bluebelle

I got the inevitable phone call from my addict mom. She left two messages begging her forgiveness. She blames our strained relationship on her be too critical and blames her critical nature on her own mom. She wants to be my friend. Everything that she has done in life is for me. She would be happy if I was around. She is so lonely, etc. The thing is, we've been through all this before. She insists that only I can make her happy. Then she begins to berate me for being alive and become violent and blame me for her problems.

She got my 90 year old grandmother involved. Apparently, she told my grandma that she is depressed because I won't return her calls. So, I have grandma on my trail now, too.

The truth is that I stopped contact with my mom after she repeatedly tried to attack me and my family members. She said terribly things about me to me and to other people. She repeatedly states that she is lonely and miserable, and that only I can make her happy.

She takes no responsibility for for her verbal and physical attacks against me. I'm not sure what she wants out of me. I know that I cannot make her happy. I know that if I was to see her in person, she would physically attack me, or at least verbally attack me. I don't think she loves me as she says, because I'm not sure that she is capable of that kind of love. She just want control and her needs met. She's looking for some kind of savior (me) who can rescue her from unhappiness. She has a terrible temper problem, and I have had to often remove myself from terribly violent situations, including calling 911. So, I'm not going anywhere near her.

I guess my difficulty is to how to detach from her without completely severing the relationship. I would like to talke to her from time to time about I don't want to talk about this forgiveness nonesense. i think she is unable to understand the scope of what she has dome to me and my family. I thinks she blocks out the memories of atttacking us. She always blames those attacks on something out of her control.

We are dealing with a person who is highly disfunctional with severe mental illness and years of drug abuse. She is unmarried, and considers me as her one route to happening.

Ann

I hope you know that "you" are not her answer, she would need to seek help for her addiction and mental illness from professionals who are experienced with this.

If you want some contact but not frequent ongoing dialogues, why not meet her for coffee and see how that goes, and if it works out, maybe see her once a month.

If you want no contact, just say so and don't accept her calls. If the calls are upsetting to you and her both, there is no point.

It's sad how we sometimes need to step back from our loved ones, and sadder when they thing that we are the ones to save them...when only they can save themselves.

Keeping you all in my prayers.

Hugs

helpformyson

It appears to be a catch-22. You don't want to be around her because of her addiction and her behavior (which I am sure is caused by the addiction) and she blames you for causing her addiction. I don't think this relationship will be a healthy one until she stops her addiction.

My own mother used to live vicariously through me and claimed that I was her only happiness and she was also a lonely person. You can not depend on someone else for your happiness. That is something that comes from within yourself and how you live your own life. Sounds like she needs some major counseling. I don't blame you for wanting to put distance between your relationship. Maybe you can have a conversation explaining exactly how you feel.

dollydo

This is not going to get any better anytime soon. To me, your mom is very toxic and sounds mentally unbalanced. Could be the drugging/drinking, or, she drinks/drugs because she is mentally unstable and is self-medicating.

My mother has been drinking for over 65 years, and, is still slamming them down at age 85. She is finally off the pills, for that I am grateful.

It has been a mess for the entire family, he brother has not spoke to her in 25 years. I had to back off for 10 years, no contact. I was ready to crack, she was very abusive. We have been back together for 6 or 7 years, she knows my bounderies and that I will close the door yet again if she does not respect them.

Only you know what is right for you, however, sometimes one needs to just stand firm, for their own sanity.

Do what's best for you!

Kelrunran

I'm glad you recognize that your mom needs help. There seem to be so many unknowns when dealing with addiction, which I have learned. I have an AS and we made the choice to kick him out because we were done. That is what we needed to do. I'm hopeful though that he will find sobriety one day. I can also say that, at times, I wonder if we will ever see him again, but that is up to my Higher Power. I know only he can help himself. Now I go to meetings and work on taking care of me.

I know you will do what is best for you. In Al-anon we talk a lot about fear and what is behind our fear. You will get through this. Take of yourself and keep yourself as the highest priority. Kelly - you all are in my prayers daily!

Freedom1990

There are a lot of things I'd like that just aren't possible in my life.

From what you've shared about your mother, including violence and having to call 911, when there with her in person, I'd say no contact is the best option.

Acceptance of things the way that they are has been a hard pill for me to swallow at times.

I'll never have the type of relationship I'd like to have with my mother.

When I came to accept that, and started learning how to give myself the things that my mother couldn't give me, I made progress.

bluebelle

Thank you for all your wonderful responses. I wouldn't even consider seeing my mom in person. We are on different sides of the country. In terms of contact, I just have to decide when to call her. We had to move my grandparents away from her, because she was attacking them. I know she has psychological problems. We had her involuntarily committed once, but they only kept her 2 weeks. She has people who come to her house and check on her. She has a counselor and psychologist that work with her.

I have had those conversations with her while I tell her that I can't make her happy and that I'm not her psychologist. I even had the conversation in front of her counselor, and he agreed with me. She won't accept it. She claims that I am the source of her happiness, but then she has bursts of anger and attacks me if I am around.

I don't know how many of her problems are psychological and how many are due to the unending drug abuse. She's been abusing drugs since before I was born.

Again, thank you for your comments. This is a hard situation for me because I've been dealing with it since when I was born. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I am now. At least now, I refuse to listen to her abusive comments on the phone. However, she still has a lot of an emotional hold over me.

outtolunch

Is it possible that what has a hold over you is your own desire for a relationship that resembles something in the range of normal?

Children often blame themselves when their own parents are unstable and abusive. Maybe that child within you needs some therapy to allow a better balance between your head ( which is on straight) and your emotions cause this is not your fault.

bluebelle

I think I do have a desire for a normal relationship--which won't ever happen. I think it is also hard because she always taught me that I was responsible for her feelings, so it is a hard thing to unlearn. I have been to quite a bit of counseling over the years. I have come a long way. At first, I would have accepted her words. Later, I came to tell her that what she said was unacceptable. Finally, at the latest stage, I am at a point of very little contact.

It's also hard that my grandmother always makes excuses for my mom, and that my mom tried to use my 90 year old grandmother to get to me.

The calls from my mom were last weekend, and I still haven't returned her calls. I know that I cannot have a reasonable conversation with her because her thinking patterns aren't normal. She's 60, and I haven't seen any sign that anything has changed for her.

bluebelle

Thanks. That makes sense. I have a terrible time not accepting responsibility for others. You're right. I need to get to the point to where I emotionally accept that she is going to remain unbalanced, and that it is not my fault.

Chino

Is it time to establish a boundary with your grandmother?

bluebelle

Yes, I do need to establish a boundary with my grandmother. I need to tell her that I do not want her to pass on messages from my mother. It made me feel extra guilty. My mom was harassing my grandmother, so I felt like if I helped my mom, she'd leave my grandma alone. Of course, that's my grandma's business, not mine. I just feel extra bad because she's 90, and she said she can't sleep because she's so sad about my mom being alone.

Beantowngirl

My mother taught me the same thing and the only way I've been able to start to 'unlearn' it is by going no contact. I found it was simply impossible to do that work within myself while I was in contact with her because I was constantly in defense mode. It's a wound within you that needs to heal, and that won't happen if you are still fending off new wounds.