Jamesnat44

Hey All,
I've posted here before but chose to open a new account...too much baggage under my old moniker...for me I mean. Anyway, I am lost right now...I'm scared, lonely, frustrated....thinking some very dark thoughts and taking them to some very dark places. I had my last drink of the most recent binge at 5:45 this morning....its now around 10 and here I sit at work....going through withdrawals- physical and emotional agony....leaving the room to quietly vomit in my office and filled with suicidal self-hatred and remorse
I have to stop.....I am on the verge of losing everything....again. I've lost a lot to my addiction.....and manged somehow to re-build a new life....but I'm drinking again....I can't stop. I'm driving drunk again....I'm driving around drunk with people in the car.....I'm filth...I hate myself. keeping everything hidden and lying to everyone. I need to stop...today. But I wont...I never do...I'll start with a half pint on the drive home...a whopping 30 minutes...and probably drink 2 more pints tonight...drink til 5AM and start all over again...I hate this but I can't stop...some of you probably understand...hating everything you do and have become but still doing it....I don't understand....all I do is cry and live out this desperate gamle with losing everything...I hurt all the time....it just a matter of time before I kill myself or someone else....lose another job....another wife....another child....I don't know how to stop

yeahgr8

I had to get to a point like that before going to AA, finding a person with long term sobriety who's story i related to and ask them for help...i still can't see another alternative to where i was other than AA, i had tried everything else and a hairs breath away from ending it all...it has worked for millions of people, don't see why it wouldn't work for you if you have really had enough too:-)

Horselover

James - you CAN stop! Have you checked out any face to face recovery programs? It sounds like that might be a good first step. Break it down so its not overwhelming. Don't say you can't do it. I have seen MANY people on SR that have come right from the identical level you are on and succeed, but you have to want it enough to take action. Can you do me a favor and look up a meeting? Maybe go at lunch time. You can stop this vicious cycle of addiction.

You are not any less a person then anyone else around SR or in the world. You have an addiction and you are in the throws of it right now. You must take some sort of action to stop the train and get off. I highly suggest starting with a face to face group and see where that takes you.

IF YOU ARE FEELING SUICIDAL THEN THERE IS A LINK ON THIS PAGE. PLEASE READ IT.

This disease is not worth taking your life. Please know you have a lot of value and you can do a lot in this world, but let's take the first step and take some action to stop this.

Jamesnat44

Thanks for your responses...I'm not really contemplating suicide...I wouldn't do that to my children and other loved ones...yet apparantly I am perfectly capable of endangering them with my drinking...I do it with sickening regularity...this guilt and shame are overwhelming..I feel so bad right now...thats what I wish would stop

Snarf

James, I understand how you feel. It's a horrible place to be when you feel like there's no "out" and you know you need to make a change but don't believe that you can. I didn't let getting fired from a job, or a DUI, or an arrest for forgetting to make a probation payment, or missing work, or throwing up every day, or a failed relationship with an awesome woman be reasons enough for me to change. (Although any of these reasons taken by itself should have been enough.) I just kept on drinking, and sliding into a really dark hole from which I saw no escape.

But then I experienced that "miracle," or whatever you may want to call it. I had become so absolutely and utterly disgusted with myself and my life that I knew I had 3 options. The first was to just keep on doing what I did and drink and drink and drink. That couldn't happen any longer; it was just causing me too much pain. So that idea was out, as I could physically no longer live the way I had been. That left me with 2 options: stop drinking, or end all the pain and just call it quits. I didn't think I could stop drinking. I had tried several times, and always ended up drinking even more. Then I thought that left me with only 1 option, to just end it.

I could not do that. Not to myself, or to my family, or to my friends, or to God. I had to stop drinking, or I was going to die. It really became that simple for me. I put down the beer, got online and looked up a meeting. I was there in an hour and went to 4 that day. That was 50 days ago, and I haven't had a drink since.

It is in our most desperate times that we so badly need the help of others. There are programs and people out there that will, and indeed want to, help you. Free of charge. The only price you must pay is that of time and effort. If you truly have a desire to stop drinking, and if you feel like you are at the point where you can not control your drinking and your life has become unmanageable, you have taken the first step. Please let someone help you with the rest of them.

We're here for you, James, but it has really helped me to have face-to-face interaction with other alcoholics. I don't believe I'd have made it these past 50 days without that. I'm still learning every day how to live without alcohol, and I'm beginning to like myself and my life again. I like that feeling. I hope you can find it.

Norther

Each day of drinking adds a little more fear and anxiety to our life, which then makes us feel that alcohol is all the more necessary to deal with the fears alcohol has created. That's the cycle, the bad news. The good news is that the cycle gets reversed more quickly than you might think if you quit. Perhaps you should go to a doctor (or the ER or a counselor) and tell the absolute truth about your drinking. Doing that will likely lead you, by one route or another, to AA, which is what has helped me to stay sober for a short-but-miraculous eleven days. I feel pretty damned good, and so can you.

artsoul

I agree with Norther - the fear, anxiety and self-loathing are a part of withdrawals (and you may need help detoxing if things get too bad for you). You have to remember that this is not you - you have a disease, but you are not the disease. You deserve better and you don't have to live in this hell anymore.

We're with you!

jade09

no one knows exactly how you feel, but we can all relate, and speaking for myself, the self hate and loathing was one of the worst parts for me and still has a hold on me
there is no quick fix or answer, not like the temp quick fix of a drink
you sound like you really want to turn it around
empower yourself and turn the want into actions
there are so many different ways, you have to find what will work for you
i've spent years searching for the inner strength to finally beat this---it seems now that it's not really about that--there's nothing special about me--

regardless of why i am this way
this is my life
nothing will change
unless i change it
if i ever want to be happy
i need to find a way to make it happen

keeping it simple and not trying to figure out why i am this way anymore
accept where my life has taken me,
and what i know now--making today a life i am no longer ashamed of

the lowest points of life should be remembered so you never go back to them

endingdukkha

This is a great way to look at things, I like to try and simplify it too. Over thinking it accomplishes nothing, and can actually stop you from moving forward. Thanks

Anna

Hi James,

You must not give up hope and please know that you can do this.

Make a choice to save yourself. Make a choice to stop driving drunk and endangering yourself and others. Take the first step and don't stop for alcohol on the way home. Drive a different route.

Have you considered talking to your dr about an inpatient program? It might be helpful for you. I hope that you do whatever you need to do to recover.

Dream2bClean

I used to hare when people would say if you want/need to stop drinking then just stop. I used to get so pissed when I heard that b/c I wanted them to be in my shoes and try to "just stop" HA if it were only that easy.

Well Ill tell you my friend, it actually is, the stopping part, you just dont drink, now the withdrawind (which I would recommend you see a dr for with as mucha s you are drinking combined with depression, alcohol is a depressent which i am sure you know although it makes us feeel better, good, jovial, and it can even be you primary care you dont have to see s psych, I am sur ethese PCS's with the 50 or so patients they see a day have at least one person a day come to them telling them they have a drinking problem) I did this with my PCP he can evaluate your rinking and although isnt an addiction specialist they have heard it all, will not judge,most know alcohol is an illness, you are sick, a Dr;s job is to help the sick and they will.
They will give you what you need to ease the WD's and make them safe or upon their best judgement they will refer you to a psych, inpatient detox, or just be able to prescribe you somkething so that you can stop drinking and ease the WD's and make sure you dont go into a seizure or convulsions. It IS that serious but they are there to help. There is a LOT of help out there.
You just need to want it, it sould like you do, no one I have come across yet on this board ends up here b/c thye are having a great time and doing just fine with their drinking, you end up here when you are searching for answers to your problems, and you can ge suggestions here, but are you willing to follow them?
Like I said it is that east to stop, jsut dont drink, but it is a hell of a hard thing to do to stay sytopped and you can not do it alone, like I said there are so many options now a days for help and all you have to do is ask. We cn only do so much here, and that is if you are going to take the suggestions and not just tell us about your drinking b/c although we are recovering I am only 6 days out and your post makes me want a drink REALLY bad but will I have one NO can I have on YES, it will take me 30 secons to drive to the store and 4 dolars to get 2 tall boys of my favorite (strong) beer and I will be feeling very good, but then after I will be feeling, well like you, and I woiuld rather feel like i do now at 6 days sober than feel like you do or do the things you are doing which I have done many of as well.
So welcome to SR its great here, everyone here pretty much has the answers but it depends on if you are willing to listen and take the answers...are you?
If so keep posting and let us know how its going and even if not keep posting and keep reminding us of what not to do.
Sorry to sound a little harsh, but I am having a hell of a time here on day 6 and have worked so hard to get here and come here to ideally help others but I am not in the mood today nor do I have the time b.c I need to find a meeting for me tonight to try to help people that want help but dont want to do anyhting to help themselves, I DO NOT mean you, I just mean peopl ein general.
Please read a lot here and stick around, we are here for you, but also please try some of the things suggested to you, it sounds to me with your drinking and especially driving, your life depends on it as does the lives of your children and of those innocent people on the roads with you when you are driving drunk. What if you hit me, and I have jus tspent the hardest 6 days of my life getting off the alcohol? Well at least if you hit me and I were to die I would sober and with God becasue those are the things, in this very short time i have gained by bing sober, and my husband and small daughter could look over my casket knowing that I dies sober, worked very hard to get here, and that my daughter will never have to see me drunk ever again.
Good luck and Welcome....
<3 Dreams

zbear23

What I have finally come to understand is that the fear, anxiety and self loathing were already there: my drinking was my defense against them, but ended up finally making them all much worse. The 12 steps helped me change the self loathing to self love, and the fellowship of AA offered me the support I needed to walk through my fears.

And btw...I think my greatest fear was actually that the program WOULD work, and I was terrified by the prospect of a life without booze.

blessings
zenbear

Dee74

Welcome back Jamesnat

Al of us have been afraid - that's why the support here is invaluable.

In my experience, the only way out of my cesspit was to stop drinking - and the only way to do that was take action - the course you plot is up to you.

There's a lot of good suggestions and great advice on this page - I hope you take it.

D

coffeenut

Glad you are here....and, you CAN do this. You can. Is it hard, you bet. Is it worth it....I can't even describe how rewarding sobriety is.

Stick around. Keep reading. Keep posting. You CAN quit. You Can.

dedubya

Hang in my friend- I am going to join you in quitting. I have done this too long and we both know it doesn't add any value whatsoever to our lives.
Peace and Love my Friend
Dub

c49

James I do remember those feelings and how futile it was to splash alcohol on them.

I went to detox (because I was drinking WAY too much) and have never looked to alcohol for friendship again.

I remember it took a lot to walk into detox last year BUT compare that with having just completed a half marathon and see that difficult walk into treatment was the best thing for me.

Stop suffering man.