Nerdgirl

My BIL and SIL (siblings not married couple) are addicted to heroin and they live with my FIL in the same town as us. I keep telling my husband that he needs to have a talk with his enabling father to inform him of our no contact policy with regard to both of his drug addicted kids, because my FIL keeps trying to bring addicts into my house. As long as they are not in recovery I view them as a threat to my children and my home. We have been dodging the addicts since we made our decision, but they haven't put it together and neither has my FIL.

Anyway, long story short is that I have had problems with my FIL in the past and I have been begging my DH to talk to his father and siblings with regard to the no contact policy but he hasn't/won't do it. I believe that they need to have their exclusion from our lives spelled out so that they can register the loss as a direct consequence of their behavior. Likewise, my FIL needs to know that we are doing this to protect our kids, not because we're being petty.

I believe that if my husband won't do it I'm obligated to do it, but I'm not sure if this is the right move. I've had it and I'm tired of waiting for my husband because this anxiety is having a negative impact on my health. I plan to send a brief email indicating that we forbid contact until they are in real recovery. I guess what I need is support, because when this kind of thing goes down addicts respond with vicious attacks and I expect my FIL to attack me as well....

hello-kitty

I think that's fair. I don't think you need to be harsh. Email tends to be a terrible way to communicate difficult issues like boundaries so you may want to consider picking up the phone and calling. Keep it short and sweet. Stay calm. And if he becomes abusive you can just hang up.

For example:

Hi. I don't allow drug users in my home. Therefore I will not allow BIL and SIL in my home anymore. Thanks for respecting my personal boundaries and the safety of my children.

And if he is abusive towards you, all you have to say is:

I don't allow people to talk to me in a disrespectful manner. Love you but I've got to go. <<<click>>>

You'll find lots of support here on those points.

It helps me to keep the following saying in the back of my mind when I am telling others my personal boundaries:

Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.

Nerdgirl

Thanks for the encouragement. I know that I have to do this because my husband "doesn't want to stir up a hornets nest", yet I am literally sick with worry about accidental ingestions, sharps injuries, and which one of them is going to introduce my kids to drugs. It's going to be hard not to be mean, because I view them as real, living, breathing monsters coming to hurt my kids.

hello-kitty

Well, I'd try to leave that out of the conversation if you want to minimize conflict and hurt feelings. The fact is that they are mentally ill people who can't control themselves. That is their choice.

And your choice is not to deal with it.

keepinon

Many years ago I had to start setting boundaries with sil that I ltr found out wa on heroin. All i knew at the time was that her erratic and out of control behavior was making holidays, family gatherings, miserable. She also then got a scarred up pit bull from one of her drug dealers.. the dog lunged at my daughter and that was that. Told in laws that they could come to our house.. theirs didn't feel safe anymore. We didn't see them for 15 years. My sil got clean, but they never got recovery.This denial just tears families apart. You do what you have to do to keep your kids safe. I don't regret setting my boundaries.

Freedom1990

You don't have to respond to the attacks. If one of them calls clearly intending to attack you, tell them the conversation has ended and hang up.

If they send emails, re-route the suckers to the trash bin.

You are doing the right thing. Let them stew in their own juices.

:ghug3

Nerdgirl

Anvil, we haven't seen them since we decided to distance ourselves. But when we've invited my FIL to dinner at our house he asks the SIL to come over with him behind our backs. FIL can't be blamed because he's not a mind reader, and my husband is refusing to spell out our boundaries.

I need to talk/text/or email my FIL - I just have to remember to stick with the facts. We don't let drug addicts into our house, this is not negotiable. My opinions of them are not material, and would only serve to weaken any argument that it's not personal.

Chino

It doesn't sound like they're his boundaries, they are yours. If you play the tape forward, what do you see happening? Do you think your husband will own the boundary to his dad and siblings?

coffeedrinker

Hopefully you will get some peace when you have the conversation with FIL. It sounds as though your husband will simply not get on board, and that is sad for your marriage. But I would suggest doing as Hello Kitty said - a phone call is best, but that's a little scary because it's more confrontational. A text is probably not a good way -- I would consider that almost disrespectful.

I usually rehearse my statement, then just forge ahead and get it over with.

I would also consider dropping the ultimatum-type statement "forbid contact until they are in recovery". It sets you up for a stand-off that perhaps in the future would change (you may want to engage in a discussion with the addict one day should they decide they want to get clean, or want to talk about their addiction, there may one day be a family emergency in which the family should come together).

Soften it up a bit, but be firm in your boundary that you do not wish to interact with the addicts while still using. And be sure you inform your husband of your decision - don't go behind his back, even if you feel you have told him your feelings on this.

Good luck.

Nerdgirl

Thanks for the insightful comment. Though he says he's on board with going no contact, my husband said that if I say any of this to his dad that I am entirely responsible for dealing with any consequences. So, no, I really don't see him backing me up if I make a statement to my FIL as to boundaries. I asked DH how he would prefer to handle it and he said that he we (as a couple) should confront the addicts if and when they come over to our house. I don't know how I feel about this, because I'd prefer to just put it out there before addicts turn up on my doorstep, and I want my FIL to know how we feel about excluding addicts in our home.

Chino

Unfortunately, if you wait for a confrontation that's exactly what you'll get. How strong do you feel?

Nerdgirl

I'd prefer to have this go down without any ugliness in front of my kids, and if we do it DH's way I'm afraid that that is a very real possibility. There is some history with the in laws where they consistently have tried to minimalize my role in decision making in our household, so whatever we do we must be unified.

coffeedrinker

i would agree that it would be a mistake to wait until they show up and then you send them away. you'd surely ending up looking like more the bad guy that way as well.

Chino

Unified brings potential ugliness in front of children and the neighborhood, too. Alone brings potential personal attacks on you without support from your husband. Both ways involve ugliness because active addicts/codependents don't usually respond well to boundaries. That was a huge understatement, too.

Which one are you able to deal with better?

By the way, I want you to know I've had to deal with this type of thing with my husband, too. Not with in-laws but many other people and situations. He's a passive/aggressive control freak who'd rather keep his head in the sand.

I'm a recovering passive/aggressive control freak, but never had my head in the sand about other people and situations, just my own issues

Nerdgirl

So, in case y'all want to know what happened....

My husband texted his dad and told him to keep them away. Thank God because this was executed without my presence or help.

My FIL (in the insane codependent way) says that it's my husband's fault that the addict's heart is broken - when all we're doing is reacting to people choosing to abuse drugs. If the addict's heart is broken then they should look in the mirror for someone to blame.

coffeedrinker

glad your husband did the right thing (even tho imo the texting was the less ideal way...probably the confrontation would have been very difficult for husband)

Nerdgirl

I'm just relieved.

My FIL is completely in the dark. My FIL said that if my BIL starts using it's my husband's fault for clarifying the boundaries. When my DH got wind of my FIL's sentiment he was totally disgusted and, if I can asume anything, more than a little let down by his father.

But it's done now, all we have to do now is stick with it and not waver in the least.

outtolunch

Your husband is not that powerful that he can cause someone to use drugs. FIL is delusional. Pity him. Move on.

Nerdgirl

Totally! FIL is getting a copy of the book Codependent No More for father's day from me, I know he's not ready for his own recovery from codependency but the book will be there for him when he's ready.