Don't know where to turn
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: St. John's, NL
Posts: 2
Don't know where to turn
This is my first post and I really don't know where to start. I have been with my husband for 15 years and we have 2 children. Three years ago I found out that my husband used cocaine. At first I didn't want to believe it, we had been married for about 4 years then and things had always been a bit hard for us, our relationship had changed and I just put it off to having a child and that it was going to get better. He made all kinds of promises to me that he would change and things would be good for a while but, he would always drift back to his old self. We now have 2 children and he is trying to stay sober on his own. He won't talk to me and tells me that things are fine and only when I ask him how things are going will he then tell me that he has sliped up. He has been trying to stay sober for 5 months now and he has gone back to the cocaine at least 10 times. I want to help him or see if he wants to get help, but, he tells me that he can do it himself and he is not ready to see help. He tells me that he wants to get this "under control" before he tells his family and get additional help. Is this really possible? I don't think he is ever going to stop..
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Welcome Perlican, You have come to the right place
I know you want to help your AH but you can't. You AH has to want help, he has to seek out the help himself. By him saying that he is not ready to seek help tell me that he is not ready to get clean and that he is not yet sick and tired of being a slave to his addictions. Unfortunatly at this point there is nothing that you can do for him..
However, there are plenty of things that YOU can do for YOU!! Coming here is the first step in the right direction. Read all of the stickies at the top of the page, read through the threads and you will see that you are not alone in your situation. We have all been in your shoes one way or another. Find an alanon or naranon meeting in your town and attend some meetings, you need a support network! Finaly keep posting here, we don't have all the answers but we do have lots of experiance of dealing with addicts.
I want to help him or see if he wants to get help, but, he tells me that he can do it himself and he is not ready to see help.
However, there are plenty of things that YOU can do for YOU!! Coming here is the first step in the right direction. Read all of the stickies at the top of the page, read through the threads and you will see that you are not alone in your situation. We have all been in your shoes one way or another. Find an alanon or naranon meeting in your town and attend some meetings, you need a support network! Finaly keep posting here, we don't have all the answers but we do have lots of experiance of dealing with addicts.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Welcome to SR, Perlican! Glad you found us. This stood out for me from your post...
He has been trying to stay sober for 5 months now and he has gone back to the cocaine at least 10 times.
This is not someone who is trying to stay sober. This is someone in active addiction. I believe he is fooling you with the trying to stay sober talk. If he was serious, he would be willing to do whatever is necessary, and that means getting help from professionals.
Stick around SR and do lots of reading and posting. There is a lot of wisdom to be found here and you do not have to go through this alone.
He has been trying to stay sober for 5 months now and he has gone back to the cocaine at least 10 times.
This is not someone who is trying to stay sober. This is someone in active addiction. I believe he is fooling you with the trying to stay sober talk. If he was serious, he would be willing to do whatever is necessary, and that means getting help from professionals.
Stick around SR and do lots of reading and posting. There is a lot of wisdom to be found here and you do not have to go through this alone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Perlican and welcome.
Through it all don't forget the following words:
You didn't cause his addiction.
You can't control his addiction.
You can't cure his addiction.
His addiction is not your fight to win. It's not something you can "help" fix. And the unfortunate fact is that you are right. He may never quit.
That's why we recommend you shift the focus from him to you and the children. Addiction can destroy a family. It can make family members sicker than the addicts themselves. It can cause your life and the lives of your children to spiral out of control. THIS is something you can work on - you can control your life and you can protect your babies.
I hope you will read everything you can and post as much as you want. And I hope you learn how to save yourself from the effects of cocaine addiction and all the nastiness that goes along with it.
Glad you found us!
Through it all don't forget the following words:
You didn't cause his addiction.
You can't control his addiction.
You can't cure his addiction.
His addiction is not your fight to win. It's not something you can "help" fix. And the unfortunate fact is that you are right. He may never quit.
That's why we recommend you shift the focus from him to you and the children. Addiction can destroy a family. It can make family members sicker than the addicts themselves. It can cause your life and the lives of your children to spiral out of control. THIS is something you can work on - you can control your life and you can protect your babies.
I hope you will read everything you can and post as much as you want. And I hope you learn how to save yourself from the effects of cocaine addiction and all the nastiness that goes along with it.
Glad you found us!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Hello perlican.
When I joined SR... my marriage was on the rocks and my then husband told me almost exactly what yours is saying...
SR members suggested that I watch what he does... don't listen to what he says... that saved me a lot of second guessing.
Read the stickies at the top... they are very helpful.
Take care of YOU and the 2 young-uns.
When I joined SR... my marriage was on the rocks and my then husband told me almost exactly what yours is saying...
SR members suggested that I watch what he does... don't listen to what he says... that saved me a lot of second guessing.
Read the stickies at the top... they are very helpful.
Take care of YOU and the 2 young-uns.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Perlican, I have no advice just hugs. My username is what your message title is and I understand so well what you feel. The members on this board are wise and I suggest you stick around. This has become a place for me to turn to even when I don't post. Just a reminder that others are where you are helps and to see others were where you are now and moved on is encouraging.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
welcome to s/r, perlican.
this is a great site.
i have to agree with suki here.
he obviously cant do this on his own, that much is clear. or perhaps he just doesn't want to badly enough - the result is the same.
please keep coming here. it's helped some of us so very much.
this is a great site.
i have to agree with suki here.
he obviously cant do this on his own, that much is clear. or perhaps he just doesn't want to badly enough - the result is the same.
please keep coming here. it's helped some of us so very much.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 69
I have learned a lot here too, and I am just learning how to deal with an addict friend / mutual romantic interest.
The advice I have received from members here has been so helpful. After reading others' stories here, I very quickly learned a couple of things:
1. I cannot fight this battle for him.
2. He has to want to seek recovery for himself and for no one else.
3. I have to let him experience the consequences of his relapse and re-entry into active addiction. I cannot cover for him or try to make things better.
4. The hurt, frustration, and broken heart that I am suffering through are very intense emotions that he is just not capable right now of coping with without self-medicating right now.
5. Followup to 4 really...I am letting it all out, crying whenever I feel like I need to rather than keep it bottled up. And I have been crying a lot. It is part of the healing process.
6. After examining my life, I am going to start attending Codependents Anonymous meetings. It's time to focus on my own recovery.
The advice I have received from members here has been so helpful. After reading others' stories here, I very quickly learned a couple of things:
1. I cannot fight this battle for him.
2. He has to want to seek recovery for himself and for no one else.
3. I have to let him experience the consequences of his relapse and re-entry into active addiction. I cannot cover for him or try to make things better.
4. The hurt, frustration, and broken heart that I am suffering through are very intense emotions that he is just not capable right now of coping with without self-medicating right now.
5. Followup to 4 really...I am letting it all out, crying whenever I feel like I need to rather than keep it bottled up. And I have been crying a lot. It is part of the healing process.
6. After examining my life, I am going to start attending Codependents Anonymous meetings. It's time to focus on my own recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: St. John's, NL
Posts: 2
I don't know what to say except that you've all said pretty much what I felt but, was unable to admit to myself. Whether I am scared to or not, I think it is time for me to stop trying to save him and focus on what I can save. Myself and my 2 children. They have been through so much already and they don't even know it.
Thank you to those of you who responded to my post, it gives me hope to know that I've found a place that I can come to when I feel that I have no where else to go.
Thank you to those of you who responded to my post, it gives me hope to know that I've found a place that I can come to when I feel that I have no where else to go.
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