frustrated
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 39
frustrated
I am a recovered alcoholic (17.5 years sober) and I have been dating a women for 8 months (on and off) who is an addict. She hid her addiction from me when we met. I have never dated an alcoholic or addict since I was using myself almost two decades ago. She has lied, betrayed me, and cheated on me. She is sneaky, dishonest, and manipulative.
She was clean for thirty odd days and she relapsed last weekend. She went to see a guy she cheated on me with. She tells me it was only to get drugs (marijuana which is her drug of choice). She hid her relapse from me, and she calls it a slip, not a relapse. She blames her relapse on the fact that we had a fight last Saturday. Yesterday we had another disagreement, which we resolved to the satisfaction of both of us, and she went to see the same guy and she used drugs again. She lied about it initially, and only came clean when I said I wanted to see her, because she knew I would see she was high when we met.
Last week everyday she went on about being X days clean, when it was a lie. She went to her NA meeting and met her sponsor last week and she didn't tell anyone that she had relapsed.
She took her pregnant daughter with her when she met her friend to score drugs. She wants to marry me and have children. Obviously I am questioning the sort of wife/mother she would make.
Yesterday we spoke I suggested treatment for her, and she said she didn't need it as it was for "real addicts" and she only smoked a little weed. She use to get high 4-6 times per day everyday for ten years.
None of my friends or my family like her, and they all think I should leave her. If I stay am I enabling her?
For the record she is also bipolar, she was abused as a child, and she attempted suicide when we broke up a few months ago. Obviously I am afraid she could try suicide again if we break up.
I am angry, frustrated, sad, and a host of other emotions. I would appreciated input from others who have been involved with using addicts.
She was clean for thirty odd days and she relapsed last weekend. She went to see a guy she cheated on me with. She tells me it was only to get drugs (marijuana which is her drug of choice). She hid her relapse from me, and she calls it a slip, not a relapse. She blames her relapse on the fact that we had a fight last Saturday. Yesterday we had another disagreement, which we resolved to the satisfaction of both of us, and she went to see the same guy and she used drugs again. She lied about it initially, and only came clean when I said I wanted to see her, because she knew I would see she was high when we met.
Last week everyday she went on about being X days clean, when it was a lie. She went to her NA meeting and met her sponsor last week and she didn't tell anyone that she had relapsed.
She took her pregnant daughter with her when she met her friend to score drugs. She wants to marry me and have children. Obviously I am questioning the sort of wife/mother she would make.
Yesterday we spoke I suggested treatment for her, and she said she didn't need it as it was for "real addicts" and she only smoked a little weed. She use to get high 4-6 times per day everyday for ten years.
None of my friends or my family like her, and they all think I should leave her. If I stay am I enabling her?
For the record she is also bipolar, she was abused as a child, and she attempted suicide when we broke up a few months ago. Obviously I am afraid she could try suicide again if we break up.
I am angry, frustrated, sad, and a host of other emotions. I would appreciated input from others who have been involved with using addicts.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mass.
Posts: 49
She has lied, betrayed me, and cheated on me. She is sneaky, dishonest, and manipulative
She went to see a guy she cheated on me with. She tells me it was only to get drugs
I suggested treatment for her, and she said she didn't need it as it was for "real addicts" and she only smoked a little weed
She wants to marry me and have children. Obviously I am questioning the sort of wife/mother she would make
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi hr~~You have been clean for sooooo many years. Why would you even consider spending your life this way. Children~~~~now thats scarry considering her past and present. Think hard about this one. You may love her to death~~~~but guess what?? She may not be what you need in the long run. Hugs and I wish you the best. Bonnie
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 57
I can sympathize with being hooked on somebody. Often times we want what is not good for us, despite knowing what is good for us. That being said, I think you know the answer to the question you posed, which I also totally understand.
The only advice I'll solicit is to give this some careful consideration. Try to be honest and weigh both the pros and the cons equally.
Good luck and keep us posted.
The only advice I'll solicit is to give this some careful consideration. Try to be honest and weigh both the pros and the cons equally.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
I'm with everyone else on this. 17.5 years is a long, long time! Surrounding yourself, and a future life with an addict will only increase your chances of relapse. I'd give this deep thought. I know you can fall in love after 8 months.. but it's only been eight months. It's not too late (never is) to get out. I'm not much of one to talk, but I would just say please think long and hard about your own sobriety.
I was the definition of healthy when I met my boyfriend. I quit smoking four years prior. I hardly drank. I exercised ALL the time. I was VERY active. Immediately once we started dating I picked up the one thing I despised most, smoking. It's been hard to quit. I started drinking a lot more.. and felt my life slipping away
Toxic people WILL bring you down. I'm in no way placing the fault on them, but it's a constant negative influence, whether you realize it or not.
I was the definition of healthy when I met my boyfriend. I quit smoking four years prior. I hardly drank. I exercised ALL the time. I was VERY active. Immediately once we started dating I picked up the one thing I despised most, smoking. It's been hard to quit. I started drinking a lot more.. and felt my life slipping away
Toxic people WILL bring you down. I'm in no way placing the fault on them, but it's a constant negative influence, whether you realize it or not.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
loving someone to death can be quite literal....due to the strive and chaos you can jeopordize your own sobriety and physical/emotional health.
It sounds wise to me to reach out and question this relationship. Some part of you has real doubt and concerns while another part is attracted and drawn to her.
The reality of it is that a life with someone in active addiction is tough. It means letting them go and do what it is they are going to do and working on your own self. Is your suggestion to her to enter a recovery an opportunity to look at the 3 fingers pointing back to you and get involved again in your own recovery?
The facts have been laid out above on whether she would be a good partner or mother. Now it's simply the journey to open your awareness to the answers. My personal boundary is that I will not be involved with an active abuser. And then, I would want at least one year of sobriety before I would put my heart (and life) on the line.
Take good care of yourself.
It sounds wise to me to reach out and question this relationship. Some part of you has real doubt and concerns while another part is attracted and drawn to her.
The reality of it is that a life with someone in active addiction is tough. It means letting them go and do what it is they are going to do and working on your own self. Is your suggestion to her to enter a recovery an opportunity to look at the 3 fingers pointing back to you and get involved again in your own recovery?
The facts have been laid out above on whether she would be a good partner or mother. Now it's simply the journey to open your awareness to the answers. My personal boundary is that I will not be involved with an active abuser. And then, I would want at least one year of sobriety before I would put my heart (and life) on the line.
Take good care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 39
I broke up with her a few weeks ago, and my life is much saner and quieter. When we first started dating she hid her addiction from me; it was only after a long while that I found out about it.
I too have a rule about dating addicts, no one using or who has been clean less that one year. In this case I had already fallen in love with her, by the time I knew I was dating an addict.
I continue to pray and wish the best for her, but I am focusing on myself and my own life at this point. In some ways I feel very much like I did when I first got sober and found AA. Thankfully I am still clean and sober and recovering
I too have a rule about dating addicts, no one using or who has been clean less that one year. In this case I had already fallen in love with her, by the time I knew I was dating an addict.
I continue to pray and wish the best for her, but I am focusing on myself and my own life at this point. In some ways I feel very much like I did when I first got sober and found AA. Thankfully I am still clean and sober and recovering
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 69
I've been there recently too. I was addicted to the addict (recovering at first, now active again). Maybe I still am a little bit, but I can feel my feelings for him changing and diminishing, and I am embracing this change.
Embrace your gut instincts on this one. Embrace your intuition.
I will never date a recovering addict again without at least several years of sobriety under his belt.
17 years sober is a long time. Congratulations on that!
Embrace your gut instincts on this one. Embrace your intuition.
I will never date a recovering addict again without at least several years of sobriety under his belt.
17 years sober is a long time. Congratulations on that!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
Originally Posted by hrhxtc 
I broke up with her a few weeks ago, and my life is much saner and quieter. When we first started dating she hid her addiction from me; it was only after a long while that I found out about it.
I too have a rule about dating addicts, no one using or who has been clean less that one year. In this case I had already fallen in love with her, by the time I knew I was dating an addict.
I continue to pray and wish the best for her, but I am focusing on myself and my own life at this point. In some ways I feel very much like I did when I first got sober and found AA. Thankfully I am still clean and sober and recovering
I too have a rule about dating addicts, no one using or who has been clean less that one year. In this case I had already fallen in love with her, by the time I knew I was dating an addict.
I continue to pray and wish the best for her, but I am focusing on myself and my own life at this point. In some ways I feel very much like I did when I first got sober and found AA. Thankfully I am still clean and sober and recovering
Congratulations on moving back into recovery and practicing your principles. You are a fine example of healthy "course correction." Healthy ain't always easy.
blessings
zenbear
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