BS08

Okay, I need some concrete tools to help me forget. It's amazing to me that it has been a year and I just can't seem to mentally let him go. I've never really had this problem before. When a relationship has ended for me, ya, I've had pain, but eventually I move on. I can't seem to here. I have been in real no contact for at least 2 months, but something always makes me think of him.

Then this week, I caught wind that he was going on 2 river trips (we're both whitewater boaters and have mutual boating friends) with the girlfriend. One is a river I had had fantasies that we would get married on someday (when he got his finances together, he wasn't drinking, etc. Fantasies!). It's triggered me pretty good.

And then this weekend I was with a bunch of boater friends rafting and, again, I'm the only nondrinking one. As the weekend progressed, I just started to doubt myself and the reasons we're not together anymore. That it was me with the problem. That drinking isn't such a big deal. All the people I was with were all drinking and having a good time. It makes me feel like I screwed up and was too focused on his drinking. It's started to make me feel like it's something in me, not in him, that's wrong and why we are not together anymore. He's happy out there drinking and partying more than ever and is in the relationship of his dreams. I'm feeling alone and think I have given up that I will ever have a good, long lasting relationship. And I know it's a self fulfilling prophecy. If you believe it, that's what it will be. I feel like I'm paying some kind of price while he's free and clear.

I have a pack full spring/summer of things I'm doing that I love. I've accomplished so many things and grown in so many ways in the past year. Having my family back too has been a wonderful thing.

But the one thing I want is a healthy relationship, and I don't think that will ever happen. I think my exABF has destroyed my faith that it will. I just seem to have lost faith there, and knowing that he's moved on and enjoying life fully, on all levels, when he's the one that devastated me, is something I just can't seem to let go of.

What did some of you do to move on after being devastated? To reclaim your faith? I feel like I'm competing with a shadow most of the time and that being a nondrinker is like a brand in this society that somehow puts you on the outskirts of things. Like a Scarlett A or something. Like I'd have more of a social life if I drank (that's my ex talking there. Ironic).

I just feel resentful today...

coffeedrinker

I'm very sorry you're having such a difficult time.

I had breakfast with my wise and compassionate brother yesterday. I (finally) told him that I was forcing myself to really move on, and away from my abf. He empathized. I said, "I guess I know in my head that I won't always have this profound sadness - it's like a grief - forever, but it sure feels like I will." He said, "I think perhaps you will. I think, that though you'll move on and into a good life, and I think you will one day meet someone special, I also think that this sadness will always be a part of you. It sucks, but that's life".

Of course I have no way of knowing if his prediction might end up being true. But he was speaking from his own experience and the sadness that is still inside of him, even though he has a wonderful and loving woman, and is grateful for his life today.

I know that doesn't sound hopeful, it's just what I've been dealing with today.

Are you currently in therapy? I think when we stay stuck for what seems too long, we should seek out some professional help.

Ceres

I saw a poll recently in another forum about how long it takes us to get over these kinds of obsessive sorts of heartbreaks, the overwhelming majority said 6-9 months. Yuck. I'm three in. :-P

I will say that I've decided to go back to school and the big change (it would be considered a "life event") has made a huge difference.

BS08

Ya, I've been going to theraphy with a new therapist. My old one, which I loved, is in another state, and it was just too hard to do phone sessions, so I decided to look for a local one. Having to start all over again with a therapist is hard, seeing that the old one knew me so well. I like her, but just still not feeling a breakthrough yet...

BS08

6-9 months? Boy, I'm clinging....

LaTeeDa

It's okay to look for whatever helps. If the new therapist isn't working out, find a different one. Or maybe a life coach instead. I found that I had to change my thinking entirely. I had this picture of what my life should look like, and I thought okay, if I can't have it with HIM, I will have it by myself or with someone else. That really prevented me from growing. I had to dissect that vision, decide what I REALLY wanted, not just assume that what I had always believed was true. I ended up leaving behind some things that I had become attached to that really weren't working for me.

Not suggesting that you leave behind the rafting, if it's something you really love. But, it might be time to look at that. Is there another way to get what you want out of it without hanging with the "old" crowd. Is there a group that does the same activity without all the drinking? Is there another way to fulfill whatever desire you have? Are you really doing what your heart desires, or have you just been following a well worn path because it's familiar? How can you stretch yourself?

These are some of the things my therapist helped me uncover. If yours isn't challenging you to get outside your box, maybe you need to look elsewhere?

L

DesertEyes

Hello there BS08, and pleased to "meet" you

It took me awhile to heal from my marriage of 20yrs. I think the pain and the time it takes is just part of being human. The ones that "get over it" in just a day or two are the ones that didn't really feel anything.

The way it worked for me is that every time I broke the no contact rule it was like picking at a scab. It just messed me up and I had to start all over again. That's why they call it _no_ contact, instead of "half-way contact" or "sometimes contact".

Yeah I felt that way too. What I had to realize is that in order to be _in_ a healthy relationship both people have to be healthy. As long as I was still obsessing on my ex, it was _me_ that was not healthy. What healthy woman is going to want to get involved with a guy who's head is with his ex?

Al-anon. And lots of it. Worked the steps, especially the fourth and fifth with a really good sponsor. Sponsored a couple guys and listend to _them_ as they worked thru their steps. Kept myself totally busy all day long with my condo, my art, new friends, anything to keep my mind off my obsession.

Not where I hang out. All of my friends are fairly normal. The ones that do drink do so normally, the ones that drink too much I stay away from and are no longer my friends. I met a charming young lady who's a member of a biker club out of Colorado. A sober biker club. I've met several other bikers here in Vegas who are also clean and sober. If bikers can live a healthy life without boozing it up, then anybody can.

I guess it depends on where you are looking, BS08.

I get days like that too. Some days I do really good and life is wonderful and some days I still get a twinge of pain for the fantasy that could have been. I think the big difference for me is that I have built myself a new life without my ex, something that I didn't think I could ever do. That didn't happen overnight, it happened little by little as I focused on working the program of al-anon.

Oh yeah, that biker chick out of Colorado? We've been dating for three years now and it's looking great.

Mike

MaryGoRound

BSO8,

I got your reply in my thread. I'm glad u posted today as well. I see a lot of similarities between us and I just had an aha! moment reading this thread as an observer...Lateeda did it for me...

I all of a sudden realize that this thing that happened between me and this person was HUGE. I think its going to take something more than a bubble bath to make me feel better, ya no what I mean?

I know what it feels like for people to pat u on the back and say go have fun, do something for urself..etc. And you're left to ponder how the f$@k do I have fun when my heart is torn in two? I'm so angry I could knife this s.o.b, Then I feel guilty, then I feel love again...Then I'm mad at myself And round and round u go.

Its going to take a something HUGE in return to get over this. Ha! This is so funny to me, I just realized that you really need to treat yourself as an addict and change your whole life and triggers. Maybe after some time we can go back to those places, but for now we need to do something COMPLETELY new...almost scary...ya with me?

I don't know about you, but I've already read Beattie..I've been to Al-anon..and I just want to get out and live, get over this. But its going to take work to invest in NEW things. I takes time to make those kinds of changes.And I'm the first to admit that I've done a horrible job of doing new and exciting things. I'm burnt out, I just want to rest and process, and I know what its like to feel like that person is following you around all the time (well, in my case..he was literally, but that's another story! lol), but I just realized its going to take BIG STEPS to fill that void I have now.

SO thank you, I love how we all can read each other's stories and always gain something by seeing the similarities. PLus it feels good to be able to help (codie!!!arg!) and have support @ the same time.

TakingCharge999

I get it BS08.

But I was thinking the other day the wound reopened --- before, it was RARE to smile or THINK of something else. Now after 1.5 years it is RARE that I think about him or obssess, the thought comes but I let it go more easily now. Progress!!

Also NO ONE knows how it is like to walk in your shoes so mourning times depend on the person.

I also think I would be more OK knowing this ex had some mourning time. The fact he has been drinking and having sex on the beach since week 1 after our separation, OUCH! hurts.

But it is important to gather the facts of what we lived and ended up on the very last minute we shared. Then not to 'peek' on whatever happened to him next... difficult I know, but otherwise I go insane with anger.

I tell myself at least what I live and feel is real. He lives in an invented world. Any comparison to mine is not fair. No fair play. There is just no fair play with addicts.

Care to share your "bad thing" list? can I share mine here?

TakingCharge999

A tactic shared by someone I dont remember sorry was to state emotionally void facts.

"I miss ex"
"It is cloudy today"
"Tomorrow there is a soccer match against Italy"
"I need a manicure"

It has helped me TONS.

Also to know I may miss the person as a friend not boyfriend. That makes more sense. WE were great friends. According to me at least.


Another tactic is to remember how you felt. How HE made you feel.
It is difficult for me to miss the past when I remember that person made me cry for weeks to no end and knew it and laughed it off infront of me.

From sadness/anger/resentment, I believe "nauseated" is a step away from indifference.......

stilllearning

Hi BS08,

I know the sort of pain you mean and I'm so sorry for the way you're feeling. I'm eight months out and the sting is out of the tail of it now, though I've had my ups and downs. He ended it, there was another woman and it was rough, rough, rough in the beginning. I don't know about concrete tools but I can tell you what worked for me.

1. Al-anon - and I got a sponsor at my second meeting. Over the months I looked hard at my family background and my dating history - it became clear that this was about way more than him, which helped take the focus off him. He's a small part of a big picture and that was the start of getting some perspective.

2. No contact. I called him once, about a month after things ended (he called it off by phone after a year together and that was that). One call was enough - same circular crud on his part that had turned my head inside out at the worst of times. I have totally avoided anyone who might know what he's doing, or how he's doing, since around the same time. This has meant turning down invitations, and even changing my route to work - and it's worth it. The one time someone felt the need to let me know how gaga his new girlfriend was about him, I was a wreck. If you can, I would highly recommend taking a break from mutual friends who will let you "catch wind" of his romantic trips - that stuff is painful.

3. I made a list of all the worst of times, chronologically. Times he had let me down, caused a crisis, gone M.I.A., pulled a stunt, been passive aggressive, or said something hurtful. Times I had lost sleep, paid his way, made excuses for him, changed my plans to accommodate him etc. I was really, really thorough and truth is that it started pretty early in the "honeymoon" period. Even the "good" times actually came with a big, heaping, helping of stress. I read that list often in the early days - or when I started obsessing about how happy he might be.

4. When the worst of the circular thinking was over I stopped analysing and what-iffing and I let myself be honest to god sad. Sad that it wasn't what I hoped it would be, sad that I loved someone who didn't or couldn't love me back and sad that I hadn't taken better care of myself in the relationship.

5. When the sad was over with I got very, very, very angry and I let myself feel that too.

6. I started reaching out to old friends to remember that I had a history long before him and that I'm a whole person lucky enough to have people in her life who genuinely like and respect her. Having people treat me with honesty, respect and care was really important and every time I had an honest interaction or a moment of connection it built me back up a little.

7. I read, read, read and read the boards some more as well as a tonne of literature. And I started to realize that, inherently, anyone who doesn't want to be with me - no matter what the reason - isn't the "right" person for me. I had some amazing moments with my ex and the personal chemistry was pretty unique. Doesn't outweigh lying, cheating, manipulating and picking alcohol over me, his family, work and taking any kind of responsibility for himself.

Sorry this is so long - I think that Al-anon and serious no-contact are the biggies. I also took on some new clients and have been really challenged at work - also great for the self-esteem.

I hope that things start to get better soon,

SL

MissFixit

It takes time, so don't beat yourself up for not going as fast as you want it to. Letting go is a process for many of us and it takes time to do it sincerely.

Not doing the same things we once did helps me. Not hanging out with mutual friends helps.

JenT1968

I have had other great loves in my life, I got over them, it took time, but the pain has entirely gone away, it is left with a benign indifference, tinged with the general goodwill I feel to all human beings.

Seperate your feelings for him and about the break-up and the relationship, from your hopes and fears for now and the future. You appear to have them tied together.

I have occaissional wallows where I wonder if I will ever love again, but that is entirely seperate to any sadness I have about AH and I. It's also making up a problem, I am not lonely NOW so why waste time getting worried that I might be lonely later on?

You and him didn't fit together, end of story, it doesn't matter WHY so much, there are no he's right/she's wrong, you didn't fit.

what does matter perhaps is why you were
a) so attracted to and
b) pursued a relationship with

someone who manifestly didn't supply what you need in a relationship.
Why you were so prepared to try and get him to change rather than pick someone who already exhibited the characteristics that you find worthwhile.

Once you get this figured out, and work out what your boundaries are in relation to what you are prepared to give in a relationship you have a chance of picking someone who is able to give you the unique things that you require and that you will be able to support in the unique ways that they need and you are prepared to do.

A healthy relationship will not "complete" you, a complete "you" may be able to participate in a healthy relationship.