NicLizD

I knew my now husband was an alcoholic before I married him, we've been married only two weeks and he has relapsed twice in that short time. Prior to that he had 3 months of sobriety but he hadn't been working his program.

ANYWAY, this isn't about him unless you guys want to know more about our situation I'm going to do my best to stick to *I* and *me* statements here.

Last night I spent the night with a girlfriend b/c he relapsed again and I will not subject myself or my daughter to his drunken behavior. I told him that I had to continue to live the life that I had built for myself & allow him to live his as he chose to live it. That I would not continue to clean up his messes after he picked up the bottle again & that if he continued to love the bottle but hate himself that I would choose to be separate from him while he was in that state.

He has been verbally abusive, stolen from my daughter's piggy bank and is just down right MEAN when he has been drinking. So for my own serenity & sanity I have chosen to remove myself from his presence when he is drinking. If that means that I have to sleep on couches until he sobers up then so be it.

He has no transportation, no money & obviously is feeling pretty guilty & beating himself up for his actions yesterday.

What I don't know is when do I go back home? Is not allowing him to go to my daughter's pre-k graduation party this afternoon undue "punishment" even though he will be sober by then? At what point do I tell him that I'm tired of sleeping on others' couches and tell him that if he chooses to drink he has to get out of MY house (yes, the house is in MY name and we haven't changed the deed yet)?

I know the answer to most of the questions as far as no contact & distancing with love go (I attend Al-anon & AA meetings and have a sponsor in both, am on step 2 for now, not much... I know, but I'm working it ) I just don't know what the answers to such specific questions like I asked above are... (I apologize in advance for my run on sentences and the like... I'm tired & in the middle of the crazy right now and am having a hard time figuring out how to even reach out to you guys much less write a sentence in correct form right now, otherwise I'm usually a grammar nazi)

BTW, I'm what I consider a type 5 alcoholic. I am "normal" in almost every aspect in my life except I don't know my "limits" once I take a drink. I would plan girls' nights out just so I could drink... but then go months or years without a drink between those times. I've had blackouts and the like, but I've never gone on two or three day drunks. I don't have cravings but once I do take that first drink I have no power at all over how many I will drink.

Point being, I'm an alcoholic too... but the majority of my sickness comes from how much I can lose myself in others' problems. That's what I need help & guidance in today.

I'm 35, have a daughter that is 5... am divorced & (as I said above) recently remarried.

naive

well, i would imagine that your daughter's party is an open affair and anyone who wants to can attend. you can not really control that situation.

since the house is in your name, i would return home, with a friend for support, and let him go couch surfing. i would cut him off from your finances quickly, even if you don't go home immediately. stealing from a little girl's piggy bank is pretty desperate and if he'd do that, he might do other things.

naive

ksumm77

"We don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. We have choices. It's helpful to set limits, not to control others, but to offer myself guidelines so that I would know what was acceptable and what to do about it."

Maybe that guideline being as long as he's drinking, he not able to stay in the house.

NYC_Chick

Hi and welcome! Read the stickies at the top there is a lot of good information in them. Also, we don't care how you write. Let it all out. That's what this place is for : )

I would do what feels right for you and not worry about how he feels. The more he has to suffer his own consequences, the quicker he will hit his bottom.

hopeful4

Hello. I too am new although I have lurked for a long time. I will tell you that I found my husband had also stolen from my children's piggy banks before he recently went to rehab. What a horrible and desperate thing to do. You are right, take care of yourself and your daughter. It if means making him mad so be it. Be thankful his name is not on the deed weather it works out or not, that is one less possible thing to have to deal with.

I was doing the same thing you have been until recently (he went to rehab and is clean). I decided I am not leaving my own home anymore!!! If my husband EVER does this again I have made it quite clear i will call the police and report that he is a danger to us and have him removed. STOP RUNNING! It will catch up. Deal with it now before it runs you over. Believe me, rehab has not made it perfect by any means, but it has forced me to address it all instead of hiding and running.

Good Luck and God Bless!

Trying2Fly

Welcome to SR!

I would imagine that if the house is in your name, perhaps he should be the one doing the couch-surfing. Drinking? Not welcome in the house. Just my opinion.

Keep posting...you will find a lot of support here, and you are in my thoughts.
Hugs.

dollydo

Only thing I can say is--keep all your finances separate, do not add his name to your house, no co-mingling of funds. I would never give him your credit card or pin number(s). That could end up being a disaster for you.

My father always said "Be like a fighter in a ring, fight fair, but, protect yourself at all times". This is the best advice he ever gave me.

Jadmack25

Honey, you are couch surfing because a mean drunk is making life hell in YOUR home? The home that belongs to you and your little girl, so you are both deprived of living in your home, because this drunk's behavior sucks.

Is this what you got married for? To be driven from home within a couple of weeks? To totally destablise your daughter, and send your home life up in flames?

Tell him the party is over....for him. He drinks, then he goes somewhere else to behave badly. Your home is your home, not an extension of his bar room.

Of course, he may not be happy with him having to live rough, and you don't know who he is with or what he is up to while he is out there drunk as, so you may end up with some nasty revelations at some stage.

So you have a marriage where either your husband is drunk, mean and lousy in your home, which upsets you and daughter.....or where he is out boozing and sleeping where-ever, and that will upset you as well.

Does this sound like what you signed up for a few weeks ago?

Maybe this whole relationship needs a review, not just who has house and who couch surfs, or gets to go to kindy parties.
Frankly if this is supposed to be marriage....who needs it?

God bless

NicLizD

Thanks guys... I went back home & put him out. Called the paramedics because he was unresponsive. He went back out after he was released from the hospital. I called the paramedics ONCE more and did NOT answer the phone when he called me after they released him.

He had no where else to go so now he is in rehab/detox and hating life. Today is his birthday... he started a pity party on a voice mail he left me. I called the rehab saying that if they didn't restrict his phone access I would be blocking that number from calling me & if they needed to speak to me at any point they'd have to do the former.

It seems that he got the point, I haven't heard from him since then. I'm going to be dropping off some clothes for him at the front desk before I go out of town to Disney with my princess. He missed out big time & it really woke him up.

I'm not hitching my wagon on this "sobriety star" but at least this time he seems to have gotten the point more than any time in the past (based on a conversation with his mother)...

Either way, no more drinking in my home EVER and the police will be called every time he drinks b/c he is a threat to me when he has ingested any form of alcohol.

Thanks again guys! Much love!!