Sorry for the disappearance. Relapsed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: new jersey
Posts: 11
Sorry for the disappearance. Relapsed.
Hey all,
I've missed posting on here as of late. To get right down to it, I relapsed.
I had a solid 6 weeks when I first joined SR, and I mentioned taking two hits on a blunt.
But it's been a solid two months since I smoked a couple grams in a sitting. Sunday night, I went to dinner with my 7 future house-mates and ended up staying at my best* friend's house. In short, we smoked a bowl in the car ad then proceeded to go to her friend's house and smoked a blunt and few joints to the face. I felt so awkward during. I was enjoying the high, yet I also didn't get the feeling I originally anticipated.
The next day I felt a little guilty, but perked up and was ready to move on... But I'm so much more anxious and nervous about living with these people. They bring out the worst in me. When I was high on Sunday, I even talked about doing ecstasy and going to one of my favorite artist's concerts. Even as the words came out of my mouth, I knew I would have mixed feelings.
Ugh, why do I do this to myself.
*I use the term loosely -- she's not at all my best friend, and she's quite poisonous... but my issues with her, as well as her issues with me, are for a different post.
I've missed posting on here as of late. To get right down to it, I relapsed.
I had a solid 6 weeks when I first joined SR, and I mentioned taking two hits on a blunt.
But it's been a solid two months since I smoked a couple grams in a sitting. Sunday night, I went to dinner with my 7 future house-mates and ended up staying at my best* friend's house. In short, we smoked a bowl in the car ad then proceeded to go to her friend's house and smoked a blunt and few joints to the face. I felt so awkward during. I was enjoying the high, yet I also didn't get the feeling I originally anticipated.
The next day I felt a little guilty, but perked up and was ready to move on... But I'm so much more anxious and nervous about living with these people. They bring out the worst in me. When I was high on Sunday, I even talked about doing ecstasy and going to one of my favorite artist's concerts. Even as the words came out of my mouth, I knew I would have mixed feelings.
Ugh, why do I do this to myself.
*I use the term loosely -- she's not at all my best friend, and she's quite poisonous... but my issues with her, as well as her issues with me, are for a different post.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 261
I remember answering to your last thread. It sounds like you decided to move into the house even though you are well aware of all the temptations. As i'm reading your post, I'm not even getting the feeling that you even want to quit. I remember your last post where you wanted to quit those addictions. Hate to rain on your parade but it doesnt sound like you have a solid plan. Once you truly decide that you want to quit, help is always available.
Scars,Souvineers we never lose
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 325
Dont be sorry just use the way you feel to fuel the fire for your recovery. Welcome back, I am just coming back too.
I hope that we both will stick around this time.
We can do it, I am here if you need me along with the rest of the wonderful people here at SR!
I hope it doesnt happen again but if it does dont be sorry and dont be worried about coming back. Its the only way we are going to get healthy!
Good Luck!
<3 Dream
I hope that we both will stick around this time.
We can do it, I am here if you need me along with the rest of the wonderful people here at SR!
I hope it doesnt happen again but if it does dont be sorry and dont be worried about coming back. Its the only way we are going to get healthy!
Good Luck!
<3 Dream
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Welcome back Lucy and I am 100% with Dee on that the house doesn't sound like a good thing at all for you. I would try and get out of that situation. I know if I were in a house with a bunch of drunks.....eeekk.....it would make my sobriety so much more difficult.
Please do everything you can to try and find an alternate living situation.
All the best!!
Please do everything you can to try and find an alternate living situation.
All the best!!
New Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 162
I second the other's in that the living situation will not aid in your hopes for recovery. Recovery is a lifestyle change, literally, I had & continue to change mine on a daily basis. It's madness, but the best I've known. It's difficult, but there are so many people willing & eager to help, as corny as it maybe, all you have to do is branch out 
thoughts are with you lucy! We can do this
thoughts are with you lucy! We can do this
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Lucy, just by the sounds of what you and your entourage did in a small amount of time, it seems like you will have another few years before you come near recovery. Sorry to be a _______, but you're not going to get on a good road by sticking with these people. Are they dealing with self-questioning, feelings of guilt, concern; involving themselves on a website like this? We don't know. But you are. I was supposedly the smaller partier a long time ago, but to my knowledge, not they but I ended up the one with the addiction problem. I could have chosen to do things differently back then too.
I think you should take the "other story" about the best friend and look at why you are including that person and the others in your life, ie why is there a hand and glove there. It has to do with what's inside you. It was for me, and it was false crap.
I think you should take the "other story" about the best friend and look at why you are including that person and the others in your life, ie why is there a hand and glove there. It has to do with what's inside you. It was for me, and it was false crap.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Hi Lucy. I remember your previous post about your 'college' house.
I remember posting that I have had to totally dedicate my life to my sobriety and recovery. This means not being able or wanting to hang around with people who use drugs or drink alcohol excessively. I had to totally immerse my life in recovery and do everything possible to stay away and change my people, places, things (as they say in AA).
Otherwise I would have been back drinking and taking drugs pretty quickly.
I found that drinking and drugs got a much more desperate feeling to them once I had thoughts of needing/wanting to quit. But I had to truly want to quit or I was just wasting my time.
If you truly want to stay clean/sober then I probably think that living with these people isn't going to help that goal. I relate to what you say about talking about Ecstacy. I would go from a dry few weeks of saying I'm going to quit to going back to drinking again with old acqaintances and then doing E's and Coke to chase the high. Like I say I had to chase away that guilt that wishing to quit had put into me.
It's all downhill from here if you keep using/drinking.
All The Best . I had to totally accept that I'm an alcoholic/addict. I had to be able to be comfortable telling these people straight too. It left me no escape routes to go back to. They all know I go to AA and I am an alcoholic. They knew anyway that I was a drunk but an alcoholic means they leave me alone. They respect me for it really though to be honest. I love how it goes through the grapevine, being in AA and a recovering alcoholic/addict. Just like when you get busted for drink-driving or caught by the cops for possession or having your house robbed by 'mates'. Apart from I have no shame for this 'whisper' so can hold my head up high.
Peace x
I remember posting that I have had to totally dedicate my life to my sobriety and recovery. This means not being able or wanting to hang around with people who use drugs or drink alcohol excessively. I had to totally immerse my life in recovery and do everything possible to stay away and change my people, places, things (as they say in AA).
Otherwise I would have been back drinking and taking drugs pretty quickly.
I found that drinking and drugs got a much more desperate feeling to them once I had thoughts of needing/wanting to quit. But I had to truly want to quit or I was just wasting my time.
If you truly want to stay clean/sober then I probably think that living with these people isn't going to help that goal. I relate to what you say about talking about Ecstacy. I would go from a dry few weeks of saying I'm going to quit to going back to drinking again with old acqaintances and then doing E's and Coke to chase the high. Like I say I had to chase away that guilt that wishing to quit had put into me.
It's all downhill from here if you keep using/drinking.
All The Best . I had to totally accept that I'm an alcoholic/addict. I had to be able to be comfortable telling these people straight too. It left me no escape routes to go back to. They all know I go to AA and I am an alcoholic. They knew anyway that I was a drunk but an alcoholic means they leave me alone. They respect me for it really though to be honest. I love how it goes through the grapevine, being in AA and a recovering alcoholic/addict. Just like when you get busted for drink-driving or caught by the cops for possession or having your house robbed by 'mates'. Apart from I have no shame for this 'whisper' so can hold my head up high.
Peace x
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
I would have to agree with what seems to be unanimous feedback: these folks will probably make your efforts to stay clean and sober extremely difficult! If you relapsed after just one evening out with them, I think you can imagine how challenging constant contact with them is going to be. You may also find that they will have an ambivalent and unsupportive attitude about your recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: new jersey
Posts: 11
Thank you for the advice, support, and reality checks everyone.
I'm in the middle of trying to wiggle out of the lease I've signed, but as I'm sure you can all imagine its a little tough. Even though I paid the 693$ for my deposit on the house, my parents don't want me to lose a chunk of money. (I could care less, if it means being in a better situation.) My parents are also worried about where I'll live instead of the house I signed onto months ago, before I had any desire to be sober.
There is a recovery house at my university, thankfully, and my counselor says he'll help get me in if I so desire. Tomorrow, I'm going to a BBQ and NA meeting at the house -- I'm banking on meeting a lot more sober people there, and make the whole ordeal of dropping my "friends" and house mates a little easier.
Not sure what I'll do if I get out of the lease and don't get into the recovery house, however... Although I think I'm getting a little ahead of myself. I'm focusing on getting out of the aforementioned lease. Also, going to my first non-student NA meeting tonight and I'm both nervous and excited.
Haven't smoked since the weekend, nor have I had the desire. I've come to terms with the fact that, at this point, the only time I want to be intoxicated at all is with certain friends.
This is a new feeling for me. I've never had to break-up with a group of friends before. But it's for the better, and I'm finally putting myself and my health before everything else.
Thanks again everyone.
I'm in the middle of trying to wiggle out of the lease I've signed, but as I'm sure you can all imagine its a little tough. Even though I paid the 693$ for my deposit on the house, my parents don't want me to lose a chunk of money. (I could care less, if it means being in a better situation.) My parents are also worried about where I'll live instead of the house I signed onto months ago, before I had any desire to be sober.
There is a recovery house at my university, thankfully, and my counselor says he'll help get me in if I so desire. Tomorrow, I'm going to a BBQ and NA meeting at the house -- I'm banking on meeting a lot more sober people there, and make the whole ordeal of dropping my "friends" and house mates a little easier.
Not sure what I'll do if I get out of the lease and don't get into the recovery house, however... Although I think I'm getting a little ahead of myself. I'm focusing on getting out of the aforementioned lease. Also, going to my first non-student NA meeting tonight and I'm both nervous and excited.
Haven't smoked since the weekend, nor have I had the desire. I've come to terms with the fact that, at this point, the only time I want to be intoxicated at all is with certain friends.
This is a new feeling for me. I've never had to break-up with a group of friends before. But it's for the better, and I'm finally putting myself and my health before everything else.
Thanks again everyone.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Congratulations for taking charge of things! You ought to be very proud of yourself.
Let's hope you can get into the recovery housing - that sounds awesome. If not, is there a waiting list? Maybe you could find a month-to-month rental situation until there's an open space. Or check out if the school has a bulletin board or list of people wanting roomates and try to get someone who doesn't drink or use drugs. (Just throwing out my thoughts here....
)
Do your parents know "why" you'd like to get out of the lease (in other words, can you tell them these friends are big partiers and you decided it would not be good for you?)
Let's hope you can get into the recovery housing - that sounds awesome. If not, is there a waiting list? Maybe you could find a month-to-month rental situation until there's an open space. Or check out if the school has a bulletin board or list of people wanting roomates and try to get someone who doesn't drink or use drugs. (Just throwing out my thoughts here....)Do your parents know "why" you'd like to get out of the lease (in other words, can you tell them these friends are big partiers and you decided it would not be good for you?)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: new jersey
Posts: 11
My mom knows that I smoke a lot of weed (or used to) and she's aware that I've quit drinking on top of that. She is completely unaware of my prior, extensive drug use outside of alcohol and pot. My stepdad is a DEA agent, so one would think he could tell I am (was? what's the proper terminology here?) a pothead, but due to his job he's never vocalized any type of accusation or concern.
I tried telling them my roommates party much, much harder than I do and that I forsee it causing problems but both my mom and stepdad want me to see how the summer goes.
I'm flying back to CA, my home land, in mid-July; I'm glad I'll have a month and a half at home without the temptations of friends, but I'm also nervous about being thrust into the same environment I was in at my lowest. (By lowest, I mean most profuse drug use, not lowest level of use.)
I tried telling them my roommates party much, much harder than I do and that I forsee it causing problems but both my mom and stepdad want me to see how the summer goes.
I'm flying back to CA, my home land, in mid-July; I'm glad I'll have a month and a half at home without the temptations of friends, but I'm also nervous about being thrust into the same environment I was in at my lowest. (By lowest, I mean most profuse drug use, not lowest level of use.)
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
lucyford - I'm frankly surprised at your parents' attitude and sorry they are not more supportive of your idea...but then again, maybe the money is a very big issue for them and they are not aware of the extent of your drug use. I hope you find a solution and are able to get into the sober house...that would be awesome!
Best of luck to you -- take care of yourself. It's important.
(PS - I'm the mother of an addict)
Best of luck to you -- take care of yourself. It's important.
(PS - I'm the mother of an addict)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Atlanta Georgia
Posts: 46
Hey Lucyford, I quit drinking/useing 8 days ago today. Im 20 and my parents first picked up on relizing I had a problem with alcohol at 16. I never though in my life I would do cocaine,morphine,etc.... When I started doing that stuff, I sure as hell wasent going to tell them I was doing that too. I mean they knew I tried pot, but then again I never liked smoking, so they were like everyone tries it. I've been in the hospital 3 times this year for od's off drugs/alcohol. One of the times I had a heart attack 12 days before my 20th b day from mixing coke and alcohol. I wish I would have atleast told my parents that i was trying that S***, rather than them finding out themselves through the hospital. I don't know, If you tell them and are straight up, you might get more oppertunites than you think. I thought my parents would despise me for the stuff I did. I wound up getting more support than anything. I just had to move back in with my parents, to get away from the enviroment and roomates I had. I deleted all those folks #'s, started AA yesterday and think I have more numbers in there now than I did before. Good luck with it, Jonathon
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