Just Breathe1

I have been doing pretty well with NC over the past week. The thing is the apartment that my son and I are living in is in XABF's name. When he moved out it was supposed to be a separation for us to both work on us, and then try to work things out. Of course he hasn't worked on anything except drinking more and more. Either way right around the time that he moved out it was time to sign another lease or move. He offered to sign another lease and let us stay here, because I was and am not really in a place financially to move right now. Also, since he hasn't worked in months he wouldn't be able to keep the apartment anyways. So, I agreed that we would stay, thinking it would not be that big of a deal.

However, I have had to contact him twice since then for things that have to do with the apartment, since I'm not on the lease. The last time was about a week ago. The pool is about to open and the office sent a letter saying that the lease holder had to come and sign for a pool pass, that we have to have with us in order to use the pool. I texted him and asked him to take care of this. I also asked him to find out about getting me on the lease so that I don't have to contact him for this kind of stuff, he acted like I didn't even say that, just completely ignored that part. He said he called the office and they said that my son could come up there and pick up the pool pass. That, of course was BS, because they won't give a pool pass to just anyone without being able to prove that the person has a lease with the apartments. If they would give a pool pass to any 12 year old kid who came in there and asked for one, well why even bother having pool passes. So, I didn't say anything about it for a couple of days, but the pool is about to open, and my son is out of school now, and we want to be able to use the pool, it's hot!

So, I texted him again today saying that I don't know why he said that my son could go it, as that is not the way it works, and that if he just doesn't want to be bothered with it, and won't find out about getting me on the lease, then I think we should just move. I told him I am trying to honor my committment to stay til the end of the lease, but he is not honoring his as the lease holder. He responded saying that they told him my son could come get it (I don't believe that for a second), and that he would take care of it whenever he gets a chance. He said he doesn't understand why I have to come at him like that, he hasn't been able to do much, and as soon as he gets some gas money he will take care of it, and that if I want to just move then do whatever I want.

His response mad me angry. He doesn't understand why I have to come at him like that? Seriously? All the hell he has put me through, and he's upset about that? He's so good at playing the victim. Also, he hasn't been able to do much because he doesn't have gas money? Really? Am I supposed to feel sorry for him? I'm pretty positive he manages to have beer money! I wanted to say all of this to him, but for what, so I just responded with OK, and nothing else.

So, I'm not sure what the best thing to do is. I really am struggling financially, and could use the next 6 months to save money before moving. I have NO idea how I would come up with a security deposit, pet deposit, and money for a moving truck right now. Also, I do want to honor the committment I made to stay until the end of the lease. He wouldn't have signed another lease if I wouldn't have agreed to stay. The thing is I know he is not going to put me on the lease, as that would eliminate him from the picture, and he doesn't want to do that, and I don't want to have to deal with him for stuff like this. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

Pelican

Have you gone to the lease office or called to see if the pool pass is available? The worst thing that can happen is they tell you no, right?

I know when I first went NC with my alcoholic, I justified lots of reasons to call him and get him involved in my day-to-day life. It was a way for me to keep him involved in our lives.
I didn't want him off drinking and having fun while I had kids, job, critters and stress to deal with. It didn't seem fair. I wanted him to know how much I was struggling. I wanted him to know that the seperation wasn't a picnic for me.
I didn't usually get the response I wanted when I contacted him after asking him to leave.
I learned from my friends here at SR that my reaching out to him was my way of keeping the contact alive. I was creating more drama for myself than serenity each time I justified contacting him.

I learned to break the cycle by asking myself some questions before I picked up the phone to make contact.
I asked myself what was my motivation for the contact.
I asked myself what response did I hope to get.
I asked myself what response would I likely get based on past behavior.
I asked myself if I could wait 3 days to see if another option presented itself.

(I usually found another option/perspective after 3 days of no contact)

Just Breathe1

Thank you Pelican for your response. I do think I have done this before, and maybe I am this time, but I really do want to be able to use our pool, and I did speak to the office, and they told me what I told him, that the lease holder has to sign for it. They initiated this last summer, because there were lots of non residents using the pool. Ours was checked numerous times last summer while we were at the pool, so I know we need one in order to use the pool.

My issue at the moment is more not liking living in "his" apartment. This is also due to the fact that he thinks this means he can just show up and come in here whenever he wants, like when I'm at work. He comes over takes things, leaves nasty notes, does whatever he wants, and there is nothing I can do about it. I changed the locks, but I had to give a copy to the office, and he just gets the maintenance man to let him in, and since the apartment is in his name there is nothing I can do about it.

There really isn't anything I can do to change the situation right now anyways, so I guess I'm just venting more than anything. I can't afford to move, and he is not going to put me on the lease, and I'm sure he couldn't care less about the pool pass either. I mean it's just a pool pass right, no big deal. We will just have to go elsewhere to swim this summer, and I will just have to keep valuables hidden well, and try to get out of here asap.

Freedom1990

Sounds to me like that apartment and your commitment to the lease came with a slew of strings attached, and he's pulling them all.

Expecting an active alcoholic to act like anything other than an active alcoholic (ie., "he is not honoring his as the lease holder") is an exercise in futility, frustration, and disappointment.

Since you're not in a financial position to move, and you're committed to riding out the lease, what can you do to make you and your son's life as pleasant as possible in the meantime?