KittyP

My AH has been recently going through some sort of "recovery." He did an inpatient rehab and started attending AA really seriously. He seemed to have a completely different energy about him. But on at least 3 different occasions since then he has definitely been drunk, not including tonight where I know he was drunk but he is denying it. I'm now starting to suspect that he has probably drank small amounts on other days.

I was sort of sliding myself and allowing myself to still think he was trying to make a go of it but obviously something kept niggling at me so I started a thread in the recovery forum and the users there have backed up my doubts. He's clearly not in recovery if he has a drink every week or so. He's more than likely still experimenting with what he can get away with, trying to 'control drink.'

I've told him tonight that he either gets back to prioritising his recovery or I'm leaving. That he needs to get back to working through his list of telling the friends who he initially he said he needed to know. Lately he's been flaking on this because one person he told has been gossiping about him. I also suggested that as he says he misses AA meetings during the week he should be finding the time to be at a meeting after work. He actually had the GAUL to say he wasn't attending weekday meetings as he thought I'd want him home. (Typing that has made me feel violent.) I've re-iterated that I will not be socialising with him in alcoholic environments.

Nor will I be accepting any more of his stupid excuses. If he wants to get sober he HAS to prioritise that. His job, his parents, his friends and what he is assuming I want all need to come way down his list. Taking his tablets, going to meetings & counselling sessions, and not drinking are the only things that really matter. Because if he keeps on drinking he will lose everything else anyway. If he isn't serious about recovering then he needs to admit that and face the consequences of that.

I know that lots of recovered alcoholics have gone through this phase and eventually recover. But frankly, I'm really not interested in going through any more of this. I haven't the energy or the inclination. He is either heading for serious recovery now or I am out. If he starts recovering now, I'm happy to give him that time. I can let the past go, move forward and respect him for what I think is a brave and challenging thing to do.

I just feel so bloody worn down. He had an amazing week two weeks ago. So together, so determined, so sober. I hate that I've been tantalised with a glimpse of how our lives could be but now I'm trying to work out the logistics of leaving him again.

suki44883

Many times when an active alcoholic starts treatment, goes to meetings, etc. they are dealing with what is sometimes referred to as the pink cloud. They have motivation. They are determined. They see a little progress and it makes them feel good about themselves. The thing is, after a while, that pink cloud goes away and they are left with the knowledge that living a sober life takes hard work, especially for the first year. It becomes drudgery having to go to meetings and having to always do the next right thing. Many times, they feel bored or like they can't do any of the fun things they used to do while drinking. So, they start slacking off on the meetings and their mind becomes vulnerable to the stinkin' thinkin' that maybe they didn't really have that big a problem. Maybe they just need to pay attention to how much they drink and stop after a couple. It never works. Pretty soon, they are back to drinking as much as they ever did and then wonder how they got back to where they started.

Only you can decide how willing you are to go through a relapse. Sometimes the relapse is short-lived and they get back on the wagon. Sometimes, they don't. He is going to do whatever he wants to do. You have to do what you feel is best for YOU.

SomeoneSomwhere

I get that... looking back and thinking about what could have been instead of what is. It hurts when you love someone who is no longer the person you fell in love with. It doesn't make a different if it's booze or drugs or PTSD or depression that changes them... it hurts no matter what.

To me your first paragraph contradicts itself... you say he was doing well but then you go onto say that he was drunk three times and you're quite sure he was drinking... so he actually wasn't sober.

And yes I'd agree that your husband is not in recovery but I do think he is trying. I'm an alcoholic and I have one day right now. I'm hoping I have a lot more of them but we will see. For a long time I tried to just “control” my drinking. I thought “I am 21 years old, I couldn't possibly be an alcoholic...I just get carried away...so I'll drink 6 beers instead of 8...” but it NEVER stopped where I wanted it to. I don't know what makes us think we can control it because the very nature of the disease is that we can't.

I really don't mean this to sound harsh, but he isn't going to be able to stop drinking to keep you from leaving. I'm sure he doesn't want you to leave but that isn't going to be enough for him, even loving you isn't enough. This isn't about you, this is about his addiction to alcohol.

And EVERYTHING you said about him needing to be the one to get sober is right. It is NOT your responsibility and it is impossible for you to cure an alcoholic or make him stop drinking. And yes he will lose everything if he keeps this up.

You're also right when you say he needs to admit it and face the consequences. But I can tell you that's hard as hell. To admit an addiction it's like...you will find ANY and EVERY way to justify it. You will do whatever you can to trick yourself into thinking that what you're doing isn't that bad and that you can control it... when in reality it's really ridiculous that we don't see it because time and time again we prove we CANNOT control it. And yet still...we try to. Don't as me why. I couldn't begin to explain it to you.

You're obviously angry. And you have the right to be. I think you do need to leave him. Not for him... but for you. This clearly is causing you so much pain and sadness and stress... he will get sober when he decides to get sober. You have NO control over him but you do have control over yourself. I think your best option is to leave.

KittyP

I think I might start looking into some cheap holidays. If he's going to relapse I want to go on a cruise or sit on a beach reading.

suki44883

That sounds nice. Who wouldn't want to do that? But then, there comes the time when the cruise or vacation is over and it's time to return to the real world. What will you do then?

KittyP

I guess I just mean he's been better than he was. He's admitting he's an alcoholic, seeking out and going to meetings (weekends is better than never), telling some of our friends the full truth about his addiction and asking for their support and understanding when he won't be at/throwing parties. There have been some actual sober days, which is a huge departure from the last couple of years. And when he has drunk, he hasn't been passed out from a litre of vodka drunk.

Better than it was, so I was hoping it was a step toward the end. And maybe it is, but I don't think it's enough for me. Not at this stage.

KittyP

Cross that bridge when I come to it. If he is headed for a relapse I need some space to clear my head and not have to deal with him on a day to day basis. I'm very tired, I've gone through what feels like non-stop crap lately. My dog had a leg amputated, AH had liver and kidney failure and nearly died, then while he was in rehab 3 weeks ago I moved us 500 miles for his new job. I need a break.

suki44883

Then take your break. Clear your head. Make a plan. Only YOU can make life better for yourself.

SomeoneSomwhere

I am very sorry to hear that your own life has been so stressful. You certainly don't need all the extra stress in your life.

And also this... "Better than it was, so I was hoping it was a step toward the end. And maybe it is, but I don't think it's enough for me. Not at this stage. "

I get it. My ex...has PTSD. For months he treated me horribly. Would ignore me, say things to hurt me...etc and then he just stopped talking to me all together. It's not about us. It's not about me... it's about the fact that he is mentally ill. And he is in capable of being with someone.

And for a long time I held on. I kept thinking it'd get better. And I still love him. SO MUCH but I know he will never be enough again. When you've hurt someone enough... sometimes there is no fixing it. You just can't... ever trust the person again. When someone really really breaks your heart, how can anything ever really be enough?

What I am learning is to work on myself. I'm in therapy and I'm trying to do something fun for myself every day. It isn't your job to get your husband sober or to make sure he goes to meetings or anything like that. Your job is to worry about YOUR happiness and your life. And clearly, having an alcoholic husband is not going to be good for you or your happiness.

SecretLife

My situation has my emotions all over the board with my A. Before I make any rash decisions that might ultimately be best for me, yet I "feel so guilty" for leaving that I go right back into the whole mess (again), I got myself a sponser now and am still working step one... accepting... (I can't change anything!)

The only thing I can change is ME. My feelings HAVE to be in check, eyes wide open, no second-guessing my own feelings or decisions. So that's the route I'm choosing after years of this rollercoaster of HIS recovery. I'm just starting my OWN recovery. It really hurts that an addiction comes before me, but the simple truth is, the A is not in control... the active addiction IS.

Keeping you in my thoughts.
Kim

CatLover1234

For months I've been asking myself this very same question about the A in my life. Sometimes the pain is so deep you want to walk away, but then the love is just as deep (or deeper) that you just can't.

nodaybut2day

How are you doing today KittyP?

KittyP

I'm honestly not sure. We had a talk again this morning where I reiterated what I said yesterday. I've told him that I can support him if he's serious about his recovery but all these steps back have been enough for me. I said I know he's come along way but I'm reaching the end of my road and if he's going to keep up this two steps forward one step back thing he has going on I'm out. I told him I believe that he will recover one day and it makes me sad that I might have to bail out of our marriage before he reaches that point, but that's what is very likely to happen.

He said he finds it so frustrating that he can't go to social events that involve drink and has been trying to test himself and push himself past where he is. I told him that's just not going to work and he either accepts that this is going to be a long slow process and trying to rush it will only make it take longer. He either accepts that for the next few months (at least) his recovery will be the biggest part of his life or his alcoholism will be for good. He said I'm right and from today on he will go back to concentrating on his recovery, but I'm honestly not sure if he really knows what that means. Calling me 30 minutes later thinking I can magically fix his bike was a bad sign imo. (My other thread).

One of our friends who knows the full story is going to try and meet him tonight and impress upon him that he's been slipping and it's really not good enough. Then we are supposedly meeting some friends tomorrow who he wants to let know about his alcoholism. I do think that telling people is a good sign as he is facing it and avoiding denial. His psychologist told me that when an A keeps a social group in the dark about their alcoholism they are just creating a pocket of their lives where they can keep the denial alive. By telling 3 or 4 of his closest friends from each group the truth he won't be able to avoid the truth when he is with those people.

I guess I can't do much more than sit back and judge if he's making enough progress that I'm comfortable I can live with. I just have to make sure that I don't fool myself into thinking he's doing ok when he is not and keep being honest about how I'm feeling.

Thumper

I would think he should be talking to his sponsor most of all.

Sorry you are in such a spot.

nodaybut2day

Yep, it sounds like it's time to just let him do whatever the heck he's going to do, and focus on what you want out of life. Where do you want to be next year? In five years? How will you get there?

KittyP

He doesn't have an official sponsor yet. He only really started in AA 12 days ago and has only gone to 6 meetings so far. He does have one guy who's taking him under his wing a bit, who texts him mid-week and they go for coffee after their Saturday meeting. And he's exchanged numbers with at least 2 other guys. Hopefully he'll talk this out with one of them over the next few days.

He sometimes ignores what I say and then tells me the same thing if he's heard it at AA as if it is a great revelation. I hope that will happen this time around too.

KittyP

I know how stupid this sounds but I want to be a writer. I want to write a novel, get it published and then write another one. Then I'd like to write a comic. Maybe guest write an established series and then get a six issue deal on one I have in my head. In five years I want to be attending comic-cons as a delegate. Queen of all the other nerds. I would especially love it if some of my favourite writers read my stuff and enjoyed it. But actually having the confidence to sit down and seriously making a go of the novel I'm working on now would be enough.

I just find that I have so much crap floating around my head I can't create lives for imaginary people. I was thinking that I might start writing about what I'm going through right now. Even some short stories and maybe see if they can be expanded into something more. The weird thing is that along with the heartbreak and depression that comes with loving an A there is a huge amount of surreal dark, humour. Some of the stuff they get up to is so unbelievably stupid sometimes you just have to laugh. Maybe it I'd find it cathartic if nothing else.

More than that I want to be a mother but that really isn't something I can consider right now. So I've stopped dreaming about it.

stella27

oh Kitty P! I LOVE what you said about the surreal, dark humor that goes along with living in chaos. I could not agree more. And I want you to know that writing it down is totally cathartic. I have been blogging about my crazy life since January. My friends laugh, I enjoy being the center of attention instead of a player in someone else's drama, I can find a way to make almost anything funny - and that is a gift to me from this crazy co-dep. and living with a A for so long.

I am a separated-but-divorcing mom to three young kids. My exAH has big problems and he loves to blame the downward turn of his life on me. I have 6dogs, 2 cats, and a full-time job. And I work as a prosecutor. Now if you don't think there is fodder for humor in this scenario, then I don't know what.

And I want to say that my "new" ability to see the humorous is a GIFT. It helps me keep it all in perspective and it makes my friends laugh. And it keeps me from sinking into despair.

Write away. You have a lot to say.

nodaybut2day

kittyP...oh my goodness, but you're an artist! You MUST read the book "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. It's an AWESOME, inspiring and stimulating workbook designed to foster your inner artist, and since you like to write, you'll love the assignments. This process will totally get you refocused on YOU, get you writing morning pages everyday, get you to go out on dates with yourself, and lead you to some very interesting introspection. Also, considering your penchant for writing, I recommend "The Right to Write", by the same author.

You don't need a class to start writing...just a nice journal (or even a simple workbook with lined paper from the drug store) and a pen. Since starting the series of books years ago, I've filled a trunk with my journals, short stories, poetry, screenplays, etc.

Yay, I'm so glad you're focusing on yourself now.

kittykitty

I've learned alot from reading this particular thread, thank you for sharing what's going on, and thank you to everyone for their responses. I can't put into words how important this forum is to me.

Words of wisdom from my Al anon friends that have helped me..

If I say it once, it's for you. If I say it twice, it's for me. Anything more than once is my way of attempting to manipulate who I am speaking to.

A non alcoholic lecturing an alcoholic about how hard recovery is, and what to expect during it, well that would be like a man describing to a woman what it feels like to be pregnant.

From the outside, it looks like everyone is working really hard on this man's recovery, except for him. Is all of this assistance actually helping him? Is yet another person sitting him down and telling him he is inadequate at his attempt for sobriety, reminding him that it's just not good enough, going to help him?

I know this isn't the first time you have had these types of discussions with him. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. (That's one of my favorites)

I've always been told that if someone wants to change, they will do it, and HAVE to do it, on their own. Set your boundaries, and be specific. You don't have to tell HIM your boundaries, just set them in your head. Right them down, specifics, about dates, timelines, and actions that you feel you need to see in order to keep you comfortable. That way you can't talk your way out of it when it comes time to determine if he has crossed the line or not. Set your boundaries, and STICK TO THEM. Just sitting back and waiting for him to impress you doesn't sound healthy to me.

I can't imagine what it would be like to have to sit down with a group of my friends and tell them that I am a codependant, and describe my disease to them. Knowing that every time I saw them from then on, I would be judged, scrutinized, and watched. Everything I did or said would be taken with the "well she's a codependant" grain of salt. Scares me to think. IMO, sounds almost like he's jumping to step 9. I'm new to recovery, so I could be misunderstanding this.


Take what you like and leave the rest. Many hugs to you!:ghug3