feeling something just not sure what
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 11
feeling something just not sure what
I have had a rough weekend with my husband seeking rehab treatment he got turned away til Monday,So hes been drunk all wknd Im mad scarredlost confused>Ive been searching the internet all day looking for hopeful answers so here I sit posting needing to talk and vent i think
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Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
I'm sorry to hear that, cryingcross, however I am glad you found us here. Have you had a chance to read the sticky posts at the top of the page? And are you going to al-anon meetings to get some face to face support?
What a shame that your husband decided to drink away the weekend instead of going to some AA meetings.
What a shame that your husband decided to drink away the weekend instead of going to some AA meetings.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Welcome to SR, cryingcross. Finding this forum has been a great support for me. I'm sorry your AH decided to start his search for recovery by drinking. The other end of the scope was my AH who didn't drink for a couple days before he left to start his 28-day program and was so proud of himself "I bet I'll be the only one to show up sober! They won't know what to think." I could almost hear his self-back-patting and his familiar refrain 'They think I'm God.' Bleh.
Any way.... Keep reading and posting. Vent away. We've been there, through something similar, or some one else here has.
Best wishes.
Any way.... Keep reading and posting. Vent away. We've been there, through something similar, or some one else here has.
Best wishes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 11
Ok so after days of searching and being turned away we were told try tomorrow....He drank all wknd blah blah blah.I couldnt handle being around him so he went with other family until we know if he gets to go.I have so many what ifs now what if they dont take him what if he leaves what if he stays Im now wondering what Im going to do if he does go been together 12 years and never apart Im in a deep depression some days ok most days dont even wanna get out of bed. If he stays in rehab how will I afford our bills and keep a roof over my kids head.He just last month talked me into quitting my job to go back to school and now i start in 2 weeks I kmow he needs the help but now Im thinking about the aftermath of everything. Im sick to my stomach cant eat cant sleep and wondering where he is and what hes doing I feel like Im the one out of control now and Im not dealing well
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Have you sought any help for yourself? Al-Anon? Counseling/therapy? I've known my AH for nearly 20 years, dated and then lived with him for nearly 16, married nearly 10. I left him 2 years ago and took our small son with me. During those 2 years I basically still ignored my feelings and need for help. It was only after events blew up and AH finally agreed to go for treatment that I realized I had been just barely hanging on and I needed as much support as my AH did.
The what-if's can be so detrimental to our well-being. I have days where I worry myself sick. I have to forcibly remind myself to go one day at a time, sometimes, just a few minutes at a time, to take a couple deep breaths.
The what-if's can be so detrimental to our well-being. I have days where I worry myself sick. I have to forcibly remind myself to go one day at a time, sometimes, just a few minutes at a time, to take a couple deep breaths.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Read more of the stickies and other posts. There is so much information and support here. I think the weekends are usually kind of quiet, but others will be around and can offer their support and info too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
He talked you into quitting your job despite having a serious enough addiction to require rehab a month later? And you agreed?
*is baffled*
So, first things first. Are you able to You need to get help for YOU?
Can you see a doctor about your depression?
Are you able to ensure that you are eating healthily?
Are you getting enough exercise and getting out in the fresh air every day?
Can you get to Al-anon meetings?
You need to keep a roof over your head and food on the table. Can you get a job to fit around your school schedule?
Time to get practical. It will help you feel that, whilst you are powerless in terms of his addiction, you are not powerless in terms of your own life. And you have found a place with loads of cheerleaders to give you support from the sidelines.
*is baffled*
So, first things first. Are you able to You need to get help for YOU?
Can you see a doctor about your depression?
Are you able to ensure that you are eating healthily?
Are you getting enough exercise and getting out in the fresh air every day?
Can you get to Al-anon meetings?
You need to keep a roof over your head and food on the table. Can you get a job to fit around your school schedule?
Time to get practical. It will help you feel that, whilst you are powerless in terms of his addiction, you are not powerless in terms of your own life. And you have found a place with loads of cheerleaders to give you support from the sidelines.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
We are glad you found us! We are here to support you. I still find lots of wisdom in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this page.
Take a few deep breaths. You don't have to solve all your problems by 10 a.m. today, right?
feeling something just not sure what
That slap in the face, punched in the gut, tossed from a moving vehicle feeling?
It happened to me too. It happens to lots of us here. I think it happened about the time I acknowledged the reality of my marriage to an active alcoholic. I had been in denial about how far the addiction had spiraled. I had been in denial about how little control I had over the alcoholic, our marriage, our finances and my own life. I had accepted a fantasy of "It will be better next time" and a fantasy of "If I just do x, y, and/or z, things will be better".
The reality was
My alcoholic was spiraling out of control
Our marriage was failing
Our finances were a disaster
My life was a shell - going through the motions without purpose.
I didn't get in that situation overnight. I had to accept that it was going to take time to get out of that cycle of chaos and drama. One of the first steps I had to take was accepting the 3 C's of addiction:
I did not cause the addiction
I can not control the addiction
I will not cure the addiction.
They seemed like simple steps, but accepting them as my new reality proved difficult. I kept wanting to control the alcoholic's addiction, I believed I was the reason for some of the drinking and I was sure my love might cure the addiction.
I learned to accept them the same way I learned to take better care of myself:
One day at a time with support from SR, Alanon meetings and self-help books.
How can we help you?
We are glad you found us! We are here to support you. I still find lots of wisdom in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this page.
Take a few deep breaths. You don't have to solve all your problems by 10 a.m. today, right?
feeling something just not sure what
That slap in the face, punched in the gut, tossed from a moving vehicle feeling?
It happened to me too. It happens to lots of us here. I think it happened about the time I acknowledged the reality of my marriage to an active alcoholic. I had been in denial about how far the addiction had spiraled. I had been in denial about how little control I had over the alcoholic, our marriage, our finances and my own life. I had accepted a fantasy of "It will be better next time" and a fantasy of "If I just do x, y, and/or z, things will be better".
The reality was
My alcoholic was spiraling out of control
Our marriage was failing
Our finances were a disaster
My life was a shell - going through the motions without purpose.
I didn't get in that situation overnight. I had to accept that it was going to take time to get out of that cycle of chaos and drama. One of the first steps I had to take was accepting the 3 C's of addiction:
I did not cause the addiction
I can not control the addiction
I will not cure the addiction.
They seemed like simple steps, but accepting them as my new reality proved difficult. I kept wanting to control the alcoholic's addiction, I believed I was the reason for some of the drinking and I was sure my love might cure the addiction.
I learned to accept them the same way I learned to take better care of myself:
One day at a time with support from SR, Alanon meetings and self-help books.
How can we help you?
A Pirate looks at 40
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
It is scary to think about how to handle bills, and take care of kids and stuff when it is part of the situation. You are not alone, or are the only one who has to contemplate these issues. You are in the right place here for support. /hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 11
Ok so here it goes....Today is Monday,He is supposed to be on his way hm to take a shower so I can take him to rehab IM scared he wont go find excuses not to sat but I do know one thing if he doesnt go and stay i cant let him come back here.Wish me luck
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
How are you this evening?
You are doing great to have a plan B if he doesn't follow-through with rehab. Plan B is to let him find somewhere else to stay. Good on you!
Remember this when he starts justifying, blame-shifting, lying, denying, etc.... He is quacking. Talking nonsense just to avoid responsibility.
Picture the big white AFLAC duck - quack, quack, quack
You are doing great to have a plan B if he doesn't follow-through with rehab. Plan B is to let him find somewhere else to stay. Good on you!
Remember this when he starts justifying, blame-shifting, lying, denying, etc.... He is quacking. Talking nonsense just to avoid responsibility.
Picture the big white AFLAC duck - quack, quack, quack
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Sorry you are hurting.
i can promiss you one thing. things can get better. FOR YOU. If you make them better. It takes a lot of hard work. On yourself. Educating yourself on the desease of Alcoholism and how it is affecting families of an A. There is so much info here on SR. Try opening yourself up to it and larning from it.
Try seeing the difference between the things you can control and the ones you can't. I can promiss you another thing too: there is no way you can make your AH do anything he doesn't want to do. Trust me on it and all these wise people here too when we say it, as we tried it all. That's a fact. Only thing you can do is choose how you deal with it. Trust me when I say , eventhouth it doesn't feel so, there are options there. You can worry yourself sick or you can take a step away from his desease.
For me the turning point was allowing myself to face my worst fears. It led me to see, no matter how hard it is, it is survivable.
My biggest fear was break up of our family, as I was stuck in this idea what family should be and I wouldn't let go. Turns out that was only hurting me and our kids too. My other biggest fear was if I leave AH he'll drink himself to death, so for years I was doing every single thing you can think of to prevent it from happening. And my AH is in hospital now with liver cirrhosis. Nothing I could or can do about that. If this has happened a year ago I'd probably have a nervous breakdown or something, but now I'm not. As in the past few months I did so much work on myself and I've learned how to keep my sanity. Of course all of this is hard, but still it is so much easier than it was before when I spend all my time agonizing about what he does or doesn't do, and what can I do to get him do what I want.
It's about growing up and about taking life as it is and making the best of it. my kids need me to be sane and well, and that's the only important thing.
Honey, you can't control this, and if you keep trying to do it you'll just keep feeling worse. Do whatever it takes to start breathing again.
I don't know if what I'm saying to you is too much at this point. I just wanted to share my story so you can maybe learn something from it, as I know what does it feel like to be where are you now.
All of my worst fears came true, and you know what So what. I can take it, and it is not as bad as I though it'd be. It's survivable, and life is still good, it is just not under the terms I demanded for years.
Take care of you and your precious kids. This doesn't mean you can't still love your AH, I still love mine, but it means you can't always have what you want.
I wish you well
i can promiss you one thing. things can get better. FOR YOU. If you make them better. It takes a lot of hard work. On yourself. Educating yourself on the desease of Alcoholism and how it is affecting families of an A. There is so much info here on SR. Try opening yourself up to it and larning from it.
Try seeing the difference between the things you can control and the ones you can't. I can promiss you another thing too: there is no way you can make your AH do anything he doesn't want to do. Trust me on it and all these wise people here too when we say it, as we tried it all. That's a fact. Only thing you can do is choose how you deal with it. Trust me when I say , eventhouth it doesn't feel so, there are options there. You can worry yourself sick or you can take a step away from his desease.
For me the turning point was allowing myself to face my worst fears. It led me to see, no matter how hard it is, it is survivable.
My biggest fear was break up of our family, as I was stuck in this idea what family should be and I wouldn't let go. Turns out that was only hurting me and our kids too. My other biggest fear was if I leave AH he'll drink himself to death, so for years I was doing every single thing you can think of to prevent it from happening. And my AH is in hospital now with liver cirrhosis. Nothing I could or can do about that. If this has happened a year ago I'd probably have a nervous breakdown or something, but now I'm not. As in the past few months I did so much work on myself and I've learned how to keep my sanity. Of course all of this is hard, but still it is so much easier than it was before when I spend all my time agonizing about what he does or doesn't do, and what can I do to get him do what I want.
It's about growing up and about taking life as it is and making the best of it. my kids need me to be sane and well, and that's the only important thing.
Honey, you can't control this, and if you keep trying to do it you'll just keep feeling worse. Do whatever it takes to start breathing again.
I don't know if what I'm saying to you is too much at this point. I just wanted to share my story so you can maybe learn something from it, as I know what does it feel like to be where are you now.
All of my worst fears came true, and you know what So what. I can take it, and it is not as bad as I though it'd be. It's survivable, and life is still good, it is just not under the terms I demanded for years.
Take care of you and your precious kids. This doesn't mean you can't still love your AH, I still love mine, but it means you can't always have what you want.
I wish you well
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 11
OK so Its now Tuesday.....Hes in bed there were no rehab places that have room they all just keep saying keep calling us and checking in.I cant handle this im at a breaking point.I found al anon mtg tonight but Im scared to walk into my first mtg afraid its gonna be a small group that has been together for awhile and Ill feel out of place Please help me through this
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Little Rock, Arkansas
Posts: 161
Originally Posted by cryingcross 
OK so Its now Tuesday.....Hes in bed there were no rehab places that have room they all just keep saying keep calling us and checking in.I cant handle this im at a breaking point.I found al anon mtg tonight but Im scared to walk into my first mtg afraid its gonna be a small group that has been together for awhile and Ill feel out of place Please help me through this
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
You should definitely go to the meeting even if you're scared. My first meeting was 8:00 in the morning and I hadn't had a shower in probably two weeks. I know I was a mess and must have stunk to high heaven but those people were just so nice to me. Don't be afraid, they will help you in the way you most need it. You'll see.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 626
Go! It will be okay. There is nothing that you are going through that some or all of them haven't been going through. And yes, they know each other now, but they didn't just magically form an al-anon family. They each walked through the door, one person at a time. Each person's life had become unmanageable. They understand. Do not be afraid, do this kind and loving thing for yourself.
We look forward to hearing about your experience there.
We look forward to hearing about your experience there.
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