Should I tell his family he still drinks?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 47
Should I tell his family he still drinks?
My boyfriend's drinking seems to be progressing and I am concerned for his health and well-being. His mother passed away several years ago and his father has not been in the picture for years. It is really just he and his sister and some extended family. My question is: is it appropriate to tell family members that he is still drinking? I can tell from the family functions we attend that they all think he is sober. (he never drinks in front of them and rarely even drinks in front of me) And by hiding it from them, am I just enabling him to drink?
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
I told my ex's family that he picked up drinking again. They just shook their head and said they "hoped it wasn't true"...
My ex just found more excuses, denied AND lied even harder.
He's still drinking and they still know.
It's tough to be the one that knows the secret and in some cases it does make us the enabler... but ultimately it doesn't matter who says what to who... the alcoholic is the one that makes the ultimate and final decision.
Take care.
My ex just found more excuses, denied AND lied even harder.
He's still drinking and they still know.
It's tough to be the one that knows the secret and in some cases it does make us the enabler... but ultimately it doesn't matter who says what to who... the alcoholic is the one that makes the ultimate and final decision.
Take care.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
I guess it all depends on why you want to tell them. Or what you want to acomplish by telling them??
I mean if it came up in conversation, of course be honest. Are you looking for support? Like, he is still drinking and I don't know what to do?
I can tell you from my experience it doesn't really matter. Blood is thicker than water. Even after I told my IL's that AH had a very bad drinking problem and needed in-patient treatment and that I had moved out w/the kids.....they just kept on enabling him. They also told me that I was responcible for 40% of the problems in the marriage he was 60%. I know I wasn't perfect, but come on.
My AH's brother (a very well educated, respected profesional) basically told me that I was linked to his drinking..HA! That AH would be doing SO WELL (yah, well at hiding it) and then something would happen between us and he would start up again.
Can you say denial?
Any way it has taken my Il's almost 2 years and moving out of state to start to detatch.
I guess my point is don't set your expectations too high for their reactions. Unfortunately, that is the way it goes.
I mean if it came up in conversation, of course be honest. Are you looking for support? Like, he is still drinking and I don't know what to do?
I can tell you from my experience it doesn't really matter. Blood is thicker than water. Even after I told my IL's that AH had a very bad drinking problem and needed in-patient treatment and that I had moved out w/the kids.....they just kept on enabling him. They also told me that I was responcible for 40% of the problems in the marriage he was 60%. I know I wasn't perfect, but come on.
My AH's brother (a very well educated, respected profesional) basically told me that I was linked to his drinking..HA! That AH would be doing SO WELL (yah, well at hiding it) and then something would happen between us and he would start up again.
Can you say denial?
Any way it has taken my Il's almost 2 years and moving out of state to start to detatch.
I guess my point is don't set your expectations too high for their reactions. Unfortunately, that is the way it goes.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
My boyfriend's drinking seems to be progressing and I am concerned for his health and well-being. His mother passed away several years ago and his father has not been in the picture for years. It is really just he and his sister and some extended family.
Wow. You are describing my ex alkie BF.
When we were breaking up I also considered telling his dad. But - what for? I remember Ex DESPISED his father. If your end goal is to change him, it doesnt matter what you do or dont do-it wont work. If your end goal is to ease your conscience, no need to say anything, my bet would be ---- they already know. Are either in denial or have learned they can't cure him. You can't cure him either. No one else can cure alkies.
What is important is for you to find out which behaviors are unacceptable on a partner and be aware of them when they become a part of the picture. I thought I was ok with xabf. We drank together several times. After much suffering, 1.5 years later he not only arrives to work with a hangover only, he also arrives STILL drunk. Progression, denial, manipulation, showing different faces to different people, disrespect. None of that matches with love in my book. And yes I would say being part of someone else's addiction is enabling, when you already know it is a sick addiction, not just some social thing normal people enjoy sporadically. That is my humble opinion.
Hugs!
Wow. You are describing my ex alkie BF.
When we were breaking up I also considered telling his dad. But - what for? I remember Ex DESPISED his father. If your end goal is to change him, it doesnt matter what you do or dont do-it wont work. If your end goal is to ease your conscience, no need to say anything, my bet would be ---- they already know. Are either in denial or have learned they can't cure him. You can't cure him either. No one else can cure alkies.
What is important is for you to find out which behaviors are unacceptable on a partner and be aware of them when they become a part of the picture. I thought I was ok with xabf. We drank together several times. After much suffering, 1.5 years later he not only arrives to work with a hangover only, he also arrives STILL drunk. Progression, denial, manipulation, showing different faces to different people, disrespect. None of that matches with love in my book. And yes I would say being part of someone else's addiction is enabling, when you already know it is a sick addiction, not just some social thing normal people enjoy sporadically. That is my humble opinion.
Hugs!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Some suggestions...get thee to Alanon meetings.
Get yourself a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood is a good read too.
Read the 'sticky' posts at the top of this forum.
There isn't squat you can to do change him, but there is a lot you can do for yourself.
Get yourself a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood is a good read too.
Read the 'sticky' posts at the top of this forum.
There isn't squat you can to do change him, but there is a lot you can do for yourself.
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
Hi Star,
You could...but they will ultimately choose to believe what they believe. This is what has happened with my sister. It is painfully obvious that she is drunk / still drinking at family functions, but my parents deny it. They believe her fantastic lies and choose not to see the fact that she is an alcoholic not in recovery. It used to make me angry...but I've since stepped back because I've realized that I cannot control their beliefs / actions / behavior any more than I can control my sister's drinking.
Anvil is right...what outcome do you foresee happening by telling them that he drinks? They might be choosing to stay blind to his problems because they are not immediately involved with him, and thus don't have to deal with the "day to day" living with an A.
Step back, examine the issue, and decide what's best for YOU. YOU are directly connected with him, and right now, how YOU are being affected by the A is what matters. What is acceptable behavior to you? What is unacceptable? You do have choices here, just as he chooses to drink. There are ways to make your life much more bearable.
Sending you good thoughts and hugs...
You could...but they will ultimately choose to believe what they believe. This is what has happened with my sister. It is painfully obvious that she is drunk / still drinking at family functions, but my parents deny it. They believe her fantastic lies and choose not to see the fact that she is an alcoholic not in recovery. It used to make me angry...but I've since stepped back because I've realized that I cannot control their beliefs / actions / behavior any more than I can control my sister's drinking.
Anvil is right...what outcome do you foresee happening by telling them that he drinks? They might be choosing to stay blind to his problems because they are not immediately involved with him, and thus don't have to deal with the "day to day" living with an A.
Step back, examine the issue, and decide what's best for YOU. YOU are directly connected with him, and right now, how YOU are being affected by the A is what matters. What is acceptable behavior to you? What is unacceptable? You do have choices here, just as he chooses to drink. There are ways to make your life much more bearable.
Sending you good thoughts and hugs...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
My XABF's family would ask me at EVERY family function...How is B's drinking? And when asked, I answered as honestly as I could. Looking back, I should have told them the REAL truth, not the truth I thought would ease their minds.
In the end, they all knew why I left. The A thinks they are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sophisticated at hiding their addiction that NO ONE KNOWS. The truth is, everyone knows.
I have had NC since February. His family is his family. I have only heard from his father, and that was about 2 weeks ago. His mother and I were THISCLOSE, but she has not made contact since the day I left. As someone said, blood IS always thicker than water.
If your goal by telling them is to make YOU feel better, I would advise against it. Just give him up to God, and release yourself from being his Savior. We only have one of those, and we have to get out of His way so He can work in the lives of those we thought WE could save.
Praying for you, and hoping that you are at peace and moving on!
In the end, they all knew why I left. The A thinks they are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sophisticated at hiding their addiction that NO ONE KNOWS. The truth is, everyone knows.
I have had NC since February. His family is his family. I have only heard from his father, and that was about 2 weeks ago. His mother and I were THISCLOSE, but she has not made contact since the day I left. As someone said, blood IS always thicker than water.
If your goal by telling them is to make YOU feel better, I would advise against it. Just give him up to God, and release yourself from being his Savior. We only have one of those, and we have to get out of His way so He can work in the lives of those we thought WE could save.
Praying for you, and hoping that you are at peace and moving on!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I had a boyfriend once. I told his family he was using cocaine. It wasn't my place to tell them that. It hurt them. It hurt me. And the boyfriend just kept using cocaine.
I regret it to this day.
I regret it to this day.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
My question is: is it appropriate to tell family members that he is still drinking? I can tell from the family functions we attend that they all think he is sober. (he never drinks in front of them and rarely even drinks in front of me)
And by hiding it from them, am I just enabling him to drink?
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