sesh

Just wanted to give you a bit of an update of what's going on in my life.
After I told my STBEAH - and it's only today that I've managed to call him that instead AH - I want a divorce, I guess he dind't take it seriously as let's be honest I said it so many times before and never meant it, so he just kept acting as nothing happened.
Few nights ago I wrote him a letter, saying all the things I said so many times before, but in a different tone, no accusing, just stated some facts about his life and the way it's affecting kids and me, the proper role of a father in a child's life, and blah, blah, blah. But you've probably noticed by now, when I start writing there is no stopping me, so this turned into two pages. When I finished it I remember something Barb Dwire said here about alcoholics not being able to understand anything but simple sentences (bumper stickers), and it made me laugh and I just folded the letter and put in my jurnal. For the first time ever I was able to see I'm doing a stupid thing and stopped myself. I knew there is no point. He's not going to understand.

So yesterday, I just asked him: Have you found a place to stay? he said no. And I said Why not? What are you waiting for?
He said he was busy. (yeah, right)
But I dind't say more. Just reminded him this morning that I'd really like him to start looking for a new place to stay.
I'm so proud of myself I didn't feel the need to say more. I'm so proud I'm finally aware there is no point in talking to him.

And the last night I spoke to our kids. I didn't tell them yet he's moving out, but I told them something I was never able to say to them before. I told them how sorry I am for everything, and that thier F is an alcoholic, he has a drinking problem, and that's the reason he is the way he is, and that's the reason he is not a good dad to them. I also told them, I'd give everything in the world to help him and change this situation for all of us, but that's not in my power. I said I am sorry I can't protect them from this. I said I was a fool for thinking there is something I can do to make thier dad stop, but by trying to do so I bacame miserable and angry, and not a good mum to them and I have learned the only thing we can do in life is try to make ourselves better. I said their F loves them very much, and no matter what happens he will always be thier F. I tried to explain no matter how much we love someone there is no way we can make that person do something he doesn't want to do. I said I know it's hard, I know it hurts, but there is nothing I can do to stop that hurting. I said I will always be there for them.
I was calm and honest. It was hard for them, but I could see they appreciate I'm being honest with them.
So I guess I'm doing ok. At moments it's really hard, but I keep reminding myself it will be hard for a while, and than things will start getting better.
I'm sad, but I know I'm doing a right thing.
I just keep reminding myself I don't have any control over his life or his death. I hope for his sake someday he'll come to his senses, and start recovery, I fear it's too late, but that's the choice he made.
There is a lot of things I don't know, but I know for sure: I'm done with this crazy life, I want to recover, work on myself and be a good parent to my kids.
The sentance "It's beyond my control" is becoming a mantra for me.

coffeedrinker

we give our children a gift when we are honest with them. and a lesson. good for you.

Jazzman

That had to be a tough conversation you had with your kids. I think you're doing the right thing. In any event, too late or not, it's really out of your hands.

Jadmack25

Oh Sesh, what a hard and painful task that was, and how beautifully you handled it. How different to your STBX, who does the "If I pretend it isn't happening, it isn't happening", of the human ostrich mode.

I will have you all in my prayers and thoughts.

God bless

catlovermi

I think one of the most damaging aspects to children of alcoholics is that their reality is often put aside, in the interest of "keeping it quiet" or "within the family" or "don't rock the boat" or such.

One of the best gifts one can give these children is a validation of their reality - that the things they are experiencing are real and not healthy, and not imagined.

You gave your children a validation of their reality, which will greatly strengthen them.

When they have a grasp of their reality, then they can begin to deal with it, and not learn instead to retreat into fantasy and escapism and avoidance.

CLMI

sesh

I couldn't find the right words to explain how did it feel for me when I told my kids. It was though, but felt good too, but couldn't name it. It felt good I was honest, and they appreciated it, but I couldn't put my finger on what exactly did I achieve with my honesty.
You did it for me.
That's exactly what it feels like.
I was never given that validation by my NAM. I wasn't even aware I needed it or that my kids need it until you said it.



It never crossed my mind to think about it that way.

Thank you so much

1234

Sesh,

You did such a good thing. It would have been so valuable for me to hear that when I was dealing with alcoholism in my family. Catlovermi said it so well - the validation of reality is such a gift. It's like an vaccination against self-blame for children of alcoholics.

1234

SoloMio

I agree with the others... that must have been tough. One of my clearest memories is the day my mother told me my dad was moving out of the house and they were divorcing because of the drinking. One of the best gifts she gave me was that in explaining why, she simply said "Daddy's sick." Of course we knew the "sickness"--we lived it. But she didn't show her anger or frustration and she didn't try to justify her decision. It was what it was.

The only thing that perhaps she could have done differently was NOT have softened the blow by saying "When he's better, we'll get married again! Maybe YOU could even be my bridesmaid." I think she wanted to offer me some hope, but unfortunately I hung onto that hope, so that when she got remarried a year or so later, that hope came crashing down (although her remarrying really was the best thing she could have done). So she could have said "IF he gets better" or better yet, leave off the "if's" and the "when's" The "now" is all a kid can take with news like that, IMHO anyway.

Good luck to you and your family, sesh. I'm sure things will turn out well as long as you continue to stay true to yourself.

sesh

I tried to be careful and not say anything that might not prove to be true. Also I didn't want to say he's sick. I didn't want to call it a desease, because when someone is sick, we all automatically think we need to look after them and help them. Didn't want to go into details of this being a different kind of desease, just said it's problem, drinking problem daddy is unable to solve, but noone else can solve it for him.
If his health continues to detoriate, I will have to explain more.
There will also have to be more talking about his moving out.
Thanks for your input Solomio, I'll definetelly make sure when talking to them next not to make any false promisses to soften the blow.