Did you all know a sober & working man is hard to find lol?
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Did you all know a sober & working man is hard to find lol?
Hi All,
RAH is sober 7 mos. He's been out of jail for 5 mos., and was working a pretty good recovery program up till last month. He does not have a steady job but works at a golf course on an almost daily basis. Of course, it's the same golf course where all his "drinking" co-workers are! In any event, in a "weak" moment for me, while we were outside puttering around in the yard, I told him this past Monday that I loved him. He said "I love you too, and now I know no matter what happens, we'll always be together" WTF???? I said "no, I may love you but it does not mean I will tolerate certain behaviors". He said "No, I mean if we lose our house cause I don't have a job and we need to move to a one br or something" Again, WTF???? I told him "no, I would not be ok with that", so of course, the blame gets shifted to me, how would I like it if he said that to me. I said "If I did everything you did to me and us, and financially ruined us, I wouldn't blame you". Then I said I will no longer entertain this discussion, and walked away. Of course, for hours he wanted to continue it, only because I wasn't acting all loving and doing whatever he wanted. He wanted me to "drop it, let it go". Well, no, why'd he have to ruin a nice moment (oh, I forgot, that's a silly question, that's what alcoholics who are not in recovery do!).
Anyway, the other night, of course I get the "you're still in a mood, huh?". No, I'm not in a mood, I'm just chosing to go about my business and not speak with you except to exchange plesantries, nothing's wrong with that. Nobody said I had to like him. Anyway, of course, he tries to get the dialogue going, how I "analyze" everything he says, how nothing is ever good enough for me, etc. and that he is doing "everything he is supposed to be doing" Of course, shouldn't have but asked "oh yeah? what? Are you going to meetings? Are you calling your sponsor? You haven't done that in over a month!" He asked "how much more do you want me to do? I go to therapy three hours a week, probation once a week and work. Sometimes this is overkill for 2 dwi's" I laughed! I said "Two dwi's??? Three, you just got away with one, but let's be honest, it was three! And overkill???? You were looking at a felony charge, 3 years upstate prison, instead you got 2 mos. jail and 3 years probation and 3 hours a week therapy is overkill????" He thinks it is, and of course, turns it around that he "can never say anything" and that he is doing what he's supposed to and nothing is ever good enough for me. He also said he is not a spiritual person, and does not believe in some of the steps in AA. He said he's sober and works, what more can any wife want. So I said "OMG, I better get ready, women from all over will be banging down our door once they know you are sober and work! A man who is sober and works is so rare these days!!!" What an idiot! Anyway, then it went back to me again, and for me to divorce him, sell the house, split the profits, the usual bs he says when he was drinking. He is nothing but a dry drunk, and I'm stuck. I now have custody of my grandkids, and I will not uproot them, and he will not leave unless we sell the house, and he gets his "rightful share" even tho he spent $66k in his IRA in a few months!!!!
I made the mistake of taking him back, he conned me in his letters and phone calls from jail, he conned me the first few months back ... I own this, I hold myself accountable for this ... guess I have to accept this is how my life is, and most likely will always be ...
Just needed to vent.
Hugs!
RAH is sober 7 mos. He's been out of jail for 5 mos., and was working a pretty good recovery program up till last month. He does not have a steady job but works at a golf course on an almost daily basis. Of course, it's the same golf course where all his "drinking" co-workers are! In any event, in a "weak" moment for me, while we were outside puttering around in the yard, I told him this past Monday that I loved him. He said "I love you too, and now I know no matter what happens, we'll always be together" WTF???? I said "no, I may love you but it does not mean I will tolerate certain behaviors". He said "No, I mean if we lose our house cause I don't have a job and we need to move to a one br or something" Again, WTF???? I told him "no, I would not be ok with that", so of course, the blame gets shifted to me, how would I like it if he said that to me. I said "If I did everything you did to me and us, and financially ruined us, I wouldn't blame you". Then I said I will no longer entertain this discussion, and walked away. Of course, for hours he wanted to continue it, only because I wasn't acting all loving and doing whatever he wanted. He wanted me to "drop it, let it go". Well, no, why'd he have to ruin a nice moment (oh, I forgot, that's a silly question, that's what alcoholics who are not in recovery do!).
Anyway, the other night, of course I get the "you're still in a mood, huh?". No, I'm not in a mood, I'm just chosing to go about my business and not speak with you except to exchange plesantries, nothing's wrong with that. Nobody said I had to like him. Anyway, of course, he tries to get the dialogue going, how I "analyze" everything he says, how nothing is ever good enough for me, etc. and that he is doing "everything he is supposed to be doing" Of course, shouldn't have but asked "oh yeah? what? Are you going to meetings? Are you calling your sponsor? You haven't done that in over a month!" He asked "how much more do you want me to do? I go to therapy three hours a week, probation once a week and work. Sometimes this is overkill for 2 dwi's" I laughed! I said "Two dwi's??? Three, you just got away with one, but let's be honest, it was three! And overkill???? You were looking at a felony charge, 3 years upstate prison, instead you got 2 mos. jail and 3 years probation and 3 hours a week therapy is overkill????" He thinks it is, and of course, turns it around that he "can never say anything" and that he is doing what he's supposed to and nothing is ever good enough for me. He also said he is not a spiritual person, and does not believe in some of the steps in AA. He said he's sober and works, what more can any wife want. So I said "OMG, I better get ready, women from all over will be banging down our door once they know you are sober and work! A man who is sober and works is so rare these days!!!" What an idiot! Anyway, then it went back to me again, and for me to divorce him, sell the house, split the profits, the usual bs he says when he was drinking. He is nothing but a dry drunk, and I'm stuck. I now have custody of my grandkids, and I will not uproot them, and he will not leave unless we sell the house, and he gets his "rightful share" even tho he spent $66k in his IRA in a few months!!!!
I made the mistake of taking him back, he conned me in his letters and phone calls from jail, he conned me the first few months back ... I own this, I hold myself accountable for this ... guess I have to accept this is how my life is, and most likely will always be ...
Just needed to vent.
Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Ok, um,
A) if you took him back, can you not kick him out once again, or at the very least, leave? I mean, it's always an option right?
B) The whole "you're lucky I'm sober and working" line is SUCH B. friggin S. XAH gave me that line over and over, perhaps because he needed to feel like he should get a medal for holding down some crappy job and not being roaring drunk most of the time. Having gotten away from him, I realize that the whole "got a job and don't drink" is the MINIMUM standard
And as for his little discussion...he was just trying to get you to play this role to soothe this guilty conscience. Love ain't forever if you drink it away buddy...
A) if you took him back, can you not kick him out once again, or at the very least, leave? I mean, it's always an option right?
B) The whole "you're lucky I'm sober and working" line is SUCH B. friggin S. XAH gave me that line over and over, perhaps because he needed to feel like he should get a medal for holding down some crappy job and not being roaring drunk most of the time. Having gotten away from him, I realize that the whole "got a job and don't drink" is the MINIMUM standard
And as for his little discussion...he was just trying to get you to play this role to soothe this guilty conscience. Love ain't forever if you drink it away buddy...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Today, I think about what I will and will not tolerate in my life. If someone crosses some line I have or I feel off with them, I distance myself. You can too...if you want to and make a plan. The choice to be with him is YOURS. If you are unhappy, then what can YOU do to make yourself happy knowing that you cannot control him. Recovered A or not doesn't matter. What do you want?
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
I am stuck "for now". I have custody of my two precious granddaughters, and I will not uproot them. They have already been thru enough. He will never leave. When he was drinking, I could never get rid of him, until he finally reached a point in his alcoholism where he was so alcohol saturated, he left me and blew thru his entire IRA. Hence, now he has no permanent job now and really no money. And while I know that's not my problem, and I'm not enabling him, I took him back on the pretext of him going to counseling and AA and working a strong program. We are setting up a meeting between our counselors and ourselves to discuss this situation some time next week, so we'll see what happens, but in any event, I am going to make plans to put away money and be out of this once and for all. Just in the meantime, I'm stuck, and I'm more angry at myself for allowing it to happen yet again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by queenteree
So I said "OMG, I better get ready, women from all over will be banging down our door once they know you are sober and work! A man who is sober and works is so rare these days!!!"
Please point this out to him, he might even get it. But don't let that fan your hopes for the guy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
Originally Posted by dgillz 
LOL! We alcoholics do tend to think we deserve a medal when in fact we are often doing the bare minimum necessary expected of a teenage boy, let alone a real man.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 06-05-2010 at 09:41 AM. Reason: fixed broken quote
Recovering Nicely
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
When he was gone, I gained such clarity, I really did. I was very happy without him, in spite of the fact that cps placed my two granddaughters with me, I had four mouths to feed (my son wasn't working full time then), AAH (stands for abstinent ah, cause he is not in recovery as far as I'm concerned) left me w/no money and two months worth of unpaid bills and utilities were going to be shut off, but I managed and I was happy. When he went to jail, he was in the special part kinda like a rehab, 3 AA mtgs a day, etc. He read the big book, wrote me all the time, called me, talked a good game, a very good game, and I was conned. Bottom line ... I was conned and I own that. As for asking if I love him, at one time I did, but I really don't think I do anymore ... I'm not sure, but either way, whether I love him or not, I love me more
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by DetroitRock
Wow. How could he blow 66 grand in a few months?
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
It's amazing how much he blew in a few months. I know for a fact he is a straight up alkie, not a pill popper at all, no drugs other than alcohol, never was. But what I can tell you is, yes, it was all on alcohol (at least 72 beers a day, at $30 a 36 pack) plus bars, where I'm sure he was buying the entire bar rounds of drinks and a very big tipper to the barmaids, plus alot on gambling .... that I know for sure, and that he has admitted to. Shame what addiction can do. But all I know is, I should not have to bear the consequences of his actions, and I won't. I gave him the benefit of the doubt to make things right again, once and for all, and if he can't, I will be gone. This was his one final shot. It wasn't like these past few months I lived on the pink cloud, I knew the reality of going back with an alcoholic, I knew there always was a chance of backsliding/relapse (he relapsed a few years ago after over 15 years sober with no relapses) and I have managed, while he is working and contributing toward the house, to put away some money, to really pay off my charge cards and improve my credit rating, there always was a plan in place, so if and when the time comes, I will be ready this time.
Moreover, I woke up this morning with a new attitude. I realized (while I was sleeping I guess lol) that I have to treat his attitude the same way I was dealing with it while he was actively drinking. I was tending to treat him the same as I would a non-alcoholic person, which does not work very well on the alcoholic personality. I was letting my emotions (anger, resentment) affect how I handled the dialogue. Our counselors are setting up a meeting for us for sometime next week, I will lay it all out on the table, and let the chips fall where they may.
Moreover, I woke up this morning with a new attitude. I realized (while I was sleeping I guess lol) that I have to treat his attitude the same way I was dealing with it while he was actively drinking. I was tending to treat him the same as I would a non-alcoholic person, which does not work very well on the alcoholic personality. I was letting my emotions (anger, resentment) affect how I handled the dialogue. Our counselors are setting up a meeting for us for sometime next week, I will lay it all out on the table, and let the chips fall where they may.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Well Queenteree, you aren't stuck. It may seem like you are, but you aren't. You may not be able to run right now, but you can take baby steps. There is only one path out of this, and it doesn't matter how fast you can travel it, but that you travel it. Even baby steps count. The sooner you get going, the sooner you'll have this past you.
Good luck on your journey!
Good luck on your journey!
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