mrphillipctrs1

My XAGF left me, after she relapsed at the Rehab, which is now 2 weeks ago. I know that the relationship is not one that I needed and I deserve much better.

The problem I am having is that she immediately went to another man, and is planning on getting married already. He is a RA and a nurse, with 12 years of sobriety. I have met him before and he seems like he has got his stuff together. She has known him for maybe a year and they have never dated.

The two years I was with her and the 20+ years I have known her, she has never treated me this way, and it's like I don't even know her. I guess I wanted more closure than I got.

I have got my list of things she did while we were together, but it just isn't helping today, I am up one minute and down the next. I was very close with her kids, when she got them and one of her kids always called me "daddy" although I never did encourage it. I think I am going to miss them most of all. They have been through enough with the custody battle, and are still some of the most well rounded kids I know, and I should know I work with kids.

Venting.....

FarawayFromCars

So sorry you are feeling down...I would say that it just will take time for you. I know that might not help to just say "it will take time", but in my own experience it is the only thing that has helped me in similar situations.

It's like when things like this happen, the "intellectual" part of the brain ("I deserve much better") can't quite convince the emotional part of the brain to catch up at first. It will take time. And time might not heal all wounds, but it will make them more bearable.

Take care of yourself. Let yourself mourn the loss, and then move on when you are ready.

Sending you good thoughts.

Bolina

She is getting married after 2 weeks? I think you should breath a sigh of relief that you were abandoned.

My ex moved on very quickly and I am still single some years later. It sucked for a long time, but it was very much needed, in hindsight. Not just to recover from that relationship, but to find out what it is like to be me for the first time in my life.

The kids thing is crap, though, I agree. My biggest (and only, now) pang from my relationship with my ex is that I have no contact with his son. Maybe one day, though, if out paths were ever to cross again.

mrphillipctrs1

I did send her oldest a message through Facebook and told him I had said good-bye to his mommy. That I thought he and his sisters were great, great kids and that I would always hold a special place in my heart for them. I told him I was moving out of town, which in reality is the truth. Kids don't need to be burden with adult problems. I wanted to tell him, not whatever lies she was planning on telling them.

dollydo

Sorry you are struggling, your emotions are normal, you will feel sadness and probably some anger.

On the flip side, this too shall pass! Just be patient and kind to yourself during this process.

The bottom line is that she did you a big favor.

I am always sorry when there are children involved, I would miss them too. However, this is out of your control, some things must just be accepted. i am sure you left a handprint on their hearts!

Bolina

Good stuff. And bravo on the FB thing.

Rejected by the reject was an interesting thread on here a while ago. It's such an ego-blow, I guess. I'd see it as a lucky escape, myself.

So, sit with the pain and the hurt and the loneliness that will come as sure as night follows day and read and learn and think and observe. And one day you will just know that this situation will never happen to you again. Because you will choose right next time. And when there are problems, you will both resolve them like adults. And you will learn how to retain yourself in a relationship and walk alongside each other, rather than one carrying the other.

mrphillipctrs1

that was awesome, thank you so much!

mrphillipctrs1

I was reading about dry drunks just a bit ago and I think that is what my XAGF is. Mad at everyone, blaming everyone, grandious behavior (marrying the rehab nurse). I should write a comic strip about her. Basically not drinking but still in the mindset of an alocholic.

Anyway, while I was doing my own surfing I came across this, it made me laugh.

"You can take the rum out of the fruitcake, but you still have a fruitcake".

wicked

This is priceless!

Freedom1990

Today my sponsor and I can laugh at what a 'sickie' I was after I went through rehab because I continued to play with sex/relationships for many years after first getting clean/sober.

There was a time that wasn't so funny. I relapsed after 4 years clean/sober because I was completely enmeshed with another addict who threw 2 years clean/sober time out the window after we had gotten involved.

Sickies play with sickies. I love my 22 year old daughter, but she is a sick codependent, now hooked up with an emotionally abusive 29 year old alcoholic. They are a match, both sick in their own ways.

This rehab RN supposedly 'sober' for 12 years can not, by any stretch of the imagination, be well, my friend. Someone strong in recovery, and healthy emotionally wouldn't even entertain the thought of hooking up with what you've described as your EXGF.

As for the kids, I feel your pain.

Before my ex-fiance walked out on me, his two daughters who are close to my youngest daughter in age, flew up from Florida to spend a month with us. I grew to love those young ladies very much. I was not working at the time so I could take care of them, and we had a lot of fun.

I was beyond devastated when he walked out just a few weeks after his girls had flown home.

There was no closure from him.

He said he needed 'space'.

He ended up losing his job, and the only reason I knew that was his workplace had called looking for him because he had started 'disappearing' from work during the day frequently, and they had no idea he had left me.

He went from being Mr. Responsible in all areas to very weird behavior like after he left me apparently.

One day my daughter answered the phone, and it was some inebriated woman on the other end who he had hooked up with, screaming obscenities, and when I got on the phone, she yelled to stay away from him.

I didn't even know where he was, how to contact him, and I had my phone number changed within an hour (my number was unlisted, so he obviously had given it to her).

I never got to see, or speak to his daughters again.

The pain of him leaving is long gone, but I still think of those girls from time to time, and wonder how they are doing. His youngest would be 21 now.

Pain shared is pain lessened. I'm glad you found us here at SR. :ghug3

mrphillipctrs1

This is true. Your post helped me out a great deal.

I guess part of my trouble is still thinking well maybe she learned something in rehab, and will get better, but after reading about "dry drunks" she fits that one to a tee, just as I fit codependent to a tee. The difference between us, is that I recognize it and am doing something about it.

Freedom1990

The fact that you recognize it and are doing something about it is a huge step forward for you!

I firmly believe that God has wondrous things in store for you.

mrphillipctrs1

me too!

This week he has:

Renewed a contract with a school district I had provided therapy to last year, and I was worried about.

Brought more kiddies into a program I just started that provides respite to families of children with autism, and stayed the thunderstorm at the ballpark so the kids could run out on the field with the minor league team.

An brought down an approval from the state that says I can go and do consultations with more kids in the community. FIRST IN THE STATE!

I PRAISE HIM AND THANK HIM

PieRat

Hang in there mrphillip! You have your HP on your side. You will overcome all of this!

spinwc

it is great that you are taking steps for you! taking care of yourself is the first step in healing i believe!

Prayer gets me through everything! Without it, i would be completely lost!

I am glad more positive things have happened for you this week Keep praying and working on yourself!