todd6138

I have been in a little rut at the meetings I attend lately- this is in no way becoming a resentment- I get something good out of every meeting- but I notice more and more people coming into the room s asking for advice and then the whole meeting is shared at somebody rather than being on a particular topic. In my opinion, that is where the 500 lb telephone and the sponsorship come in. Now don't get me wrong; if somebody is going to drink over this, they are the most important person in the room. Do meetings often become counseling sessions in your town?

Freedom1990

We have three meetings a week in my tiny town. Wednesdays are Big Book study. Sundays are 12 X 12 study. Fridays are open topic, but 99% of the time, we read out of/discuss the Big Book even though that's on Wednesdays.

I think what you are describing is far too common in groups where it's 'open' discussion, unfortunately.

RobbyRobot

Sure that happens at meetings because giving advice is alot easier than sharing honestly with ESH. It is just a part of the experience of being in a fellowship of alcoholics and who-evers.

You'll find that if you keep your side of the road clean as you can then others doing what they do won't bother you much at all. You must already know that since you say you have no resentments against what is going on at those meetings. Cool!

Rob

DayTrader

Man..... this is SUCH a sore spot for me....I probably shouldn't even comment because it's nearly impossible for me to not get emotional about it.

This garbage is starting to happen at one of my regular meetings and at a lot of of the new meetings I've been checking out. The subject is usually "my husband/wife/kids/boss/co-worker/boyfriend/girlfriend did/didn't do this/that .....bla bla bla... I usually keep my mouth shut when I'm not leading the table (partly out of fear and partly because that's the leader's call) but I do stop it when I'm leading the table (although I always feel slightly embarrassed and really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings). The part that bugs me is that it's not always the "newcomers"......6 times out of 10 it's folks with 10 years+ that "I think" should know better.

Given the typically over-inflated egos most AA's have, I guess it follows suit that they really believe they're fantastic life-counselors too and, once somebody starts, the whole table is off to the races.

I've been doing a lot of praying for some advice.....some guidance...ya know? Should I just sit there and practice acceptance, get up and leave, or say something to stop it. Needless to say, it's hitting a new 4th step when I finish typing and I'll hit my sponsor with it tomorrow when I call him tomorrow morning.

Boleo

There is one meeting that I sometimes travel a long distance to attend where they have a unique preamble that says:

"Please discuss you problems outside after the meeting or with your sponsor".

Music

Some meetings have this opportunity built into the plan. IOW the chair, prior to leading on a particular topic, will ask if anyone has something pressing they'd like to talk about. Unless I'm someone's sponsor, I rarely give "advice" other than to say pick up the telephone and call your sponsor. However, ESH is entirely different IMO. If I've experienced something, I'm qualified to talk about it, if not I keep my mouth closed. Sharing my story is one thing but if I give advice and someone gets hurt....then what? Am I responsible for the hurt? Some would lay the responsibility at the foot of the person who asked, but I think I'd be responsible. AA meetings aren't counseling sessions and shoudn't be thought of as such.

Freedom1990

I'm not concerned about hurting people's feelings anymore when I speak up at a meeting.

My home group is important to me, and if the message is getting watered down or not even carried, what is eventually going to happen to my group?

Maybe those people who want a counseling session at the meeting no longer view alcoholism as a life or death situation.

I do. Therefore I open up my big mouth if someone starts that crap.

People can get glad in the same pants they got mad in!

RobbyRobot

Thats cool that you're seeking help for that attitude of being intolerant of others at meetings or wherever for that matter and for whatever reason.

Alcoholics gather at AA meetings and expecting that a rainbow of examples of alcoholism and recovery won't be present is not really living in the moment with sobriety.

None of us are perfect. People run into troubles at AA because of their alcoholsim and not because of their personalities, imo.

RobbyRobot

Ananda

In the discussion or open topic meetings I attended when i first came to AA it was asked if anyone had a topic.

It was then the leader's responsibility after listening to the person who brought one up to pull out the solution based topic that might apply.

It worked really well 90% of the time.

I think this all realy depends on all the memberes of a group. Lots of times people are really wrapped up in a problem and can't articulate a topic that is solution based..but want one....

I've been the confused person in the meeting...there were always a number of people wiling to share how they themselves had found a solution....not WHAT the solution is..just how to find it...ie the steps

preta

My homegroup had to add something to the readings in the beginning: The group conscience asks that you please do not crosstalk. We define crosstalk as addressing somebody directly during the meeting. Please share from your own experience. If you need to do this please do so after the meeting. Thank you.
(or something like that)
It works. Usually.
An AA meeting is not someplace to discuss your individual life problems. It is a place to discuss the program of AA.

Mark75

Yes, the meetings of AA, the fellowship, grow from the program of AA, not the other way around. That should be the guiding principle of all meetings. We all have a responsibility to let the hand of AA always be there. That cannot happen if we turn meetings into group therapy.

What can we do as members of AA to ensure that?

intention

The only meetings I go to are open discussions so this happens a lot. One of the meetings usually starts with "this is your opportunity to release any pressure that's been building up which could cause you to drink....."


In the past I have walked away with resentments, but these meetings have since taught me a lot about love and tolerance.

I think I amuse some when I walk around with my book in the meeting. "though you be but one man with this book in your hand" p163


Whatever anyone else is saying in the meetings, my message is always the only solution I know.

One thing that I have found with these open meetings is that if the first few people sharing are focusing on the solution, then the rest will follow. If the first few people share the problem, the rest will share with the problem. It is like recovery is infectious.

Tommyh

Todd,I believe their solutions should be based on our 12 steps and the Big Book.That would be a good chance to direct them to the steps and it looks like step 3 is a good place to start considering how we liked others to act the way we wanted.If I/we gave advice on how they should run their life,I believe we are doing them a dis-service usually,because we ain`t God and we can`t manage our lives let alone the lives of others.
We can help get them back on the path...of the 12 steps hopefully.We have this happen sometimes and it helps to have the group get them back focused on the program when we can.

thats another reason I mostly attend speaker meetings and book studies.We never ask anyone "do you have a problem" we just go straight to the books and avoid all that stuff.

Tommyh

"An AA group, as such, cannot take on all the personal problems of its members, let alone those of nonalcoholics in the world around us. The AA group is not, for example, a mediator of domestic relations, nor does it furnish personal financial aid to anyone. Though a member may sometimes be helped in such matters by his friends in AA, the primary responsibility for the solutions of all his problems of living and growing rests squarely upon the individual himself. Should the AA group attempt this sort of help, its effectiveness and energies would be hopelessly dissipated. This is why sobriety - freedom from alcohol - through the teaching and practice of AA's 12 Steps, is the sole purpose of the group. If we don't stick to this cardinal principle, we shall almost certainly collapse. And if we collapse we cannot help anyone."

(Letter from Bill W dated 1966 and quoted in "As Bill Sees It", page 79)

BP44

I was taught that as a discussion leader I am to come prepared with a topic out of the Big Book, 12 X 12, or As Bill See's It, or other conference approved literature. I NEVER ask if someone has a topic. Part of being a discussion leader is to be prepared to lead a discussion. That means when the sharing gets off course, bring it back to topic. Sometimes that means calling on people I know will share solution based experience. Particularly if someone trys to take the meeting hostage.

Norther

I live in a rural area, near an Ivy League college. The meetings near the college are much more therapy/advice-driven than the meetings out in the sticks. The rural meetings are focused on sharing ESH. I stay out in the sticks as much as I can. There is the added benefit for me that these more direct souls see immediately through my BS, something I need. The college sophisticates tend to think I'm actually saying something when I am just juggling conceptual bon mots, a unfortunate tendency of mine. I need to be called on that stuff, so that I get around to saying stuff truthful.

Mark75

I heard in treatment and it is my own experience that intellectualization is our alcoholism at work. There is a man at my home group, very smart successful guy. He is fond of saying...

"Utilize, don't analyze"

Pagekeeper

Unfortunately, yes. I know folks who refuse to go to these meetings, and 9 times out of 10 I am one of them, but I'm also responsible for carrying the message to these meetings. And when I attend them, that is what I am mindful about--carrying the message of AA--not MY message of "You're all doing this wrong!" There is a difference. I've sat in these meetings before and heard things that made my stomach turn. It is especially important for me to keep a level head in these meetings so that I can carry the message in a way that also SHOWS it. If I'm all yelling, sarcastic, bitter and using fear tactics to promote the 12 steps, who is going to want what I have?!

stugotz

There is one group where I live that is like a bar without the alcohol. They fight, yell, and basically use the room for everything but recovery. Its known as the shoebox. Filled with slippers, loafers, and sneakers. Some are sicker than others, and that becomes very apparent in some groups.

yeahgr8

Yes in my experience this is common place where the meeting has no format, e.g. Big Book Study, Topic Meetings etc...I go to the meetings that work for me and i guess everyone needs to do the same...obviously some people like to discuss their life issues at AA meetings else the meetings i am referring to would be empty?!

My sponsor would say these are the meetings i should go to and get the message across but i do need a meeting or two on recovery for myself, i honestly dont think that is being too selfish in the first year of sobriety lol