What made me decide to clean up?
Scars,Souvineers we never lose
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 325
What made me decide to clean up?
Sorry guys but posting is very theraputic for me, or at least has been, of course I could do it in a notebook and not for a ton of people to read, but I am getting so much help from even my most jumbeled of ramblings, and I guess this is what this site is for, so I feel the need to tell the story of how I decided to get sober, and why I am as serious about it... like I have never been before.
I can not believe this is MY life were talking about here and the damage I have done is just really all becomming clear to me, it has apparently been crystal clear to others for some time.
My friend that ulitmately lead me to get help (who used WITH me all the time previously and in the really bad way, they are all bad but he did the worst with me, the shooting up ewwww) told ME I neeed to "get help now" "before its too late" and to "think about what I am doing to my husband and daughter."
I was really mad at him, right before he sent those words to me, b/c before he sent this, I had gotten so wasted she night before (last Saturday night)and sent him a bunch of (me blacked out) very innaproptiate text messages (for someone married
.
He is friends with my husbandd as well so he called my husband and asked him to come to his house. I knew during that time he was at his house, even though I couldnt remember specifics, that I had done someething wrong b/c he did not want me there and that was a first. He had my husband come to his house and then he showed him all the text messages I had sent to my friend, b/c he knew I had gone to a bad place, and they were the direct result of drinking. He knew it wasnt me to write those things, b/c of all the time this friend and I spent shooting up OC's a nd heroin a couple times, I had never said or acted in a way that would lead him to even believe I was capable of sending those messages to him and he didnt know why I chose him b/c he and my husband luckily both knew I couldnt have possibly really meant any of the rubbish i sent in the message, i.e. "wanting him" (is a G rated one for ya) So seeing these totally out of characted but knowing i had also done some recent other innapropriate things for a married woman to do who has always been the most faithful person to my husband for almost 15 year (and Im only 33) So reading these messages like those, let him know, that if I were capable of writing those things that I was really bad off.
I was mad at him, at first, for not talking to me directly before my husband, like a tattle tale (is how I justified it at first) but didnt approach me as a friend, to talk about it before running to my husband. After I left him a couple pisssed of voice mails (which again is very out of character for me)
I now know that I was more mad at him for going to my husband, b/c I was busted as opposed to feeling like he should have came to me first, instead of my husband.)
When I asked him why he did it he said he knew if he tried to talk to me "it would have fallen on deaf ears" thats why he showed my husband the texts.
I am very grateful to this friend, we havent spoken since, except for a lenghtly apology I sent him for doing what I did, and for the nasty voice mails I sent to him when I was mad that he didnt talk to me first, when obviously I was more mad he told my husband b/c that were one more twist of the knife in my sweet husbands back b/c of something I have done since I have been flailing around in what I know is my bottom. I have done several things like the innaproptiate texts to a male, like this AFER I did the ultimate betrayel to him once, which he forgave me for (I dontt know how) and we were trying to mend our marriage and then he has to see those texts and just have his heart broken again.
I read about this type of behaviour in the Big Book and it is relieving to see that this has gone on for a long time for alcoholics, which set in stone fo rme that is what I am, its there in the book in black and white and there is a couple pages I desperately want to read to my husband b/c not that I should be completely excused, in his mind, for doing what I did the BB explains it perfectly in a couple pages that I was in fact insane a t that time b/c of the alcohol and that I had been on several occassions. My husband already knew this but ofr me to be able to show it to him in black and white, I think will ease his mind, that I didnt mean any of the things I sent to my friend in the texts but that I was very sick and insane at the time.
I know its not an excuse, but I REALLY dont remember writing the texts, but I am NOW very glad I did, b/c they got me to AA, and back here, and he may as well saved my life by showing my husband those texts.
My friend (that yes was shooting up with me just over a month ago, a lot) doesnt have a wife or children or basically any responsibilities but to go to school, called me out for doing the same thing he did which made me mad at first as well, but he saw my rapid demise, b/c his father killed himself when he was 10 b/c his fathers was an alcoholic, so although this friend of mine used with me in the worst way, he has never drank in his life and he told my husband he could remember what his father looked like right before he killed himself, and thats the look I now had in my eyes. He was right I was so very depressed at the time this happened.
So the point of that novel was just to let you know where this fire for me to recover is coming from, I was going to kill myself, either directly or by accident, but when someone who was there doing it with me, for a while, now thinks I am a monster alcoholic junkie, I knew then beyond a shadow of a doubt I have very serious problems that could lead to my death.
Recovery, for me is not an option at this point, it's saving my life, and my husbands and especially small beautiful daughters (that absolutely adores me and I her) B/c I wanted to get drunk and high, they would have been left all alone for the rest of their lives.
The immense selfishness I was wrapped up in, was at a terribly level by this time, and the depression I was getting from this nasty cycle of using and drinking to feel better, and making very poor decisions for myself while using, and really not even caring (which is the main factor) in addition to the using was going to kill me.
So here I am... fighting for my life.
Thanks for listening and if anyone made it to the end of this novel...thanks for reading...it just helps to write to sort it out for me.
<3 Dream
I can not believe this is MY life were talking about here and the damage I have done is just really all becomming clear to me, it has apparently been crystal clear to others for some time.
My friend that ulitmately lead me to get help (who used WITH me all the time previously and in the really bad way, they are all bad but he did the worst with me, the shooting up ewwww) told ME I neeed to "get help now" "before its too late" and to "think about what I am doing to my husband and daughter."
I was really mad at him, right before he sent those words to me, b/c before he sent this, I had gotten so wasted she night before (last Saturday night)and sent him a bunch of (me blacked out) very innaproptiate text messages (for someone married
.He is friends with my husbandd as well so he called my husband and asked him to come to his house. I knew during that time he was at his house, even though I couldnt remember specifics, that I had done someething wrong b/c he did not want me there and that was a first. He had my husband come to his house and then he showed him all the text messages I had sent to my friend, b/c he knew I had gone to a bad place, and they were the direct result of drinking. He knew it wasnt me to write those things, b/c of all the time this friend and I spent shooting up OC's a nd heroin a couple times, I had never said or acted in a way that would lead him to even believe I was capable of sending those messages to him and he didnt know why I chose him b/c he and my husband luckily both knew I couldnt have possibly really meant any of the rubbish i sent in the message, i.e. "wanting him" (is a G rated one for ya) So seeing these totally out of characted but knowing i had also done some recent other innapropriate things for a married woman to do who has always been the most faithful person to my husband for almost 15 year (and Im only 33) So reading these messages like those, let him know, that if I were capable of writing those things that I was really bad off.
I was mad at him, at first, for not talking to me directly before my husband, like a tattle tale (is how I justified it at first) but didnt approach me as a friend, to talk about it before running to my husband. After I left him a couple pisssed of voice mails (which again is very out of character for me)
I now know that I was more mad at him for going to my husband, b/c I was busted as opposed to feeling like he should have came to me first, instead of my husband.)
When I asked him why he did it he said he knew if he tried to talk to me "it would have fallen on deaf ears" thats why he showed my husband the texts.
I am very grateful to this friend, we havent spoken since, except for a lenghtly apology I sent him for doing what I did, and for the nasty voice mails I sent to him when I was mad that he didnt talk to me first, when obviously I was more mad he told my husband b/c that were one more twist of the knife in my sweet husbands back b/c of something I have done since I have been flailing around in what I know is my bottom. I have done several things like the innaproptiate texts to a male, like this AFER I did the ultimate betrayel to him once, which he forgave me for (I dontt know how) and we were trying to mend our marriage and then he has to see those texts and just have his heart broken again.
I read about this type of behaviour in the Big Book and it is relieving to see that this has gone on for a long time for alcoholics, which set in stone fo rme that is what I am, its there in the book in black and white and there is a couple pages I desperately want to read to my husband b/c not that I should be completely excused, in his mind, for doing what I did the BB explains it perfectly in a couple pages that I was in fact insane a t that time b/c of the alcohol and that I had been on several occassions. My husband already knew this but ofr me to be able to show it to him in black and white, I think will ease his mind, that I didnt mean any of the things I sent to my friend in the texts but that I was very sick and insane at the time.
I know its not an excuse, but I REALLY dont remember writing the texts, but I am NOW very glad I did, b/c they got me to AA, and back here, and he may as well saved my life by showing my husband those texts.
My friend (that yes was shooting up with me just over a month ago, a lot) doesnt have a wife or children or basically any responsibilities but to go to school, called me out for doing the same thing he did which made me mad at first as well, but he saw my rapid demise, b/c his father killed himself when he was 10 b/c his fathers was an alcoholic, so although this friend of mine used with me in the worst way, he has never drank in his life and he told my husband he could remember what his father looked like right before he killed himself, and thats the look I now had in my eyes. He was right I was so very depressed at the time this happened.
So the point of that novel was just to let you know where this fire for me to recover is coming from, I was going to kill myself, either directly or by accident, but when someone who was there doing it with me, for a while, now thinks I am a monster alcoholic junkie, I knew then beyond a shadow of a doubt I have very serious problems that could lead to my death.
Recovery, for me is not an option at this point, it's saving my life, and my husbands and especially small beautiful daughters (that absolutely adores me and I her) B/c I wanted to get drunk and high, they would have been left all alone for the rest of their lives.
The immense selfishness I was wrapped up in, was at a terribly level by this time, and the depression I was getting from this nasty cycle of using and drinking to feel better, and making very poor decisions for myself while using, and really not even caring (which is the main factor) in addition to the using was going to kill me.
So here I am... fighting for my life.
Thanks for listening and if anyone made it to the end of this novel...thanks for reading...it just helps to write to sort it out for me.
<3 Dream
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Thanks for sharing Dream.
I think it''s good to get all that stuff out - and doing it here means you can come back to it whenever you like and remind yourself of what it was like?
Keep posting
D
I think it''s good to get all that stuff out - and doing it here means you can come back to it whenever you like and remind yourself of what it was like?
Keep posting
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
Hey there D2b,
Talking [typing] out loud does offload alot of the mental burden and free floating stuff that gets lodged in my head sometimes.
It's good to get it out. Hope it helped you as well.
Glad you posted - it's a great start. To keep it going, do you have any plans for your recovery?
Talking [typing] out loud does offload alot of the mental burden and free floating stuff that gets lodged in my head sometimes.
It's good to get it out. Hope it helped you as well.
Glad you posted - it's a great start. To keep it going, do you have any plans for your recovery?
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
If you want to type things out, but not 'post', there's a great blog function here too.. other people CAN read it, but it's not actually posted as a new thread in the forum.
It's way easier to type things out than write them in notebooks, I agree w/ you there!
It's way easier to type things out than write them in notebooks, I agree w/ you there!
Scars,Souvineers we never lose
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 325
Hey HB, I have 4 days now, been to AA 3 times, a woman meetin tonight where I got a temp sponsor which was my goal of the day, so I am very excited about that. I have issues w/ opiates too but I am now taking my meds (due to spinal fusion sx.) as prescribed for the first time in , lets be hones since about a month after starting them so far a good 1 and 1/2 years. I am going to my Dr. early next week to let him know i have been abusing them (snorting and shooting stopped the shooting a month ago an d the snorting yesterday) I know these are hell to come off of I have done it almost every money since being on them and running our but now I know too many dealers and pay street prices after my script runs out and its horrendous prices, but I may go on sub for as short as possible or just try to wean off what I have now but also see what my Dr says next week.
I have been using this board religiously and praying morning and evening and whenever I remember or feel the need throughout the day so I can try to rebuild that relatinship and get God first in my life again.
So Ive got AA, a sponsor!!!!, God and SR....
That's the plan, so far so good!
Smacked, that's a really good idea about the blog b/c then people wont see posts from me and although I consider myself "detailed" in my writing but since I'm on this whole honesty kick
I know I am actually more "long winded" in my writing, so when I am just writing like this to share bu dont really warrant a response i should use the blog area so that people dont see posts form me and immediately think oh no not another novel from dream HA HA!
Thank you guys!
<3 Dream
I have been using this board religiously and praying morning and evening and whenever I remember or feel the need throughout the day so I can try to rebuild that relatinship and get God first in my life again.
So Ive got AA, a sponsor!!!!, God and SR....
That's the plan, so far so good!
Smacked, that's a really good idea about the blog b/c then people wont see posts from me and although I consider myself "detailed" in my writing but since I'm on this whole honesty kick
I know I am actually more "long winded" in my writing, so when I am just writing like this to share bu dont really warrant a response i should use the blog area so that people dont see posts form me and immediately think oh no not another novel from dream HA HA!Thank you guys!
<3 Dream
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 285
Thanks for the post dream. Might I suggest you print it out and keep it with you for awhile. I kept my 'goodbye letter to drugs/alcy' that I wrote in treatment with me for my first year. Whenever I felt like using, I just took out that piece of paper and read in my own words why it was a bad idea.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Oh no, I wasn't meaning you should post privately! Just figured you might like creating a blog about your recovery journey since writing seems cathartic to you post away, we can all learn from each other!
post away, we can all learn from each other!
Scars,Souvineers we never lose
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 325
Oh no Smacked, I got you on that, I would post it but just use the blog section.
Sorry, I didnt mean so people wouldnt see the blog posts, I just meant so peoople dont see my posts in genral and get scared of how long it is before they open it up if I know I am going to go to town with a long story, that doesnt really pertain to anything except for me needing to ramble.
I agree with you about posting publically, thats why I am doing it, not only is it good for me, but if it helps anyone, anyone at all that reads it, I am willing to be an open book through this process! I deactivated my facebook for now, b/c I dont have timne for wasting time there (which I was doing a lot during my using for me persoanlly) reallly wasting time taking silly quizzes, talking to people I probably shouldnt from my past etc. It will suck b.c I love to post pics there of my daughter for family, but they will just have to get emails for now, b/c I want all of my computer time to go to SR during this most important phase of my recovery, maybe for good.
My poor new sponsor is in for it wikth all of my "details", HAHA!
<3 Dream
Sorry, I didnt mean so people wouldnt see the blog posts, I just meant so peoople dont see my posts in genral and get scared of how long it is before they open it up if I know I am going to go to town with a long story, that doesnt really pertain to anything except for me needing to ramble.
I agree with you about posting publically, thats why I am doing it, not only is it good for me, but if it helps anyone, anyone at all that reads it, I am willing to be an open book through this process! I deactivated my facebook for now, b/c I dont have timne for wasting time there (which I was doing a lot during my using for me persoanlly) reallly wasting time taking silly quizzes, talking to people I probably shouldnt from my past etc. It will suck b.c I love to post pics there of my daughter for family, but they will just have to get emails for now, b/c I want all of my computer time to go to SR during this most important phase of my recovery, maybe for good.
My poor new sponsor is in for it wikth all of my "details", HAHA!
<3 Dream
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