Going back would feel good temporarily abd then go back to what it really is. Hold on. Read Alanon books, go to meetings, come here.

We are always here..
Hugs
Lulu

KeepingItReal

Well, I don't like this stage at all.

I went to church today, hadn't been in a very long while. The message was about love and forgiveness. Very appropriate for where I am right now. I know things will get better. I'm holding on.

spinwc

I am sorry you are in pain. I know exactly how you feel and it sucks..bad. It will pass. Keep posting, venting and reading. It really helps.

FreeingMyself

I completely understand these feelings - and have felt the same thing.....but I found the place where I have nothing left...my bottom with this relationship and that has helped me almost be void of feeling. The end of a relationship is so difficult, but when I think about what life would be like if I stayed in it....then I realize quickly that I had no choice because that life was killing my spirit, the person I am. Hang in there.....

gingercharlie

I know EXACTLY how you feel, I'm there right now.

All I can say for now is keep posting, it really, really, REALLY helps.

((HUG))

posiesperson

Hi KIR,

Yes, it sucks. Hang in there, you can do this but some of those waves are just so, so intense. It gets better, so that when the waves come they're not so overwhelming.

It helps me to get to an Alanon meeting, post/read here, call a friend, read my list of "what I don't miss about her", take a walk, read a novel, journal, pray, stretch, watch a favorite movie, vacuum, groom the flowerbeds, etc., etc., etc.

When I feel the way you're describing it's so easy to talk myself in very painful circles. Try to be kind to yourself, gentle thoughts, gentle words...just like you would treat a friend. Be a good friend to yourself. You can always go back and look at those messages about her drinking and what was happening in the relationship when you're feeling better...or maybe you won't need to. It's all a process!

Oh--and tears are a wonderful healer. I always feel better after a really good cry, like a cleansing rain.

Hugs and encouraging thoughts,
posie

mrphillipctrs1

It will get better.

Make a plan, to put one foot in front of the other. My plan is Al Anon, CNM and God and coming to SR whenever I need too. This is the best place on the planet and it is open 24/7!

transformyself

Give yourself time to grieve, time to heal. I hated being where you are right now, but I spent myself in that stage while stilling living with my AH. He too, told me I am the crazy one. That i was the one that made it bad. That I didn't love him.

They all have the same script. It's only getting away from them that gives us freedom. You need time to think, to feel, to have clarity.

here's an example of how it will get better:
I used to tangle wtih my AH, engage. Fight, try to explain, beg. It was so crazy!

Just tonight, he tried to say some crazy stuff to me. I had made him dinner for Fathers Day. The kids are at his place and I went over there.

Here's what happened:
AH: Unloads a bunch of resentment and crap on me
ME: I start to listen. Realize he's ******* crazy, and leave. "Goodbye AH," I said. "Gotta go."

I did not engage. I did not want to engage. I do not need to engage. I do not care anymore what he was trying to say or blame me for. I came home to MY house and got to work without thinking twice about it.

HE NO LONGER TAKES UP THAT SPACE IN MY HEAD.

You'll get there too. You may do so by complete NC or whatever works for you , but eventually you'll have freedom from the madness.

Welcome.