Startingover2

So my exah came to me about 2 months ago and said he wanted to 'change'. He wanted to grow up, quit drinking, be a father, and maybe down the line be my husband again. He wanted to go slow and see if we could move past our problems that got us here, yet really never stopped drinking. I have spent time with him when he is sober, but not when drinking. I told him that any other women of any degree in his life is a deal breaker because of the past infidelities. I can see he is really trying to be good in most areas but has not even come close to a grasp on the drinking.

This morning he called me early. Told me he wanted to tell me some things. My heart dropped. I thought..oh no...he slept with someone. He told me he wants to get help and stop drinking. Its getting worse for him and he cannot manage on his own. He also admitted he is an alcoholic. I have never heard those words from him before. He also spoke about sexual abuse as a child. I knew that some of his siblings have been through it at the hands of their dad and his friends, but he has never spoken a word about it. His father was a raging alcoholic/drug addict and died in his 40's. Exah told me that he was raped by his fathers friend when he was 8 years old. Full on sexual intercourse and oral sex from this disgusting man. He has never told a sole about this until today.

He wants to get a therapist that specializes in alcohol abuse and sexual abuse. He thanked me for staying by his side. I love the man. I know he has issues...just nervous that he will never overcome. We have a 2 year old together. I want to be supportive without jumping off the bridge after him.

He just told me that starting tomorrow...he isn't drinking. In reality, I know that probably won't happen. I am thankful he is going to get some help with his past that will hopefully lead him in the right direction with the drinking.

Kassie2

Hi SO2!

Long time girl! Seems that things are progressing. Perhaps not the way you would like but he has verbalized that he has a problem and wants to deal. Given what I know, point him in the direction of rehab - inpat or IOP or at the least - daily AA and getting a sponsor. He won't be able to deal with his past until he gets the drinking under control. Try explaining that to him nicely. It will be hard enough to one without the other.

How are you lady? This is the tough part - getting into recovery and working on it. We all like to think that when the drinking stops, everything will be better. It is just another beginning. Are you seeing your therapist? Going to alanon? We have a meeting on Sat nites at (pm and our own chat room anytime you want to talk! Cool huh?

All you can do is hold his hand, beyond that - he has a lot to do. Be encouraging and avoid talking about the past with him other than to listen.

Keep us informed.

tpen

Thanks for sharing this. I wonder about my XAGF at times and if this happened. It's just so hard to know. This information he told you is a truthful statement and honesty is what it is focused towards. Give thanks as I don't believe it is ill intended or manipulative. Be supportive and take one day at a time.

Startingover2

Thanks...I am very thankful that he opened up to me. I had my suspicions about his childhood based on the stories I have heard about the other kids along with his own fathers alcohol past. He has never said anything about this before. It makes me sick. How do you idolize a man (his father) that let horrible things happen to you? That most likely were also done to him by his father?

I don't want to be stupid to think this is it, he is changed, never drink again, and life will be Disneyland from now on. I know until he gets into a full blown program these are just words and good intentions. We will see in the next few months.

His drinking has ruined his life. He has done horrible things while drinking to damage our marriage. Cheating, lying, meanness..yuck. He also apologized for what he put me and the kids through. Huge step for him.

Still Waters

Not to be the negative Nellie here, but in my case I found out a lot of the stuff I was told about my AH's childhood was fictional. It never happened.

Mostly negative stuff of course.

I just take everything and anything they say with a grain of salt, especially if it seems to be a "see, it isn't my fault, I was abused" type of thing.

Just sayin'.

coffeedrinker

what a whirlwind you are in. just take it easy, remember what you know.

naive

in my opinion, the drinking has to stop before they can deal with the underlying emotional issues. i don't think therapy whilst drinking will help...in fact, i feel that stirring up the hornet's nest and unleashing repressed emotions will fuel the drinking. this is becuase that's what they do with their pain, they drink it away.

first things first. and the first thing is the drinking.

i would also be hands off his recovery, other than perhaps pointing him to AA.

and remember, don't pay attention to what they say, pay attention to what they do.

i know those words he said are what you have been waiting for...for him to admit a problem and wish to seek help. however, saying it and doing it are two very different things.

try to stay focused on yourself and your baby.

naive

tpen

Actions speak louder than words. Keep the faith though.