atdawn

STBXAH is in a treatment center at the moment.
I received a form from the center. they ask me to describe how his drinking has affected:
1) me as a person
2) the relationship
3) the family

they say 'the client is open and receptive to this type of honest feedback at this point in treatment, feel free to be specific, open and completely honest'

my parents think I should not reply. their reaction is 'he knows what it did to you and the family'.

As for me I am tempted to reply
1) almost destroyed
2) destroyed
3) destroyed

probably too harsh...
but then I do not really feel like pouring it all out, I feel more like getting on with my life.

And in the end, if I think it through, it is not really his drinking that affected me, it is more that I let his drinking affect me, I guess.... nothing forced me to stick it out for so long...

I am a bit confused about this. Did any of you ever send that kind of feedback to your AH/AW?

kv816

Because in all the years that we stuck with them, hoping and praying for the best, they were so kind and gentle to us and heaven forbid we give them some honesty.

Do what feels best for you (even if that means doing nothing). Just be honest, even if you do think it's cruel. "I know this is going to sound harsh and I'm not saying it to hurt you or upset you, but the fact is me, the relationship, the family, have been all but completely destroyed by your actions."

Short, sweet and too the point.

Hugs sweetie!!!

Bernadette

I like your reply.
Succinct. Accurate. True.
And writing 3 words takes so little time!

Reply or don't - it's up to you.

How are you doing getting on with your life? Alcoholics who go to treatment have a whole plan/program laid out before them. Those of us who love/cope with alcoholics in our life have to cobble together our own plan....not easy. AlAnon was key for me. And free!

Wishing you all the best on your journey!
peace-
b

BadCompany

He only knows his perception of the harm he caused, which is fine to start with if that is all he has, but the added perspective you might share will help move the recovery process down the road a bit quicker.

For example, in my upbringing, My father was often violent. That violence may be his perception of the harm he caused. The reality is that between the bouts of violence there was the calm before the storm. I spent most of my early life walking on eggshells, absolutely terrified of the next explosion.

naive

well, it could prove a useful exercise for you to verbalize it, as well as helping him in his recovery.

in my case, i found that my alcoholic actually didn't remember quite a few things which were traumatizing to me. perhaps it was the drink or his denial or he just repressed it.

if it was me, i would participate and i would also solicit a letter from the children to their father, verbalizing how the drinking affected them in their own words.

in my letter, i would offer specifics, rather than feelings. for example:

1. when you pee the bed and i'm lying in it, it makes me feel hopeless. when you don't clean it up but go out drinking, it makes me feel used.

2. when you say you're coming home in 15 minutes, and then don't come home, it makes me angry because i can't settle into my evening or the meal is wasted.

3. when you are drunk and rip up our last ten dollars because you are angry that i want to put it towards the overdue rent and you want it for more drink, it makes me feel like our life is out of control and i feel trapped because it's threatening the very roof over our head.

naive

Callie

I struggled with the same thing when my AH went into rehab. They'd asked me to write a letter. I was given advice on FFSA to just not respond, but I did. It was direct, to the point and I'm glad that I did it. AH kept the letter and has re-read it many times. Do what feels best for you.

DMC

I had a similar request the first time STBXAH went to "real" rehab. I was still very angry, and figured I might as well put it all out there. He'd never listened to me before, but he'd always been drunk. So I let him have it. I didn't pull any punches, and stated exactly how (in specifics) he'd destroyed his life, his health, his marriage, and his respectability.

It hit him hard, partly because he'd only ever seen his version.

Apparently, not hard enough, as he relapsed anyway, less than a month out of his 2 month stay. He went back and we separated.

Taking5

As an alkie, I disagree. We have our own warped views and rationalizations of what we did. Your response was excellent and if your AH is serious about rehab, he will get something out of this exercise. Don't expect him to grasp it all at once however.

tjp613

We had a similar exercise when my son was in rehab....except we had to read our letters out loud in front of our group! Son had his own letter for us, too.

It was helpful for all of us. I encourage you to write it honestly and thoroughly.

hopeful4

I too had to submit a letter to the rehab my husband was in. It actually helped me so much to list it all out and I felt as though I could be truthful about how I feel without anyone wanting to fight w/me about it. Give it a try, you will be glad you did. God Bless and Good Luck!

atdawn

Thanks for the replies. OK, so I decided to write the letter somewhat thoroughly. Took me several hours to word it right, and still I am not sure I want to send it. I am not good at writing letters at the best of times, rather, I write them but never post them. There is something so final, I find, in having things on paper. Like this is on the record and can be used by the reader against me at some later time. It scares me that I may have worded things wrong, or that if I had written the letter at another time I would have put different things in it...
If I was to write the whole 10 years of our relationship I could write a book...
Anyways, I think I am getting pretty close to the final version, so I should really just print it out and post it ...

coffeedrinker

how's the letter coming, atdawn?

i would definitely write that letter. i feel it is therapuetic to do so. it seems like i have screamed inside my head so many, many times, and even when i did try to have those heart-to-hearts, i later realized that if he was under the influence around that time, his head wouldn't have been clear enough to absorb and understand what i was saying anyway.

it's for him. it is powerful for them to hear what havoc has been wrecked. but, it's for you as well. i think it would be a bit cleansing.

JenT1968

all great and different insights and perspectives above, your parents view is a valid one too.

do whatever is best for you, and on your time-line, not his or the treatment centre. I would just add a caution to try and let go of the outcome of the letter. He *may* better see the devastation he caused, he *may* accept it, he *may* be spurred onto to recovery faster or stronger or more permanently, but none of these is a given. He *may* use it as an excuse to relapse, he *may* not be able to handle the truth, he *may* reject your reality.

His reaction is his business, whether you do this for you, is yours, good luck.

lizw

A great Al Anon tool is the suggestion that one should not give their thoughts on a matter, outside of themselves, unless one is asked for them.
And you were asked....

It is something I try to adhere to and if I am asked, these days I will say what I think but at the same time I will also try to accept it if the person disagrees or gets upset. Just like I have a right to say what I think they have a right to feel how they do. It doesn't mean either of us have to be abusive about it and verbally or physically hurt one another. I.e. there's a HUGE difference in saying to someone 'you're a filthy barstard' instead of 'I hate it so much when you wet the bed so I will sleep else where from now on.' While both statements are true, the latter is probably more honest than the first.

Something I really try to avoid is saying what I think the other person wants to hear as then I usually end up very resentful at them.

isurvived

The FIRST time my XH was in treatment - the center had a similar component to their program. We'd been married for 8 years, and had a 4 year old son, so I was quite invested in his recovery. They called it the "family part" of their 30-day inpatient program.

They made a video of me expressing the effects of his alcoholism on me, our child and our marriage. Then they played it for him and the entire group of patients and family members - as well as everyone else's videos. There wasn't a dry eye in the place, and lots of people squirming in their seats.

Did it do any good? For me, it was only validation. He remained sober for about 7 months after that treatment - you know the story... first he was gung-ho for the AA meetings, group meetings, counseling, and after a few months, he slacked off... was "cured" he said. Group "brought him down", "those people" were depressing.

Will it do your partner any good? Who knows. All I can say again is "it's up to them" to find the path to sobriety - NOT us.