Turning it over to my HP

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Old 05-17-2010, 12:37 AM
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Turning it over to my HP

It's 3am and I'm awake, computer on my lap with tears flowing. I guess the good part of this is I'm so upset and beside myself that there is no where else to go but up. I have prayed a lot tonight but it really just hit me that I must turn this current issue (and everything else too) over to my higher power.

I left STBAXH 8 weeks ago. It has been non-stop hell between us ever since. Every time I think things have calmed down he sends another email, text msg, makes another accusation, files more paperwork with the courts, tells my family & his our private business (his side of course- much of it lies straight from the lips of an active alcoholic). My life living with him was bad. It's gotten worse now that I'm gone.

We have been fighting over custody. He is demanding Primary custody in his paperwork filed with the court. I've always been the primary care giver so that will never happen, but he's demanding to have them 50% of the time until we can go to court & get this all worked out (July). I have said yes to that (even tho I don't think it's in the kids best interest). He has YET to be able to pull off joint custody in the 8 weeks we have been apart. He blames me for his inability to see his kids 50% of the time, of course.

One of the nights I offered the kids to him he said he was busy working late. Then called my 9 year old from the BAR. He was proud.... guess where I am he asked my 9 year old. Seriously?

I went to my house last night while they were camping (his weekend to have them). I moved out after he got physically violent with me and scared the heck out of me. The house was not clean, the cat boxes (my poor cats) were over flowing and the entire house smelled like cat poop. This is where my children are living. It's a sad mess. His cancer is active again and he's back on chemo... something else he blames on me.

Here is his latest email to me... it is in response to my weekly pleas for a set visitation schedule for our children. He will never tell me when he wants them or doesn't want them. I sometimes am finding out the day of... several times he's grabbed my 9 year old from the neighbor who gets him off the bus and then I have to deal with whole mess to get him back on a day that I'm supposed to have him.

STBXAH has decided that his version of joint custody will be alternating weeks of parenting.... in other words we each have them 7 days then it's the other parents turn. I have disagreed with this... my children are young and I cannot see how this benefits them. Here's his latest....

You are at fault for divorce under grounds of desertion and adultery, and
the complaint I filed against you states my position. You have made it
plain since you deserted our marriage that you have no intention to work out
a reasonable compromise. You have also made it plain your willingness to
keep me separated from my children at the slightest excuse.

Schedule for next week is that I have them all week until Friday afternoon,
at which time you may take them for the weekend and following work week.
The schedule from then on will continue with alternating weeks of custody.
You may have visitation Wednesday evenings from 4:00pm until 7:30pm. I will follow the same visitation schedule. It is the responsibility of the
visiting parent to pick the children up and return to the other parent.

Value of child support is determined by law, unless otherwise mutually
agreed upon by the parents. Fill out the following form and return to me or
forward to my lawyer to request child support:
http://courts.state.va.us/forms/district/dc640.pd
f

If you do not agree with the above temporary child custody arrangement, then I will simply take full custody of the children as sought under the
complaint until the court makes final decision. I am fully prepared to
accept the court's ruling under Virginia law. If you wish to avoid having
the court decide the matter for you, you will need to offer mutually
agreeable terms with respect to division of assets and debts, child custody
and support, and waiver of spousal support.


He's also attempting to move our youngest (4 almost 5) from a daycare he's been in since he was 1 b/c it's an inconvenient drive for him....

XX's childcare will be at an accredited preschool/childcare provider in
the Falmouth School district, for which I will pay for. He will begin
either week after next or the week following that, pending availability
confirmation from the provider.


I have sent all this to my lawyer of course... plan to get her legal advice tomorrow. But can't sleep over the thought that he could possibly keep me from my children this week.

He lives in our home, has been redecorating, doing yard work. He's taking the kids out for pizza and steak. He's bowling and visiting museums. There was never any money for these things when I was living there.

He drained the joint checking act twice- last time for good and has cut me off financially.

I feel better after getting all this out.

I am saying another prayer and trying to go to sleep for 2.5 hrs before the alarm goes off.

I don't know what else to do but turn it over to my HP. Please send a prayer for a peaceful resolution to this ugly, scary mess.
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Old 05-17-2010, 12:56 AM
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My thoughts and prayers are with you. It is hardest for the mom im sure. GOD has everything under control.

''HE is before all things, and in HIM all things hold together.''

There are times when things are going wrong, the present is unstable and the future uncertain.

Regardless of what is going on now in your life, look back over history and u will see how people have struggled through disasters, hardships and dangers. People were confronted by the same things we are confronted with today.

Before u become despondent, acknowledge the greatness, the glory and constancy of GOD. HE called the world into existance, HE created man, HE has cared for us through the ages and sheltered us in every disaster.

HE is the Creator GOD who will never abandon HIS workmanship.


In HIS great love HE gave HIS only Son to the world, so that whoever believes in HIM shall not perish but have everlasting life.
Jn. 3 v 16

Hold onto HIS promises; place your entire trust in HIM you will survive all dangers and adversity.

The LORD has established HIS throne in heaven and HIS Kingdom rules over all.
Ps. 103 v 19

''But those who hope in the LORD shall renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles.''
Isa. 40 v 31
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Old 05-17-2010, 01:09 AM
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A light in the darkness

''and we know that in all things, GOD works for the good of those who love HIM''
Romans 8 v 28

- So many people live their lives in fear and anxiety. Their lives robed of joy.

- We need to possess a living faith, which brings direction and meaning to our dejected Spirits

- If your world collapses around you, know for certain that GOD is your Security.



- You might wonder where GOD is in these situations, all u need to do is look beyond the chaos and u will discover HIM and find hope.

- Never lose your faith, never sucuumb to doubt, be determined to keep your faith strong and dynamic.

- To possess serenity and peace u need to believe GOD loves u dearly and only wants whats best for you, your path may be rocky, but CHRIST will always be by your side to lead u along the way.

- Never let doubt gnaw at your heart, GOD is all wise, all knowing and all loving! - Be assured there is a purpose behind everything that happens in your life

- ''You cannot appreciate the sunrise unless you have waited in the darkness''
T de Chardin..
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Old 05-17-2010, 02:30 AM
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I have you in my heart and in my prayers, and of course your children. I also pray for that miserable and bitter man, who can see nothing but hurting others because he hurts.

Is there no way that you can get some calm into this situation, by the reason of you leaving due to HIS abuse, not thru desertion? I feel so much for you, deprived of your family and all you had, thru the viciousness of a "haunted" man.

God bless
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Old 05-17-2010, 03:49 AM
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This is what lawyers are for, and why they are worth the money, if you find a good one to advocate for you.

CLMI
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Old 05-17-2010, 04:26 AM
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Originally Posted by SheCanRun View Post
We have been fighting over custody. He is demanding Primary custody in his paperwork filed with the court. I've always been the primary care giver so that will never happen, but he's demanding to have them 50% of the time until we can go to court & get this all worked out (July). I have said yes to that (even tho I don't think it's in the kids best interest). He has YET to be able to pull off joint custody in the 8 weeks we have been apart. He blames me for his inability to see his kids 50% of the time, of course.

.
I'm sorry. It is hard. It is exhausting. It SUCKS. However, it does end. You have a court date. The divorce and custody issues will be decided this summer.

In the meantime, you have agreed to 50% custody.
Let him have them. Let him try to keep his fairy-tale schedule.
This will be painful for you to witness. I believe he is just being a big bully and as soon as you let go (and stop being dragged) he will lose interest and/or fall flat on his face with the enourmous responsibility.

There is more to parenting than eating out. Disney Land Dad's are fun, but not able to bear up under the pressure of emotionally supporting a child.

(((She Can Run)))

Stay in touch with your lawyer. The end is in sight.
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Old 05-17-2010, 06:26 AM
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she can run-

in situations like this one, fall back on your recovery tools. keep turning it over to your HP, think of the serenity prayer, be gentle with yourself, speak with this group...there is much collective knowledge here, you do not have to go through this alone...keep working the tools.

pelican is right. let your lawyer handle your husband. he's a bully, for sure. who put him in charge? i didn't like the terminology he used, as in "you may blah blah blah". so, is he now, in charge of what you may and may not do? really!

you don't have to speak with him anymoe if it upsets you. let your lawyer be the liason for now. he can email to your lawyer, and not directly to you. tell your lawyer he has been violent and you feel threatened.

and remember, at the end of the day, righteousness is on your side. he's an alcoholic and you are the sane, responsible parent in this case. in all liklihood, he will be unable to keep up the facade.

keep yourself safe. this will get better and it will get sorted out. now is just the darkness before the dawn. you can get through this. keep turning it over to your hp and get ready for the unexpected to ocurr.

naive
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Old 05-17-2010, 08:43 AM
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hi there shecanrun...

I just wanted to offer your my support, as the ex-spouse of an abusive alcoholic who also went through a custody battle and dealt with similar threats. The language your STBX uses is *classic* abuser vocabulary, granting you "permission" to do x,y,z...it's designed to make you feel like you have no choice in the matter. But, seeing as I work for a huge law firm and see nasty letters everyday, let me remind you that all those big words and fancy phrasing mean nothing.

* Despite what he says, your ability to properly parent your child isn't affected by your choice to leave the marriage, for whatever reason he states.
* You do NOT have to accept his schedule and bend to his demands. You have just as much right to decide how this shared custody will be arranged.
* You do NOT have to agree to his out of court (and completely invalid) temporary custody agreement. This needs to be settled in mediation or, if mediation fails, in court in the presence of your lawyer.
* You do NOT have to respond to any further communication from him, whether by letter, or email, or via telephone, SMS, etc etc. Your stock response to him is "Any further communication should be directed to my lawyer, Mtre SuchandSuch, and the following number: xxx-xxx-xxxx."

Perhaps when you speak to your lawyer, you can also discuss what is acceptable in terms of exchanging the children. Exchanges should be in a set public place, at a predetermined time, unless previously agreed to by both parties and with advance notice of X hours. Otherwise, visitation is forfeit.

Yes, HP will take care of your and your little ones, but please, arm yourself with knowledge and give yourself the opportunity to rest while you find your way through this difficult situation. And remember that you're not alone!

*hugs*
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Old 05-18-2010, 05:12 PM
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Thanks noday... and everyone else.

Am struggling. I was supposed to have them tonight but he grabbed them early from the babysitter and school. He's game playing. Told our neighbor who gets our oldest off the bus that it was a "race" to see who could get to the kids first.

I'm not playing. I won't race around and try to beat him. They don't know if they are coming or going. They don't know from day to day who they will be. It's sad. I'm sad.

Still waiting on lawyer. She needs to get to me tomorrow b/c I want to file for an emergency custody hearing and I need to know if she thinks I have enough reason to do so. We can't wait til July to go to court. I can't have them drug around day to day week to week any more.
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Old 05-18-2010, 05:44 PM
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shecanrun... this will cease soon... until then... do seek HP and rely on him to get you thru.

The one phrase that I always find comforting... "If he brings you to it... he'll bring you thru it". I believe this with all my heart. Be kind and gentle with yourself and know that you are doing the right things for a better future for YOU and the younguns.

As for him grabbing them early from the babysitter and school.... Definite game playing... as for the "racing"... evidently he is clueless as to what real parenting is all about...

The race he should be concerned with... isn't even on his radar... and will show itself in time... when HP says so....

I agree with nodaybut2day...
The language your STBX uses is *classic* abuser vocabulary, granting you "permission" to do x,y,z...it's designed to make you feel like you have no choice in the matter.

* Despite what he says, your ability to properly parent your child isn't affected by your choice to leave the marriage, for whatever reason he states.

* You do NOT have to accept his schedule and bend to his demands. You have just as much right to decide how this shared custody will be arranged.

* You do NOT have to agree to his out of court (and completely invalid) temporary custody agreement. This needs to be settled in mediation or, if mediation fails, in court in the presence of your lawyer.

* You do NOT have to respond to any further communication from him, whether by letter, or email, or via telephone, SMS, etc etc. Your stock response to him is "Any further communication should be directed to my lawyer, Mtre SuchandSuch, and the following number: xxx-xxx-xxxx."

Perhaps when you speak to your lawyer, you can also discuss what is acceptable in terms of exchanging the children. Exchanges should be in a set public place, at a predetermined time, unless previously agreed to by both parties and with advance notice of X hours. Otherwise, visitation is forfeit.
Hang in there... praying for you.
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Old 05-18-2010, 05:52 PM
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hi shecanrun-

i would keep a record of all of the child-grabbing and not playing fair.

i wouldn't play his games either.

hopefully, the lawyers and courts will kick in soon.

best now to keep your cool and handle this crummy TEMPORARY situation with as much elegance as you can muster. now is not the time for any sort of outbursts or confrontations. he's a bully and not treating you fairly. i doubt any words other than "honey, i'm coming home" will break down his armour.

stay cool and calm.

it'll be over soon. you've really been through the wringer with him child grabbing, not being in your own home and him cutting off the family bank account.

i would imagine that the judge will have seen all of this before and it will not reflect favorably on him.

hope your lawyer gets back to you soon.

let us know how it's going. we're here and we're listening.

naive
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Old 05-18-2010, 05:53 PM
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Originally Posted by SheCanRun View Post
Thanks noday... and everyone else.

Am struggling. I was supposed to have them tonight but he grabbed them early from the babysitter and school. He's game playing. Told our neighbor who gets our oldest off the bus that it was a "race" to see who could get to the kids first.

I'm not playing. I won't race around and try to beat him. They don't know if they are coming or going. They don't know from day to day who they will be. It's sad. I'm sad.

Still waiting on lawyer. She needs to get to me tomorrow b/c I want to file for an emergency custody hearing and I need to know if she thinks I have enough reason to do so. We can't wait til July to go to court. I can't have them drug around day to day week to week any more.
The fact that you don't know if they are staying with you or him, or who is picking them up means to me that you have every reason for an emergency custody hearing. But, I'm no expert in this area.

Stay strong, state clearly to your attorney what you need them to do.
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Old 05-18-2010, 07:51 PM
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Don't forget to document EVERYTHING!
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