Am I doing the right thing?
The sun still shines
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Am I doing the right thing?
When my son was still living here, he tried to convince me that I should try pot. I know for a fact that he got his girlfriend into using drugs too, as well as some of his friends. The last 6 months that he lived here, I tried to keep my 14-year old and him apart. It wasn't that hard as my eldest live in an outside flatlet. Now that he has moved out I will allow no contact between him and my younger so. I am certain my eldest will try and convince my youngest of all the benefits of pot and other drugs and all the ills of society which therefore (in his mind) makes drugs OK? I just don't want to take the chance.
Am I too controlling?
Am I too controlling?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
As a minor, and a vulnerable one (being the much-younger son) he does fall under your "control" -- to a point. Do what you can, talk to your youngest about not only drug use, but the things that lead to drug and alcohol abuse in the first place.
I am an adult sponsor for an Alateen meeting. Last week I sat with a group of four teen-agers and we talked about the pull to use drugs (one was on the edge, "curious", but knowing it isn't a road she should go down), about close friends who use and needing to cut ties with them, and about boundaries. One young man uses pot himself, but knows it's not a lifestyle he wishes to engage in. He quietly sat in the meeting not saying anything, just believing that it was a place he belonged.
I would encourage you to find an Alateen meeting your son can belong to.
I am an adult sponsor for an Alateen meeting. Last week I sat with a group of four teen-agers and we talked about the pull to use drugs (one was on the edge, "curious", but knowing it isn't a road she should go down), about close friends who use and needing to cut ties with them, and about boundaries. One young man uses pot himself, but knows it's not a lifestyle he wishes to engage in. He quietly sat in the meeting not saying anything, just believing that it was a place he belonged.
I would encourage you to find an Alateen meeting your son can belong to.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
No, you are not.
My two daughters are 10 years apart. My oldest always resented the fact that her younger sister was born after I was clean/sober. There was no relationship between the two except resentment from the oldest.
When my oldest was serving a lengthy sentence for felony drug charges one county over, she started writing her younger sister letters.
I had a vague sense of uneasiness with it.
There were a lot of red flags already popping up with the youngest before that (she was 15), and I was desperately trying to get help for the two of us (that's a whole 'nother story I won't launch into).
The end result was my youngest was hurting, vulnerable, and got sucked into her sister's disease.
She ended up running away in the middle of the night, and my oldest was in the car with the guy who picked her up.
There was a restraining order placed on my oldest via the state (SRS stepped in and took custody of her once she turned herself in), and my youngest and I went through 17 long and painful months before she was allowed to come back home.
Her older sister had her completely convinced I was crazy, and that the state would award guardianship to her.
Now my youngest sees her older sister for what she is...a mentally ill addict/alcoholic who lies, manipulates, and has no inclination to change her life.
In looking back, would it have changed things had I forbidden the letter writing? I don't know.
I do know that the youngest and I did come away learning much from that whole dreadful experience.
The oldest however has learned nothing except how to continue her addict/alcoholic lifestyle.
My two daughters are 10 years apart. My oldest always resented the fact that her younger sister was born after I was clean/sober. There was no relationship between the two except resentment from the oldest.
When my oldest was serving a lengthy sentence for felony drug charges one county over, she started writing her younger sister letters.
I had a vague sense of uneasiness with it.
There were a lot of red flags already popping up with the youngest before that (she was 15), and I was desperately trying to get help for the two of us (that's a whole 'nother story I won't launch into).
The end result was my youngest was hurting, vulnerable, and got sucked into her sister's disease.
She ended up running away in the middle of the night, and my oldest was in the car with the guy who picked her up.
There was a restraining order placed on my oldest via the state (SRS stepped in and took custody of her once she turned herself in), and my youngest and I went through 17 long and painful months before she was allowed to come back home.
Her older sister had her completely convinced I was crazy, and that the state would award guardianship to her.
Now my youngest sees her older sister for what she is...a mentally ill addict/alcoholic who lies, manipulates, and has no inclination to change her life.
In looking back, would it have changed things had I forbidden the letter writing? I don't know.
I do know that the youngest and I did come away learning much from that whole dreadful experience.
The oldest however has learned nothing except how to continue her addict/alcoholic lifestyle.
The sun still shines
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Freedom, my children are also 10 years apart and my eldest resent the fact that I became such a calm mom by the time I had my second. I always felt he was jealous of the good relationship I have with my younger son and would give anything to destroy it.
I really wish for nothing more than to have the same with him, but it is not possible when you are dealing with the addiction and not the person.
I am thankful for the feedback. That's what my gut told me as well.
I really wish for nothing more than to have the same with him, but it is not possible when you are dealing with the addiction and not the person.
I am thankful for the feedback. That's what my gut told me as well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by wheredoiturn 
I really wish for nothing more than to have the same with him, but it is not possible when you are dealing with the addiction and not the person.
I am thankful for the feedback. That's what my gut told me as well.
I am thankful for the feedback. That's what my gut told me as well.
Go with your gut feeling.
Against my better judgment (and overriding my gut feelings), I did allow the AD into my home temporarily after she served her time, and that's when things went to hell in a handbasket.
It took her a month to turn my household upside down.
I booted her out, and it was just a few short days later that my youngest disappeared in the middle of the night.
It was a nightmare because she was missing for 5 days before she turned herself in. I had no idea if she was dead or alive.
I hope you continue to post here, and know you are among friends who understand. :ghug3
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