willow70

Hi. I've been reading these threads for so long, I almost began to feel it'd be rude not to post... so here goes.

I'm a mother of two wonderful kids. I have a great husband. And I am worried about my dependence on wine to "cope". I don't drink a huge amount - usually about one-three glasses per night, with the occasional weekend overload of a bottle or so - but I don't like this feeling of "needing" the wine to relax as I cook for the kids, tidy the kitchen, get through that 6pm zone that all mothers know too well (I know I've got good company out there!). I don't blackout. I don't pass out. But I do know that I'm leaning on wine to numb something, to "take the edge off the day" - a phrase I grew up hearing and came to know as the alcoholic's alarm signal...

So, I'm here to lend support, to listen (good at that) and to learn some new coping strategies so I don't have to open another bottle of red to "take the edge off..." blah blah. I don't want to feel that I have to have wine to cope with my own two darling kids.

Thanks for listening. You are an awesome group of people, all struggling with something that, to different degrees, detrimentally affects our lives. There is no good in drinking like we do, be it a few glasses or a few bottles. It's not the drink, it's why we drink... I think! and that's what I want to get to the bottom of. I know about HALT (hunger / anxiety or anger / loneliness / tired) but I think I need to spend some more time looking at those. I might even print HALT out and stick it on the fridge now!

Anyway - out of the frying pan and into the fire. GOOD LUCK to everyone here.

Willow70

LovesToTravel

Soph

Hi Willow, your post sounds awfully familiar to me. I was also a 1-2 glasses a night wine drinker, sometimes 3.

I didn't like my dependence and when I quit, I found it so difficult - impossible actually - that I realized I was more than dependent, I had a real problem and have had for a long, long time.

AA is helping me, SR helps a ton and reading the books and literature.

Do you want to stop drinking? Or are you just trying to "cut down" or manage?

Peace,
Soph

least

Welcome to the SR family! I too was a wino and didn't like what it was doing to me. I don't miss it any more.

Lithobid

Willow,

The most frightening thing for me in the beginning was stopping the first time. I actually kept drinking for probably 3-4 years, just because I was afraid of what would happen if I tried to stop. I must say though, I'm glad that I've found AA and that fear didn't last too long for me, places like AA and SR really help. I'm not perfect, and I've gone back out and started drinking again several times, but I learn something new about myself each time, and luckily this time decided to stop again. Good luck on your journey, your in the right place.

Lithobid

willow70

Thanks everyone. I don't know whether I'm trying to quit or cut down... I just know that things aren't working as they are. And I agree that even the dependence on a couple of glasses is indicative of something else...

thanks again!

artsoul

Hi willow - glad you're here! Regardless of what you decide, it's a good thing to look at your drinking patterns and see if you may have a problem with alcohol. I could really relate to your story. You may want to talk to someone (doctor, counselor) about it. I know it's hard, but it's something I wish I had done before my drinking got worse. I had some underlying issues/depression that really needed to be addressed and used alcohol to self-medicate, not realizing how it was contributing to the problem. All the best to you!

ALF

Hi Willow,
Sounds just like me, only I'd pop a can of beer when I started doing the cooking and other household drudgery. I needed a substitute to drink while working around the house, so now I drink a bottle of water with a little lemon. Right now I'm on day 9. Seems to be getting easier, instead of holding a can of beer, I hold the bottle of water. Just gotta change our habits. Best of luck!

Bazel

Hi Willow - I can totally relate to your story because it is also mine. I am "happy" to hear someone else voice my feelings. I too, am a red wine drinker and need it to deal with my kids.....terrible. I know what my trigger was to start drinking. I have three children. I worked full time with my first, and then stayed home with my second and third. That was my first mistake. I couldn't handle the isolation, the loneliness, and the lack of communication so i took to having a drink of wine just to not feel as bad. HA! It got worse when my oldest (he is six years older) would come home from school and would be a normal kid, but in my mind, create chaos by bugging the toddlers. I HATED IT, I still do. My resentment grew to my husband (not sure how any of it was his fault , all he did was provide me with opportunity to stay home with my children) but it did, so I drank more often. I have to say though, and would love some advice or opinions - I too was a 2 -3 glass of wine a day drinker. I started early though because as I said, I hated the after school til supper time. So once I had picked up my oldest, I would have a glass just to get me through. More often than not, I would be sober again by bedtime. Although 5 years later, if I am honest, there were numerous occasions where it ended up being a bottle of wine and very drunk at bedtime. Stupid..... Anyways, my question is....I am typically a 2-3 glass of wine drinker, enough to just numb me. I am definitely not having any withdrawals and to be quite honest (this is only day 2 though), I feel just fine and somehow reading everyones posts have calmed me and normalized my feelings, but what I am wondering though is am I actually addicted or was it just a really bad habit I created????? Not sure if there is a difference but some insight would be nice. Sorry, rambled much too long but all these thoughts and feelings I've kept inside, it just feels good to get them out. Because habit or dependence, it really made me hate myself that I did, but I did it, and did it and did it....thoughts anyone? Am I an alcoholic or just a dumbass?

coffeenut

Welcome to SR, Willow. I lurked for 3 months before I joined.....so I 'get' what you are saying.

intention

Hi Willow

I think if you wanted to just cut down you would have tried it by now - and been successful at it.

But on the other hand you may see at the level you drink at you don't have all those consequences that us alcoholics have which leave us no option but to quit drink.

A lot of alcoholics (particularly the female ones) started as you are. Daily dependent drinking but controlled.

The problem with alcoholism is that we cross an invisible line from controlled drinking into uncontrolled drinking and we don't know it has happened until we have crossed it and then there is no going back. I am not suggesting that you are either an alcoholic or a potential alcoholic - that's something only you can decide for yourself.

But even with the levels you drink at it is having a detrimental effect on your brain and body. And your body is not getting a day off from processing the toxins you are putting into it.

You may find reading Beyond the Influence by Katherine Ketchum very useful. She talks alot about what alcohol is and what happens to our bodies when we drink it. Unfortunately I was too far gone by the time I picked up the book....

I am glad you are here seeking support and information before alcohol has become a big problem for you. Kids can be exhausting and challenging but knowing that I can enjoy my son without any drug in my system altering my mind is very precious to me. Children grow up so quickly.

Welcome to posting on SR.

Desert2trees

Welcome to SR Willow - so glad you are here!! :ghug3

I was not a daily drinker....(had other drugs that I used to cope ~ almost 5 mo clean now). I "played" with alcohol - socially - bars/parties/outdoor outings etc for years and years (not knowing it was a problem for me that I was not in control when I drank and made really really bad decisions) until a series of unfortunate events led me to find myself using alcohol to cope, relax, and just get through the evening. After I got off drugs, alcohol was the next escape mechanism in a series of such.

What led me to admit that it was a problem, was when I was in mid-breakup with my ex BF; I was preparing to move out, and he was freezing me out.... I have major abandonment issues that I am overcoming today. He didn't come home for hours one evening, and I found myself at the bottom of an entire bottle of red wine! (2 glasses and I was buzzed - so this time I was totally lit)

I was so sick that night, and beligerant, trying to go out and sing Karaoke drunk as a skunk.... by the time he showed up - I was so bad that I made a total as* of myself... couldn't get off the floor, couldn't walk, nothing - wasted. Next morning I had a monster hangover and got sick for four more hours. (not that I had never been sick or hungover before)

This time was different, and I'm really not sure why.... maybe all the recent losses (this lifechanging event happened on the 2 yr anniversary of my husband of 13 yrs death this year) were a factor. But, I was enlightened. Maybe I had a drinking problem....

I was introduced to SR a couple of days later. I found myself in so many people here, and realized I DID have a problem. I was escaping my grief, anxiety and life problems by altering my conciousness with alcohol - and I decided that I was not going to do it anymore.

I just needed to share that with you.... it wasn't a problem until it became one. I have six weeks sober today!!

for your post... it prompted me to finally post something myself in this forum. and again...
to SR!
Lori

artsoul

I think intention has a really good post on this. It's almost impossible to know how much we rely on alcohol until we try to quit. The Big Book of AA says that if we think we're not an alcoholic, there's a couple of tests: when you drink, try just having one and stopping. Or try to go for a year without it. (I was screwed either way!!) I found that it became increasingly part of my day and my thoughts. Maybe it becomes a problem when we choose it even though we think we shouldn't or don't want to.....?!?

I know what it's like to have small children (heck, even big children)! If I had to do it over again, I would have gotten at least a part time job. I think it would have helped a great deal with my depression/isolation. I don't know if it would have "solved" my issue with alcohol, though.

JohnnyRay

Welcome Willow70.

I can relate to lurking!

willow70

Thanks everyone - it's so comforting to hear everyone's stories and not to feel so alone. I really value the candid nature of this site, and everyone's willingness to share their experiences.

And Intention - thanks to you too. I think that's why I decided to post yesterday because although at this point I can control my drinking, I can see a slippery slope ahead of me and having witnessed the damage daily drinking can do to a family, I WILL NOT put my children through that. I also grew up in London, tho' now live in the US. Whenever I'm back in the UK I really notice the pub culture and particularly on young women. My regular drinking started back in my twenties when I was working... a couple of glasses of wine after work etc... and then I stopped while trying for kids, having babies etc... so why did I start again?

ALF - I'll be joining you with a bottle of water this evening - I've developed a taste for cucumber in the water (I can imagine I'm in a spa... ha ha!).

Bazal and everyone else who commented, THANKYOU. I have no idea what the future holds, but today I'm not drinking. Off to the gym now...

xo Willow70

intention

I rarely go to pubs but have just got back from one tonight and it was about half full when I left and it seemed most of those drinking were women in small groups.


I did that too. I found giving up for pregnancy and breastfeeding was easy because I always knew that I could drink again at some point. It was giving up when I knew that I had to give up forever, which was impossible for me (until working the AA program)

Dee74

Hi Willow
lots of good advice and discussion here already

I knew I was 'needing' the drink, and using it to 'take the edge off'...but I did nothing about it until I was drinking all day.

I think it's brilliant you can look at the problem now at this stage

Welcome aboard