oshkoshberjosh

I have posted on a here a couple of times about a a friend/ romantic interest who has had a relapse and I have some suspicions he is still relapsing even though we have not discussed it in about 5 weeks. I helped him move into a new place on May 8th, and I was still in a relationship with someone else at that time so I decided to back off for awhile.

Now I am out of my other relationship and I need to confront him. I see him every day at work, and we have spent a little bit of time outside of work together lately.

Before he moved, he admitted to me that he had been using every friday night after work for the previous month or so, since his relapse into addiction started.

Today (Friday), we were supposed to do dinner and a movie after work. At lunch time, he starts scaling back the plans, reminding me about his need to decompress after a stressful week of work. So, I adjust and say maybe we can bring food to his place and just watch a movie instead so that he can have his alone time too.

By 3pm, he was telling me that it wasn't looking good for us doing anything tonight because he is very tired.

By 5pm, he completely cancels on me for the night.

This scenario has happened a couple of times now since he moved.
He said he has a need to decompress on Fridays after work and not be around people. But he was not like this before he relapsed.

I'd like to think that, living in a new place with new roomates, he wouldn't still be using, but I think this would be very naive of me to think. I know that I cannot apply logic to his addiction and that I will never understand it.

Am I being paranoid about this? I think he he is still getting high every Friday after work. Should I just come out and confront him on it?

oshkoshberjosh

Since his started using again in April, he was honest with me when I asked him a couple of times. But I suppose honesty only goes so far, once active addiction really sets in, all bets are off when it comes to being honest.

I have made no commitments to him regarding starting a relationship because I refuse to knowingly enter into a relationship with an active addict.

sailorjohn

coffeedrinker

it seems that you are still in turmoil, oshkosh, over this man.

it seems that you are involved with him, and clearly drawn to him, but also that your good sense wants to override the emotions, and make the right decision.

for the past two months you have known that he had a relapse that he has not yet recovered from. he doesn't keep relapsing, because that would suggest that he has been in remission .... which he clearly has not been.

you have said you will not be in relationship with an active addict. and that is wise. because these broken dates, broken promises, will surely continue - it's just part of the deal. i would suggest that you actually are in a relationship with him. i think you need to evaluate whether or not you want to continue the relationship you obviously have, and that means accepting him as he is, a non-recovering addict. saying you want something to be a certain way, but yet going against that, and behaving in a way that is in conflict with your own standards, can't feel very good.

i am not trying to be critical here. i'm just trying to lay things out the way i am hearing them. one of the beneficial things for me about coming to this board, is reading other people's words, articulating what is also going on in my life.

please reconsider confronting him. setting a boundary and communicating that to him, or telling him he cannot be in your life because of _____ and _____ is fine.

dollydo

Addicts lie, addicts tell half truths, that's what addicts do.

He is telling you something by his actions, watch them closely, there lies the truth.

Tread carefully, he is an addict, and, only doing what addicts do.